Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cultural parents not allowing me to marry Latino convert sister


Asalam Alaikum,

I have came to know  of a convert Muslim sister that is looking for marriage. After speaking to my mother about getting married to this convert who is  of Hispanic origin, my mother was quick to shoot down that suggestion because she is not of "our" culture. Parents definitely want was is best for their kids but we also see a big problem arising; children living up to their parents dreams as if the kids don't have dreams of their own. Anyhow, my lovely mother made another degrading statement by claiming that this girl is a fake Muslim  she wasn't born into the deen and so forth... It is quite obvious only Allah knows what is in our hearts. I think my parents have created a fairy tale wedding for me getting married to some native without acknowledging my interests.

Migrating to this beautiful country, USA, 22 years ago my parents wanted a better life for my family however they were not thinking about the assimilation of cultures. I consider myself to be an open minded American while practicing Islam faithfully. To me the only thing that exists is Islam and nothing else will separate me from my brothers and sisters of various nationality and creed.

O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honourable of you with Allâh is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa. Verily, Allâh is All-Knowing, All-Aware. (49:13)

In order for Islam to grow the way it was done 1400 years ago as an Ummah we have to strengthen our ties with our groups of people outside the deen and exemplify Islam through our actions. The Prophet Muhammad PBUH was sent as a messenger to all of mankind and his actions were a measurement of perfection. We clearly see that our beloved prophet took a Jewish lady (Safia RA) to be his wife in order to open the doors of communication between the two religions and establishing peace on earth. Our religion is of integration  may Allah help us strive to what is right!





Tagged as: , , , ,

22 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Yes, unfortunately, this seems to be a common dilemma all over the world for young Muslim men and women. It seems that you know enough of your deen to realize that you don't have to cater to a parent's preference if it's not based in Islam or is oppressive in any way. Was there any other particular advice you were seeking about your situation?

    -Amy Editor

  2. im also having this same issue about cultural backgrounds and stuff I know how you must be feeling its difficult to deal with your parents ignorance behaviour and stuff but if you really think the girl is right for you one who would keep you on your deen then keep praying to Allah that in shaa allah your parents will change their minds if they still act negative say to them you wount marry anyone else but her and get someone like an imam to talk to them about equality in islam and not to discriminate accept the person for who they are and you could tell them it doesn't matter what her past was as you say she was a convert say its not easy getting people converting to islam she has a heart she wouldn't just convert for the sake of it but for allah wount she these days I heard converts are more Islamic than the natural born muslims so I don't get why their judging her without really getting to know her.

    but in shaa allah with allah swt will anything can happen have strong faith brother and you will receive her don't give up waking your parents up keep trying and don't loose patience aswell in shaa allah greater things happen the more you wait , im waiting myself here I know my Allah sees me struggling with same situation I know ive been heard I get signs that allah has lisened but in order for the process to happen we should wait because if you go rush on things they never turn out the way you want it so why not wait for the bets things out there if you do feel shes right for you and shes worth waiting go for it.

    in shaa allah you will get her I wish you all the best in life and il remember you in my duas because I know how hard it is to deal with something like this but don't ever give up.

  3. How backwards and un-Islamic could your parents be such that in a progressive country like America they would deny their American child the chance to marry a practicing American Muslima of similar religion

  4. Assalam Walikoum brother,

    It saddens me to see how parents put their children's dreams and wishes above their own for frivolous reasons. I can tell you I am from the US but my parents are originally from Algeria. I wished to marry a convert to Islam and they disapproved due to the fact he was not Algerian. They do not look at the Islamic value but cultural wise; which is very wrong and Haram. I did end up marrying him, after many trials but up to this day my parents are very hostile towards it and have even told me to divorce him or else I am no longer their daughter.

    All I can say is, if this woman is a devoted Muslim and you two can help each other come closer to Allah and build a family based on Islam, culture has NOTHING to do with it. I urge you however for you both to pray Salat Istikhara before you go ahead and sit down with your parents one last time and explain to them your reasoning. They will one day, Inshallah with your continuous prayer, they will soften their hearts and look at the bigger picture. They are afraid of the unknown and this new person that is from a different culture but we as Muslims need to erase this tribalism and go back to our Islamic roots. Trust in Allah, pray and marry her for the RIGHT reasons. Do not stop praying for your parents brother, Dua is the most powerful thing and just know that Allah is capable of changing peoples hearts when no one else can.

