Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents don’t understand me. I need some help or I might commit suicide.

patience abuse torture

Aoa everyone. My name is Ahmed. I'll tell you my story from the start. From the time i was born, I have been a victim of my parents torture. I'm not saying that they[my parents] haven't been there for me. My mom loves me and so does my dad. They sent me to a very good school and they bought a second car with a sole purpose to pick and drop me and my sisters from school. I'm now in University and they take good care of me. Problem is that they don't understand me.

Right from the start my mom has been extremely strict on me as she believed that giving even some amount of freedom to a young boy will turn him bad. So right from the start i was the subject of my mums physical torture when I used to make a mistake even though how small it may be.  I couldn't share anything with my mum or my dad and i was extremely lonely. At school I was bullied by my class fellows and fights with them was a common thing.

Since i had no one to talk to, I had no confidence in me and i used to stammer a lot. Even though i tried to be whatever they wanted me to be, I used to go to mosque to pray, I respected them and never shouted in front of them. I never even asked them for money. My pocket money was 15 rupees a day. But it wasn't enough. She still beat me whenever i made a mistake or if I used to stay up late at night playing games. She used to break my dvd's and other stuff.

My dad was a very good man, but he couldn't say anything in front of my mum. I never understood why? She had a strong belief that friends will turn me into a bad person so I never had a friend. Even know i dont have a best friend and i usually spend my free time alone. I had no cellphone even though all my class fellows had cellphones so i used to lie to them that i have a cell. Since cellphones weren't allowed in my school, they never found out about my lies.

When I was I class 8 and was preparing for my Matric exams, she used to beat me a lot if I failed to get good marks in my class tests. Even my Sir used to beat me a lot. She even once broke my finger and twice she busted my head. If my dad was home, mum kept the beating to a minimum. But since he had to go to work, my mum had a freehand to beat me as much as she liked. I used to stay up all night studying[not that i wanted to study, only because it made my parents happy to see me studying]. But since my fear hardly ever let me concentrate on studies, hardly any day passed that she didn't beat me. But Allah Allah kar kay Matric guzar gaya.

I was finally in college. I used to dream about the freedom i was promised by my parents that if took good marks in Matric, they would buy me a cellphone and a car, but it was a lie. By than i knew that if I had to survive, I had to take a stand. So I openly confronted my mum one day. I told her that just trust me and let me be free, If you keep this up i won't have a life and I will never be a successful man and a good Muslim. I think she understood and even tried to change a bit. I was given a certain amount of freedom. They increased my pocket money and allowed to go out with friends once a week. I was in heaven.

Once in my life I was happy. In those days one of my female cousin became interested in me. Since she was very hot and good looking, i gave in to her charms. But soon my parents found out about it and all the hell broke lose. You can only imagine what happened to me. In cut short, they gave me hell for it and grounded me. I knew I was at fault so I tried very hard to earn their trust back.

I passed my Intermediate exams with very good marks. By then time had healed the past wounds and they forgave me and they even bought me a cellphone and bought me a car. I was extremely happy. But they never fully understood me. My mum stopped the physical torture and started to torture me mentally. If I ever made a tiny mistake, she used to cry a lot and beat herself. She wouldn't talk to me for days and would sometimes kick me if i happened to be around her. Due to this, I used to stay up all night and i used to cry a lot.

If i got in an accident, she used the same method on me. Since I was a new driver, I used to crash my car a lot. So my parents sold my car. They told me I was not fit enough to drive it. My mum is an expert at abusing and she used to abuse me a lot. Her attitude pained me a lot. But I stayed quiet. I never questioned her. I never asked for anything.

Since I was alone and had no one to talk to, I used to stay alone all day long and I tried my level best to avoid my parents. I sometimes used to feel bad about my behavior and when I tried to sit among my parents, only thing they were interested in was my studies. They never gave a damn about me or what I wanted. I wanted them to understand me. But they never bothered to listen to me.

So when I finished my college I decided to study ACCA. In those days I met this boy, Usman. He was  everything that I wanted in a friend. We used to stay together all day long and were regularly hanging out with a couple of friends. My parents thought that Usman was corrupting me and ordered me to stay away from him but for once in my life I refused. I told them that they were mistaken and that Usman is a good guy. He was madly in  love with his cousin. He used to talk about her all day long and I was only happy to listen to him.

