Parents are objecting to this marriage and I am running out of time
How do I soften my father's heart of stone?
Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters,
I am in dire need of your duas and help. I love this boy who loves me too. My parents are objecting. His parents have agreed. I waited 5 years for him to come down to this country and he has been here for 2 years and now his visa is expiring. I have been on lock down for a year. I really need help. I love him so much.
I've been in hospital because I have fallen ill and I ended up over-dosing myself yet my parents still won't agree. I have also been diagnosed with acute depression. The boy I love and I pray five times a day and we have been making extra dua's. I have been reading the Quran more often and he has sent money back home to feed the needy and to mosques to pray for us.
My friends are suggesting I run away but I cannot do that because of my dad's health. Please help me. Is there any way in which I can get my dad's heart to soften up or any taweez I can use?
Please help me. I am running out of time. I am in dire need of help.
- fate
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Dear sister, As-salamu alaykum,
It's difficult to advise you without knowing the nature of your parents' objections to this man.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If its not meant to b, it won't happen. If it doesn't happens that means something bad would of happened later so Allah is preventing that now. Do u know y ur parents are not allowing tis?! Ask them y r they doin this. Plus is the guy suitable for u? Is he not using u to get to b in the country ur in, just for his documents? Please thnk with open mind and put the love aside for now. U only have one parents, hurting them or goin against their wishes won't get u far. Thnk is thru again. Good luck.
Ur parents may have some reasons that they object try to know the reason if they have a good reason then its better for u to listen to them. But if not then talk with them and tell them that in islam one is allowed to chose his or her life partner. Make dua that is the only thing which can change things if Allah(s) wants.
Do istikhara prayer and ask Allah(s) to make it easy for u if its for ur goodness and have patience.
my dear sister,
it must be so difficult for you going through this battle of parents and this man you love. you are doing the right thing by not listening to your friends who are giving you advice of running away from the home.i can gaurantee you it will only make matters more complicated and painful for you.
the best way would be to talk to a member of your family who would be ready to listen to you and discuss with you the objections they have against this proposal. this person does not have to be your father or brother or mother. it can be another elder in the family . an aunty or uncle? someone who can talk to your father and mother. overdosing and emotional blackmailing is not the best way to deal with a situation.
sometimes , parents need to be given their due respect and position. iam not saying that you are not. but elders often get annoyed when matters of such importance like marriage are not discussed with them in terms of approvel but are rather ordered on them like final decision .they feel they have no say in it and then they are against it.most of the time they mean all good for you and dont want you to be hurt in the end.
sit and talk and try to listen to their perspective as well.
inshallah you will be peaceful with the final decision.
take care and keep praying and be ware of the people who are running out of their visas and then they start pressurising for marriage.
friend.
Salaam my sister,
I am sorry to hear of this pain that you are experiencing. As Wael said, as we do not know what your parent's reasons are: we cannot advise appropriately as we do not know how to navigate objections until we know whether they are justified or not (like if you are underage for example, or if the boy is violent).
What I would say is that your depressive state and self harm is in no way to inspire confidence in anyone, especially parents. What inspires confidence is happiness, self sufficiency and the ability to deal with our issues in a responsible manner. I would focus on recovering from depression before considering marriage. Depression is classified as a mental illness - and it is highly advised to avoid important decisions when under the cloud of depression.
Marriage (as your parents will know) is full of trials, stresses and strains. No parent is going to put their suicidal and depressed daughter into a marriage because she is not thinking with a clear and healthy mind. The last thing that any responsible parent will do when their child is in and out of hospital is hand over responsibility of that child to someone else who will never care for them in the same way. They are highly likely to hold this boy responsible for what is happening to you and equate his influence over you with the self-destructive actions that are resulting from it. Whether they have good reason or not: you cannot expect parents to willingly and openly accept someone who creates such emotional havoc in their home.
If you really want your family to take you seriously, you must strive very hard to recover from depression, because being of healthy mind and healthy body is the only way your parents are ever going to pay attention to you and take what you say seriously. At the moment, they will see everything you do as symptoms of a bigger problem, and blame everything you say and do on your depression.
