Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents are still punishing me for things that happened a long time ago

mother and daughter, lecturing mother

aslama alaykum

I'm 17 years old and I am having a lot of problems with my parents. I made mistakes in my past when I first started high school. My parents were so harsh on me when they found out about it all. I did feel guilty and since then I am trying to fix my life up and just be a good Muslim and make my parents happy.

I don't really understand the way my dad reacts towards me. It's like he hasnt forgiven me for my mistakes no matter how hard I try. And it made me sad at first when he would yell at me for no reason and just find little things to make a big deal out of. Now I just don't even care anyways. I don't even pay attention to them when they yell at me for no reason. It really does hurt a lot when they swear and yell at me and think I did something wrong when I didn't. I know I made mistakes but I am actually trying to make them happy now but they just bring all the stress for themselves.

For example, the other day my school called because they thought I missed a class even though I didn't. I told them it was a mistake and that I did go to class but they didn't even believe me and started acusing me of things. I just don't know how to react now.

I literally have given up, I know for a fact they can never be happy because they always thought of girls as a burden. I can say that because of how they treat me and my brother; they treat him so much better than me. It really makes me sad. I think I should just focus on my school and pray to Allah. I think I shouldn't pay attention to them when they do this and just ignore it. Because I know I didn't do anything wrong and so does Allah and that's all that should matter to me.

What do you guys think?

- saira101

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4 Responses »

  1. I think you just have to be patient. Your past conduct likely gave rise to a lot of fears in your parents, fears that all immigrant parents have about their children living in a non-muslim country. Given them time to trust you again. It is good that you are trying your best. When you try your best, everything works out. Try to do well in school, spend time at home with them, don't sulk, and be a good muslim. You are only 17 - your parents haven't written you off forever! They are just using 'tough love" right now.

    • Assalam Alaykum Saira,

      Your only 17 your at a age where your confused whether to follow Islam or to give in to peer pressure & the western culture, However that's no excuse, your old enough to understand what's right and what's wrong so taking the right path only depends on you, it's not going to be easy, buh that's why we are here, everybody is tested in different ways.Alhamdulilah you have realised your mistakes and are trying to be a good muslim which is a start.

      I also understand where your parents are coming from because It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it, So naturally it's gonna take years to build up that trust again, maybe that's the reason why your parents still hold your mistakes against you. Don't take me wrong, am not agreeing to the way they are treating you,
      am only stating the reasons behind there behaviour, Their initial reaction would have been anger because they trusted you, and you broke it, So if you can understand there anger or why and where it's coming from, then maybe you wont feel they are being so harsh to you, which can help you in being more patient 😀

      As for missing a period, you should have told your parents to ring in school and confirm the fact that you were actually in school, or told your school to ring home and explain it was a mistake.

      It's going to be really hard to gain their trust again, buh it's not impossible, your parents should understand that no body is perfect, every body makes mistakes, and the best one's are who learn from them, try speaking to your parents openly, and say that your sorry for everything that you have done, buh your now a changed person, and want to become a good daughter and a better muslim, maybe they will then realise that your serious, and wont blame you for everything that goes wrong or think the worst of any situation.

      And like precious star said spend more time with your family, when they realise your making a effort, they will inshAllah slowly start being more reasonable.

      And yes you should most certainly pray to Allah (Swt) Pray that your parents realise your a changed person, and start trusting you again, Also pray that Allah (Swt) always protects you from shaitaan and guides you the right way.

      I Really hope Everything works out for you,

      May Allah (Swt) Be With You Always !!!

      x

  2. salam,
    i agree with above. its hard for you.you actually do care about them becuase you are writing on this forum. i used to havea lot of fight with my dad in my teenage years.my dad used to favour my sister in everything. infact in front of others as well. even in how we looked. (he thought i was ugly) it was a very disgusting tough time. i survived through prayers and good friends (all girls),who would make me feel wanted and where i could laugh and talk my heart.
    i would advise you from my experience that no matter how unreasonable they are and how insuklting they are towards you dont answer back ,bang doors or leave go out of their sight. when you are feeling angry say a little prayer in your heart. and ask Allah to help you behave the right way.

    my dear sis , it is tough what you are going through, you might feel like doing all the wrongs since they are accusing of it any way, but dont fall in shatans trap. if you feel realy heart broken then open quran just randomly from any where ad ask Allah to console you, and He definitely will.

    your parents love you. they are just scared that you may end up doing mistaked again. they are so scared that they dont know what to do about it so they start shouting for no good reason. the only way to allay their anxiety and scare is to show then through your actions that they are unecessarily getting wokred up. in ther hearts they just dont want you to be hurt.

    take care my sis. you are very young when you will grow old may be 17 year from now you will understand why they behaved this way and you will find your heart forgiving them as well. i now understand any of things my father was going through now after almost 20 years!

    dont let all of this effect the beautiful person in you, who at such a young age have managed to realise your mistakes and you have turned to Allah. mashallh. may Allah increase your imaan and make this difficult time easy for you.

    friend.

  3. I just wanted to thank everyone for replying. I was going through such a tough time. I am 20 years old now and mashallah my parents are my best friends. I wanted to write this because I wanted anyone who searched this question up to know that it DOES work out in the end if you really try. It is possible to gain their trust back and be a happy family. Prayer is the key.
    Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for such helpful replies.

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