One day we were chatting on cellphone I noticed that he sounded extremely dispirited. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he was going to commit suicide because of that girl.I tried to knock some sense into him but he disconnected the call. I tried calling him back but he wouldn't pick up the call and he powered off his cell. I knew he was upto no good. I told my dad and he told me to go to his home ASAP. MY mum decided to come along. I droved so fast that I crash the car twice on my way. My mum was fuming but she kept quite. We reached his home and luckily we stopped him before he could do anything. I had a chat with his dad and made Usman promise that he won't try to do anything stupid.

My mum was quiet on our was back. As soon as we were home, she started abusing me and Usman. She was furious that I had nearly wrecked the car. I knew that it was better if i kept my mouth shut. She summoned my dad and showed him the car. He wasn't happy. They both ordered me to stay away from Usman and if i ever contacted him again, they would disinherit me. So what choice I had? I called my best and only friend and told him that it was over. He wasn't happy but he understood and was extremely sorry for causing me the trouble. I asked him that do tell me if I he managed to get the girl of his dream. With that we said our goodbye's.

My mum was not in a good mood and she f****d my mind up all night! She abused me and beat me all night long.. What was my mistake?? After some days things went back to normal. I made 2 new friends. I dumped one of them when I found out that he was trying to bed my sister. I dumped the other one when he spread the story about my sister in the whole university. After that I lost trust in friendship and refrained from making any friends.

I tried hard to make my parents happy and took admission in BBA on my dads wish. I discontinued my ACCA. After 3 months, one day I got up for university as usual but I forgot my cell at home. When I was at university, Usman called me on my cell to tell me the news that he had finally managed to talk to that girl and she was interested in him... But curse my luck that my dad picked up his call. He recognized his number and he spoke to him in extremely rude language. My day wasn't over.

While I was returning back home, a rickshaw crashed into my car. My car was badly hit. I took it to workshop and it took them 5 hours to get it back in shape. By than my sisters were extremely late as I had to pick them up from school. So you can only imagine what happened. My dad cursed me and mum cried all day long. They told me that Usman had contacted me on my cell. They told me that they suspected that I was with Usman today and was meeting with a girl. I was shocked! After all I had done for them, they didn't trusted me one bit.

So, after 19 years. I had enough. I went away from home and went to a cousin's apartment. This happened yesterday and I'm still at my cousin's. Mum and dad don't know know where I'm. They are trying to contact me on my cell but I'm not picking up my cell. Please dear readers. Tell me whats my fault? Tell me what should I do? Because I might commit suicide. I am extremely dispirited and I dont want to live anymore. After all that I had done for them. They treated me like a piece of shit.

~ Lost Guy

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17 Responses »

  1. Firstly , u can't do anything to them coz they r your parents

    Secondly , if u commit suicide its wrong islamically and as u r the only male child of your parent ull leave them in the days which parents need most support of their children i.e. Old days

    Thirdly , well I say that u should talk clearly to your parents , I don't feel it is right to hit a young boy , tell them about ur needs and space

    Fourtly , it nothing new or ur not the only person who has been hit relating to studies , I was hit many times bcoz of studies by my mom n dad , but it stop when I graduate , now new chapter is that my career which I want to take it goes with verbal fued apart from that nothing

    Lastly , don't commit suicide coz ull spent ur entire akhirat in hell

  2. The solution wasn't to run away from your house and be hide in your cousin's apartment. You must talk to your parents and tell them all your feeling regardless this situation,all your feeling about this, as you wrote in your post. Also the suicide isn't the solution for your problem, and i think you don't think so either because if is like that you wouldn't stopped your "best friend" Usman to committed this insanity, so Why you are thinking to do that? this only going to make your family feel bad.

    I suggest for you, first talk to your parents in a mature way i think you are old enough and has the capacity to face your problems and be more aware of crashing the car a lot as you had done, maybe if you show them that you are being more mature they will gain trust on you. Second, pray to Allah and don't committed suicide, it's not the solution.

    May Allah guide you.

  3. You just need to talk to your parents your 19 years old not a child just be respectful and kind to them, it was wrong for your mother to hit you, and also you really need to pick your friends better your friend wanted to kill himself over his cousin and now you want to kill yourself because your parents dont understand you, this is beyond childish, and maybe you need to take more driving lessons before you hurt yourself or some one else, i think your mother hitting you has caused you alot of damage you need to forgive her and talk to her about her anger and where its coming from. insha'Allah i hope the best for you.

