Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents refuse to allow a “love marriage”


I am muslim girl from good family. I met a muslim guy in my office and we fell in love with each other.

He also belongs to good and educated family. We both are sunni muslims. We have talked with our parents for our marriage.

My parents are ready for it but his parents are not allowing because they want a girl of their own choice. They don't want a love marriage. His parents are not ready to meet or talk to me, or my parents. They don't want even see to me.

We are having very intense relationship and want to get marry as early as possible. For us its very difficult to live without each other. Please help us how to convince his parents because he doesnt want to marry against his parents wishes.

For him his mother is everything.  He can't go against his mother and also can't see tears in my eyes.

Please help us. Waiting for reply.

Khuda Hafiz.

- Safina

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36 Responses »

  1. dear sister.

    2 adults have a right to marry each other.there seems to be no issue of religion sincere advice is that you should ask this boy to try to talk to his parents as an adult ,with a right of choice to marry who he likes as long as it is with in Islamic is upto him, how he talks to his family. if you try to meet his family and try to prove by being good to them then i dont think it will work. he has to take his mom in confidence that he has chosen a girl who he think will be a good life partner for him and a good daughter in law for the family. mom are sometimes bit stubborn and if thier sons like a woman they somehow feel unsecure that their son have made a wrong choice or the girl must be a clever witch and has trapped his son ( not in all cases).

    This person that you like can talk to his family in a peaceful manner , no retaliation or raising voice but in an obedient manner. he can say that he would like to marry you and because his mom is most important to him he would have her acceptance first. trust me their are several ways these boys can convince their moms , like they had convinced them all their life for different things.

    he can also try involving some other member of his family , who he thinks his mother will be willing to listen or may have convincing power.

    my sister, my advice to you is , you must stay strong at this time, you both like each other and if he wants to be with you then he should be able to convince his parents. dont do anything wrong or haram or one that will bring shame to your family and make you feel guilty and sinful in front of Allah.always remember if to him his family wishes are important then you should also not do anything that brings pain to your family.

    iam telling you from my own experience that men are able to convince their family unless they are not convinced themselves.dont fall in this trap that i cant convince my mom,men usually use this excuse if they are not motivated and convinced themcselves .after all Allah has given them the right to marry who they like. its not the matter of he loves his mom but cant see tears in your eyes, its a matter of will he not have tears in his eyes if he looses you
    , dont get too carried away in this emotional turmoil. think strong. you have enough good qualities for some one to convince thier parents to make you their daughter in law.

    take care my sister.make dua to Allah to give you wisdom and make this time easy for you.dont linger on and on and on this hope that one day he will convince his parents, you may find that he managed to convince his mom but for someone else.

  2. Dear Safina, Asalaamualaikum,

    You said you are in a very intense relationship with this man, so I can only assume that you are having illegal relations with him. I must remind you that having girlfriend/boyfriend type relationships outside of marriage is a major sin in Islam and you are and will be held accountable for this if you do not stop what you are doing now and repent sincerely.

    Alhumdulillah you want to legalise your relationship through marriage, but if you want any barakah in your life, stop sinning - repent and work towards convincing the parents. You are upset that the parents are not agreeing to even see and meet you, hence you really need Allah's help in sorting this out. But you are disobeying Allah so grossly by indulging in haraam relations; so why should you expect any help in this matter from Allah? You say you cannot live without each other - this must be your 'emotions' and 'physical desires' talking. Otherwise you are able to breathe and move without each other, are you not?


    Safina, time for you to wake up!! We are on this earth to worship Allah, not to break Allah's laws. Doing that will lead us to misery, guilt and pain in this life (as you are experiencing now) and hell in the Hereafter.

    - So re-focus your priorities no matter how difficult that seems. Think 'I am scared of going to hell, I want to go to Jannah, I need to please Allah'; not: 'I love this man, I can't be without him'.

