Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parent’s disappointment is making me miserable

Assalamu Alikum,
I am 21 years old. I have to say my problem to some one and I want to get an solution, but I don't know English well but I write it as I know.

I have one brother & one sister they both study medicine, but I didn't because I' m not well educated. Because of that I feel like my parents are not loving me, because I see that they do not treat me equally to my brother and sister. When my father's friends came to my home  my father does not introduce me to them.

Sometimes I feel I'm an orphan. Because of that I loved a boy. But I feel that he also don't love me. He also always scolding me as my parent.  Now I feel alone.

I can't suicide because I'm a Muslim I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to barzak life. I need suvarkam.

Please give me some advice for me.

- fazmina

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10 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum Fazmina,

    Find the Precious Jewel you are inside of yourself. Don´t look outside or in others what you have inside.

    If you need someone from this world to Love you Unconditionally, I do, from that point on you can hold my hand until you feel strong enough to walk by yourself.

    Now that you listen, I am going to tell you where lies your power within, and once you get it you will be able to walk by yourself, and help others.

    Your inner strength comes from Allah(swt), go to him, when you are in pain, to call Him, Bismillah, when you are happy, thankfull to say Alhamdulillah, when you are making a project to say insha´Allah, when solving obstacles to say Allahu akbar, when things comes up easier to say Subhanallah, ... every moment of the day have Allah(swt) in your thought, ... learn His Names and go deep in their meanings, ... do the five prayers,... eat well and exercise (just walking is enough if you want).

    Look for refuge in Allah(swt), alloud yourself to shine, if you want to study, tell your parents, see what you like and look for that, move to improve yourself and to find what makes you dream in this life, you have all the doors open to learn, you can be what you want you are still very young and life is full of opportunities. You can do it, focus in your Life, you are begining to live,....

    Related to this boy, build yourself up, get strong, love and respect yourself, study, pray, and then you will find someone that will appreciate and honour you as you deserve, insha´Allah.

    Be patience, you can do it, insha´Allah.

    Breath in, breath out, fill your belly with air, and let it go, relax your shoulders and go for a walk, pray, and see a opportunity to improve in every corner, Alhamdulillah.

    My words go from my Heart to your Heart, may Allah(swt) ease your suffering and guides all of us to the Straight Path, insha´Allah.

    You are not alone, you are in Allah(swt)´s Hands.

    Barak Allah feekum.


    • i am also 21 and just failed college and my parents are mad at me and both my brother and sister are also in medicine and dads a doctor i am also depressed and wanted to commit suicide but that's not the answers i over weight and my dad keeps me away as possible from his friends

      • For some people success comes very easily and their challenge is developing understanding for other's hardships and sympathy for situations they may have never experienced.

        For you, your challenge is understanding that your situation is a test. Once you understand that you have to come up with unique ways to overcome your worst fears which is disappointing your family and not being just another child who does what they want. Of course, it is hard and you feel like a black sheep of the family, but don't give up.

        Don't despair, believe in Allah swt, and own your mistakes- it is okay to make them. Learn from them and rather than allowing the events cloud your mind, accept the reality and think clearly--denial will only make it worse.

        You don't have to be a doctor--be and choose what you are good at--Ask Allah to soften your father's heart -- try to talk with him and inn shaa Allah, he may surprise you by acting in a way that you never expected. May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  2. Assalamu Aleikum dear Fazmina,

    I'm shocked and outraged by the ignorance of your parents. As if our holy messenger held a

    PHD at Oxford. How ridiculous that these people call themselves Muslims.

    First of all, the value of a human being is not defined by looks or status. It is defined by taqwa, religiousity

    and love for Allah ta'ala. The prophet of God didn't tell mankind to achieve great academic references, he

    told mankind about the wisdom of that which is unseen, about the wisdom of the heart, about the love

    and rahma for one another. Bilal al Habashi, his Muazzin, was black and surely not very well educated,

    Salman Farsi, one of his beloved companions, was Iranian and non-Arab. The prophet of God was like

    honey, surrounded by bees. He was Umm ul Ghurra, not taught by the people, but by God.

    Now let's return to you situation. Forget about this facebook culture, forget about everything you see in

    the advertising industry, forget about your parents. You are created by God, you are one of his wonders.

