Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents have forced me to give up my baby

I'll keep this brief.

I'm an 18 year old girl and basically made the  mistake of getting myself pregnant with my boyfriend. I didnt realise I was pregnant till around 5 months. I had to tell my parents and at this point my parents were going to take me abroad to have an abortion. On the night before the trip, I ran away from home and stayed in hostels for 2 months with my boyfriend.

Eventually I returned home and carried out the rest of my pregnancy locked upstairs in my bedroom, so no outside family members would see me pregnant. During this time I did a Nikah with my boyfriend as I was told it was big gunah to give birth without being married.

On the night I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, my parents took her away and placed her into social care. They didn't even let me set eyes upon her. It's now been 5 months and I've never laid eyes on my baby yet. I've seen pictures of her through my boyfriend but I don't know what to do. I think about my baby every single day and don't think I can keep up the act that everything's normal, like my parents are doing.

My boyfriend is an illegal immigrant and has no family here, no means of income, or permanent address. He is far from reliable as  a carer/husband. He's even messed around with my 'friend' while we were together.

I have two options- I can leave home and live my life with my baby and boyfriend, or I'll have to live the rest of my life pretending my baby never happened and do what my parents want.

Any advice please. What does Islam say about this situation? Allah has created a new Muslim baby. Discarding a life over the 'honour'/baysthi of my family is surely not right?


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaams Sister,

    At the end of the day, you made a terrible mistake but don't make yet another one. You have to live with the consequences and be with your child. She needs you and you need her. Do what you can and get your child back. Otherwise, this will torment you.
    Your parents had no rights in taking your child away. The only thing they should have done is declared whether or not they would support you.
    It's up to you what to do with regards to your husband. You say he is uncaring and that he 'messed' around with your 'friend'. Did he admit he 'messed' around? Also you say he has pictures of your child, so wouldn't that suggest he at least has some compassion to follow up your childs progress?
    In any case, you can do this alone. It will just be harder, though not impossible. But if you do nothing then that would be worse.

    Regards

    Hopeful

  2. Salaam My Sister,

    This is a horrific thing that your parents have done, horrific.

    I need to know from you: are you in England? and if so, where is your child in care / fostered / adopted? Which one is it, because they all have different laws regulating how to go about it. You have said that your husband has access to them, I need to know how he is accessing her.

    If you give me all of these details I can advise you on how to move forward, get housing, get your child and get on with your life inshaAllah.

    I await your response.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  3. Brother Wael thank you for correcting the boyfriend to husband. I hope it helped our sister. Inshallah

  4. Dear sister "Anonymous", your parents had absolutely no right to take your baby away without consulting you.

    I honestly don't know what to tell you in this situation, and I hope one of my co-editors can help. I would like to say to you,

    "Go and get your baby back if possible. You are her mother, and she is your daughter. You belong together. Don't let your parents or anyone else stop you from raising this child that is the flesh of your flesh. If you don't have the courage to stand up for your own rights, then stand up for your daughter! Don't let her be raised in the misery of a group home, or given away to a non-Muslim family to be raised without knowledge of Allah and her roots."

    But then there is the question, where will you live? To live with the boyfriend is out of the question. As brother Ali M. stated, your so-called boyfriend has shown himself to be a boy of poor character. Forget about him.

    If your parents will allow you to remain with them and raise your baby, that would be best.

    But if your parents kick you out, where will you go? Do you have relatives or friends you could stay with? Is there a women's home you could stay in until you are able to support yourself?

    I think I agree with brother Ali M. that the best solution might be to get your baby back, and seek a kind-hearted religious brother who would take you as a wife. I don't mean to be cynical, but I'm just being realistic when I say that there could be some brothers in their 20's or even 30's who would like to marry a pretty young girl, and would accept your child as well. In return you would get support and a home environment. The important thing is that you find someone kind and loving.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Sorry sister Anonymous, I read your post again and I realized that the "boyfriend" is not just your ex-boyfriend but your husband. You actually married him.

      Still, it doesn't change my answer much. As you have said, he is unreliable and untrustworthy. But you cannot just forget about him as I counseled. If you don't want to be with him then you need to seek a divorce.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Praise be to Allaah.

    The basic principle is that it is not permissible to abort a woman’s pregnancy at any stage except for a legitimate shar’i reason. If the pregnancy is still a nutfah (drop), i.e., forty days or less, and if aborting it will serve a shar’i interest or ward off some harm that may affect the mother, it is permissible to abort it in this case. That does not include fears of hardship incurred by raising children or not being able to pay their expenses or to educate them, or being content with a certain number of children, or other excuses that are not acceptable according to sharee’ah.

    But if the pregnancy has lasted for more than forty days, it is haraam to abort it, because after forty days it becomes an ‘alaqah (clot) which is the beginning of a person. It is not permissible to abort it after it reaches this stage, unless a trustworthy council of doctors agrees that continuing the pregnancy poses a threat to the life of the mother, and there is the fear that she may die if the pregnancy continues.

    Undoubtedly having boyfriends and girlfriends is a major sin. Intercourse and touching are only permissible for husbands and wives, or for a man with his female slave (concubine). It is haraam for you to have a boyfriend, and it is haraam for both of you to shake hands or to be alone together, let alone hugging, kissing and touching.

    I'm not a scholar or imam but i would suggest that you try to get your baby back, leave your boyfriend for he is not committed to you because he has messed with your friends like you've stated, and look for a RELIGIOUS Muslim brother to marry and go on in life. If i didn't answer any of your deep concerns I apologize. Also you could write your question in a paper and give it to a child in masjid. Tell him or her to give it to an Imam. Inshallah everything will go well and he should answer your question. Do this in Halaqah(Islamic social gathering )

    I'm sorry if i offended you by saying something inappropriate.

    Allah the most high knows Best

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