    - If you find this man to be good in deen and character, approach your parents for marriage. If they do not agree, involve older and respected family members.

    - Keep away from this man until you are able to marry him. You will miss him, but be strict with him. Tell him to go away and sort out his family issues and until he can do so, you do not want contact with him. If you continue to stay with him in this wrong relationship, he will remain relatively comfortable. If you move away, he will be forced to do something to convince his mother; i.e talking to his other relatives to help him convince her etc. He doesnt need his mother's permission but it is always nice to have a mother's blessings right? So I can understand why he is feeling pulled in two directions. She may agree, she may not, some mothers are extremely stubborn and will emotionally blackmail. If she doesnt agree and the man can still not decide what to do, it maybe time for you to move on for good. You will need to practice alot of sabr/patience for this.

    - This man is very attached to his mother, so even if he did marry you against her wishes, his mother's behaviour may interfere in your marriage. Think it through.

    - Remember if anything makes you break the laws of Allah, it is not good for you. Keep Allah in mind and do not let your nafs cloud your judgement.

    Best Wishes,


    • dear who ever you are...dont go so hard on the girl, what she ment about intense relationship is that she can no longer imagen her self with a nother man,her hopes and dreams are all planed out with him in it and her kids as his, her heart and soul are screaming out to him,appearantly you have never loved..and if u did ..u didnt fight for it u just accepted the fact and settled with what ever you have.even if its not good,.allah said search for ur blessing's and i will bless you ......

      i vote for the girl u keep on trying to convince him to convince his family...theres nthng better than finally being in the arms of the love of your life in halaal.....

      inshaallah kheir ...

    • salam plz help me..i really liked the response of sisterz...plz help me i love a muslim guy i m a mislim too..but he is my junior...n his parents r ready...but mine are not...i love allah but i want him as my husband and move on islamic path..p;lz help me how to convince my family..

      • juhaina, please read some of the responses given to others who have similar questions. If you need a more personal reply, you can log in and write your question as a separate post.

        Wael Editor

  3. Dear sister,

    I would like to thank Sisterz’s response, i wish i had followed her advices in my own experience.

    If his mom still not agreeing and he already feels confortable in the ‘wrong relationship’, he might not tell you when he lost hope. After some time, if still no approval from his mom, he will stay in the relation and ull be assuming that you both are waiting for the approval while he lost hope. He will be ready to loose you and well prepared unlike you.
    In my case, he used to say also that he cant sleep if he knows im sad, it ended up that he saw me crying and he didn’t really care. Ended up that we arguy if i ask some updates about his family issues. He really didn’t like the subject. I can see that your partner is really caring and try to protect u. But for how long?

    I also thought we will be only for each other and we would fight for this. I was a bit naive, he knew there was no hope for months when he adviced me to meet one brother who proposed me. While me, i could not imagine each other with someone else. He said this is for my good, but at same time, he wanted also to remain in wrong relationship until i get married. i got upset and he stopped contact with me, without any sorry for everything. This is where i woke up.

    Im sorry to be tough. But this is what happened to me and to many sisters. I thought he would not be able to live without me , like you, it was beginning only. Then it happened , he just ignore my calls like i have never existed for him. Guess what? He is in deen, he prays and performed Hajj. But if we disobey to God, its harder to stay strong and think when shaytan is around playing with your mind and behaviour.

    I really advice you to stay away from this man and don’t make my same mistake. Be strict, not only with him but with yourself. You will be sure that he really want u and as ‘’Friend’’ said, some men use excuse that mom refuses .
    So don’t worry, just Pray God and whatever the result will be Good for u.
    He cant see your tears in your eyes, but what about his eyes, he should do whaetever to convince his mom, otherwise he would have tears in his eyes. I m agreed with ‘’Friend’’, if he really want you, men can convince. And if he really loves you he can marry you at the end without his mom’s agreement, he has right to marry the one he chooses but i can understand he needs her blessings. I know many couples married without mom’s agreement, the mom just had to accept it and she became happy when she sees them happy. But some moms are just stuck on their prejudgments. I was so naive, I thought he would end up with me whatever his mom's opinion, i was even thinking to be extremely good with her, taking care of her, even if she hates me. just to please God, please him and made her heart soft towards me. I was so naive.