    I know how hard it is, I am in the same situation. My parents wanted the dream wedding and husband for me, but what is written by Allah no one can change. Tell them by opening their arms to a convert and helping her integrate in the deen they will get double the rewards Inshallah. Start your life, maintain your relationship with your parents and Allah will take care of the rest. I wish you the best and every Muslim in the same situation, it is very tough but this is a great test from Allah SWT and we cannot turn away when we are given with the opprotunity of exercising patience. Think of it this way, if this situation did not happen, will you of gotten this close to the religion? Looking up different Hadiths and Quranic verses about marriage ? As well as increasing Salat and Dua? This is a way of Allah to test us but at the same time allowing us to increase our Imann and gain rewards Inshallah.

    I will continue to pray for you and keep us updated with your situation. May Allah guide us all and soften every believers heart.

    • Oh sister muslimah403, what you have said really touched my heart. I was and I guess I still am deeply in love with an Algerian man but he didn't want to marry me because I was not from your country. This has hurt me deeply because he did like me, he just could not look beyond my race. This devastated me and made me wonder if people from your country even allowed interracial marriages. I started to also think that the women in your country were much more better than I could ever be. It hurts my heart to see someone who feels the same way I do who is from the same country as him. It gives me hope that I am not alone and that maybe what I think is not so wrong after all.

      It shouldn't matter how we look like or where we are from, it matters that we are Muslim and that we love Allah and we are pious. My love is getting married soon to a wonderful Algerian(possibly next month) and I am still struggling to accept this. Maybe this is the best for them both. I don't know why some people are the way they are but maybe we are not meant to find out. I think that we should just focus on fixing ourselves and let other people know so they can fix themselves on their own terms.

      I sincerely hope that your parents accept your husband. I give Allah a sincere dua to make it easy for you, your husband, your family and everyone who is going through these types of situations that shouldn't even be an issue in the first place if they just accepted it the way it is, the way Allah has created us all.

      • Salam Sister,

        This is a devastating situation to be in , I know. Parents and even their children of mostly Arabs are brainwashed into thinking that only Arabs are superior, Staghfirullah. I know I have been taught ever since I was young that I will find an Algerian man and get married. I never fought it and honestly I never thought otherwise until I met my husband. We just didn't want to continue in sin so we got married. I can tell you that not ALL Algerians are like this, I know a lot of Algerian men and women married to other cultures and races all together; a lot of Europeans and now Americans. It just depends on that person's point of view and their parents I guess. My aunt and cousins are all supportive of my marriage and they are in Algeria, it is my parents who are against it and even both my uncles are married to French women. It is sad that our parents do not see the importance of happiness and compatibility instead of labeling Algerians as superior; which I can tell you is untrue.

        I can only imagine the pain you are going through. I guess you have to think of it as a blessing in disguise. If you and this Algerian man were not meant to be joined together in marriage by Allah then no matter how hard you would have tried it would not of worked out. To be honest, if he did not stand up for his belief of HIS choice of marriage and fell into the culture trap that's his loss, not yours. You deserve a husband who will stand by you and fight for you, not a grown adult who will run to his mother and father when he knows they are wrong. Just keep praying sister, Duaa is the most powerful thing a Muslim has and this is a test from Allah. We have to learn to keep ourselves away from Haram relationships and get into marriage; if you and a man are compatible don't go through the dating cycle where the Shaytan is the third wheel. Marriage is the only option for 2 people in love. Allah has a plan for you and for every Muslim who is going through a similar situation. I will keep you in my prayers Inshallah .

  5. Wa alykum Assalam,

    Respected brother in islam, Do istiqara and submit every thing to ALLAH, Don't hurt your parents at any cost, make them understand in a good way

    May The great ALLAH guide us to the right path. (Ameen)

    • We should never ever hurt our parents, but at the same time, we should fight for our rights and follow Islamic values and sometimes, unfortunately, these two beliefs/principles clash.