My advice to you if you want to be heard and you want to have a say in your life is to focus on getting better, recover, build yourself up, demonstrate happiness and confidence in all that you do: and you will start to see a difference in the way your family interacts with you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Leyla, very good points. Reading your reply gave me a new insight into the parents thinking. Thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My sister is in the same situation but here is the problem of caste system. Our family knows the boy's since years. But still they are not accepting him because we are not allowed to marry someone with different caste. When my sister was in university the boy sent proposal. And then my sister gave her consent. She wanted to marry him and our parents just told her to complete her studies and then they would consider this matter. After that my sister tried to restrain herself because she is very religious and sensible girl who honour the moral values. 1.5 years back the boy's parents officially came to our house for proposal. My sister even made istikhara and after that many things became clear. The boy is eligible right now in every aspect i.e lineage, status, family, religion and most of it he didnt even give up on her. When our father said that boy is just studying and he does nothing for his bread so, he started his own business againt his parent's wish just to convince our parents. And now after 3.5 years when each and everything is clear Our parents are saying that we can not marry you outside of caste. (which was ofcourse their first consideration but they didn't clear that before because they thought that my sister and the boy both are not serious amd it is just a time pass thing) but my sister is now in sevre depression. She cries alot all night, in prayers. She is becoming ill day by day Also our parents are cursing her for being shame for family. She is in major guilt right now of liking someone and displeasuring parents. She asked that if she can remain unmarried as long as she don't forget him but our parents are not allowing it either. She says she us helpless she don't want to marry someone else. Also she don't want to hurt parents. She is eldest among us. And she is very caring for everyone For mother father specially but right now she is in depression which is leading her to grave. May Allah ease our ways.
I was going through all of responses over here then i thought i should share it with you guys. Make dua for us please
Salaams,
Listen to your parents at the end of the day. Since as already stated, you haven't said what exactly your parents are against, one has to base this on the info you have given.
Who is this guy? How have you come to know him in a way that has made you fall in love with him? He probably wants a visa that's all. At the end of the day, why is time running out? If he went back to his home country you can stil get married and apply for him to return to your country again.
He has probably been the trigger for your depression. What you need to do is forget all about him and recover. It is better for anyone to first be happy with themselves and not think that one needs someone to create their happiness. As if you do, you will feel hopeless without them.
Do you really want to be married to a person your family hates? So what would you do? Choose him over them? What about family occasions and future offspring not being able to see grandparents? Family will always be there. you cannot really replace them. But a husband these days is only temporary and any man that is prepared for you to go against your family is not worth trusting.
Get your priorities right
Hopeful
My situation is similar but different due to the fact my dad dislikes this guy very much that I have bee with for 6yrs now before I came into Islam, and we want to get married but the way my dads first impressions of him was not good as we was having an argument outside my work plc and my bf out of anger decided to talk to my dad and tell him that wev been going out due to this my dad thinks the guy is dangerous as my bf was angry at the time and my dad also dose not like him cuz he is Pakistani and im Iranian, he also sat me down that night and said there is no way he wud mix with them and let me be with one of them. My dad kinda hates all Asians unfortunally due to the way they act and the majority of them do drugs and treat girls wrong not saying thou other races don’t but he pacifically does not like them. My dad after the incident told me to finish it with him and never to talk to him again but after a few days of my bf tryna contact me I started to talk to him again and we got bk together after he said he was very sorry but was to afraid to confront my dad so we continued our relationship and yes wev had problems n ups and downs but his tryna change in the silly mistakes he made and i have faith he will change his ways. Later down the line another incident happened during another argument we had my bf had got a hold of my dads number as it was my old number so he knew it and out of anger to either scare me or make me pick up my fne he used bad language towards my dad down the fne and my dad recognized his voice and knew it was him du to the fact he motioned my name. yes I know that is a very disrespectful thing to do to ones father