Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents have estranged me after converting to Islam

Muslim woman studying, books, school

Assalamu alaikum.

I belonged to a traditional Hindu family and was very religious since childhood, am the eldest daughter with two sisters and a brother. I stayed away from my parents mostly for studies but used to miss them a lot.

After I grew up, I started working and was posted in a big city. In my office I met a Muslim boy who was senior to me and was moved by his manners, wisdom and nature. We used to discuss about religion and I started knowing the real Islam, way beyond the myths I had heard since my childhood. We used to admire each other also but thinking about marriage was unfathomable due to the barrier between Hindus and Muslims. We both had decided to forget each other and I decided to get married according to my parents' wishes, that is, to a Hindu boy. The marriage got fixed but I was not happy, I did not want to follow the tradition of idol worship any more and also did not want to marry anyone else other than my friend.

I broke that betrothal (not even engagement had happened) and my parents got to know about all this and then started a period of emotional struggle, mental torture and family fights. I was called back home and was not allowed to go back  but my dad felt pity on me and sent me again on the promise that I will leave my job and come back. After going back I decided to embrace Islam on my own free will and marry my Muslim friend and hence I told my parents my decision. After a struggle of one year, my parents left all hope of my return and then got my younger sister married to a Hindu boy she liked. Few days after that I got married with my friend's parents consent.

I want to tell you that I have accepted Islam with all my faith and believe in the oneness of God and have never gone back to idol worship, though my friend was the reason behind my starting to learn about it. I believe that I did not commit any mistake by embracing Islam but my parents do not understand. They say that I failed my duty as a daughter, I have shamed them, they are unable to face any relatives. I am very sad as I could not become a good daughter and caused agony to them but I could not have stayed in that house and worshiped idols after once knowing about God's revelation. My dad and my siblings do not talk to me, they say that I did not fulfil any responsibility towards my parents, lied to them and brought shame to them.

I never got to stay with my parents in my childhood and now also I am suffering. Please help and guide me.


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20 Responses »

  1. This is the case for many conversions, unfortunately I deal with youth and young adults a lot in my job who are suffering family problems on religious grounds, either by not following their religion to their parents expectations or conversion. Your Parents are grieving over the loss of image of you, they believe the girl they raised has disappeared. Parents dealing with religious conversion is similar as to how they would deal with finding out that their child is a homosexual, they are acctually grieving over the loss of what they seen as the real you. If your parents are religious Hindus, have a negative opinion about islam, or feel you have shamed them, then maybe this could be a long term issue. I would reccomend a support group or talking amongst friends with similar situations or conversing with them about what Islam is and why you have chosen Islam. Your parents may believe that you have abandoned them to marry your muslim friend.

  2. Salam, Sr. SkRida
    Welcome to the deen of Islam. It sounds like you live in India - I recently came across 2 articles regarding the Islamic Dawah Center in Delhi who may be a support for you, or may suggest some similar organisation closer to you depending where you live, and there, you may find others having the same issues and learn how they have dealt or are still dealing with this painful situation. Here are links to these articles:

    In the meanwhile, continue being the good person you are so they can see that you have not turned into the fundo that the media portrays Islam/muslims as, but the peaceful majority of practising muslims that are silently living our lives!

    Wishing you all the best in duniya and aakhirah

  3. Walaikum salaam Sister,

    Welcome to Islam and I pray that you have a wonderful marriage, kind children and that Allah (swt) blesses you each and every day.

    Alhamdulillah, reversion/conversion to Islam is a wonderful and sometimes difficult journey. Yes, we should always praise the difficulties in life because it merely means that Allah (swt) knows that you are worthy of overcoming these trials as a means to get closer to Him. Remember that even when it comes to family, Allah (swt) is the closest love that you will ever find in this world and in the hereafter and so, these troubles are just another step to gain nearness to His Presence and Mercy.

    Having said that, in a way, it was perhaps the best thing that you spent a part of your youth away from your parents, because it was a way for you to prepare for this new life of yours'. Allah (swt) knew that you would become Muslim and so, laid the path for you to lead a life away from your parents. He knew how your parents would react, and though it is not what you want, Allah (swt) has given you a good Muslim husband to love and his family, too.

    Your husband's family is one of the best assess you will have right now. I would urge you to get to know them really well, talk his mother about your worries and create a really good bond with them. Insha'allah, his mother will understand what a wonderful daughter-in-law she has in you, a woman who picked Allah (swt) as the source of all your love and how you share that with her son. Make time to visit them regularly, cook dinner with them and become another daughter for his parents: someone they love and treasure as their own. If he has sisters, make them your family, too.

