Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents not agreeing in who I want to marry…

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Salaam.. I'm a 23 year old Bangladeshi girl living in USA .. I started uni on 2013, met this guy in 2014, he's 22.,  . I've been with him for 2 years ( I know it's wrong but please only Allah swt can judge me).. I told my parents about him this June. And they disagreed cuz he's from different caste and that he's international student - they think he's using me for a UK visa.. Which he's not cuz he's genuinely a really nice brother.. I 've been living he'll since June. My parents have tried kicking me out the house, saying it's that you marry him and you'll be disowned or leave him and marry who we say.. I've made lots of dua that Allah softens my parents heart. Showed patience and sabr. But right now, in tired of living life like this.. I'm not disrespecting them in any way I can't be normal to them, like I was before.. I stay in my room all day, go work, come back and room again.. It hurts so much that my parents are so into their pride that they can't see my happiness..

My mum had spoken to his mum just cuz my grandma said, there's no harm in talking to them.. But since I've told my parents, all they say is he's from lahore in Pakistan and people from there are so cunning. They're like snakes, that can never be trusted.. My dad knows this person and he's from lahore and he's a bad character. They're generalising them, like everyone from a specific region are bad people cuz a few individuals they know from there are corrupt..

I don't want to leave my family and nor can I imagine myself marrying someone I don't love.. It taunts me to think of sharing a bed with someone im not attracted to. And I know, I'll learn to love eventually but why shall I sacrifice my happiness in that way. I've always obeyed them in all sense, listened to everything they want. I've kept their respect amongst the community and everyone knows me as the good girl and nothing else.. This has really affected me, I feel so down everyday, thinking that one day or another I'll be sharing a bed with someone I have no desire to be with.. It's traumatising..

I want to be happy again. Like I was before :(.. But still I say Alhamdulillah for everything cuz I could've had it much worse.. I'd understand if they met the brother then spoke faults about him but they're judging him purely based on how other people are from that region of Pakistan- which is so unfair on me.. They've got no Islamic reason to say no, they talk about Islam like they doing right by Allah but they're not.. They're convincing me to say yes to a man they choice. Even though I've said no many times.. My mum showed me this brothers pic and said to me that I shouldn't let her down this time and should make them happy.. But what about my happiness 🙁 I said no and told her that she can't force me to marry anyone I do not wish, she agreed and said I'll never force. But in a way, they are forcing me.. I'm just scared of what the future holds, I know Allah is the best of planners but sometimes I wish I know what Allah has planned.. and the brother that I'm with is bearing all this, my mother bad mouths him and his family so much it's unbelievable. yet he's still with me. my mum calls them animals, bad people, cunning and all sorts. but he's stuck his ground. though now he's showing that he's more stressed about this situation.. he was before but didn't show it as much.. he's a practicing Muslim and prays, obligatory and voluntary at times..

I dunno if I mentioned earlier but his parents are happy and want me to marry their son.. They're very supportive and his mum is saying that I can always go there if I needed an escape.. But I don't think I'll ever do that cuz I'll have no respect in their eyes and my parents respect will go down the drain.. I'm just so confused in what to do.. I don't want to marry anyone else.. I've tried my best to make my parents understand but they're so blind in what makes me happy..

My father and mother whom I love the most, I do still love them dearly cuz they've done so much for me in my life.. But my dad don't pray, very occasionally he does, for instance eid prayer.. And my mother prays sometimes, fajr.. She said to me, the namaz (prayers) you pray to your Allah won't ever be accepted.. It hurts so much that my own mum said that to me..

Them refusing is nothing but worldly desires.. Like they're not thinking and going by Islam and using the proper way as to how to get married shown by prophet muhhamed (may peace be upon him).

I'm so tired of this.. And confused :(..I've repented for all my mistakes and want Allah to soften my parents heart.. I feel depressed.. any advice would be appreciated..  ithink I forgot to mention that he's international and is currently studying at university..  I have graduated and am currently working in a decent pay job, passed driving.. JUST WANT TO MAKE THINGS HALAL ASAP, I'M TIRED OF BEING IN A HARAAM RELATIONSHIP..

My mother just bad mouths me all the time, she goes. I pray to Allah that I live long so I can see you suffer all your life.. and I pray to Allah you cry all your life. and rude stuff like that 🙁 she's so harsh with her words.  she also said, if you're like this cuz of your lover then run away, I don't care.. like what mother says that to her daughter. I'm so tired of this

Regards,
Some girl

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2 Responses »

  1. Honey you are not going to like what I'm going to say

    But that's ok I really don't mind if you like it or not

    , you asked for the advice
    Take it or leave it

    I really think there's a great chance your Lahori love may be using you as a ticket

    There have been so many cases of green card fraud that it is madness

    Even lawyers are advising for both men and women to not marry outside the country

    Expecially if ur in usa or UK or Canada etc

    I know from my own experience when my ex husband ran away after getting his greencard

    I've remarried but that's another story

    9/10 such marriages are legetimate
    It's not worth the risk

    Do you realize that if you apply for him to live in the USA

    you will be financially responsible for him

    and it doesn't matter how he treats you

    You will still have to pay for him

    Lawyers fees cost well over $6,000

    do you have the money to pay for all that

    will there be someone out there helping you to pay for that

    and divorce fees cost even more than that

    do you have the money to pay for a divorce

    and if he runs away immigration wont Deport him he could still be able to stay the only way

    they'll be able to deport him as soon as he committed a great crime

    Like murder rape having child poronography etc.
    That's what happened when my ex husband ran away

    And perhaps your parents are afraid for you too

    Go call a lawyer and ask for advice on what to do

    God forbid if you already have a child with your partner (you did say you were living with your partner so I can only assume you did other things with him)

    suppose if you two want to separate

    then what will become of the child

    how do you know that you're the Lahori Love won't take the child on visitation

    and then run off to Pakistan

    it happens every day of all nationalities

    you have to really think about this

    I was the same way when I was your age too

    I only wish I had someone to tell me what I'm telling you now here's what I say

    Put him to the test
    Pretend that you want to go with him to Lahore
    For the reasons of wanting to live in an Islamic country

    If he agrees then he's legit
    If he fights too much
    You know he only wants you 4 greencard

    Or

    if you don't want to leave the man do this

    if you have no kids with him
    take a special type of birth control
    that will make you unable to get pregnant for say three to five years

    if in those years your husband acts appropriate with you

    then you know he's legit

    but if he's not then you know that
    He's using you

    Save your money and call an immigration lawyer
    Good luck (you're going to need it)
    Salamalekum

  2. Sister do u live in with him? If you do, stop doing that. I do think you must take sister Reshme’s advice seriously. Offer istikhara prayer. Tell this brother that because of family disagreements and religious reasons, you cannot live in USA at all and you will both have to make a life out there in Lahore. Consult an immigration lawyer and make up a proper strong story of leaving USA with him. Do see where it goes from here and if he really is interested in you. You have to be objective here instead of getting carried away by your emotions and any past that you share with him.

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