    You have a value in the eyes of Allah which can't be explained in words. In some countries in the Middle

    East, people love to show off with money and success. But this is as far away from Islam as the moon from

    the earth. My own mom has the same way of thinking, unfortunately.

    Be a good human being. Don't lie. Have a kind word for everybody. Help others who are in need. Behave

    not in a primitive human, but prophetic way. These values are prophetic values, so first work on them.

    Secondly, it is of course everybody's duty to find a role in society. Some women are great homemakers,

    and have up to 4 kids. Some women are very career-oriented and love to serve the faith by studying

    either Islamic science,pedagogics, or plenty of other things. You don't have to be a physician in order to

    be worth something. Some physicians are worshipped like half-gods in many countries of the Middle East.

    How ridiculous. Is an economist, or a nurse, or even a shopkeeper, a hairstylist, not beneficial for the

    society? Can a physician go to his work at the hospital by looking like a darwish? He needs a good

    hairstyle and goes to the hairstylist. We are like a chain, if one link is missing, the whole chain is going to

    be destroyed; society is like a chain and you can be your own link of this chain. Your parents can't choose it,

    you must be allowed to do it.

    Shame on your parents, that they are driving their own offspring towards suicide. They have failed. Do

    they want to raise some slaves for the economy without feelings or heart, or do they want to raise kids

    with social and moral awareness? Shame on them, for this narrow-minded attitude. If they don't change,

    I'd recommend you to move out. Confront them and talk to them. But if they still don't change their minds,

    move. Into your own flat or appartement. You are capable of everything. Stand in front of the mirror every day

    and smile at yourself. Say I'm beautiful. With make-up, nice clothing and the right nutrition, we all are

    attractive. Every single human being is beautiful and intelligent, we just have to believe in

    ourselves. Don't let your parent's comments influence you. If your dad doesn't introduce you to his friends,

    confront him. Tell him you don't tolerate this behaviour. Raise your voice, and show your displeasure.

    At the end of the day, let me tell you one thing. You don't need anyone. Even not your parents. Have Allah.

    Having Allah is not easy. It requires detachement and a lot of dua and prayers. Allah will never spread

    rumours, Allah will never backbite, Allah won't take advantage of potential weaknesses. Allah will never

    criticize your status, your appearance, your health or your wealth. Entrust your affairs to God and you will

    be a king.

    I wish I could help you a bit, my beautiful and intelligent sister and if there is anything I can do for you, just

    let me know.


  3. Good for you sis, you appear to have more intelligence than your parents, Masha'Allah. The first Muslims to accept Islam were the uneducated, poor and slaves. They had humbleness and fear, just as you fear Allah subhanhu wa tala and your death/grave. Don't assume just becase you do not have a degree that you are lesser in intelligence, don't allow anyone to make you feel that way. Understand that it's not the degree that makes you smart, it's the people Allah subhanhu wa tala chooses to bless with understanding that are smart/successful. And a person blessed with understanding knows that they will have to face Allah subhanhu wa tala and so they fear Him; just as you do. The Prophet saw was an illiterate man, he could not read or write, but Allah subhanhu wa tala chose him to be the Final Messenger and convey the message of Al-Islam.
    Sister, the solution to your problem is simple; understand that Allah subhanhu wa tala has saved you from a trial. You will be tested with good, and with bad. You are saved from having that "extra good", which breeds arrograngce and forgetfulness of Allah subhanhu wa tala. Instead you are able to see life for what it is. I ask you to look around you and think about people and happiness. Think about true success, think about our final end......then think about your life.
    It's not about trying to be accepted by those that are looking for wordly gain, it's about trying to Please Allah subhanhu wa tala and understanding that you have a different mission in life. Use what you have been given by Allah subhanhu wa tala; and yes, you do have something special you just think to figure it out.
    As for the boy you like, just figure out who you are first. Understand who you are, what is important in life, what you want to acheive as a Muslim woman. Respect yourself and others will respect you.

