Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Pakistani boyfriend’s family hates me

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Hi

I'm a catholic and I'm dating a Pakistani guy for almost a year and he made clear his intention to marry me, as early as 6th month in our relationship. I met his mother and sister who show their dislike to me obviously for not being a muslim and they said that they have already someone for their son. I love him so much and I know he does the same, he's even willing to convert to be a christian just to be with me, which I said no to because I know he's practicing Islam very much and I don't want his family to hate him more. I'm open to the idea of converting to Islam, but my family doesn't want me to..

Do we stand a chance, I need your advice please?

Sincerely,

maria

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21 Responses »

  1. The so called LOVE blinds everything and makes people to make unrealistic and silly promises. To advice you straightly and abruptly : NO, leave this boy behind.

    If you would like to know about Islam, please go search it. Do not mix your searching of God with marriage. For you boyfriend, if he is a "practicing muslim", how will he convert to Catholic easily and how can he date you? His culture and religion are so deeply planted in his life from the beginning, it won't be easy to uproot it because of "Love". He may be sincere to marry you and live with you happily for a few years. BUT after a few years (maybe he is more mature, or maybe love faded), he will be regretted and go back to his family . A wife, hand picked by his family will be waiting for him from his hometown. Pakistani culture is so strong and the family tie is not easy to break. Their influence in one's family affairs is in every aspect: from picking the spouses for their children to buying a house or a car. You won't be fit in and especially for a NON muslim and out of the Pakistani's culture girl. It is so hard to penetrate their culture and earn their trust even for a muslim non Pakistani girl. I hope this guy is not playing with you, but regardless drop him now.

    For yourself, your family is not happy with your choice either. What is more precious than being with your family, I mean a caring family. You don't want to worry them and upset them. My question is: is it worth it to make this sacrifice given you know him only for a year??? A marriage without any family support from either side is very difficult to survive. The reality is the so called love is only temporary, when you both face real life issues like money, children, career, you both may have conflicts or fight etc etc. There, you need your family's support, advise and help or even just share your joy and sorrow. This happens to any family but imagine if you do not have any support from your side.

    Please think for yourself seriously, it is not a easy choice but drop it now and leave it behind myabe a wiser choice for your future.

  2. You have asked us if you guys "stand a chance". It is impossible to predict the future. Frankly, if you are old enough and mature enough to enter into an intimate relationship with the opposite sex, then you are mature enough to understand the circumstances you are in as well as the likely outcome.

    You two will not have the support of your respective families. I think you recognize that.

    You two cannot agree on a shared religion. I think you recognize that as well.

    Sometimes love just isn't enough. Why don't you make a list of what is truly important to you, as a non Muslim, for a marriage and family to flourish. Then put a check mark beside each item that is alive in your current relationship. That process may give you some insight.

    Please also note that you have asked this question to a forum of Muslims. The women do not date or engage in intimate relations with men outside of marriage. So it is very difficult to relate to you, or give you encouragement in thus relationship since your conduct in the eyes of Islam is considered sinful and as your boyfriend claims he is Muslim but he is living a non-Muslim lifestyle.

    Have you thought of consulting a member of your clergy to give you advice?

  3. Hello,

    We can offer advice, but you have to be strong to follow it.

    Putting religion aside, it is very difficult for your bf to break through from the culture he is in. His mother is not kidding when she says she has found someone for him. I would believe her.

    Frankly, if a person converts from one religion to another for the sake of love, it really isn't conversion is it? I think we can agree on that. Also, do you want someone who would leave their beliefs for your sake, without any deep thought or reflection? It doesn't sound like he is devoted to what he believes in the first place, either that, or he isn't being sincere with you.

    It is possible for your bf to marry you without you reverting to Islam and he doesn't need his parents' permission. He knows this. It sounds like he is hoping you don't know too much. Do research on your own and hold off on investing more emotions before this gets more messy.

    If you want a relationship, minus culture and religion, that isn't going to happen. I suggest you move on.