  4. Dear LostGuy, Walaykumsalaam,

    If your mother has been beating you as you say she has, this is wrong. But according to her way of thinking, she is doing what she thinks is right. I will never condone beating a child, but from what you have described to me, it seems your mother is frightened of you going down the wrong path, she thinks that the only way to shelter you from harm is to make sure you don't do anything 'wrong'. She does not know how to build trust through a loving relationship with you and so does the complete opposite, hence she feels the need to control you through being strict and through resorting to beatings. It is unnecessary and wrong behaviour on your mother's part - but perhaps this is the only method of discipline she knows.

    The main thing I believe you need to deal with is your confidence, your self esteem and your ability to judge between right and wrong, as although your mother clearly has many 'deep rooted' issues, you cannot change her or others. We must change ourselves and inshaAllah our new and better reaction to situations will force others around us to change towards us. Having a car or cell phone are not what you need to define your identity. My nephews are 17,16 and 8 and live in the UK, they have never owned a cell phone, nor had facebook/twitter etc accounts etc, and they have never asked to have those things, nor have they felt demeaned for not having them, they are confident with what they have and with what they don't have Alhumdulillah, MaashaAllah. The pearl that they do have is their loving, open, gentle and trusting relationship with both their parents, may Allah always protect and bless their family relations inshaAllah.

    And this is exaclty what is lacking in your life: Trust, Open Communication, Gentleness with your parents. But as I said, we cannot force others to change, and as you have come to age of understanding, inshaAllah you will learn to deal with this situation in a wiser manner - a manner that will bring about a wider change. So yes, you must protect yourself against being beaten. When you were a child, you may not have been able to physically protect yourself. But now, you are a young adult. You can physically move away from your mother if she tries to beat you. And just as importantly, you can 'speak', you have a voice. Tell your mother and father exactly how she/they are making you feel. Only you know how desperate you were feeling when you decided to leave home and maybe you needed that break. But let your parents know where you are, as they will be worried sick - it will be very wrong of you to keep this from them.

    InshaAllah you have had time to calm down somewhat and maybe now you are in a better position to negotiate or communicate with your parents. This is your chance to speak to them and to demand a change. Strange as it sounds, sometimes parents do not realise the harm they cause to their children through being overly strict and they need to be made aware. By saying this, I am by no means encouraging you to be rude to them - not at all. I am hoping that you will be sensible to use this opportunity to 'speak wisely'. Communicate something like this to them:

    'Mum/Dad, I am sorry for leaving home, I know you must have been worried, but I do not know how else to get through to you. I cannot tolerate the beatings and shouting anymore. If you have a problem with me, I want you to talk to me. But, anytime, something goes 'apparently wrong', you resort to violence: over my car, my friends, over my being late. If I crash my car - then remind me that I need to be more careful. If I am trying to help my friend, and he makes what you think are mistakes, then guide me along the way. If I am late in coming home, then hear me out, give me a chance to explain and trust me. I want to come home, but I will not allow myself to be treated like this anymore. It has to stop. I need to be respected by you both.'

    Ultimately Bro, it is your choice. It may feel easier to give up and run away - but its not the best solution, its not best for your Hereafter. Despite our feelings towards our parents, despite all the mistakes they make, we can't give up on them. There is a bond with them that cannot be broken and that is one of the womb - Allah talks about our relationship with our parents in many places in the Quran, and so imporant is their status, that He(swt) mentions them immediately after Himself(swt). Your situation, difficult as it is for you, is not beyond repair. I believe that you do have the ability to improve matters at home - through your God given ability to Communicate.


    The reason why I attached an image above about the story of Taif, is because this is one situation where our beloved Rasool(sws) had to exert so much patience. All he(sws) did was take the Message of Allah to Taif, but the residents of that place beat him physically and verbally and he(sws) came away drenched in his own tears and blood. He had been oppressed severely and we know through a hadith that the one who has been oppressed becomes more closer to Allah and his dua has more chance of being fulfilled. And our Rasool(sws) was in this broken state, and due to this, he(sws) was in that elevated position in which he could have supplicated against the people of Taif and Allah would have sent an Angel to crush them between the two mountains surrounding them. But no, our beloved Rasool(sws) didn't do this. Instead he supplicated 'for' them, asking Allah to grant them with pious believing offspring - SubhaanAllah. And today, the city of Taif is thriving with pious believing Muslims, descendants of those very people upon whom Rasool(sws) showed mercy, not anger. Reading this story always makes me want to cry.

