Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents will kill me if they find out about my boyfriend

unexistent relationship, shadows,

I need advice with my love problem, please help me and give advice. I have a boyfriend and I have been in a relationship with him for 1 year and 4 months. I love him so much, and he love me too. But one thing I'm scare of is if we can't be together in the end because my parents don't allow me to.

I have a boyfriend during education time. I'm a student.  I'm a senior, and he is older than me. I'm 18 and he's 23 years old, so our ages are different. If my parents find out about our relationship, I'd be dead because they don't allow me to have a boyfriend. I'm above 18, but I can't do anything cause I'm under my parent's rule. Me and him met on Facebook. We both love each other so much, but I'm scared that if my parents find out that I have a boyfriend they will kill me.

-So Fia

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27 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You wrote:

    I'm scared that if my parents find out that I have a boyfriend they will kill me.

    Sister, this is the essence of your problem. Right now you are driven by what you want and the only thing that scares you is not getting what you want.

    Please understand that any relationship between a girl and boy is haram. Allah swt will be angry with you, which would weigh far greater in your conscience than the reaction of your parents--and even that I don't think you fear, it is ultimately not getting what you want that you fear.

    The other problem is you have met this boy on facebook and claim that you both love one another. Let me tell you a little about true love and respect. If this boy truly felt that way about you, he wouldn't entertain talking to you ever alone, he would simply approach your father like a real man and ask for your hand in marriage. It is that simple. As Muslims, we investigate proposals before marriage with the assistance of our families (or community if need be), and when there is approval, the boy and girl have a Nikaah and move on in their lives in a halal fashion.

    I suggest that you stop sneaking behind your parents back. Tell the boy that the haram relationship is over in which you are also responsible and that you and him should both repent. Also, tell him, if he is serious, he will speak to your wali, man to man, and marry you with no further nonsense.

    Love is not stirring up desire and sending one another secret messages of empty promises--love is having the courage to do the right thing and taking steps to make you his wife in the public eye because in the latter, love is represented through accountability.

    May Allah make happen what is best for you, Ameen.

  2. There is a solution to your problem dear! all you have to do is to break up with your boyfriend. Im not sure if you are aware that boyfriend girlfriend relationship are haram (forbidden) in islam, so nothing good will come out if you both continue to be together. If he really loves you, tell him to come to your house and ask your dad for your hand in marriage, if he doesn't want to just leave him. After your nikkah you still can live at your parents and continue with your education until you both can afford your own place

  3. First of all, incontrary of some others' say. All kind of boy and girl relation is not forbidden in İslam.
    Zina (fornication) is forbidden in İslam.
    Saying "All kind of boy and girl relation is forbidden in İslam" means the same of the action "We will cut your arm in case you may steal something and be thief"

    As a girl father and 20 years of ACTING Quran reader. I am saying this: After a certain age (18 is good one) my girl is free to have a relation with a boy who has serious intention to Marry with her.

    As a father here are my rules:

    1- It is really obvious that a girl can easly decide whether she loves a boy (enough to get marry) or not even at first glance. Therefore there is no need for sexual interaction between them (against what is implied in hollywood movies).
    2- If I evaluate the boy qualifed as broom, Because it is not easy for a boy and girl to keep themselves away from each other I encourage them get marry as soon as possible. And help them to marry.

    and if they have to wait because of some reasons (financial or something) I will read them this ayah
    Nur 33: Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah gives them means out of His grace.
    And ofcourse I will expect to obey it, as Muslims.

    But never call my girl or his qualifed boy friend as Devils just because they love each other...

    • correction:
      Therefore there is no need for sexual interaction between them (against what is implied in hollywood movies) to get to know each other.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Your post has confused me a little. Are you saying that you would approve of dating and pre-marital relationships?

      There is a big difference between getting to know someone within Islamic limits in order to consider a proposal, and having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • I just say saying "all kind of relationships between boy an girl is forbidden and haram" pushs all muslims over the edge and through them to the sin ocean.

        And my message was very clear.
        if you are in the age of marriage, if you find someone you love with phisically and spiritually, be serious (have intention to get marry), love each other, don't have sex and be patient untill Allah give you the opurtinity of marriage, and force every possibilities to get marry as soon as possible.
        But I don't say "breake up with the one you love (hopefully also a good muslim)) because it is haram.

        • What are the Islamic conditions (the limits of Allah) for the relationship between a man and a woman who are both interested in marrying each other? If they are not allowed to have sex before marriage, are they allowed to do other things like going out and being together alone, before marriage?

