Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents don’t want me to get married

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

Assalam O Alikum,
I am a practising muslimah who has adopted hijab some years back against my family's will. Even after so many years I still face sometimes taunting comments from my family members about hijab wearing, modest loose clothing, no beauty parlour fashions. I don't have any "single" family member who supports me in my decisions, who backs me. Instead everyone is mostly discouraging me in hijab wearing, not listening songs,watching movies etc. Saying I won't get good proposals due to my 'ISLAMIC LOOK'. Because of this I sometimes feel so lonely and cry for days...not because of fear that I won't get good proposals but because there's no one to back me. No one to appreciate me,no one to ever stop those taunting comments and wipe my tears. When I started hijab I thought all this reaction is temporary and would be fine in some years but now its been many years and still nothing's changed. My parents are veryyyyy veryyyy much caring they pamper me more than needed, but even they never back me emotionally.

If I ever try to talk to my mother about my issues, she never understands me, instead discusses my views with other family members and laugh. So I don't share now.

Now that I'm 22 years old and about to finish my professional engineering studies from a well renowned engineering university. My parents received 2 proposals during past year, but they rejected saying they want me to study.

Whenever someone talks to them about me getting married or bringing a proposal, they straightforward refuse saying they want me to study further and not get married yet.

On the other hand I do not agree with them, I do want to get married since I strongly believe that marriage should be done as soon as possible. I don't want to be indulged in any haram relationship. Secondly, the lack of emotional support on my way to hijab & islam from my parents/family always makes me feel lonely. I live alone without any siblings in home. Due to my emotional instability, I even once did something which I should have not done. I've regretted and sought Allah's forgiveness on that. But I don't want to do that again. I sometimes feel so tired discouraged and hopeless and think of leaving "this" path (nauzbillah) and be like what my family wants to be like. Taking off hijab, being all that glamorous fancy girl,listen songs,watch movies,dance etc So that at least I get happiness & my near ones would start liking me.

But then I give up the idea.

I can't talk to my parents about my wish of getting married because just like they don't understand my other Islamic views they will don't understand this as well.
I know I won't be able to concentrate on my further higher studies because of my these problems.

I always seek Allah for help & making me strong. But I can't understand what should I do. Am I doing all this wrong? Should I not get married and just continue studies? And keep bearing all the taunts...

Please help me.

immuslim

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21 Responses »

  1. Salam
    Honesty I wish there were more girls like you it is very hard now a days to find people who abstain from showing off adornments and music etc.which are prophet predicted would become prevalent near the end of days, or brave people who follow true guidance despite that the people dislike it. While you think this problem is unique to you, true believers have been tested since the time of early muslims and will continue to the last hour. Read the stories on the life of the prophet peace and blessings be upon him and read about prophet abraham how he dealt with his father and read the stories of the early poius women and their strength and courage. Marry someone as religious as yourself and inshala you will be the rolemodels of our ummah.

    • This is the same thing happening with me , we can't do zina nor can we indulge in friendship . They just want us to get clustered at home. How can we put in this kind of environment , I've been wearing a naqaab and hijab almost 6months now. But girls having boyfriend and boys who've done all sort of this stuff are got married. But when you're on Deen delaying your marriage is allowed . That's why Muslim parents suck , they dnt know when they need to follow their religion

  2. Dear sister, you are still young. Perhaps you want marriage "right now" as opposed to being patient and waiting for life to unfold. We all want things right away. The more we want a certain event or course of action, the more urgently we want it to materialize. But life does not work that way. There is no reason why you can't continue your studies, and get married! You just may not get married at age 22 or 23, which is what YOU want.

    I think your concerns about your parents are valid. Why don't you wait until you graduate, then see if their attitude changes. If they don't want you to get married then take matters into your own hands and find someone yourself. Set the stage now, by expanding your social circle and social activities. Also, you may meet a nice man at work.

    Keep an open mind and theres nothing wrong with having a "plan B".

  3. Sister jazakallah, congracts to be in right path and good muslima, being a girl its difficult for you to manage in that environment, pray allah to give you strength and hope for good in future, and pray also to make your parents listen to you, try to convince them in good way, never give up, if you like to study more, continue your studies, if you want to marry marry with muslim guy only who will help you to be in path of allah, do namaz always and seek help only from him, try to be with practising muslim women who will guide you. Read quraan, Hadiths, and islamic books. Allah knows best.