    Keep the right path for Allah and Duas, and If he and his family deserves you, God will make the way easier for you both. If it doesnt work, means it was not meant for you.

    Listen to Allah and you will get what you deserve in this life without harm or cries.

    Best wishes.
    Ameen fe Allah

    • I m a Muslim and in love with a Muslim guy who is younger to me. I had said no to him initially because of our age difference but he kept insisting and we both had previous failed relationship hence I felt he is serious. We have been in relationship for 5years now when he spoke about us to his mother she said no because of our age difference. He spoke to my parents and they are ok
      But suddenly his mother want him to marry his sisters sister I law its like both he and his sister are marrying in same house to their cousins. He says he loves me and would leave his family to marry me. However he is not saying this to my father or his mother so that they can stop his wedding preparation. His sister is engaged for the last 5 years and now suddenly his mother wants to marry his cousin. He had refused earlier but now they are emotionally blackmailing him that if u refuse then even your sisters wedding will be cancelled. He calls me daily assures me daily but I don't know what to do. I don't want to pressurize him to marry me or want him to leave his family. But now I m being selfish I want to marry him even if he has to leave his family. With his permission I had started to prepare for my wedding since last year when we had decided to marry but suddenly things have changed now. Please guide tell me wat to do. If possible kindly message a number where I can talk as I m very upset n don't know if I wrote things I want an answer for.

      • I feel I want to commit suicide every sec of my life. We had not completely committed zina but its we have spent many nights together. I am unable to make him see that if he doesn't marry me my life is finished. How do I make him realize about his all commitments, his promises that he gave me. Tell me should I leave him then I cannot face another human being or even Allah
        so then my dying would be fitting because anyways I m feeling I m in hell
        my parents want to know what is our decision and should they start with their preparation. I can't make so many people unhappy. But if I die he can fulfill his mother's wish n my parents have other kids to be with n yes they will pray for me. I don't know what I m writing but please guide as I m very close to committing suicide.

        • Assalaamualaikam

          Sister, no matter how difficult things get in this life, suicide is never the answer. Turn to Allah, live in accordance with His guidance, and have faith in His mercy.

          No man is worth ending your life over, and you will inshaAllah heal from this and find happiness, either with this man or with another in time. Remember that Allah is The Controller of Hearts, so if He wills it, you will find love and happiness.

          If you need more advice, please submit your question as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment, so that we can publish it on the front page, inshaAllah.


  4. salamualaycum sister your problem is simular to mine and believe it or not im with the girl that i love and now happily married with a baby on the way. my girls parents wer not agreeing because i wasnt a part of there caste everyone turned me down when i tryd seeking help from them. i then started praying 5 x a day and after every namaz i asked for the girl that i love (it is not gunnah to love someone) and in time everything changed for me. sister namaz will definatly help you just pray with a clean heart and good intensions allah made us all, us the humans have created the diffrences and sister ill also pray that things go your way.

    • As salam u alaikum wa rahmatullahi w barakatuhu!!
      First of all let me congratulate for the good Allah s.w.t has blesses u in ur life!!
      "Barakallahu laka wa barakallahu laka wa alaika wa jaama'a bainakuma fee khair",May almighty reward you with good and keep you together!!

      It is so nice of you that you had just trusted almighty allah for your needs ,and here he has solved our problems !!
      I just wannna ask u one thing my dear brother in islam,How did you approach your parents ,while discussing about the girl whom you wanted to marry with, I mean how exactly you inititated the talk of the girl before your parents !!! Please let me know , I in need of your valuable suggestions!!!!! please mail me to my mail address!! or please give me your mail id if possible !!! I am in real need of your valuable suggestions!!
      May almighty bless you and reward u with Jannat-ul-firdouz!!!!