    I want you to think of the greatest story told in the Qur'an: the life of Prophet Yusuf (as). Remember that he too, bore the brunt of his family's rejection and many difficulties. Yusuf (as) made the best of his life, confided all his affairs to Allah (swt) and became on of the greatest kings in his land. Though in his life he was tried many times, he was rewarded with closeness to Allah (swt) in his life and in the hereafter.

    Think of Prophet Musa (as) who ran away from everything that he knew, alone under a tree, looking to the heavens and thanking Allah (swt). He was given a pious spouse and a good family of in-laws in return for his belief. You are the same way, too.

    Seek to find good Muslim sisters in your community, become a great Muslimah and keep your family in your prayers. In times, they will come to know of the good life you have and how Islam has given you the piety and courage to live in the grace of God. One day they will see that their love for their daughter is important, just as love for Allah (swt). Insha'allah, by living a good life, they will come to the Right Path, too.

    Lastly, on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions, send gifts back home when you can. Talk to your mother, if possible, and remind her that you love her. Keep good terms with them, even if they cannot. In this case, remember that the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) was not liked by an uncle who wanted to hurt him, too. Yet, the Holy Prophet kept good relations as a way of his life and in obedience to Allah (swt).

    Many Prophets have faced these problems and it's a blessing to be tried in the way they were, as it signifies how special Allah (swt) sees you. God wants you to become the best Muslimah and Insha'allah, you will be.

    And don't forget, as our sister, we love you too. May this message find you in the best of health and iman.

    • Assalam o alaikum,

      Thank you for all the good things you have advised me. Inshah Allah, I will definitely try to read the stories of all the prophets, peace be upon them.
      I am having very disturbed sleep with dreams that my family is ignoring/quarreling with me. I am very scared of talking to them because they will hurt me again. Our relation has become very bitter. My younger sister used to be my best friend but now we don't talk. I am trying to be a good Muslim but when I think that I will never see my family again, I get scared of my life ahead.

      Allah Hafiz.

      • Walaikum salaam,

        It's good to hear from you, Subhan'allah. Though the situation is bad now, there are some steps you can take to help it.

        One of the most effective ways to apologize to people is to write them a letter and/or a card asking for forgiveness of the bad relationship. Tell them that while you are Muslim, you need to always have a god relationship with them and that you still love them. Admit that you know this will take some time, but also that you want for your love of them and their love of you to always remain. This way you do not have to speak or hear bad words, so just send letters.

        Keep in mind that having children in the future will cause your family to rethink their attitudes, as well. Every parent wants to be a grandparent, so Insha'allah, having children will help mend those relations in the future, too. And as I said, make your husband's family close to you and have good Muslim female friends. They will be a good source of comfort, Insha'allah.

        Make your prayers to Allah (swt) about these events and seek His forgiveness for anything wrong you may have done during these arguments with your family. Repent by ensuring that you will never repeat the bad relationships again. Talk privately with God and you will find peace.

        A lot of the stress and bad emotions you feel are making you have bad dreams. You need to ask Allah (swt) for help in this matter. Read the 4 Quls Surah Al-Kafiroun, Al-Falaq, Al-Ikhlas
        and An-Nas with Ayat Kursi before sleeping to help alleviate these nightmares, as well. Try to relax by soaking your feet in warm water, asking your husband to rub your shoulders and give you massages to relieve the tensions you may be feeling because of the stress. Do this for him right before sleeping, too. This is a very nice and comforting way to attend to each other, help each other and fall even more in love.

        Ask your husband to hold you when you sleep, as this provides comfort to you and should help you feel more secure. Listen to his heartbeat by placing your ears next to his chest when you are in bed, as this reminds us of when we were babies in our mother's wombs and brings a very natural and instinctual comfort to us as we fall asleep. There is a great wisdom by cuddling with your husband and this will help you lower your fears and grow closer to him.

        Insha'allah, these suggestions will help. Please pray for all of us and we shall pray for you, too.

  4. Firstly welcome to islam

    This I can say is a normal attitude by family members whenever there is issue regarding conversions whether to or away from islam

    Your parents are seeing islam in the negative light which most of the non muslim see and believe, but that I say is due to some of muslim who have created such an image of islam

    Give your parents some time or may take years till they understand after all u r their own blood irrespective of what religion u follow .

