Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Paranoid and abusive husband

abuse violent physical beat

I have been married for 6 years, and have known my husband for about 12 years. My husband is very paranoid, constantly questions me about everything, from who did I speak to when I went out, did any man approach me, have I been cheating on him, has someone been over at our house when he has been away.

I have 2 young children and go to work so that we can keep our heads above water. I feel like I'm constantly on edge when he questions me, not because I have been up to anything, but because if I speak in a certain tone he will get wound up and throw humiliating accusations at me and then ignore me completely for days on end, until I apologise and beg for his forgiveness. Then the cycle will start again. I come home from work exhausted, and he ignores me until the kids go to bed then the questions begin.

He says I don’t respect him, when I don’t do anything to disrespect him. I get wound up and lose my temper when I'm constantly being accused of nasty things. I'm sure any lady would, after years of hearing this and trying to win her husband over. He has hit me in rage, given me a black eye, put my head through a glass pane (I had to get stitches), and  hit me when I was pregnant. He says I pushed him to the limit each time because I wouldn’t let him walk away. I admit my fault is I stand in his way during an argument, because I'm sick to death of living my life like this and want answers to why he does this to me.

He says he wants to leave me. At the smallest argument he will always throw the threat of separation and divorce at me. I lost my father few years ago, and don’t have any support from my family. I got his family involved, but they barely touched on anything with him. His dad actually ended up saying to him "who is the head of the house, it's you". So he basically gave him a boost to think he has the right to behave like this.

Now he is wanting to leave me and has told me to leave the town. I'm not leaving town however. I wanted to know am I wrong for thinking this? Does he have this authority over me to question and make me feel like I'm nothing? Please give me an Islamic perspective of how to walk away from him and look after my children.


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16 Responses »

  1. For some reason your husband is very insecure and thinks you will do it with any one on drop of a hat. No you don't push him to any limit, that is just an excuse. He has no right to physically or emotionally abuse you.

    Has he been like that for the last 12 years or he changed after you got married to him?

    Your husband has an anger problem? Has he threatened to kill you?

    This kind of behavior will have a bad influence on your kids.

  2. For some reason your husband is very insecure and thinks you will do it with any one on drop of a hat. No you don't push him to any limit, that is just an excuse. He has no right to physically or emotionally abuse you.

    Has he been like that for the last 12 years or he changed after you got married to him?

    Your husband has an anger problem? Has he threatened to kill you?

    This kind of behavior will have a bad influence on your kids.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    What this guy is doing to you is wrong. He has no right to abuse you, physically, emotionally, or any other way. And the aggression he has already shown towards you is very worrying - one of the best predictors of future violence is past violence.

    For your own safety, and that of your children, you need to leave him and seek help to keep yourself and your children safe. Depending on where you live, you may wish to contact the police - they may be able to give some legal protection such as a restraining order, or even arrest and charge him - domestic abuse is a crime in many countries.

    Leaving an abusive relationship can be very scary, so it's important to get support. InshaAllah, there should be women's charities near you who can help - maybe try searching online for women's refuges in your area. If you are in a Western country such as the UK, speak with your GP as they should inshaAllah be able to help you get in contact with the right people.

    Your husband's behaviour is wrong - domestic abuse goes against Islamic values. You are not to blame for his actions - he alone is accountable for the sins he commits.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Salam Saba1,

    I am sorry to read about your ordeal. He is clearly insecure but that shouldn't allow him to abuse you verbally or physically. In islam a husband should not accuse his wife of any wrong doing unless he has witnesses. For him to accuse you is completely haram.
    He is probably bluffing by saying he wants to live you to really control you.
    Often the ones that are the most suspicious are the one that are doing wrong things. Turn the table on him and start asking him questions. See how he reacts.. if he gets upset tell him that is how it feels to be on the receiving end.

    Its a Shame that his family are not understanding for the sake of saving your marriage.

    Something else you could do is offer to see an Imam or marriage counselor.

    Best of luck


    Try, you will remember my words one day it has stopped and he will return to you respectfully......


  6. Do not let him to do that i.e. to leave you - in wazoo read soorat e jumaa at least three times a day - it is more effectivere to read soorat jumaa especially on Friday, it will change the situation one Inshallah - I pray for you also on the holly night of Laila tul qadr - HE will change - and I know he will change - you may write me when he changes Inshallah soon he will change - his circumstances will become so that he will be honest and sincere with you and kids.

    I GUARANTEE IT WILL HAPPEN I.E. he will change. and you will become happy.

    Arshed Raja

    • Salaams,

      1. Please do not put your personal contact info into posts. We do not permit that on this site.

      2. Do not make promises you cannot control the outcome of. How you can you promise this man will change? Are you not aware of how many women or children have prayed and recited and done all manner of dua for someone who is abusing them, and nothing changed? This is a gross oversimplification of the OP's situation.