      Sometimes it seems that there is a message or thinking out there that goes a little like this: Parents are always right. If this were the case, all a person has to do to become always right, is to become a parent. That doesn't make sense to me.

      Some people do not uphold many Islamic values, but are still Muslim. Some of those people end up becoming parents. They then have children who follow Islam more than the parents--this clash is a test for the child to follow their deen, whilst taking care of their parents, speaking to them humbly/kindly, fulfilling their duties--but not comprising on their belief system. We really have to be careful about this and understand the difference--because further to this, some people even have non-Muslim parents, but STILL we have to fulfill all obligations to our parents; NOT follow their beliefs just because they are parents.

  6. I am very upset when I read this because I see that the majority of the questions young people have are the same type of questions over and over again. It is about parents making it difficult for their children to get married. Why are parents making it so difficult for us all? May Allah forgive them because it should not be easier to sin than to do something halal. If you do not let your children marry who they want to marry (Islamically) then you are encouraging them to fall in to sin.

    I ask everyone to make a sincere dua to Allah to make this test easier on the OP and to us all who are struggling with this problem (and every other kind of problem) and allow us to be merciful to our own children. Ameen.

    "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small." [Quran; Surah Al-Isra, Verse 24]

  7. assalam'alaikum,
    Yes it is quite sad that Asian parents misuse their position to dictate their children. unfortunately for them their children never grow enough to make important decisions as this one, even if they are 30 or 40. I remember one boy was weeping in my class, it was a rare sight so we were naturally curious. Although we tried our best to find out what was happening in the farthest end of the class, we only figured what his problem was the not day. A lot of people thought his sob story was quite an anti climax but to me it was a tragedy, a bitter irony, a sad fate of every youth. He was barely 17 at that time and his parents wanted to get him engaged to some1 he didn't like and when he expressed his reluctance, he parents instead of accepting it warned that he will be grounded for rebelling. Their argument was '' you can wear and eat of your choice but we will decide whom you marry''. I was like wow! seriously? how about telling them, you decide what I eat or wear but let me pick my partner instead. Not a bad deal.

    This is a serious problem. if your half deen will be made such a burden to you,how tough will your journey get? sometimes I think its a cycle. Their parents dictated their will and deprived them of their rights so now its all down to you. Someone has to break this cycle but the point is can you do that without
    hurting them?

    first of all you need to ask yourself some questions and Be honest.
    1 what are your expectations from you future spouse?
    a. Are you specifically looking forward to marry a convert?
    b. what are the reasons that make you want to marry a convert? specific looks of a certain race or some specific cultural reference, for Allah's pleasure etc.

    2. how much do you know about this sister besides the fact that she is a convert from a Hispanic origin and that she is looking for a Muslim husband?

    3. Do you have the special interest in her because of some specific quality that is on your top list of criteria for your future spouse? or that you have just assumed that she has it?

    4. How are your relations with your parents? have they been supportive with you in the past or have they always been difficult ? have they tried to explain to you thair genuine concerns regarding this sister or does it really looks like they are on the Asian parents' infamous ego trip?

    5. where are you going to stay with your wife after your marriage?

    6. R your parents so rigid that they could actually break their relationship with you for hurting them?

    Depending on how you feel, you can approach the problem like this

    1. Get to know her well enough eg how long she has been a convert and how much she understands the religion and most importantly what convinced her to convert?
    2. find out if she is interested in marrying you, also let her know that your parents are skeptical and will need some time to get convinced. If she is equally interested in you then she will cooperate. chances are that she might not like to marry into and unfriendly family. it depends on her preference. for some women family approval from the man's side is very important.
    3. arrange your meeting with you parents if they are not prejudiced or else let your imam talk to them in order to convince them or counsel them.
    4. let your parents know about the your preferences and hence why you want to marry her. Make it clear to them that you don't want to marry anyone from your native country and for what reasons so that if you marry this sister they should not harbor any hatred or bitterness for her due to the assumption that if she didn't exist your spouse would have been of their choice.