    Peace.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Islamically, a marriage between a Muslim man and a Christian woman would be considered valid, so neither of you would need to convert for marriage. Whether the two of you can make it work for your relationship depends very much on the two of you, and on your families.

    Your family aren't keen on the idea of you converting, but how do they feel about your boyfriend? If they like and accept him as a Muslim man, they may be able to accept the idea of an inter-faith marriage. If they're very opposed to the idea of the two of you being together at all, then they aren't likely to support a marriage, and you would need to include that in your decision-making.

    Personally, I'm quite surprised that his mum and sister agreed to meet you - pre-marital relationships aren't acceptable in Islam, so him telling his family and you getting to meet them is quite a significant thing. While his family may not approve, their willingness to meet you could suggest that they may be prepared to tolerate his choice...? I don't know them, though - the best person to ask is your boyfriend.

    Whether the two of you stand a chance depends on how committed the two of you are to making it work - it wouldn't be easy, and could end up costing you both your families. Only the two of you can decide if the price is one you can pay.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. You BF made his mom and sister to meet you. This proves he is very serious about perusing a relation with you legally.

    Most likely his mom met you due to great pressure from his son. His mom has realized that her son is very serious about you and most likely not listening to her disapproval for you,so she has tried indirectly to influence you by showing dis likeness and telling you about other girl she has chosen for him. Indirectly she is giving you a message to back off.

    I think you both stand good chance if you are mature and have realistic expectations from each other.
    You can change his moms heart by your good behavior as at this time she has GREAT FEAR that you are going to steal her son away .
    His mom gave him birth and raised him, I think her insecurities and fear needs to be comforted too.

    Good luck

    • While what you say may be true about the relationship, we have to keep in mind that we aren't offering relationship advice, rather it is Islamic advice. Let's keep in mind that bf/gf relationships aren't allowed in Islam and her bf is willing to leave Islam--this is not the behaviour of Muslims. We shouldn't be promoting the idea of a haram relationship.

      • Sure! What I meant is they stand a good chance to be a good married couple. Yes they should not continue BF and GF relationship. As you said it is haram and how can we seek God blessings in any thing haram.

  6. Midnightmoon is absolutely right, there is no restrictions in Islam in men to marry whose religion is to be considered as Ahl-Al-Kitab(the Book of the People).Muslims, Christians and Jewish are considered as Ahl-Al-Kitab, .So sister you can him without any restrictions and also not reverting your religion. But one thing I don't understand, your boyfriend (though it's a haram relationship in Islam) wants to convert to Christianity? And he is a good practising Muslim? Actually I don't understand that part of your question, a good Muslim can't even ingnore his/her Mother. So you can tell his mother about Ahl-Al-Kitab.

  7. when our women come to your country for study you women pull our scarves, beat us in universities for wearing it, secondly you people abuse us, call us terrorists and Pakis! and then you fall in love with our men and marry them.

    in our country its very difficult for a girl to marry, it is difficult to find a good man, so our family members decide for cousin marriages coz they know eachother well. in P{Pakistan a girl is consider out of age if she reach 26 or above.

    you can marry your own men coz they can marry you evn if you are 38 plus there is no problem but our daughters remain single coz our relatives go abroad and their boys date girls and then marry them.

    thats why his mother dont like you. and thats very realistic.

    secondly, he is weak in faith. he is trying to make a deal . he is a apparent Muslim who wants to convert coz of a girl and later he can also leave his family for a girl (you) and who knows he may leave you afterwards for another girl? coz religion dont matter to him.

    you should not convert. islam dont welcome such people, its definition is known as hypocrite and who wants to become a hypo. apparently muslim hiddenly christian if you want to convert, convert for yourself not for a man and marriage. religion is not a joke. i m talking about every religion here.

    and last but not the least people who are telling you he can marry a christian he cannot, you know why , becoz in Quran it is said that you can marry the people of book, now the people of the book are no more monotheists not even a small group (they edit their books, they change their prayers), here it means there is no son of god and if anyone says it doesnt matter he is a mushrik himself. islam never supports it. Allah has no son, no daughter, no children, no wife, he is free and our master.