  4. Dear sister,
    You had choose the correct path to go ahead with your life. Dont break or think about the rejections and the isolation you get in you family. May Allah forgive them. U continue your practise as Allah will show you the right guy and then no one can stop once Allah has decided the rightful guy to you. Remember one thing Allah will always be there for you no matter whoever isnt with you. It is difficult to see a girl who would want to be like this (islamic) (not listen to music and watch TV) wear hijab and cover ur modesty...
    mashallah Allah has given u the correct path. Please go ahead with it. Pray to Allah and make dua as much as u can. Because he will definitely answer ur duas....
    May Allah bless u sister...

    • AbduIt is difficult to see a girl who would want to be like this (islamic) (not listen to music and watch TV) wear hijab and cover ur modesty...r Rehman:

      Are you saying watching TV and listening to music is not Islamic? Does this apply to both sexes? Do you think using INTERNET is Islamic?

  5. MasAllah I wish I was like you. You seem really confidant and your head is so screwed on. In my day none of this existed and the way you think I also very much agree with you. Me being 32 and you 22 YOU have chances to grab your happiness. Ignore the rest speak to your parents only they will understand you the sooner you have this conversation of ISLAMIC life you want they soon will realise their duty they need to do for you inshAllah. Also pray as much as you can never give up the duties you need to do for Allah.

    I wish you all the best.

    • Don't wish you were like me.
      Pray that we both be like the pious women of islam. 🙂
      Coz honestly I'm a v.bad person.
      Ameen.

  6. as salam o alaykum

    I saw my past in this post.I also went against my family and change my ways.I started wearing hijab and stopped listening to music,watching tv,taking pictures etc.Rest of the story is same like yours.I was desperate to get married because there was no fun in my life.I was all alone.I had no emotional support from anyone.I wanted a soul mate.
    Now after three years of marriage,I would advise you to be patient.Please complete your studies first.Don't listen to your heart.Listen to your mind.Your education is much more important because this time will not be back in your life.Wait for completion of graduation then you can get married insha Allah.You will be secure then.Men are not like us.You will come to know the realities of life after few years.I don't want another girl to do what i did with myself.
    Allah will give you the reward for your patience and steadfastness on deen.Don't listen to whispers of shaitan.Stay away from all kinds of sins and pray for a pious life partner.please don't just look for deen while taking decision about marriage.Look for other things as well.We all are weak in our iman.Its just the mask of deendari which we put on ourselves.If there was a way to exchange private details I would have added you as a friend because i really want to support you emotionally.I do not want you to ruin your life.Whenever you feel depressed go and see a therapist.Don't let yourself get into the darkness of depression and hopelessness.

    • confus3d: I saw my past in this post.I also went against my family and change my ways.I started wearing hijab and stopped listening to music,watching tv,taking pictures etc

      Are you lot happier in your life because of the changes you made? Is your husband very happy to have married a pious Muslimah?

      • Going against the society does not bring happiness in life most of the times.
        But I am happy that I will be rewarded for this in akhirah Insha Allah.
        I took a wrong decision about marriage just because I was desperate to get married and I was repeatedly told by my family that I am not going to have good proposals because we were not surrounded by such people.I do not want her to do this.Thats why I advise her to be patient and wait until graduation.

    • To confuse3d,

      You wrote, "please don't just look for deen while taking decision about marriage.Look for other things as well."

      I am glad some pious muslimah points out and share from her heart that the importance of the BALANCE: DEEN and as well as characters - other thing. Sometimes, pious muslim will think "deen" is the only parameter to choose a partner and Allah will bless afterall. Remember, lots of people do pretend or hide or even the pious muslim may not be compatible with one another. Just be patient and allow lots of time to understand your partner.

      I pray that your marriage may and will bring your peace and happiness too, inshallah.

    • Salam sister 🙂
      JazakAllah kheir for such kind words and empathy 🙂
      But perhaps you haven't perceived my message correctly, or may be my way of expressing was not accurate.
      My graduation is done Alhamdulillah.
      I'm not the kind of girl who makes male friends or hangouts with them I myself neverrrrrrrrrrrrr ever wanted to cross my limits and marry against the will of my parents. I want ,in fact, that they choose someone for me. Cz they know me the best. If not get me married or its not the right time then AT LEAST!! ATLEAST support me emotionally, the LEAST I want from them, from my siblings, from my family.