and yes my bf is Muslim aswell but did it regardless, my bf has always had a bad temper and can lash out and do sum really bad things but his tryna change that. Anways so things from there went bad as my dad knew i will still talking to him and I got into alot of trouble for lying to my dad that I wasn’t talking to him so he told me again never to lie to him and to never talk to this guy again as he has disrespected my dad. I didn’t talk to him for a few days but again I ended up talking to him and we sorted it out he wanted to apologized to my dad but knew what my dad wud say. from there just a few months back same thing happened but my dad didn’t say much to me as he fort the guy just saw me abt and wanted to say shit to my dad, my dad kept an eye on me and became very suspicious and watchful of where I go and what I do, after a while when my bf hadn’t done any think like that n a long time recently he done it again and my dad was a big angry ad just swore back at him I off course switched at my bf but things from there have gone now to him urgently wanting to get married he has man times asked me and we nearly went threw it last yr but the imaan cudnt make it after that we left it for a while and now he wants to defiantly get married he has arranged a imaan and witnesses etc but I cant how ever ask any of my family as my English half r only in this country and they dnt really know abt my bf except my mum and sisters but my sisters wud not be happ at all if i went and married him behind my dads back bcuz wen they hav found out abt us going to do it before behind my families back they was screwing and my mum is on my dads side she thou does not mind who i marry as long as i am happy but because of what my bf has done she does not like him too. So im kinda stuck as my dad said he wud not allow it because of what he done and because he is Pakistani so I have no choice but to do the nikkah without the agreeing of my parents due to it be a racial factor and the things his done which he only now can try and ask forgiveness for but even if he did my dad still wud not agree as he is Asian. Iv been with the guys 6yrs and have had intercourse with him so I must marry him that’s been my intention all along. I believe the best way is to not run away as this will hurt my family even more and thou yes the will be angry that I married him without them knowing or agreeing iv done this for me to be happy and im sure inshallah if I pray my family will finally forgive him and accept him. Has anyone got any advice???
Salaams one and all..
Im in a very similar situation. My dad does not want to accept the guy due to him being a surtee and myself a kokney. The reason has no grounds and now his parents decided to come and propose tonight. Im really nervous but i really wana be with the guy.
I request one and all for ur DUAS..for Allah(swt) to please soften my fathers heart and for him to accept.
Id really appreciate it.. Does anyone know of a dua i can read to soften their hearts?
Jazakallah!
salaam.... i need ur help same problm with me.. i love someone.. my parents r agree byt her parents dont want 2 did her marrige with me.. i love her 2 much and loves me 2... plz gave me any thng for softing her parents heart. plz contact me i wana 2 taik with u personly i am from pakistan.. W.A..
Salaam one and all...
I pray Allah makes things easy for you. Have Sabr in Him - He knows what is best for you.
Please also let me know the dua to soften the hearts of parents.
Its so painfull to marry arranged if u have deep love of any one (him/her) i can understand this feeling coz m in progress of this situation.please also pray for me.and its better to marry on own choice.it removes misunderstanding between each male female.i want marry on my choice plz fnds pray for my success thanks.
Salam I am in a situation were my parents want me to marry in the family but I want to marry of my own choice, my father sed he will disown me if I marry of my own choice and not from his choice! Ya Allah accept my duas! Ya Allah soften my fathers heart! Ya Allah make this easy for me Ameen! Please make dua for me!
Slms. Sister. May Allah make it easy for you.
If this boy is a muslim, there is nothing wrong with him.
In the time of Nabi S.A.W.,if two people liked each other, nikah was made immediately. May your parents give you their blessings inshaaa allah
Your parents should give you their blessings and make dua for your ever-lasting happiness. May Allah soften your parents hearts.
Do not give up hope in your Rabb. Dua is the only thing that can change Taqdeer.
Salam I also have the same situation, the issue is that the boy is less educated and younger than me. My parents have refused the proposal even without meeting him, my mother just met him once she said to me that she likes the boy but on the other hand she just asked him to get out of my life and since one year my parents kept me lockedup at home they have forcefully made me quit my job and they don't even allow me to go anywhere or talk to anyone in alone. They just want a guy who must be well settled abroad and highly qualified but to me this is not the criteria for a happy life, I feel scared talking to them as they have threaten the boy's family and even insulted them in their work place but.his parents are still agree to talk to my parents. I feel really helpless please pray for me.