  5. assalam alikum,
    it always happens when you oppose your parents, PARENTS ARE BLESSING OF ALLAH and we should not heart them. But now you understand the truth and masha allah you are following the true path ( islam). try to convince your parents about the islam and u have good husband and family also, so everything will be right. any one should not heart or cheat parents, so because you are following islam then you are right.
    khuda hafiz

  6. May God bless you and give you the courage to overcome the situation you are in. May Allah increase you in faith and make it fruitful to you. May He give you the pleasure of this world and paradise in hereafter.

  7. Firstly congratulations on the transition, May Allah reward you, you set an example for many and I hope you can see the significance of your journey/path to Islam, may Allah grant you the opportunity to take advantage of it.

    I wouldn't worry about the way your parents treat you, but I would focus on your approach towards them. I grew up away from my parents too and they seemed strangers for some time. They will also feel to uncomfortable towards you, so as an educated individual, you should use your skills to engage with them in a delightful manner. SHow them you are happy, this will make your parents happy, try and talk to them, make an effort, you dont need to talk about islam, tell them about your day, be a friend and you will become a good daughter.

    This will take some time, and it might be slow, take it in baby steps, you maybe pushed back by them, but keep trying. Who knows through you they may accept islam. Good Luck.

    • Assalam o alaikum brother,

      Thanks for all the support.

      I have made many mistakes and lost my temper over my parents in the past due to which they are very hurt. whenever they said something bad about Islam or Muslims I used to defend which used to make them very very angry and they have taken all these things to heart. I am very ashamed of my deeds, I should have coped it in better way.
      Now I am very scared of talking to them because whenever they talk to me, they hurt me.
      I get disturbing dreams of my family scolding me or hurting me, I am mentally disturbed by all the quarrels which happened in past and so I do not have the courage to approach them . I tried to call my mother a few times but even she asked me not to call as she gets disturbed after my call.

      I am very scared to talk to them and also I do not want to disturb them.
      I message them on birthdays, anniversaries and send presents when possible.

      Allah Hafiz

      • Walaikumaslaam,

        You will need to exercise lots of patience, progress maybe difficult and slow but think of it as a test. Imagine someone who dislikes you but you have to convince that person to be your friend because you are in need that person, you would have to be nice to that person.

        Try not to get offended if they attack Islam this will be natural for them, if you find they attack Islam or Muslims don’t respond to it, especially if any response will fuel anger and damage relations with them. In such incidents change the subject especially in the early stages. Learn to show love towards your parents, this maybe difficult if they are worshipping idols. You may have to turn a blind eye until you have developed a relationship with them and can discuss aspects of religion.

        This maybe a difficult period but once they realise that you are still their daughter who simply lives by a different set of rules, inshallah you will become their favourite daughter.

  8. Thank you all for your advice, wishes and support.
    May Allah swt guide us always and lead us to the right path.

  9. Allah orders us to serve and obey our parents by treating them with a very good behaviour. but if they demand something that is against the teachings of Islam, we must not obey them but make them understand that the not on the right way. definately they do not know the right way. so it is our duty to tell them the right path, the only way to success, that is Islam. we should teach them and try to bring them to Islam.
    Keep making effort despite of all the obstacle.
    Remember !! try u best, & leave the results to Allah.
    Allah give Hidayat to those, whom he likes to give.
    All power belongs to Allah.

  10. Allah orders us to serve and obey our parents by treating them with a very good behaviour. but if they demand something that is against the teachings of Islam, we must not obey them but make them understand that the not on the right way. definately they do not know the right way. so it is our duty to tell them the right path, the only way to success, that is Islam. we should teach them and try to bring them to Islam.
    Keep making efforts despite of all the obstacles.
    Remember !! try ur best, & leave the results to Allah.
    Allah gives Hidayat to those, whom he likes to give.
    All powers belong to Allah.

  11. give your parents some time
    and be very very polite to them...make them see that ur conversion to islam has made u such a good person...make them view u as a model that they may see the beauty of islam through u...that will bring them close to u and to islam IA

  12. I'd just like to interject a note of unfortunate realism, even at this time of great pain. I converted to Islam 27 years ago when I was 40. I had the same problems you are having although I was always kind to my parents and tried to tell them about Islam. Nothing ever changed. In the end, I was disinherited by my parents and dismissed by my brother and have no family left.