    Take care of yourself my dear sis, and don't be in despair for Allah subhanhu wa tala is close to His servants. May Allah subhanhu wa tala Guide us to His Pleasure...Ameen

  4. Walaikumssalam Warhamathallahi Wabrakathuhu Sis,

    By any chance do you speak tamil? I speak Tamil (from Sri Lanka) and i recognized the word "suvarkam"

    Anyways, Subhanallah!! I cannot apprehend how your parents treat you. I also have a brother doing medicine..and i'm also planning to go in that route..Inshallah. But im not as intelligent as my parents also sort of treat me like the way you're treated. When they have a son/daugher doing medicine..they just cannot wait to tell others how proud they're. Maybe its a the sri lankan culture..but Islamically, every son/daughter should be loved equally regardless of their status.

    Make Dua for them, ask Allah(swt) to forgive them..and nonetheless, you're still their daughter even if they do not regard it in that way. We should all be striving to please Allah(swt) only, only fear him and Do good deeds to enter Jannah. Despite how they treat you, i'm sure no parents will wish their child to be hurt in anyway. Have you tried telling them how your feel? Well, me and my parents dont have that lovey dovey bond..but they do care about me..I feel really different from my family..and even i'm the ONLY left-handed person in the whole family..but still, i love them all and make dua for them to enter Jannah.

    Sister, Pursue Allah(swt) And inshallah you will enter suvarkam Sister. And if you're in this Haraam relationship where the partner does not love nor intends to get married, Pls leave him Sis. I speak from experience. I also loved someone..did really bad things..but It made me closer to Allah(swt)..And even today..i repent..and hope Allah(swt) will forgive me. My badness ruined my life..i lost a really good future husband..and Remember sister, they're other people out there with worser problems than yours. We should be thankful to be even alive today..There are others out there in depression but if you trust Allah(swt), he will always be with you.

    Take care my dear sister in Islam..And know that you're included in my duas.
    And Allah(swt) knows best.

  5. I'll tell you a story, and its not to show off, its to motivate you ok. When I was a kid I was always compared to my 'smart' and 'good' older brother. He is 3 years older then me, and my parents always compared me and him. Even as a kid I knew that he is older and wiser than me, they why this unjust comparison?! Infact, if he told on me for something, his word would be gospel, and I would get my bottom reddened. Academically I was never smart in school either, in fact I ended up dropping out early. I got lots of smacks from my father for failing my subjects, yet I never recall getting any help with homework ever 🙂

    Later in my 20's I decided to start studying. It was a well thought and tough decision, either work as a laborer or struggle a little and gain an education? I enrolled in a beginners course in computing and took it slowly, once I was past the verbal and physical abuse of my parents I was able to move forward. They made fun of me and continued to compare me to my siblings; no words could hurt me.

    I turned the tables on them, I started asking my mother for her dua. During exams, before classes, all the time really. She was happy to do so, and to her surprise I didn't make much out of their insults. At the back of her mind, I bet she felt if I failed, her prayers werent good enough. Hey, it was cheeky, but it worked! At the age of 24 I graduated with a bunch of 20 year olds with a Degree in Computer Science. I felt like an old man (yes even at 24) amongst a bunch of kids in class lol. 5 years on in the industry and I am paid close to 60k USD, which in my home country is equivalent to 80k NZD. Now I build some of the largest websites in my country and recently been offered an opportunity in Australia for 20% more pay; I've taken it. AL-Humdolillah! Sabr, patience is so sweet and Allah is the greatest!

    Ask you mother to make dua for you everyday. Doesn't matter they treat you bad. Show them that you love them and need them. Allah accepts the prayers of parents. Dont be shy and ask her for her prayers. She will sympathize with you when she knows about your pain. The more you seek dua from your parent the better your life will be. The more they will understand you, and the more they can offer you guidance.

    Finally, if you are not intellectually capable of doing 'white collar' work, e.g. working in offices etc.. look for a practical trade. Maybe you are good at something practical that girls in your country do. You know, if its a practical trade, you can take it around the world too. e.g. Chef, Interior designer etc...

    Lesson to parents, do not put your kids down. So what if they came 2nd in class or 2nd to last?! encourage them, and drive them. Most importantly never ever compare them to their siblings.
    Lesson to children: Hadith says 'Dont even say uf to your parents', seek their dua. They are adults, they realize their mistakes quickly, but never admit to it. I am now both a father and a son, so I know! lol.

  6. Don't live for your parents, they will die one day & you will regret following them, live for Allah and you won't be disappointed.