      I'm certain that if reading ANY surah once or multiple times were the solution to violence, many of our oppressed brothers and sisters would not be going through what they experience daily.

      -Amy Editor

    • Assalaamualaikam

      We cannot guarantee that something will happen - only Allah knows what will be. Don't make promises that you cannot keep.

      Midnightmoon editor

  7. As-salam alaikum,

    From what you say, it sounds most likely that your husband is the one cheating and to mask his guilt or shame, he is turning on you, accusing you, mentally torturing you and worst of all physically harming you. He is mistreating you because he is a horrible coward.

    I base my opinion on what you have said and of some personal experience. He says he wants to leave you etc but he is too cowardly to leave you kindly. Instead he is tormenting you and mistreating you in order to drive you away. This will be costly for you in terms of your safety, mental and physical damage and your kids will also suffer.

    I say draw a line under all this as how much more of your youth will you waste in this abject misery and how much more of your kids childhoods will be ruined. You say he waits for the kids to go to bed, what a lovely father huh. Does he not think to at least treat the mother of his kids humanely? Plus he didn't think of his child whilst attacking you when pregnant.

    His family sound like heartless tribal creatures with twisted ideologies of what is right. I suspect his dad may have treated his mother in the same manner, but again that is only my opinion. A righteous man is indeed the head of the family but this position of power and responsibility is not to be abused by a tyrannical bully like your husband.

    You have to make a plan to leave and act quickly, not disclosing this to your husband as it may well be used as another excuse to hurt you. It's been 6 years of living hell, it is unlikely to change. It is hard to bring up kids alone but you will in time get used to it. At least you will be safer and happier in the long run. It may sound patronising but in difficult times try to think of those less fortunate and at least you have a job and are able to earn a living.

    I am sorry for the loss of your father who was your protector before marriage but what about the rest of your own family? You need to share these problems with someone close to you, although men of this ilk do their best to cut off the wife's contact with others in order to be more controlling. Make yourself aware of what resources are available to you, family, friends, trusted childcare if necessary for when you need to work.

    Take care Insha' Allah

  8. He has no right to abuse you
    You have to options
    1. Divorce because you have rights and he cant do that to you, but it will have an affect on your children..
    2. Becuase you have young children, wait till they grow up more and remain with him for the sake of your kids and family, which is harder but probably the better option, condisdering this is dunya and Allah Subhanaho Wa Taala sees everything

    I hope i helped..

    • Assalaamualaikam

      How can it be the better option to stay in an abusive relationship with a man who beats his wife so badly she needs stitches? Would it not be better for the children to grow up in a stable, non-violent home where they learn about respect and integrity rather than learning about how their father beats their mother?

      Midnightmoon editor

      • Agree ... staying in a abusive relationship for the sake of kids is somehow crazy. Who says it won't become worse? Men like these never change themselves. The sons will learn that it's proper to treat women that way and oppress their wifes, once they're grown. The girls will grow up without sense of self-worth. This is so wrong. A vicious cycle.

  9. Dear Sister,

    Such people never change. I have been suffering for the last 4 years and have also got some advices from the same website on the similar forum. I was advised to keep reciting astughferullah very frequently which could bring happiness to my life and we both could be like love birds. Well, keep reciting astughferullah is of course good, but my husband never changed his abusive attitude. He got all this from his father who had been treating his mom the same way.
    I am also considering to get rid of this man forever cause keep suffering for the sake of marriage title is miserable.

    I pray for you and all sisters to get true pleasures in their lives who are suffering with the abusive husbands.

  10. Sister,
    Why are you still with him?! A man like that does not deserve a woman like you!.. just divorce him, it looks like you're working hard at maintaining the relationship whereas he's the knife of a relationship..
    A relationship needs good communication, and respect, and love.. unfortunately, he does neither of these things.. he has no respect for you (respect comes when there's trust and willingness to understand the other), he does not even communicate with you and just bombards nasty accusations, and lastly if he doesn't respect you he does not have love for you either..
    If you're living with him for your kids, please do them a favor and don't. Kids do not like to see their parents not love each other.. they want to live with parents who are in good relations with each other... I think the kids will be better off without their father.. and you will be psychologically better off without him..

    i wish you luck..
    inshallah things will be better..

  11. Your husband is PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC.
    - hearing voices telling you that somebody has just said bad things about you
    - hearing voices of the familiar ones (negative statements)
    - paranoid that the food may be poisonous
    - hygiene problems
    - fearing somebody is out to get them, e.g neighbor has spread the waves to get information
    -fearing neighbours are planning to kill them
    -doubt about life partner may be cheating on you

    he needs to go to the doctor, he hits you when he is going through an episode and he needs help.

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