      No one in family respects me..treat me with double standards, the same act..if I do it I get scolded laughed mocked and never appreciated.. And the Same act if other family member does that they get so much appreciation as if they conquered K2. I speak to my mother about such double standards..she instead says that I'm wrong..recently 2 days back this happened.. In my agitation I even fought with my mother for such a double standard (astaghfirullah) then I have been crying since 3 days in front of her but she's least bothered! I don't know I just can't explain I wrote this piece last night:-

      Some people are born and meant to be mocked, laughed upon, hated and not cared for.
      No matter what, how hard they try, how successful they become..no formula works for them. Because they're born to be mocked, hated and alone forever. No one to understand, wipe the tears, hug and say hey! I understand, its gonna be okay. Not mom, not dad, not siblings..and not friends.

      And you're one of them. No matter how hard you've been trying to prove yourself, to show the world that you matter, fighting alone all your years, it won't work it just won't. And you know what now I'm tired..I know its bad..but now I just feel like giving up.....I've trying hard but in vain..and now I'm believing that miracles do happen..but not always.. Not always...I was born for this, and I'll have to take this for the rest of my life.
      I quit trying...I QUIT

  7. OP: Instead everyone is mostly discouraging me in hijab wearing, not listening songs,watching movies etc. Saying I won't get good proposals due to my 'ISLAMIC LOOK'. Because of this I sometimes feel so lonely and cry for days.

    After becoming very religious, you still feel very lonely and cry for days....... If you truly believe you are doing some thing good you should not be bothered by what others think.

    You mentioned "emotional instability" made you do some thing. It is important you get some help for your emotional problem(s).

    Your parents pamper you. I think your parents did not like the proposals and used your education as an excuse to reject proposal. I am sure your parents want the best for you. They are not out to punish you for wearing hijab

    HOW HAS YOUR LIFE CHANGED AFTER YOU CHANGED TO ISLAMIC LOOK? HOW YOU FEEL INSIDE YOUR MIND AND BODY.

  8. Salam Sister,

    One thing made me worry about your decision of hurrying to get marry is you seem to use marriage as a solution or an escape to your real problem/issue. A hastily decision of choosing a partner will bring you a great regret. Your desperation may blind you or limit your choice of choosing a good and compatible partner.

    Also, you wrote: " Due to my emotional instability, I even once did something which I should have not done. I've regretted and sought Allah's forgiveness on that. But I don't want to do that again. " THIS WORRIES ME SO MUCH. Are you stable now? Are you healthy enough to proceed to marry? Did you go to a counselor or go through some healing sessions?

    Marriage is a huge responsibility and commitment, your parents may know that you are not ready emotionally. I understand your physiological needs but a bad marriage can cause much harm in your life. Read the post in this website about marriage, you may have a glimpse of reality. Be patient and pray to Allah for a good partner.

    Regarding your parents attitude, this is the first time I heard that a muslim parents push their child to not getting closer to Allah. After you adopt hijab, did you behave normally or instead isolate yourself from others? I know some parents worry about the sudden and drastic change of their children in practising Islam. I am not sure if this is the case for your parents. Keep the communication going between you and your parents, the more they understand how you feel, the more they will listen and respect your decision.

    It is important to finish your study. I may go even further to advise you to get a job and be financially independent. It's better to prepare for the future. Try to make some like minded friends in your masjid or muslim students society . It may help to ease your loneliness. Be patient. Inshallah.

  9. JazakAllah kheir to all of you and the Admins for giving such a good response. I'm encouraged may Allah show me & all else the right path, Ameen. 🙂

  10. salam alikum may allah guide your parents and make it easy for you and know that this life is made to test and distinguish between people. and Allah doesn't test a slave of him except that he gave him the ability to go through that path.

    things you must believe; and do

    1- even though they are your parent teach them that sometimes they can be wrong through situation that are not islamic. then after you do that tell them this is the right way to happiness in this life and hereafter i.e. Islam and what they are doing is from shaitan. However still consider they are your parents and worship Allah through bieng kind to them.