    Brother - my point is: we will all be paid for what the wrong we are doing to others. If your parents have wronged you, they will be held accountable for that. But you on your part must do the right thing too. Allah is testing you, He(swt) wants to see how you react to this difficult situation. Do you give up and abandon your parents? Or will you strive to improve your relations with them? The people in Taif were not the parents of Rasool(sws), they were not even his blood relative, they were just random people - but he(sws) showed them so much mercy. So what then for our 'Parents'?

    My dear little brother, you will find the strength to stand up and deal with your parents with firmness but love too, but you must also meet them half way. If you are crashing your car so many times, then stop and think - perhaps as Zenaa suggested, you need more driving lessons. If I kept crashing my car as you said you have done, I am very sure my mother would be extremely worried and would not be happy for me to continue driving without me doing something to improve my ability to drive. But no, it does not justify 'shouting and crying' on your parents behalf.

    So brother, try to think with a clear mind and learn to decipher between right and wrong. Suicide is not the answer to your problems. Communication is - and you can do it.

    SisterZ Editor

  5. Asalamualaikum brother,
    I feel ur pain. Im 19 and I am in a similar situation. Though my doesnt beat me but she doesnt understand me, I feel quite lonely too. Im having lots of problems but I cant cry to my mother.

    But we are not alone, allah loves us, allah understands us, allah is there to listen to us. Firstly brother, I would say that u should not in any circumstane suicide. I too feel suicide, but we have to be strong. We have been through hard times, why make the rest of our lives even harder. Suicide is never forgiven, it is sheirk. Just a second in hell is hard, im sure u wouldnt want to live ur whole life in hell. U made alot of sacrifices for ur parents dont let that go to waste by committing suicide and entering hell forever.

    Secondly, I know it will seem hard, but go back to ur parents and say sorry to them for going away. Politely explain how u feel. And live an islamic life, u will so much at peace and u will get so much. Be steadfast on in islam. Wheather ur mom is happy with u or not, but allah will be happy. And try to please ur parents, but if they dont understand it, then it least u know u try.

    May allah ease ur difficulties

  6. I know how difficult it will be for u to go back. How about u go back to them, and after some time say that u have found a university or a job ( in another city, or somewhere that is far enough so that u will then live away from ur parents). That way, u will be able to please ur parents by having a good career, and send them money as much as u can, and visit them for a day or two in a month. Then they will be happy and u too will be able to get what u want. May be if u try to explain ur situation again and say how much sacrifices u have made because u respect them and love them they may change their behaviour. If not, then rather than trying again to make them understand u, find a job or course in another place. Im sure they will let u go there, but dont say to them that u are going there because of them, that will then upset them

    Again, I would strongly suggest that u live an islamic lifestyle say duas etc that will help u in ur hard times and will prevent u from any further harms. Ur life will become so much better, and u will find so much peace and inner happiness.

    I will pray for u, please pray for me too, that I too get a bright and a happy future.

  7. This is the devils oldest trick it works on several levels

    1 makes you hate and resent your family for their reactions to you,
    2. It hurts your parents, because they see it all as betrayal and failure on their part as good parents, they work hard all their lives to give you a lifestyle that will enable you to thrive to become successful.
    3. your sisters will see this as a breakdown of the family and start looking for comfort elsewhere, and like you said one guy already tried to bed your sister.

    Can you see the end result? a complete breakdown of the family structure, you DIE your sisters belong to the college/uni boys.

    Tell your mother to read 3 kuls every time she feels anger or gets suspicious of you, this will get rid of the devils whispers. Tell her read the Shifa Dua by placing the right hand on her forehead, you do the same.

    All you are doing with the above is asking Allah for relief and for refuge. When it works, your mother will be calmer, and more loving towards you, but you, then need to maintain self control, your parents are sensitive to you will need to remain on best behavior.

    **IMPORTANT: Talk to your mother, engage with her daily, so she learns to understand you are an intelligent man now, teach her what your learning and when she realises your now an intellectual you will get her prayers, not beats.

    You need to get rid of the devil whispering in your ears causing your family to break apart.

    AND...start reading about the devil and his tricks, you need it since you are a victim.IF you don't, your whole family will be a victim.