    • Why are you dogging the women, though? The Muslim men themselves choose to marry Western and non-Muslim women, aren't they just as much - if not more - to "blame"?

    • There is another perspective to all this.

      I have had some negative experiences with people who happen to be from different ethnicities, religions, countries and so forth and so forth. But to say "you people", "our men", "your women", "our women", "your men" and this sort of language is only a way that incites hatred. It is the very same type of vocabulary used in propoganda against Muslims with an underlying tone of "them" and "we." If it is unacceptable for us, it is unacceptable, period.

      Furthermore, dear Sister, it is not your job to uninvite someone from Islam. Do you really want to face Allah swt and be questioned on this matter? You can simply state what is required to become a Muslim without that sort of tone.

      And yes, Muslim men can marry Christian, Jewish, Muslim women. The people of the book do still exist. We do not know enough about this girl to make claims that she isn't a true Christian. Everyone's path in this world is different but sometimes we meet up on one path of Islam. If any of us have an issue with "our men" then let that person be the first to raise the men that we want in our Ummah because indeed both men and women in Islam have much to improve upon.

      • Dear Sister,

        Your cursing me will benefit me more than it will benefit you, but if it makes you feel better to curse on me, then I certainly welcome it. 🙂

        Your comments about Christians are unfounded.

        Please read: http://islamqa.info/en/33656

        Allah says:
        Al-Quran [19:35]
        It is not [befitting] for Allah to take a son; exalted is He! When He decrees an affair, He only says to it, "Be," and it is.

        &

        Al-Quran [5:5]
        This day [all] good foods have been made lawful, and the food of those who were given the Scripture is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith - his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.

        I am not promoting Muslim men to marry Christian/Jewish women, but we also cannot take the parts of the Quran which we like and dispose of the parts that we don't like or don't understand.

        There is, among the Christians, some who do not believe that Jesus is the son of God. You should do some research and for these matters, we should leave it to the Scholars if we are in doubt.

        May Allah help you and me to understand better.

        And Allah knows best.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        To Lorelei Lee: This kind of comment is unacceptable. There is no need to curse others simply for having a different opinion - think about the consequences for your own deen before rushing to be unkind to others. If you wish to debate something, do so in a civil manner. And if you can't say something civilly, then don't say it.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Assalaamualaikam

      No matter what country we live in or what colour our skin is, Muslimahs need to stick together. We also need to be supportive of women who are thinking about Islam - buying into this "them vs us" mentality isn't going to do anyone any favours.

      The poster has said she is open to the idea of converting - she hasn't said that this would be solely for marriage. Rather than telling her "Islam don't welcome such people", we should try to encourage her to find out more about Islam - inshaAllah she may accept Islam for herself. I'm reminded of a hadith, in which a man embraced Islam on the battlefield...

      Usama ibn Zayd killed an [enemy] idolater in battle after the latter had said: "There is no god but Allah" (La ilaha illallah). When news of this reached Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) he condemned Usama in the strongest terms and he said to him: "How can you kill him after he said La ilaha illallah?" He replied: "But he said it with the sword hanging over his head-" The Prophet (peace be upon him) said again: "How can you kill him after he said La ilaha illallah?" He replied: "O Messenger of Allah, he said it in dissimulation (taqiyyatan)." The Prophet -- Allah bless and greet him -- said: "Did you split his heart open (to see)?" and he did not cease to reprove him until Usama wished that he had not entered Islam until after he had killed that man so that he might have been forgiven all his past sins through belief. (narrated by Bukhari, Muslim and others)

      So you see, if someone accepts Islam, then who are we to tell them they are not welcome in the Ummah?