    At the end make sure whatever effort you put into marrying this sister, make sure its all worth it and she values it.
    Technically you can marry anyone of your choice irrespective of the fact whether your parents like her or not but plz for the sake of their love for you I urge you to not trample over their hearts. Try you best to exhaust every amicable solution b4 you have your way.

    when a problem becomes so common that it cannot be restrained within the walls of one home it ceases to be a personal problem. This egotistical issue is a social one. why don't we come together to break this cycle of unreasonable dictatorship? we need more public speakers to address this issue under this light of Islam. we need to bridge the wide gaps between the generations in the Muslim ummah by coming together on one public platform. Before we accept the converts in our families we will have to accept our own children, their views and ideas. acknowledge their preferences. we need public discussions between groups of these 2 generations.. . debates and whatever it needs.

    Ok now I have a problem here.
    this morning when I had my hair left open my 2 yr old yelled and screamed and brought down the house till I could find my band to tie it up and now all hell has broken loose coz he doesnt like my ponytail.
    Phew ! who says only Asian parents dominate? 🙁

    • Haha, may Allah reward you for your input and wisdom. I find everythig you say to be true subhanallah. MayaAllah guide this ummah to what it used to be during the golden era.

  8. salaams,

    alhumdulilah you would marry a revert gladly..too many sisters new to islam dont have a support system to get married or have a hard time getting married...I say, go for your parents will come around...i am in a interracial marriage...and i hate to say it because we are all products of ALLAH SWT...and there are various examples of different marriages between people of different clans in the glorious Quran.. ITS SAD..its like people carry the quran and claim to be muslims but dont embody the meaning of all..

    Look i am married to a lebanese and im african british born( AND AS AN AFRICAN ..we are normally at the BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM POLE as far as marriage proposals are concerned.) first his family especially mum as in your case TREATED ME HORRIBLY! ..but things have gotten better alhumdulilah. after five kids ..and lots of arguments LOL .i think it was fear of the takes time..things arent perfect but its hard for them to adjust to what they have been taught to fear or are ignorant too.We all pray in the same direction, we all sweat, we all have the same blood...its tribalism and its BAD!

    if SHE is of a good character marry her. its not your mums life its yours

  9. brother, its so sad to see how your parents are such racist.

    its a very huge mistake for your mum to call this latino revert a fake musim simply because she coverted to islam. out of kindness and respect, you should tell s your mum (or anyone that think reverts are fake muslim) that this latino might even be more pious that her (your mum), she might be adhering to the teachings of islam even more that her (your mum). and for that, the latino might even be more cherished and adored by Allah more than the way she (your mum) is cherished or adored.

    islam recommend you to disobey you parents if they command you to commit shirk, or disobey ALLAAH.

    for muslims, Allah and HIS rasull (muhammad pbuh) comes first before anything. if your parents command you to do something which is halal, then you are being comanded by Allah to obey your parents. but if your parents tell you to disobey Allah, or to do something which is contrary to the teachings of muhammad pbuh, then you SHOULD NOT obey your parents.

    clearly, racism and considering reverts as fake muslims is against islaam and its exactly against the teachings of muhammad pbuh.

    so, islamically, you can choose not to obey you parents, and by doing so, you are doing the right thing.

    more so, by marrying this revert, you are actually going to be helping her to integrate into the deen, and thats a jihad on your part.

    be strong brother, no one should dictate your life for you. so go ahead with the marriage even if your parents dislike it. they would actually learn to accept it in the near future.

    • You are right about racism and that we must accept converts wholeheartedly. surely Allah knows what he bestows upon those who reject falsehood and accept Islam for His sake. its is so unfortunate that born Muslims don't even realize what struggle converts go through socially and emotionally in this whole process. May Allah bring us out of the trap of self righteousness.

      Brother your comment reminded me of the hadith that I had read long ago as a forward. although I just found it on my phone but AllahI'm still looking for its source and I will be glad if some1 could produce it so my heart would find some peace. My advise would have been slightly different yesterday to this brother if you would have commented b4 me. I hope what I'm about to share helps him to make the right decision and also helps all those who find themselves on a similar situation.

