Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents’ disapproval of a pious girl


As Salamu Alaikum, I am a 26 years old male. I try my best to keep up my religious commitments with Allah.

Since last 6 months I am intending to get married and I have informed my parents to look for a compatible spouse for me who is a person of deen and they started searching.

Since last 3 months, I have known a woman from the college where I studied before, who is religiously committed to Allah and as I was intending to get married I started communicating with her, inquired about her and have found that she is really a great person of deen, she also does Islamic dawah and she does not want any relation with me outside marriage.

I now really love and care her very much and she also loves me and we have consents to get married each other and decided to restrain ourselves from any further unlawful communication until marriage and repent our sinful communications. I also promised her that I will marry her asap. So i have informed my parents about her and requested them to arrange my marriage with her. She also informed her parents about me and her parents agrees about me.

But the thing is, my parent is strongly opposing this marriage with her because of her lineage/race. Though her father is a rich and respectable person, her parent’s lineage/race is something low in our local community. Most of the people in our community looks down to them because of that. My parent is so strictly opposing this marriage for her lineage/race that my parent said to me if I marry her i would have to leave my parents and live on my own with my wife and me and my wife can't have any good relation with my parent.

I also want to inform you that my parents are also moderately religious and is very very good to me always and they always did their best take care of me and loves me a lot since my childhood. I also love and care for my parents a lot. But regarding this marriage, my parents are not agreeing as they are saying this will totally dishonor them in our society/community if I marry a woman of such low lineage/race.

I tried my best to convince my parents in kind gentle manner but still they don't approve this marriage. I really love this woman and I believe if I reject such a good woman just because of her lineage/race which she had no control over, I believe it will be an injustice to her. At the same time, if I marry her my parents will get hurt a lot as they loves me a lot and wished/dreamt that they will give my marriage to some other better lineage/race in our community.

I am in such a frustrated situation that is effecting my daily life. I really want to get married to this girl and I am also afraid if I reject her based on my parent’s disapproval she will be left very hurt for her whole life and affect her deen also.

Please suggest me what should I do, should I obey my parents and reject her because of her lineage or should I marry her by myself without my parent’s consent?


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11 Responses »

  1. Salam.

    Your parents most likely have other issues that they have not spoken to you about. Of course, racism is one possibility of not accepting someone from a race or tribe that is perceived to be lower. However, I find it that often parents won't approve of marriage to other cultures or races because of communication difficulties. One has to remember that marriage is a union of two families, so checking for compatibility with regards to family should be a consideration. Relationships are built through communication which is established through language. Often parents will reject suitable matches because the parents of the groom will not be able to communicate with the parents of the bride. This is a major consideration that many young people overlook. Of course, this has no basis in Islam but plays a major role in how the two families interact with one another. However, you don't mention anything related to communcation difficultes between the two familes leading me to assume that this problem is about racism itself.

    Given that finding a suitable partner in this day and age is difficult, I would recommend that you pursue this sister and respectfully remind your parents that Islam does not allow for racism. Also remind them that disowning your children is a sin because it involves the severing of family ties which is a grave sin in Islam. In the meantime, talk to your parents about why they do not want you to marry this girl and determine how their thoughts are influenced. Often, parents are influenced into believing things by their close friends and if this is the case with your mother and father, approach their friends and have a talk with them as well with regards to what Islam makes of the issue of racism. In shaa Allah, you will find a solution you will be able to work with. If you are a desi person than you must know that many traditions in our culture are borrowed from the age of Jahiliyyah and will have to be broken by force. This will involve offending people who do not like your stance but you can use your marriage as an opportunity to give dawah to the society you are in (ie racism is haram). Chances are if you reject this marriage, your parents will blackmail you again until they arrange a marriage for you that might not be suitable. It's unfortunate that parents do this to their children, but it happens so be wary about that fact that if you reject a suitable partner now, your parents will steer you towards someone of their choice and not yours.

    May Allah (SWT) guide you through this difficult phase. Ameen.

    • Walaikum As Salam, brother Jazak Allah Khair for your nice advice and time.

      There is no communication difficulties, her father is a reputed doctor and richer than us. We are also rich and well educated family.

      But her mother has issues, her mother previously attempted for suicides and people knows about it. This is another problem my parents are not willing about this marriage. But the girl is good and is not like her mother at all.

      What my parents are trying to explain that, I have a younger brother and a sister, so if I marry her, my younger brother and sister will have trouble also getting married in future because good people might not send proposal to my younger brother and sister seeing their elder brother got married to someone so called low lineage person. But I know marriage is from Allah and Allah will take care of my siblings marriage too. Another thing is, my parents said to me, most of my relatives will also avoid me and my wife or my relatives will just have a formal communication with us but nothing will be spontaneous. So my parents also asked me if I will be able to bear that with patience and I said i will not care about what other people will think about me.

      Latest update is, my parents said to me that they will arrange the marriage for me only for the sake of well being of me as they love me. But i know they are not happy inside and they are not going to do it spontaneously. I want to marry the girl and I believe my parents will get over it if they find me how happy I am after marriage.