  7. Salaam sister

    Please have patience and don't give up on yourself or your parents. My parents compare me to my younger sister or to my cousins on a daily basis. To my parents everyone is better than me and that hurts but along the way I changed the way I used to see things and that helped so I hope insha Allah my story helps you in some way.

    I am 33 and a university graduate in the field of medical technology but for two years now have been unable to find a position in my field here in NZ. To my parents I studied for the wrong field. My sister on the otherhand heads a government department.

    My marriage failed seven years ago and I cant find someone to marry and my sister is happily married with two kids. Even though my marriage was a sham (and I walked out of it alone in a foreign country, I still can't believe it!) my parents still blame me for everything. They can not see that despite being alone I choose to live in a respectable manner.

    Even if I do or say something good and my sister does the opposite she is still better than me to my parents. My sister does not talk to me and doesn't include me in anything because she sees the way my parents treat me and she feels I am unworthy of anyones respect.

    But I have learnt and thus I choose to see it this way: life is too short and not worth letting my parents or anyones disappointments make me miserable. Life already has its share of disappointments in store for us, we don't need to add to that. Whats more important is to celebrate and make the most of this life in a halal manner because at the end of the day it is Allah subhana wa tallah we answer to.

    I will always be grateful to my parents for my childhood. They took care in pregnancy so that I could be born normal into this world. They celebrated my birth and took care of me. If I am educated or learnt to value education, its because of them. Thus how they choose to see me or their disappointment in me is immaterial.

    If I have the stength to go on despite falling flat on my face, it's because they taught me about faith in Allah subhana wa tallah, about strength, about believeing that Allah subhana wa tallah will never test me with more than what I can endure, and so for that too I am grateful to them.

    My parents are human and bound to make mistakes or treat us unfairly or be disappointed in us. I guess whats more important is for us to see the bigger picture and pick out the things that make our lives better. Isn't it better to find reasons to be grateful than to find reasons to make life miserable.

    You had the courage to blog your sorrows, maybe because your parents at some point in your life taught you about whats positive and whats not. As parents grow old, as times change and alot of other things their expectations of us will change. I will never be who my parents want me to be but I would like to be a good muslim daughter to them because at the end of the day that is what I will answer for.

    I may not be in the profession they want me to be but I will use the brains I have been blessed with and try to better my life. Before every exam I used to call both my mum and dad and ask for their dua. (I do not live with them but I call them every night to say salaam and to ask them how was their day. They did their part, now it is my turn, their disappointment in me doesn't even enter the picture.) I wanted them to know they are part of my life, my successes or failings, however they may choose to see me. I wanted them to know immaterial how they chose to see me, their dua for me was the most powerful tool I had in my life.

    They are my parents, what they owed me they have already given. They have provided for me to grow into a healthy adult who can make decent choices in life. They have taught me about Islam, how to make dua and salaat. Their disappointment in me when I look at the bigger picture is comparatively small and something I can bear with patience, alhamdhulillah, because I have more reasons to be grateful to my parents than anything else. Afterall Allah subhana wa tallah chose my parents for me.

    In conclusion, I would like to tell you something I heard at a funeral. I will summarise and apologise in advance for any discrepancies in my story telling. An Imam was telling the story of Musa ale salaam. He said that Musa ale salaam was beckoned from the heavens and told to make his footfalls softer. When Musa ale salaam asked why, he was told because his mother had passed on and there was no one to make dua for him like she did.

    Our parents are only people. They are not perfect and we can never fully satisfy their expectations. There is bound to be disappointments. But be kind to them and always ask for their dua. And trust in allah subhana wa tallah that insha Allah the day will come when your parents will be very content with you. And for yourself, work hard and become what you envision yourself to be. Keep your parents or anyones else disappointments away from the bigger picture.

  8. Wa Alaykum Salaam ! If your parents treat you this way, it is definitely not right, but, suicide is Haraam and you wil go straight to Jahannam! You are stil a young woman! You have your life ahead , why don’t you learn the Deen of Islam , and go to classes, do a course in Deen it wil lighten your heart you can teach others too, and you wil find Allah ! InShaaAllah... when you achieved this you can study further and also gain a degree .. but to learn Allahs Deen is one of the best careers !

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