      A person once approached the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and said: '' I have an old father and mother, who due to attachment towards me, are not keen for me to go to jihad'' . Hearing this, the noble prophet (pbuh) said '' if such is the case then stay with your parents for, by the one in whose control lies my soul, their attachment of one day and one night to you is better than one year of jihad''

      Subhanallah!! if this hadith is authentic then we can understand how much Allah has stressed upon their obedience. That one can not even disobey them for JIHAD.

      I cannot help but imagine the desperation that man must have come to the beloved prophet with, in hope that he will call his parents and counsel them or change their minds but instead of any of that this is what he had to do. Accept their will over his ultimate desire to fight along the Messenger and his companions in one of the wars that was about to make the history of Islam, that he missed the chance to be amongst those lucky men who were getting all set and ready with all the gusto. planning their strategies and getting their horses and camels ready. you can imagine the energy over there and this person who feels trapped because of his parents. All alone,disappointed and detached from the excitement that he was supposed to be part of.

      These men had the highest level of taqwa and they were always looking for chances to prove themselves better in the eyes of Allah. they were always dreaming of dying as a martyr and this chance, probably the only one for him was lost due to his parents.

      I'm so sure that though he was shattered he obeyed his parents for the sake of RasoolAllah and the the sake of Allah mostly. Lets not forget that his parents belonged to one of the Arab tribes who were used to the idea of war since they often fought amongst themselves and watching their.sons or fathers or husbands or brothers leave with their swords was not exactly a rare sight so this should seem so unreasonable for this man. I'm sure he didn't even snap at them by saying ''stop whimpering you guys coz I'm going for Allah. Bye. ''

      rasoolallah is not amongst us now to show us the right path but Allah has not stopped guiding us. We will be guided as long as we look for solutions in the quran and hadith.
      if this brother was to ask him for the solution of his problem, I think I know what he would have said.

      May Allah guide us all. Ameen.

      • That hadith you posted is from the 'Shia' collection of hadith 'Bihar Al Anwar' and so its authenticity is unknown.

        There are other hadith like,

        Narrated 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al Aas,

        A man said to the Prophet, "Shall I participate in Jihad?" The Prophet said, "Are your parents living?" The man said, "Yes." the Prophet said, "Do Jihad for their benefit." (Sahih Bukhari)

        'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al 'Aas said,

        There came to Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) a person and said: I owe allegiance to you for migration and Jihad seeking reward only from Allah. He (the Holy Prophet) said: Is one from amongst your parents living? He said: Yes, of course, both are living. He further asked: Do you want to seek reward from Allah? He said: Yes. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Go back to your parents and accord them benevolent treatment. (Sahih Muslim)

  10. of course obedience to parents is an obligation for all muslims. Allah has commanded that we should worship HIM alone, and we should be dutiful to our parents

    "whoship Allah and join none with HIM (in worship); and do good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, the needy, the neighbour who is near of kin, the neighbour who is stranger, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (you meet), and those (slaves) whom your right hand posses. verily, Allah does not like such as are proud and boastful". koran4:36

    "and your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. and that you be dutiful to your parents. if one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespct, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour" koran17:23

    but there is restriction in this. you are only to obey your parents if the ask your to do what is halal in islam. if your parents ask you to disbey Allaah or His massanger (muhammad pbuh), them YOU MUST NOT obey them.

