Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents delaying marriage

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I am 23 years old muslimah who had been in a "halal/haram" relationship with another muslim man of 25 years old of age for almost three years. We met at school(diploma studies), understood that it is wrong to be in a relationship and had been having this intention of being married to one another ever since we were 20,22 years old. We both came from a good muslim family background, prays five times a day, go to mosques, go to religious classes and he have the quality of a good muslim man that I couldn't find in any other man. Both our parent approved of our relationship and my mother also thinks he is a good man. Two years ago he came to my house for the first time to get to know my parent first and told them that he has interest in me. I was already working and have a stable full time job but he was not working  at that point of time as he had to serve the nation for two years, and prior to that he will be  starting school tentatively in 2015 at a renowned university in our country while I will still be working full time to financially support our future.

See, we both really wanted to get married and already had our financial plans sorted out for our future so it will be easier to be married while he is studying in University but Unfortunately, after many attempt to convince, both of our parent are not supportive of it and felt that we are both young in which I did not understand because we are of the age to be getting married.. and they even said that he should concentrate on his studies first and HE is the one should be financially stable before getting married to me.

I would like to further explain that me and him, respect one another very much, and we both want to refrain from this "haram/halal" relationship. Many times we tried separating and not contacting for one or two month but end up contacting again via whatsapp. We love each other very much. Throughout this three years of relationship I have only met him once every three months and we both joyly well know that it is wrong! We never went beyond anything you wrong you might imagine, we never held hand, touch each other etc because we both had always wanted to make things right but things had always been difficult for us that we even wondered if our parent would only allow us to get married if I end up pregnant. Nauzubillah min zalik. Of course we both won't do it. But we both couldn't help thinking that way.

I am 23 now, working at a stable company while he just started school and will be in school to complete his Bachelor studies for the next four years. If we were to wait until he graduates, we would only be married when I am 27 and he is 29. We are extremely upset that our parent are delaying our marriage and it is affecting his studies as well. We are making du'a everyday and comforting ourselves that Allah will promise something good for us.. but we couldn't help resorting to negativity(doing things wrong),

We have four more years to go and sadly, we are both crying because of this situation..I suppose this is very relatable to many young muslims people, and the advices given is not only for myself but applies to many other young muslims too..


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5 Responses »

  1. The real reason may be your parents don't want you to get married to this man.

    People who seem to be religious are same as others. This guy is religious but he is dating you that is against Islam. you should not wait for 4 years to get married to him.

  2. Asalaam Walaikum.

    Your parents if religious would know the dangers of delaying the Nikkah and so do you as you say there is always a chance that you could get pregnant (May Allah never let that happen).

    If everyone is genuinly happy then the Nikkah should be done ASAP.

    Watch this video and get your parents to watch it also, it might be a strong video but this is not a time to be embarassed its vital to your imaan you know and so should your parents ... this video directly relates to your situation - May Allah give your parents the understanding ... Ameen!

    Don't Delay Nikah! - WARNING TO PARENTS:

    If I was in your shoes I would get the Local Imam involved.

    May Allah make grant you happiness ... Ameen.

  3. Sister ,

    I think your parents are mainly concern about his financial conditions and below points

    1)A husband is supposed to provide for family but if he is taking 4 more years to complete the education and then he has to find a job then he will be depending on you .You have to support him till the time he finishes the course and get a job . Once the honeymoon phase is over the wife will feel it frustrating to support him for such a long time .Lot of fights happens in marriage due to financial reasons .

    So please remember finance is very important part of life

    2)There is possibility of EGO clashes due to same reason

    3)If you get pregnant then it will be very difficult for you to support yourself ,husband and after delivery kids . Most of jobs nowadays are challenging and if you had to handle all these with role as primary bread earner it will be very difficult .

    I suggest you to think about all these points . If you are mentally ready to accept these future challenges then have a cool discussion with your parent and try to convince them that you are aware of future challenges and both of are mentally ready to face it ..Then they might agree for it after few discussions ..

    • @illogicall, I completely agree with you.
      Sister, I think your parents are very concerned of your future and they do not want you to get hurt. However, if you both try to talk to them in details on how you are going to handle all these challenges, e.g. financial responsibility, family planning -possibility of getting pregnant, time management, your career plan, health insurance, housing arrangement,etc, etc. Plan for the worse scenario and where and how you both can seek help. Some other suggestions is to ask the man to work for one year and save up a pool of emergency money for the future use. That also show his sincerity and determination to marry you. Hopefully, your parents will understand and believe that you both are mature enough to handle the situation.

      Also, do you have a trusted member that you can talk to? It may be wise to ask for their help. Inshallah, may Allah guide you and your parents to the best solution for this marriage.

  4. Delaying the marriage of children and let them committing sins is equally sinful as the one doing it.
    Could you get involved any elder family member who can advise your parents?

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