Parents do not agree with love marriage?
Assalamualaikum,
I needed advice after having fallen in love with a man my parents would disapprove of. We became friends and started talking a lot for 3 years before he confessed that he harboured feelings. While I also feel the same way, I didn't tell him that as I was worried that this is both Islamically not allowed and because I would not want to disappoint my parents. I started become increasingly worried that I am sinning by talking to him, even though we did not commit zinna or do anything inappropriate or disrespectful, and decided to cut off communication. I acknowledge that I have sinned and feel immensely guilty for being involved and talking to this man before doing research and discovering for myself that this is haram, but feel that I have done all this too late and now have strong feelings for him that I don't know what to do about. He is a practicing Muslim himself and respected my decision, so we no longer talk.
I would like to make our relationship halal through marriage but do not think either of our parents would approve if we were to tell them as they believe love marriages to be dishonourable. They prefer their own choice and my parents often make fun of the man I am interested in. Is there any way I can make dua that this marriage will miraculously work out, or do we create our own fate and I will have to act in order to marry this man? If so, what about our parents, I do not want to disappoint them.
Thank you.
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Assalaamualaikum
If you truly want to marry this man, then you will need to speak with your parents in the first instance. You can discuss with them how marriage to a person of your choice is permitted Islamically, and reassure them that you are not involved in any inappropriate contact with him. Then listen, really listen, to what your parents say. Do they have valid reasons for being concerned? Or is their opposition based on issues which are not based in Islamic principles? Then you will need to decide for yourself whether to go along with their decision, or seek the intervention of an imam or an elder in your community - they might be able to speak to your parents on your behalf, and an imam may even be able to act as your wali if he agrees that your parents are not acting in accordance with Islamic principles and that this man would be a good match for you.
At every stage, pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you - read our articles if you need advice on how to do this.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Jazakallah for your advice. I am worried to speak to my parents as they react really strongly and aggressively to the idea of love marriage or of me choosing my own spouse - they see it as dishonourable, even if we had not had any inappropriate contact. They would see me simply having talked to him as entirely inappropriate. I would not want to marry him without their consent, but do not see them changing their mind. Thank you.