Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents are not accepting my new marriage

Love in Islam

Asalamo Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatahu,

I had posted a question on this website last year about my parents forcing me to go back to my abusive husband; but Alhamdulillah I got divorced islamically (after facing so many hardships) a few months after that post of mine. My legal divorce is going to be done in 2-3 months time in Shaa Allah, but now I am facing another difficulty.

Long story short- I met this righteous and most wonderful man through a muslim website.  He is a hafiz.  We started talking, and while talking to him I found out that he was also a divorcee and had a troubled past with his partner just like me. He had told his mum about me and his mum performed Istikhara, and the next day his mum told him that he should definitely go for me as she has a very good feeling about me, Alhamdulillah.

After a month we started getting serious about each other, and decided to make our relationship halal because we knew that talking a lot will lead us into zinnah. So we decided to meet each other once with a good intention before we take the serious step, and after our meet up we both really liked each other a lot.

He told his family all about me and so I told my mum about him, but my mum did not approve. I was so upset, but the guy told me not to give up and try to speak to my parents. Even the guy's mum wanted to speak to my mum about the proposal.

After a week, I spoke to my mum again about the guy and how we wanted to get our nikkah done, but my mum made a big issue out of it. My dad also came and found out, and they got really mad and started saying how we have different backgrounds (as I am an afghan and he is pakistani). So they started this long lecture how I should've waited for a couple of years and then decided to get married to an AFGHAN guy.

But I told my parents that no one plans to fall in love, and no one comes across such a decent and righteous person. So now alhamdulillah I have found one, and we both want to get married, and also I have had a very bad experience in the past with an afghan guy (my ex husband.)

But my parents refused completely and that just broke my heart completely, I didn't knew what to do. But because the guy is a hafiz and has a lot of knowledge about islam, he sent me few hadith's about how a girl who has been previously married has rights to marry a person on her own will without her parent's consent and several other hadiths.

So the guy asked me if we could get our nikkah done, and after thinking a lot I decided to go for it because we both love each other a lot and I didn't wanted to lose such a righteous person. But I told him that even if we got our nikkah done, I would want to stay with my family for a while and tell them gradually in Shaa Allah (maybe I was too scared to lose my family and lose the love of my life at the same time). So then we both decided to perform Istikhara and see what is the best for us.  After a few days we both decided to get our nikkah done.

Last month we got our nikkah done in his house with his family by a Hafiz, and Alhamdulillah we are now husband and wife. I have never been so happy or felt so complete in my life, BUT there's one pain in my heart and that is my parents not giving their consent and not trying to do what lies in my happiness.

Alhamdulillah I pray 5 times a day and I make Du'a and recite powerful du'as after every salah, but  every single time my mum mentions about my husband she makes it sound like I have committed a big sin by thinking about getting married to a pakistani guy. All my parents care about is what others will say and how they will never be able to face my relatives if I do such a thing.

But now my husband is getting frustrated and wants me to move in with him and make our family and live our life according the Qur'an and Sunnah. He and his family keep asking me when am I going to tell my family about my nikkah, because it has been a month now and they just want me to move in and live with them in Shaa Allah. Even my husband's elder brother said that if he could he would like to speak to my dad regarding my husband and the nikkah, but every single time I try to tell my parents about my nikkah I get scared that they might do something to harm me or worry what if something happens to my parents.....there's so many things that go through my mind!

Please tell me if I have done something wrong, or if I am doing something right or what should I do next. I am just so confused and so scared 🙁 As my husband says- nowadays nikkah is getting so expensive and zinnha/sin is getting so cheap.

Sorry if I have made any mistake writing this post.

Jazak'Allah Khairan and Asalamo Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatahu,


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4 Responses »

  1. You are not even legally divorced, why did you remarry? If your parents approval is so important why did you marry that Pakistani guy in the first place?

    • Asc sister.
      I know that you feel happy with your new husband but in life it's more important that you do the right thing than to be happy. I am sure you are someone who fears Allah.
      Our prophet SAW said in a hadith narrated by ibn Abbas - that the marriage of a women is invalid without her waliyy(Gurdian). In another hadith Aisha narrated that the prophet saw said that any women who gets married without the consent of her waliyy, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. So looking at these hadith I think you know where stand in your situation. Continue staying with your parents and tell man the situation. I know this is hard but always follow the path of the Quran and sunnah and you will be happy in this world and the next. May Allah guide us all and make this easy for you sister.

      • BUT, If the guardian refuses to arrange the marriage of a woman to a suitor who is compatible in terms of his religious commitment and good character, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the shar’i judge, and the shar’i judge should arrange the woman’s marriage. If such a case comes to him and he knows that the woman’s guardians refused to arrange her marriage, then he is obliged to arrange her marriage, because he has general guardianship so long as family guardianship was not achieved.

  2. Salama Aleikum sister,

    I am glad that you are not in an abusive marriage any more. The blessings of parents is important when making such decisions as marriage. Although your wali's consent was not required his presence is.

    I think perhaps you have been hasty in agreeing to marry this man without your family's knowledge. Why were you scared of losing him? Whatever is meant for you will never pass you by. Could it be the case that you became so infatuated with him that you placed him in your heart above anything else? The ' in love ' feeling does not justify the manner in which you have done this.

    What will happen if he or his family let you down or mistreat you? How will your family protect you? Also by you agreeing to him and his family, going behind your family's back, will not put you in any favour with them. Would they have accepted if their daughter did so? I doubt it. Being a hafiz of quraan does not make you a well mannered person who would discourage his future wife from disrespecting and lying to her parents nor put herself in the situation you have found yourself in.

    I would advice you to speak to your parents today. Tell them both without him not his family present what has happened. Apologise to them and explain you were keen to protect yourself within a marriage and you wish for them to accept it. As for whether the marriage contract is valid ask an imam or scholar you trust. Avoid staying with him until you have cleared it up with your family. And do not fall pregnant by him. Sis make sure you clear your head and understand you could find yourself in a bad position if this happens.

    With parents Allah swt tells us;

    And your Lord has ordained that you do not worship anyone except Him, and treat your parents with kindness; if either of them or both reach old age in your presence, do not say "Uff"* to them and do not rebuff them, and speak to them with the utmost respect.And lower your wing humbly for them, with mercy, and pray, "My Lord! Have mercy on them both, the way they nursed me when I was young." (17:23-24)

    Why did your fiancé or husband not advice you of this sister. You do not know what is in a mans heart only Allah swt Knows. He my appear perfect to you but have bad intentions

    Please protect yourself and speak to your parents.

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