  5. salamualaikum, news from a married sister.......if your future mother in law already has so much hold over her son and is controlling his life descisions, it's better to stay awat from him. i know you love him, i know the pain, the heartbreak. i know it seems like a big deal now, i guess this is why we are not even supposed to get in a relationship in the first place, but i don't know, but this is going to be nothing compared to the pain and heartbreak that you will feel once you are married and he is supposed to trust you, love you, stand-up for you, and protect you but his behavior will show otherwise because he might take his mother's side when problems arise. i think you are unmarried and might not know the scale of such problems but these problems become so bothersome that your physical and mental health will be affected. for example, i know of mother in laws who literally curse at their grandkids or yell at the daughter in law behind the guy's back, and when the girl finally does tell her husband- he calls her a liar. even more painful is when she realizes that he knows his mother is like this because he defends other women from his mother. some mother in laws are always comparing and finding faults in the daughter in law, and even lying about them behind their backs to favor the one they like. and the guys in these situations sometimes, i know of this, start beluieving every small thing that his family says about his wife even if it doesn't make sense. he's like a robot that repeats everything mommy says without thinking. there are also many other kinds of problems.all i can say is pray and pray, and stay away from zina and haram. if he really loves you, he will not make you don haram things with him before marriage. save yourself because you might regret later since we don't know who we will actually marry. i think it's sad that two adults who love each other cannnot even marry each other because of mommy. i know a woman who has the same situation as you but she is the mother in this case. i sometimes feel bad for the son and the girl. she told me that her son likes some girl, but she has this specific type of daughter in law in mind so she cannot let her son marry the girl, even though mashallah her son likes her and she is a muslim who does hijab. the aspecifics? wears niqab, certain type of other physical and caste/personality things, and be alima so to be able to sit at home and make money for her son(she told me this thing herself). she showed her son video of such ia girl to compare with the girl he already likes and showing how beautiful she was.

  6. Dear Safina,

    Congratulations about your true love,

    You have done nothing wrong sister. You love a man who is Muslim , even if your parents refuse the marriage, They have to feel your happiness as well. When you give birth to your kids, You show them the right path yes! But to control the kid's happiness this is wrong Totally wrong. Wait till your parents approve your choice.

    In conclusion sis, I'll pray for you and I really hope that things work out for you insh'Allah... I know this situation can be terrifying and depressing, but just put all your trust in Allah (swt)- if your intentions are pure and you've exhausted all your options, He will inevitably help you in ways you wouldn't think possible. Make the most of it... abase yourself, pour your heart out to God as He is truly the best of listeners. Weep to Him and make him acquainted with every fear and pain in your heart... He will heal you.

    Do not forget, If you want this man my sister, Never give up, i have been in that way, I am married now, with a person who is converted to Islam. My parents didn't like him at all. He is american.

    Since i got married against my parents, they saw how much my husband take care of me, before i got married to my husband i prayed a lot the salat "istikhara" I saw good things on my husband in the dream.
    I married to my husband he takes great care of me, he respect and loves my parents as well. My parents now loves him so much and proud i have a good husband and for them a good son in law.

    Be strong, listen to your heart, and ask Allah help. Not people. Do not forget we are not perfect we all have bad deeds and good deeds. Only Allah can help you. Just pray for all well being for people and pray a lot for your love as well.

    Peace to all people.

    fee aman allah sister.

    May Allah showers His blessings on you.

  7. take it from me. i married someone who went against his parents wishes to marry me. this person couldn't live without me. actually try to kill himself when i said "i can't marry you when your family hates me" he went against his family & did nikkah with me.

    guess what?

    exactly after 2 months.

    he got what he wanted & now he's gone. leave me pregnant. love or whatever the hell. is CRAP. don't get married when his mother doesn't like you. because he left me to please his mother. he left a happy home. he never looked back.

    may ALLAH punish him in this life & hereafter. ameen.