    2- know even though everyone is against you that Allah is with you. Therefore always put your love, trust, obedience All to Allah and say this dua when a calamity would occur or fitna happens : Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that:The Messenger of Allah (ï·º) said, "Let not one of you wish for death because of a misfortune which befalls him. If he cannot help doing so, he should say: 'O Allah, keep me alive as long as You know that life is better for me, and make me die when death is better for me".[Al- Bukhari and Muslim].

    3- If you believe that you would sin then scholars said its wajib i.e. obligatory to get married and you can double check on that fatwa so it become an obligation because you its becomes part of saving yourself and your deen. so I suggest for you to create an account to get married in this site: smatch.net, and also call a righteous sister that is married to imam or sheik and tell her about your situation so that her husband would find you a good brother. keep making duaa and try as much as you can with your parents if they don't agree ask a scholar about your situation what is his advice to you a good scholar like Saleh Al-Fawzan.

    4- most important thing before you get married or you do any step in life pray salaat istikara.

    - A reminder to you: the most important characteristic to have is taqwa
    http://sunnah.com/search/?q=تقوى+
    http://quran.com/search?q=تقوى+

    - keep me in your dua too I have similar situation

  11. you see all people are different from each other everyone has his own opinion of what is right according to their perspective and people who delay marriage because of responsibility obviously are right to some extent and you know yourself better. however most of them lack the understanding that a women in islam is not obliged to provide its the man. moreover they lack to understand the day of judgement and how serious it is and most people are the product of their enviornment i.e. dunya. So those people are asking you to wait for marriage until you graduate because they obviously are going the wrong path. so if people tell you of that nonsense ignore them because they won't understand you instead make thikr. because lets say someone goes swimming the whole day while he is fasting and then you bring him at the end of the day two sandwiches one that is halal but you don't allow him to eat it but the other one is haram and society, shaitan, and nafs encourage advertise it obvousily you will eat it.

    and the people who still don't understand you then automatically understand that they won't there hearts have a barrier from understanding this life and hereafter they are Deaf, dumb and blind from understanding you... and only allah knows your situation so make dua do your part and pray istikara and put your trust in allah with all your decision i.e. make tawakul

  12. My sister, I'm happy to read that you're doing what YOU think is right.
    I just wanted to say, Islam is a way of life. It preaches modesty and Happiness!.I'm glad to read that you wear a hijab. But that does not, in away way mean that you should feel any different form any of your family members. Why do you have a mental block that just cause you wear a piece of cloth over your head you don't deserve the right to be happy? Listen to songs if you want, watch movies if you want and dance if you want.. Don't you remember when our beloved and respected Prophet PBUH entered madinah, they were welcomed with 'moseeki' - music and dance... (Obviously of a modest nature). This is just an expression of joy. If you think a little music will make you happy, go ahead, listen to it 🙂
    Please don't feel at you're caught in shackles. You're not! I pray Allah grants you happiness but honey first you need to feel happy yourself. Getting married won't solve your problem. Its not an escape. If you aren't okay with the people around you ( parents, immediate family) how can you think that you can get married and just run away from all this? How can you even think that you won't have these problems after marriage?
    Figure this out yoursel . Talk to someone if you may to get better guidance in an Islamic point of view . But my advice is, you do not need to get married to someone to just run away from this. You don't need to bring all the baggage to your marriage.
    And please. They're your parents, try talking to them again. I'm sure they see it on your face that you're unhappy.
    good luck

    -R. 🙂

  13. Dear Sister,

    I cannot offer you counsel but I can empathize. My mother also discourages me from what she terms as "extremism." She grew up in a communist family and to her, fulfilling the basic tenets of Islam appear extremist. It is an inability to see beyond your own circumstances and the lack of inward reflection about who she is and why she has the views that she has. It is a thing that we all suffer from to an extent. My solution has been to be fulfill my duty toward her, focus on her good traits when anger arises and repeating to myself that Allah SWT is the one I love the most. This helps me to remain dutiful, courteous and affectionate toward her and expecting the rewards only from Allah. I suppose you can call it a sort of emotional detachment while maintaining the integrity of the family. Allah knows best and may He bless you with courage and peace. Inshallah.

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