    This has happened to many before you, you are not the first. take my advice and that of others. Come back with more questions if you have any.

    • Shifa Dua for you and your mother.

      Putting your hand on the person’s forehead and recite: “Allahumma Rabban-Nass, Adh-hibil-Ba’ss Washfi Anta-Shaafi La shifa’an illa shifa’uk Shifa’an La Ughadiru Saqaman” (Bukhari)

      "O Lord of the people, remove this pain and cure it, You are the one who cures and there is no one besides You who can cure, grant such a cure that no illness remains".

      Don't forget the Kuls, IF you are too hurt or in emotional pain and cant find the will to recite it all, just Say Allahuakbar and then start reciting the Kuls. If you instantly feel better, you know the devil was whispering in your ears making you suffer.

  8. You know brother I am in a similair situation I try every thign to please my mum but as soon as I want to meet with a friend she tortures me mentally I really had enough of my self any ways for you stay away from home for a couple of days more then try to talk to a elderly in your family an uncle or some one your parents can listen to then go home with him or her tell them all your feelings how you feel & tell them if they don't stop you might walk away as it is too much for you to take & tel your mother to stop beating her self or you lets us know what happens reason why i said take a elder person with you then they will take you seriously

    • Yes, please take someone older with you and they must be someone you and your parents both trust to give good sound islamic advice using the Qur'an and sunnah. And please take driving lessons. I believe your parents do not understand that they are oppressing you and Allah forbids oppression. Allah help you and all of us. Ameen

  9. brother, you're right, your dear mother may be an expert at abuse

    but if i was going to give you one simple advice, it is to rectify your relationship with Allaah, and he will rectify your relationship with all those around you.

  10. Lost Guy,

    My advice...stay at your cousins for a day or two. Call your parents and let them know that you are safe and no harm has come to you. Tell them you want to talk with them and you want them to listen. Everything that you have mentioned in your post here on this website, you need to tell your parents. Tell them that you love them more than words could ever express but you can not handle the physical nor emotional abuse any longer. Let them know how it is breaking you spiritually and it can and will have lifelong repercussions.

    Be very clear...especially with your mother. Let her know that you love her and are grateful for everything she and your father have ever done for you. Let her know that you will no longer tolerate her abusing you...physically or emotionally. Let her know you simply cannot take it any more. Let her know that if you come home and the abuse continues, you will have no alternative but to leave home for the sake of your health and well being.


  11. Brother,

    You are very strong. You should go back but you should also read up on how to guide your parents to change their parenting technique. You do this by changing yourself, i.e. you sholud know how to discilpne children. Dont try to change them just gain the knowledge. They will change when they will see a behaviour change in you. Your family lacks in emtional communication. If you google it and learn about it. You will benefit your kids infuture. You dont want them to feel the way you are feeling ever. You made it through since you were a kid now just try a bit more you can do it.

  12. Here is a website you can try

    Be patient and dont try to be abusive with your parents. Things will change, they already have your parents know that you will run away if things dont change. Now you have to help them change things to make your family a happy family Inshallah

  13. It's not your fault, they are horrible, if they wanted the best for you they wouldn't treat you the way they did, it's about time for you to leave them, I wish you all the best and hope your happy in the coming years

  14. Just dont go home at the same condition roght trying to leave the house...n plz you try not to go back..therez nothing good left for you..Allah knows your intention...just listen to me..dont go back!

  15. Wow. I really need to talk to your parents. Your parents need to go for therapy or parenting session before they even lie their hands on you. I don't want you to get to hurt anymore. This is more severe than what I have experience with my family. You have every right to leave your family alone, whether it be abuse. It's only the consequences you have to deal with. I really hate to see you in this state.
    I have a few suggestions:
    (1). Have support that accessible to you. Always have someone to look after you so that you are not lonely and he/she will be by your side.
    (2). If your parents continue to abuse you even though you have done nothing wrong. Best to let the court handle this situation. Your parents could be charged or even serve some jail time for mistreatment, idk I don't study law but your parents will pay for their wrongdoing.
    (3). Don't have contact with your parents anymore. You cannot afford to have a good moment with them, especially after a long time they might beat you to death for abandoning them.
    (4). Don't get famous. It's way too vulnerable because your parents might be able to find yoi and you will be targeted, best is to stay silent, don't have that much communication with people or else your parents can find out from their conversations.

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