    • Ameen sister he shall burn in Hell for leaving his wife and unborn child.
      I also agree with sister Z. Follow her advice because then u won't regret later.

    • Its ur fault to have chosen a man who was attracted 2 ur outside and not love u...he married u for his pleasure thats all he thinked about...2 choose a husband or wife isnt as simple as choosing a basket of vegetables that seem the best..but u dnt know how the bottom veg. in that basket are like...
      Conclusion; True love exists and a successfull relationship is acheived when two hearts truely love and loyal 2 each another..maybe marriage decreases the attraction appeal...but doesnt kill love and happiness...
      Life isn't easy as harder to make life easier.


  8. Hi
    Ur father has no right at all, he is looking for his confort and forgetting ur happiness...u need to talk 2 a shei5 and big respected people..try 2 convince him in a polite way not by fighting with him...if he is threating u to kill u as u mentioned...its either he is trying to scare u or ur father needs alot of mind stronger to help urself and dont let go of ur partner if he really deserves it.

  9. your dad's attitude is scary. have some reasonable adult talk to him asap. have someone present, another adult, when your guy does come in.
    my cousin talked to one of our aunties to convince her mom to accept the guy she liked. they have two kids now, married, third one on the way!
    my dad asked his nannie (grandma) to convince his parents to marry my mom!
    i know of a girl raised in US who was afraid her dad would lock her up in the basment if she married against his wishes.

  10. Assalamu Aleikum,

    in Islam, love marriage is not forbidden, it shouldn't be confused with mere desire, but love is an important

    fundament for a good relationship. In Islam, you are allowed to choose your partner for marriage and

    you're only supposed to obey your parents if they question the imaan of the person. This is your life,

    it's his life and insha allah they will understand that this way, they're going to lose their son. It's up to you

    to decide whom you want to marry. Don't forget that in Islam, parents are only the advisors and inter-

    mediaries, no dictators.

    Jazakallah Kheir

  11. Hi Brothere and Sisters,

    I am a hindu girl and i am in love with a muslim boy for nearly 4 years. I love him sincerely. My parents are dead. I don reaaly care about my relatives because i have crossed all my difficulties suffering pain all by myself. This guy has been my life, my world and i never missed my parents or felt orphan-like since the time i met him. He also loves me truly. But his father's health is bad now and he is really strict and stubborn that he cant accept me. I don know what to do. I cannot see him with another girl. I will rather choose to die to live without him. He is afraid he will kill his father and so he is really struggling between us. Please help us. Is there someone who can help us convince his Dad...From the beginning I am ready to become a muslim by conversion because nothing is so big to me than my love for him. I will leave anything for him but cant leave him.


  12. Aoa everyone..
    I have a dilemma here and I really hope someone can Help me around somehow.. My parents forcefully Engaged me to a person I didn't know. I accepted That. I was not happy but then eventually I found
    Out he was a really nice person and we were compatible
    After a year, just two months before my wedding
    My father broke the engagement off because he
    Wanted me to get married in his own family. Now the
    Problem is we both fell in love and are quite attached
    To each other. I tried to explain this to my father
    But he's not listening. He's just asking me to move on.
    But we can't. I am in depression and thinking about
    Quitting so can anyone please tell me what to do because
    It's unfair.

