Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents care about society, but I care for him

living with the inlaws


I like one boy who cares for me very much. He asked for my hand to my parents, but they rejected it saying he doesn't earn enough and didn't study much. But now he is earning 40k per month. He wants an early marriage, but I am worried how to tell that to my parents. He is ready to marry me without dowry or any other cultural rituals; I mean only nikah. But my parents want me to get married to a professional by giving dowry, money and other things etc. They say that if I get married to that boy, they will have their heads down in society as he studied only up to tenth. But he is strictly religious, namazi and away from girls.

What should I do? How can I tell this to my parents? My parents always think of society and society. I am not interested in marrying others as I find a better person in him, and I think inshaALLAH I will be successful in this duniya and aaqira if I marry him. Please suggest.

-Zahida shaik

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5 Responses »

  1. assalamalaikum-
    A person who does not believe in the Sunnah forfeits the right of guardianship...
    WHAT HE MUST ADHERE TO......Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
    “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 865).
    Praise be to Allaah.
    The basic principle is that one of the conditions of marriage is the consent of both parties, because of the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) which says that the Prophet SAW said: “A virgin cannot be married until her consent has been sought and a previously-married woman cannot be married until she has been consulted.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what is her consent?” He said, “If she remains silent.”
    (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5136; Muslim, 1419)
    Consent is essential in the case of the husband, and also in the case of the wife. The parents have no right to force their son or their daughter to marry someone they do not want.
    Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen also said:
    Would that we could reach a level where a woman can dare, if her father refuses to let her marry one who is suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, to go to the qaadi and he could say,
    “Arrange her marriage or I will do it, or a guardian other than you will do it.”
    Because this is the girl’s right, if her father refuses to arrange her marriage (it is her right to complain to the qaadi). This is her right according to sharee’ah. Would that we could reach this level, but shyness keeps most girls from doing that.
    The parents do not have the right to force their child to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses he is not being disobedient towards them, as is the case when he does not eat what he does not want.
    Al-Ikhtiyaaraat, 344.Islam Q&A

  2. Assalamolaikum Zahida ,

    Best person is the one who is a good Muslim by heart and practicing by heart .But How you know this person is too good religiously? Having relation ship/friendship with woman itself is UnIslamic .

    Below are my points

    1)If you are graduate/postgraduate and this guy is just 10th Standard Pass out then there will be lot of difference in both of your thinking . This might create issues later .At present he might look good but after marriage these issues might come .

    2)I do agree that Parents should not think about Society but think about happiness of kids but in this case I feel your parents seems to be right .He is not well educated and 40K per annum(INR) is not so good if you have got used to good life style .

    3)After marriage most of women thinks more about Money ,Good life style , Support from Husband so I suggest you to drop this guy from your life ..In most of case Love,Romance goes away after marrriage .
    In most of the cases husband will be respected by family if he provides good life style and comfort to family (which is nothing but MONEY)................

    Allah hafiz

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Cool,

      You mean she should drop him (a brother who is religious and with good character) from her life to please her family? What about pleasing Allah and herself?

      You said,

      But How you know this person is too good religiously?

      If there isn't any way to find out this, the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) would not advise us to search for it in people before marrying them. As there are uniforms for police men and women, there are uniforms for righteous men and women, as well.

      I think his level of education does not matter. What matters is his maturity to take care of her emotionally and financially (on the normal level). There are many ways of gaining maturity. Life experience and working to earn money are part of those ways.

      I don't see how her parents seem to be right in this matter. All they care about is respect for themselves in the society, not the happiness of the children.

      Also, I am not sure whether she meant that, he is now earning"40k per month", or "40k per annum".

      As for education, it is not too late for it at all. If they both think that there is a need for it, they can both support each other to achieve it while married, inshaAllah. She can also teach him many things from what she has studied, inshaAllah.

      I think it is clear that this sister is not the type to think about money- she seems religious, and all she is thinking about is how to be successful in dunya and akhirah (Zahida/Zahid means a person of Zuhd). She said "I think inshaALLAH I will be successful in this duniya and aaqira if I marry him."

      What if she drops him from her life, and then marries someone who is rich but not religious nor of good character? Is that going to help her in earning the success she wants to achieve in Dunya and Akhirah?

      The deen and character are the source of eternal happiness and love. Too much money, which is more than our needs is fitnah.

      To the OP (Sister Zahida):

      Firstly, you should know that, Islamically it is the man who gives the woman a dowry and not vice versa.

      Secondly, let the brother approach your parents in a proper Islamic way, and seek for your hands in marriage. If your parents rejects him, and you think their reasons for rejecting him are not based on Islamic grounds, then you may want to invite an imam to talk to them about it. If they still rejects him after the imam has proven them wrong, then you may want to discuss with the imam about how you could get married without involving your parent's approval.

      Also, do not forget to pray Istikhara to seek guidance from Allah in the matter.

      May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide you to what is best in Dunya and Akhirah. Ameen!

      • Assalam alaikum,

        I do agree with Br. Issah. Even though there are some sisters out there who only care for money--not all of them do.

        A husband who is the provider and supporter doesn't have to give the most top-notch luxury life-style--but instead the basics. Being a provider and maintainer of a household is not just money-related issues, but it means acting in the way of his responsibility towards his wife in how he treats her as well. A rich man could mistreat his wife and be abusive and spend lavish amounts on her, but I doubt most women would be remotely attracted to such a man even if he were considered to be handsome.

        By the sounds of it, the man who the OP is interested in is working and does not sound like a current or future couch-potato--he is earning 40k per month (not per year) as the OP statement, so Alhumdulillah.

        And as already stated, Sister (OP) should pursue all Islamic measures in the steps towards marriage, inn shaa Allah.

        May Allah make it possible for you if it is good for you, Ameen.

  3. Salam Sister,

    I agree with brother Issah and Saba,

    When a good man comes your way don't let him go! This is the typical scenario with parents, they always care about their culture and society more then what is right. You maybe for India since you are talking about dowry. Tell your parents its an unislamic practice to give the groom dowry. I believe its a Hindu practice, which even they are trying to put an end to.

    Show your parents the relevant hadith about selecting the religouse one instead of status, wealth and beauty. Also ask him to speak to your parents about his future plans and how he will house you etc etc to put your parents mind at ease. Parents don't relize that in their persuit to please the society they are destroying their child's life. What will be the use of all this status, wealth and education if you are unhappy with the man.

    I pray Allah shows your parents the right path and accepts him.

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