Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents have a problem with caste difference

Ants have castes (show here are a male, queen and worker). Human beings should not have castes!

Ants have castes (show here are a male, queen and worker). Human beings should not have castes!

Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

I need help regarding a matter of marriage to a woman, but the refusal of my parents are still strong. We've been speaking with the permission of both our parents but my parents who are quite cultural have a problem with the fact that she's from a different caste, we are both Pakistani. I've told them that the caste system is irrelevant and that they shouldn't delay marriage for the sake of studying, because we can have a simple Nikah and continue our studies. This sister for me has all the aspects which should be looked at when considering marriage in a spouse, and the main one is religion. We feel as if we as a family and together bring ourselves closer to Allah (SWT).

The youth of today are different to the days of our parents, I've seen people go astray because their parents didn't support them in marriage, or didn't arrange for them to get married. I know people end up being put into a position where they started drinking, clubbing smoking etc. when marriage would restrain us from that as there's more fitna than ever in this Dunya. I want to be able to complete half of my Deen with the woman I have spent the last 2 years to get to know with the permissibility from both families, but now mine are holding me back granting refusal without a justifiable Islamic reason. I don't want to let her side down because my parents can't let go of cultural talks, we've done so much Dua, done Istikhura and had positive feelings afterwards, i'm 21 and she is 20 but when has marriage ever had an age limit. I feel like nowadays parents tend to listen to their children less and make Haraam easy and Halal hard. Any advice would be appreciated, I want to be able to tell my parents a reason without sounding like i'm speaking against them, just feel like they're playing with my future because of minor differences in subjects that shouldn't matter

Jazak'Allah Khayr for listening and helping, May Allah (SWT) reward you, In Shaa Allah.



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7 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Yes, some parents make choosing haram easy over choosing halal. But remember our Prophet Ibrahim AS--his father wanted him to worship idols like him--talk about choosing the wrong thing--Prophet Ibrahim AS's father wanted him to choose shirk...but as we know, Prophet Ibrahim AS chose to be thrown into a fire pit over associating another with Allah swt and he did so with so much love in speech for his father. May Allah swt grant us the patience in our character and the grace in our words in dealing with those who make our lives so difficult in choosing halal....

    I suggest that you go ahead and marry this girl and always speak with gentleness to your parents even though you disagree with them and they are wrong in believing the caste system. The caste system is a non-Muslim system that they are upholding and they will be asked about this--guide them, as this is your chance. Even though it hurts you, put your love for them and the right guidance for them above saving face with them. It is better that you give them the whole story and give them a chance to think and change themselves (through love and respect) RATHER than let them continue thinking that their mindset is correct--sometimes guidance comes from children, and that is alright.

    May Allah swt ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  2. OP: I want to be able to complete half of my Deen with the woman I have spent the last 2 years to get to know with the permissibility from both families, but now mine are holding me back granting refusal without a justifiable Islamic reason.

    Your parents allowed you to spend 2 years to get to know a girl, but are against you marrying that girl.

  3. Dear Brother,

    All I can tell you, is to reason with your father. And while talking to him, smile.

    In the conversation with your father, you can mention to him. That we all strive to follow in the footsteps of our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (SAW).

    [It's better you read and study about the Marriages of our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (SAW) yourself to have a better understanding, and what points to raise in front of your family]

    Once you read up on that topic, you will automatically understand. Such things as caste, age, even religion (As long as it is one of the three Abrahamic-Monotheistic religions) looks, beauty, wealth and many other factors, these things do not matter. And they should not matter.

    Approach your parents with reason, and talk with kindness and with a smile.
    Be patient, in time I am sure your parents will come around. Your parents love you and want the best for you. And when they will see what is really best for you, and how much happiness there is there for everyone. I am pretty sure, they will definitely come around.


  4. Salam alaikoum dear brother,

    I was your age, when I wanted to marry the girl I loved (and still love) so much. But her parents didnt accept me because i was not an arab ( I am from turkey).

    I thought to myself, well you know what, dont disrespect her and her parents. I also didnt want to ruin the serenity in their home. So after a couple months I saw myself predestined not having the choice to marry her.
    I tolerated their decision and tried to move on.
    1-2 years later i came to know that she was going to marry another man. And you know what... it happened.
    Since then I am a broken man. I barely can continue my studies and had to change to an university of lower level due to my depression.

    And you know what. I repent it. I repent not having fought for her. I actually ruined my life by tolerating the decision of her parents.

    Why do I tell you this story? No matter what, fight for her. Dont make the same mistake I did. I can guarantee you, that when that girl has a place in your heart and you wont fight for her, it will definitely break you.

    I am also very angry at those type of parents. As you said, it s like they want to force you to take the haram path. What kind of dschuhaal parents do we have nowadays??? Dont they see, what is going on in this hypersexual society? Why cant they support their children to marry the person (religious with good character oc) they love??? subhanALLAH! I am on the edge to lose my deen because of this. I dont have any respect for those kind of parents anymore. May Allah guide us. Amin.

    You have to choose: do you want to become man with sereneity, or do you want become a broken man, who does not want to live anymore.

    It´s up to you.

    But please take my advise into consideration. I dont want you to make the same mistake I did.

    Your brother in Islam

  5. As-salaam-o-alekum!

    Dear brother,

    In your case, your parents knew that and yet they are refusing. You should reason with them that if they were not ready for this relationship to turn into marriage someday, then why did they allow it in the first place? They allowed a haram act in the first place, which they could have turned into halal by getting you both married and now they are doing another haram act by not allowing this marriage to take place.

    You can read many Quranic verses and Prophetic (PBUH) sayings online that will support your stand, insha Allah

    May Allah does the best for you both. Aameen!

  6. Assalamoalaikum,
    I want to ask you that boy and girl both are muslims but tgheir castes are different.
    Boy is Mallik and Girl is Ansari.
    Is the marriage possible.


    • As Salam aleikum.

      The caste difference does not matter; Islam cam to unify the human race in the form of the Ummah. If both of these individuals are Muslims, things like caste are meaningless and the brother needs to have a reasonable discussion with his parents regarding this. I'm assuming the caste difference was pointed out by some family friend (I've seen aunties pointing out caste differences after weddings take place) which is problematic because in Desi culture ghibbah is rampant and it is difficult to get around.


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