      You seem very angry towards Western women, but try to remember that not all people behave like that - in my experience, it's a very small minority of people who act in that way towards Muslimahs. Many Muslimahs live in the West, and come from Christian backgrounds (or other faiths) and have reverted - should we then avoid marrying "your" men and stick to "ours"? We're one Ummah. We need to act like it and support each other and people interested in finding out more about Islam.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. Im gona give you a dose of reality. If you think you marry him and his family and him and you are gona live happily ever after. No way. You are coming from a different environment and into a pakistani culture its gona hit you like a storm.The only way you two will live peacefully is if he shuts his mother and sister out completely from his life.and you will think oh no i dont want to separate him from his family. If he is a mommas boy his mother will constantly nag him and emotionally blackmail him till it causes a rift between you and him and then she will say i told you this marriage wont work. Do not expect them to accept you or let you live in peace. I was never accepted by my mother in law and i was muslim and spoke same language just not pakistani. So be prepared if things dont turn out like a fairy tale. Her son marrying a non muslim would be a slap on her face and because most pakistanis care about image and pleasing other members of their tribe and what not she will sort revenge and do her best to interfere in your happiness.

  9. i want to ask this lady what Christians really are cause she is a Christians she may better tell us i have alot of christains fgriends though in Pakistan and once i was sitting in their gathering they showed such hatred towards islam spoke against islam until i stood up and left the sitting.

  10. He needs to man if he likes u has to tell his parents .

    Just.make sure hes honest with you as well...
    Like him converting to christianity... what on earth?

    I dont think he would say tht in front of mum make sure ha aint saying dat just in front of u

    If u di marry u have to keep thing healthily such as if u guys dnt get on with mum in laww
    Keeps thing healthylike live far.. a human being has a heart...u have to find out hw welcoming mum is . Will she give u a chance or not.if he like u he need to take steps to get u introduced to family in healthy way.... not this behind the scenes thing...and give ur right and proper respect as a wife. Which is marriage in islam u have narriage rights.find them out..n have a clear plan before hand hw u to will best get along with everything..

    Islam is a beautiful religion so much goodness in it. So much respect.organisation like
    Men and women have certain rights over each other..
    I would say learn about the religion which can be traced to and history..of when it was revealed and who wrote it down after revelation. ... with history of the life of the people written it down... and how it was passed down to us..this is stronger right in terms you know hw it came to today?
    With the bible ita hard to trace back to who recorded it..wht happned to original over time.

    Why not look into it. Lifes to short sister. Think about it all these religioon theres too much?
    To not have a pure source in the world....the commonality is there is a creator...the question is then who is the creator... islam is a complete way of life.. you know who you are.your role in this life....
    Find out for your self there is so much in common between Christianity and islam ..

  11. This is a terribly late reply, but I just came across this website and couldn't resist giving you a reply. My name is Julia and I reverted to Islam. I used to question my religious beliefs all the time, wondering if Allah even existed. During my darkest time, I met a young Pakistani man named Arman. He was so kind, respectful and just a wonderful human being. I fell in love with him and through his love I was shown Islam. For the first time in my life I felt like I was seeing the truth and it is beautiful, Sister. I learned so much from my fellow sisters about the mercy and love of Allah. Now, Arman and I are engaged. His family is terrified I will take Arman away from his culture and religion even after I've reverted. But I love Arman, therefore I love his culture. It is what made him who he is. So, I am learning Urdu to help put his mother at ease. I am learning the customs and traditions. And I won't lie. It's hard sometimes. Gaining their trust is a slow, up-hill battle. But, Ramadan is starting soon and all the Aunties are cheering me on! (Its my first Ramadan ever!) What I'm trying to say is, if you truly love him, work hard. Be patient and above all, trust Allah.
    (WARNING: If an Auntie offers you food, for the love of all that is good in this world, take it. Haha Good luck, Sister!)

    • Julia ,

      You conversion should be only for the sake of Allah and not because of your boyfriend .
      Conversion for the sake of marriage or love is not acceptable . Learn more about Islam and act everything to please Allah and rest will fall on right place .

      My good wishes for you .

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