    "and we have enjoined on man to be dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knwledge, (or the ask you to disobey Me), then obey them not. to Me is your return and i shall tell you what you used to do". koran29:8

    racism and looking down on people are among what Allah has forbiden for muslims. Allah also side He created us in different nations and tribes so that we may recognize each other and not because we should despise each other.

    the prophet muhammad pbuh tought us that whether you are a born muslim or a revert., or whether your skin colour is black or white or yellow or brown or pink (oh sorry, are there pink or yellow humans? lol!), the best among the humans are certainly those that worship and fear Allah the most.

    whether you are arab or a jew or you speak hindi, or urdu or punjabi or africans or hausa or fulani or yoruba. or you are a french or english or spanish, or a russian or chinise or american. . whether you are rich or semi rich, or middle class or poor, WHOEVER or whatever you are; the most beloved, the most cherished and the most seperior people in the sight of Allah are those that are most pious, and those that worship and remember Allah the most.

    so as a parent who is obedient to Allah, why would you reject a woman your child wants to marry simply because because the person your child wants to marry is a muslim revert, or simply because you are not of thesame tribe???

    if the parents have a genuine reasons, reasons like there son wants to marry a kafirah (nonmuslim) in her state of disbelieve, and the lady is not ready to compromise or at least look into islam with open mind, and they fear there son might slowly fall into kurf and lose his faith in islam, or they fear she might influence him to become a weak muslim, or she might influence the kids with her kurf believes.
    or the lady/man there child wants to marry is a highly immoral person or a sinner and he's/she's not ready to compromise his/her behaviour. the parents can reject the marriage offer base on these grounds, and the son has no any option but to obey his parents, if indeed he wants Allah to be pleased with him.

    but the parent have no good reasons whatsoever to stop there son from marrying a woman simply because she is a revert or from another tribe. and the child can choose not to obey his/her parents in this regard. and he would be doing the right thing if he/she choose not to obey the parents , if they seek to prevent him from marriage on the basis of racism.

    so to the op,

    you said this woman reverted to islam on her own, and she is looking farward to getting married to a pious brother after her convertion to islam.
    she seems to be a good woman and she is true to her deen. she might have some lapses because she just reverted to islam and it might take time for some reverts to get use to the islamic way of life- the salat, modest dressing etc. (specially considering the social wag life they just left behind). so clearly, she would need a true muslim like you.

    if you feel you are attracted to this woman, if you feel you are both compatable, you love her and she feels the same for you, then i suggest you marry her. perhaps she's been discriminated by her nonmuslim falimy because of her islamic believes. by marrying this woman, you are going to be creating an islamic environment for her and her kids. this is your jihad brother, Allah is going to reward you aboundantly.

    the imam in your mosque can serve as her wali. again, the nikah can be done with or without your parents involvement.

    be strong brother and take the right decision

  11. My mom is refusing marriage of someone I had a relationship with however converted into Islam. My mother is claiming that the girl is a fake Muslim and all she wants is to capture me in a sense. Plus having kids with her will be a problem due to her Hispanic family influence on the children. I have tried talking to her about her concerns and reassure her that I have full trust in Allah. I performed salat istikhara and feel ready to commit to this marriage. I spoke to the girl about certain obstacles in life and how she would deal with them, I came to a conclusion she is the lady I would want to take. Any ideas how I can come across to my mom? I feel she has preconceived ideas that she strongly holds on to.


    • I would say you should continue talking to your mother about the Muslim girl till the final point, and try all you can to convince her. If she didn’t agree just go on and marry the Muslimah. Before that you should let your Mum know that you are planning to do it alone without her support, and that she should have much time to think about it, as you do not even need her approval in the first place, but it’s just a way of showing respect to our mothers.

      What is there to fear about after putting all your trust in Allah brother, which has been the most difficult part for many people?!

      May Allah soften your mother's heart to support you in this matter, and may He make your unity with the Muslimah, a blessed one and accepted in His sight! Ameen.

  12. Just remember if your parents are not strictly upon the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (saw), you do not have to obey them in matters of the deen. Be nice and respect them but follow what Allah and His Messenger has give you. All those pride of nationalism and tribalism will lead people to the hellfire.

  13. Salam,

    I am an Hispanic revert married to a born Muslim from Pakistan that was raised here. I actually reverted before we got married. His famy didn't agree at first but he found a way to talk to them. They got to know me a little bit before we got married and my parents. Now we are living with his parents and they treat me like one of there own.

    What I'm trying to say is you know your parents, find a way to talk to them and if possible have them get to know her if this is what you both truly want. If it's Allah (SWT) for you to be together Insha'allah it will be.

    The best of luck!

Leave a Response