      And yes I am a desi person living at Bangladesh and many traditions in our culture are borrowed from the age of Jahiliyyah.

  2. I say go for it you cant always please parents and its your life and your choice this is your right islamically. I believe as long as you know whats halaal and haraam then there is no reason why your parents should stop you. These days you have to stand ground with parents especially when you have decided what you want in life and I honestly believe the earlier you start looking for a partner the better. If you are serious and want this marry her because parents are not going to be here forever dont live in regrets like me leaving marriage too late. InshAllah all the best.

  3. Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the
    world is the Pious Woman."
    [Sahih Muslim] Make istikhara my brother. Religious wife, mashallah

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    If, what you say is true, and that you are sincere and that your parents are rejecting her due to racism, you should not reject her.

    Involve an Imam or close family or friend to speak to your parents and give it time. Remind them of the stories of our Sahabas and use gentle words and a gentle tone.

    Make Du'a and pray Isthikhara. May Allah swt allow for the best outcome for you and your family and help to clear any misunderstandings, Ameen.

  5. وَالَّذِي أَنْزَلَ الْكِتَابَ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ مَا لأَحَدٍ عَلَيَّ فَضْلٌ إِلا بِعَمَلٍ إِنْ أَنْتُمْ إِلا كَطَفِّ الصَّاعِ By the one who revealed the Book to Muhammad, none is more virtuous over another except by righteous deeds. You have none but an insignificant amount.

    يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ أَلَا إِنَّ رَبَّكُمْ وَاحِدٌ وَإِنَّ أَبَاكُمْ وَاحِدٌ أَلَا لَا فَضْلَ لِعَرَبِيٍّ عَلَى أَعْجَمِيٍّ وَلَا لِعَجَمِيٍّ عَلَى عَرَبِيٍّ وَلَا لِأَحْمَرَ عَلَى أَسْوَدَ وَلَا أَسْوَدَ عَلَى أَحْمَرَ إِلَّا بِالتَّقْوَى أَبَلَّغْتُ O people, your Lord is one and your father Adam is one. There is no favoritism of an Arab over a foreigner, nor a foreigner over an Arab, and neither red skin over black skin, nor black skin over red skin, except through righteousness. Have I not conveyed the message?

    “Narrated Ibn Jarir: The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: Allah will not inquire about your lineage on the Day of Resurrection. The most honorable in the sight of Allah is he who is most pious.”

    Narrated Uqbah Bin Aamir: The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: These lineages of yours do not make you superior to anyone. You are all sons of Adam. No one has superiority over another except in piety and consciousness. It is sufficient shame for one to be foul, evil, or stingy.”

  6. Slms
    To save a lot of heartace and difficulties amoung the two families and between the two of you'll in the long run it would be adviceable to avoid getting married to her but the best is to read Dua for Istikara
    Hope this hepls

    • On the Day of Judgement will we not be questioned if we rejected someone based on race? As Br. Demise has listed above, we are not to favour one race over another and indeed that means we are not to put down one race below another--and clearly, this is mentioned so as to warn us in how we deal with one another.

      We should not avoid doing a good thing or the right thing just to save temporary heartache and difficulty in the dunya.

      When our parents are making a clearly wrong choice especially against Islam, it is our duty to gently remind them with love and respect like when Prophet Ibrahim spoke to his father.

  7. Look... as a man you don't need to get the approval of your parents. I understand you want to do the Islamic thing but the thing is this: This is your other half of your deen, not your parents. To avoid marriage or anything on behalf of your parents is ludicrous as you could easily fall into the traps of Zinah (whether physical or of the eyes). I would highly recommend getting married to this girl. If your parents disagree with you, make dua for them and marry her.

    Also Istikhara is something you do when your heart is not attached to a situation. If your heart is attached to a situation and you really desire something, simply ask Allah for it. People tend to keep saying "Make Istikhara" without praciticing the basics of simply making dua for one's desires of this world.

    I would rather you be happy, praying, and following the deen than to make the same mistake I made 2 years ago where my parents did not approve of someone and even lied to me about them, lose someone awesome and then live in regret because at that point, you've armed Shaytan with everything he needs to hit you at your moments of weakness and it is a HUGE struggle for me at this point in my life. So please, for the sake of Allah, go for her and make dua to Allah to bless you all. I am praying for you and I pray you have happiness brother with this sister Insha Allah ameen.

    • As Salamu Alaikum,

      Brother. I love you for the sake of Allah. Jazak Allahu Khair for your reply. Brother its late now, the girl got married with another brother later, who is a very good and islam practicing brother. This was arranged by her family as she requested her family to arrange a marriage for her. She waited for me a long time so that I can get convince my parents but at the end we two both agreed that she should marry some one else and that would be better for her deen and future. The girl is happy now. But here I am, still unmarried. Sometimes miss her so much. I am looking forward to get married too if I find another pious girl in sha allah. But the thing is, some times i feel sad that i missed such a very a good girl. But Al ham dulillah, I trust Allah, in sha allah, Allah has kept something better for me. Its just little hard to stay patient. I pray for you too brother, May Allah make things easy for us all and give us better replacements.

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