    And yes I am a Muslim girl So I have faith in Allah but you know How depression is

  13. Salaam Safina,
    Hope everything is going well for you, what is the update on your situation? I have to agree with sister Z's advice, leave this guy to sort out the issues with his family and dont continue to please him by staying in a relationship with him. Give him a wake up call and show him your a respectable girl, from a decent family and your not to be messed around with, and until he convinces his family and is ready to legalise the relationship your not going to be messed around. Not only will you be protecting yourself, but this is also a good way to judge whether he really is sincere and genuinely loves you like you do. If he obviously does, he will stick by you, and inshaAllah wont give up in convincing his parents that you are the right girl for him. Talking from personal expereince, a good friend of mine had major problems convincing her parents to let her marry a man from a different race. They both stuck by each other, and she did her best to convince her parents, while the man she loved also did his best to convince her parents that he was genuine and would take care of her. It was true love, which is why despite all the problems they remained patient and after years of convincing, their parents finally gave in and now they are very happily married mashaAllah and are expecting their first baby!! In fact, my friend is so happy that her parents actually feel rather foolish for rejecting the man in the first place. So, make it clear to him to convince his parents before the relationship continues. InshaAllah I really really hope that things work otu for youguys, but just be really careful, people can be very cruel. If he is this attached to his mum, he may decide to just end things, and seize contact with you withouth an explanation. Just keep yourself in a strong position, dont become weak if that does man deserves your tears or loss of dignity.

    • Dearest sister confusedpuzzled,
      Its really good to see your heart warming advices to people . I wonder how is your health now. How do you feel now. I hope you have moved on Inshallah.

      • Salaam Muslim,
        Thank you, I am trying in whatever way I can to stop others from making the same mistakes that I made. I havent really moved on, I am still disappointed in myself for selling myself so cheap and letting him treat me so disrespectfully. Everyday is a battle, and I feel sick when I am reminded of all the disgusting behaviour that went on between us, I feel exposed and dirty. I feel even worse when I realise he got his pleasure in using my body and then dumped me when he couldnt handle the situation and ignored all my tears and my desperate pleas to him to just protect my honour. I was very suicidal yesterday. BUT despite this, the good news is that I have learnt to carry on living my life, and at least being able to pretend ot be happy and am able overcome my urges to harm myself, and smile for my parents sake - I cant see them suffer anymore becasue of me. Please keep me in your sincerest of prayers, I want to come of this dark period, and feel normal again inshaAllah.

  14. Dear sister Safina,
    Listen to all the advices. Cease all contact with this man. Give him time to sort out his issues with his mother. Just work on your relationship with Allah(s.w.t). And always remember to please Him. Then only you can find eternal happiness Inshallah. As regards his mother and his attachment with her I have a feeling even if you two marry it will interfere in your marriage.
    All my best wishes and respect,

  15. Dear Frends, i have little dfrnt issue...

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

  16. salam
    I have been with someone for almost 7 years now and he is my cousin we got close and last year we got engaged to one another as we were related the parents had agreed alhamdulillah without any problems. however as there is so much love between us we want to do things the halal way and get married but we are both still in education. my brother is practising and he advised me to get nikah done as it wouldnt be haram to meet with him. i know the right thing to do is to actually have sabr and do dua and if allah wills we would be bought together.. but because of the family and not being able to have a halal relationship my fiance has decided for us to not have any contact with each other. i know that this is the wise thing to do but its very hurtful. our parents are so into the culture and are not doing things islamically they dont understand how much we want to be together as we are being separated from one another. we both have got good intentions but would it be haram to go behind the parents back and get married?

  17. Salam Alikum my muslim brothers and sisters

    • MissNoorii, I deleted the remainder of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  18. Asalaam.o.Alaikum brothers and sisters.
    Im muslim girl and and i love muslim boy. We had been in relation for 2 years never met eachother physically but it was started through social site and we use to talk on skype etc. (Video chatting). He tried to convinve his parents but failed. His parents dont want to accept me because of 2 reasons we met at social site and we live in diffrent regions. Even they dont want to meet my family. Even to see me. I dont know what should i do now.

  19. I am sure they will be a big help.

  20. Halo im aziz

  21. I am Hindu girl ..I love a guy very much..but my family dnt agree for marriage with him....what I doo...can I get married with him against my family

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