    • Sister Fatimah,
      Disowned by parents or disinherited of properties is no big loss. What is most important is that you have Allah and Allah promise Jannah, the width of jannah is as the width of the heaven and the earth. So establish and enhance your faith (iman) and good deeds or 'takwa' and be the best of practicing muslimmah. Know that two rekaah before the fajaar prayer is worth more than the earth and all its contents. To Allah, the seven heavens is just like 7 pcs of mustard seeds in our palms. Do you know that there are more stars in the heavens than total number of grains of sand on earth? Try to send a copy of the Quran w translation to yur parents. They might read just want to know why you are so steadfast!!

      I hope you understand what I mean. People are so concerned about this earthly life and relationship but fail to look at the future life promised by Allah which is totally beyond imadination. However much pain you endure is only like a bite by a tiny ant but the pain in the hereafter is eternal. "O God, evert us from the Wrath of Hell, for its Wrath is indeed an affliction grevious. Evel indeed is it as an abode , and as place to rest in". 25:65-66

  13. sister, try to be as best muslimah as you can; yur parents dont talk to you, then, dont talk, just email or send letters an greeting cards, but not so often, who knows they might be longing for you in their heart. Now that you had a good hubby, dont make him sad by showing your sadness. Pass your time with prayer, zikr and doa. And one last thing; always remember that this world is only a place of testing and what is of value to Allah is only our iman and good deeds or takwa. Realize that this world is only a speck of dust compared to the vast cosmos and the hereafter is even bigger. So why worry so much about how your parents treat you, nevertheless you should give due respect to yur parents as required by Islam. You should worry wheather you will pass the test to gain the favor and blessing of Allah. Post to them a copy of the Quran w translation.

  14. Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu.
    My dear sister,
    Alhamdulillah - Your journey has many resemblances to my very own.
    MashaAllah there are many good ad vices from your brothers and sisters in Islam - may Allah swt reward them and you - ameen.
    Yes the journey is difficult and sometimes we think we will not be able to carry on like this. Alhamdulillah we are blessed - Allah has chosen us to follow His path of truth. We can help ourselves in many ways - Allah swt tells us in the Quran:
    Chapter (2) surah al-baqarah (The Cow): “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient”
    So we can remind ourselves that we are being tested. Also if we are patient in our difficult times Allah swt will reward us.
    Sura 39, Az-Zumar Ayah 10: "Those who endure with patience will be rewarded without measure."
    And Allah swt is so merciful that He swt reminds us we are not alone He swt is there and with every difficulty there is ease:
    Surah Inshirah 94: 5-6: So, verily, with every hardship, there is ease; Verily, with every hardship there is ease.
    Furthermore, Allah does not put us through something with which we would not cope
    Qur'an, 2:155: “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear”
    By reminding ourselves that we are where we are because this is exactly where Allah swt wants us to be - the acceptance of this realization can actually be uplifting and humbling.
    Sometimes what we want isn't always the right thing - Allah swt wants best for us and He alone knows what is best for us - so we say alhamdulillah and put out trust in Allah swt by accepting what comes along our paths. Allah swt loves those who put their trust in Him.
    My dear sister, never under estimate the power of dua - we can ask Allah swt to help us through our difficulties and we can make dua for our family members that Allah swt gives them guidance. There are authentic hadith regarding how dua are answered: 1. Allah swt grants our dua as we asked; 2. Allah swt grants us something better than what we asked for; 3. Allah swt saves or spares us from some other difficulty; 4. Allah saves our answer for something In Jannah.
    We are Alhamdulillah blessed to be able to make dua anytime. We have Alhamdulillah the opportunity to make dua 5 times a day in our salat. We can alhamdulillah rise before fajr and make dua in the dark of the night when most are sleeping. We can alhamdulillah make dua before breaking fast. Alhamdulillah these are just a few mentioned here.
    By increasing our understanding and getting to the deen according to the Quran and the authentic Sunnah we can inshaAllah find ourselves at peace in our minds and our hearts. Life will always continue to test us – when we think of other people and their difficulties, we can see that we have more than them and we say Alhamdulillah. By concentrating on how to help your husband and other people in your life be closer to Allah swt inshaAllah the difficulties become easier to bear.
    May Allah help you to be successful in your journey and May Allah bless you in this life and in the hereafter, May Allah swt take you through life’s difficulties quickly and I pray your eeman grows and that you find life fulfilling and blessed - Ameen. I would ask you to make dua for yourself and us all.

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