          • Allah sent 4 big holly books.
            However the biggest holly book is Furkan (Furkan is not; another name of Quran). (Ali imran 3-4, Enbiya 48, Furkan 1). Furkan means "determination ability" in Arabic. That is the ability of Human to determine what is wrong and what is right.
            Furkan is in your heart and when ever you look into it you will find the truth.
            Of course if you really want to find the truth (and you don't want to cover reality to find an excuse to do a sin)
            and if you have a good intention.

            So look into your heart I swear it will tell you the truth.
            Don't strict yourself to rules which are put by others (other humans like you).
            React to live alive not delayed broadcast.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            My understanding is that there are clear guides in the Quran and ahadith regarding how men and women should interact, which we should try to follow. For example, not dressing or acting flirtatiously/provocatively; not spending time in 1:1 situations (to avoid shaitan being the third party in the room); no unnecessary physical contact; speaking respectfully, etc.

            The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) advised that a man considering marriage should at least meet and see his potential bride, so there is precedent for two people to spend some time getting to know each other before marriage. I don't think many people would encourage a couple to marry if they haven't at least met and decided for themselves that they want to marry. But there's a big difference between getting to know someone and dating them; I think we need to be clear that it's not appropriate for people to date.

            My personal view is that we should try to follow the examples given to us in the Quran and ahadith, to the best of our abilities. I'm not aware of any hadith encouraging dating or being alone together prior to marriage, but I do know several advocating that men and women should not engage in private/intimate interactions outside of marriage.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • I was wondering the same thing that Sr. Midnightmoon said and I don't think your message is very clear at all--you seem to be suggesting that a boy and girl can have a relationship outside of marriage because you said "In contrary to others..."

          I think we can all agree that a boy and a girl can meet with the intention of marriage in a public setting with their family members involved every step of the way, but if it goes to the point that feelings of love are developed between the two, something isn't quite right--it usually means that there have been private interactions OR that Nikaah is being delayed--Yes, a person might end up having feelings for someone outside of marriage--but then after this point it is critical that either marriage occurs OR they completely do not pursue an further relationship--any third option would most likely be a destructive choice.

          • Still I defend the same thing
            you are too much rulists (rule based thinking).
            If you love a girl, if you are a honorable man who even can not think harm to your love, meeting her in public or not is not important.

            You have to realize that you drown people in rules.
            Let them live with honor. It is enough. They will find the truth don't worry.

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Fatih,

          The Divine Scriptures have many different names and attributes, such as the Criterion/ al-Furqan (which is to separate between the truth and falsehood), the Illumination (for complex issues), the Clear Portents of guidance (which makes clear what is halal and what is haram) , the Reminder (for the righteous), the guidance (for humanity in areas of Aqeedah/beliefs) etc. All those names and attributes have their roles in the same Divine Scriptures.

          For example,

          “We gave Moses and Aaron the Criterion, and illumination, and a reminder for the righteous.” ( 21:48) Allah referred to the Torah as al-Furqan, and then attached two attributes to it (illumination, and a reminder). And in another Ayah (Quran 2: 53) "And recall that We gave Moses the Scripture and the Criterion, so that you may be guided.", Allah referred to the Torah as the Scripture and the al-Furqan at the same time. When one is not careful, he might think that the Scripture mentioned in the Ayah is different from the al-Furqan. However, part of the wisdom in attaching the al-Furqan to the Scripture, is to explain that it is not just any Scripture, but also a al-Furqan/Criterion that separates between the truth and falsehood.

          In the first Ayah of surah al-Furqan/the Criterion (Quran 25:1), "Blessed is He who sent down the Criterion/ al-Furqan upon His servant, to be a warning to humanity." Allah referred to the Holy Quran as al-Furqan. The wisdom behind referring it as al-Furqan in this Ayah, is very clear in the same Ayah or the surah as a whole, to those who grasp the wisdom.

          To make things clear for you my dear brother, please read the Ayah 185 in surah al-Baqarah. Allah subhanah wa ta'ala says "Ramadan is the month in which the Quran was revealed. Guidance for humanity, and clear portents of guidance, and the Criterion."

          Meaning, the Holy Quran was revealed, as a guidance for humanity, which tackles the areas of beliefs, and as clear portents of guidance, which tackles the areas of halal and haram, and as the main criterion/principle/scale that differentiates between the truth and falsehood in general.

          In Ayah 3 to 4 in Surah Ali-imran, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says, “He sent down to you the Book with the Truth, confirming what came before it; and He sent down the Torah and the Gospel. Aforetime, as guidance for mankind; and He sent down the Criterion/ al-Furqan. Those who have rejected God's signs will have a severe punishment. God is Mighty, Able to take revenge.”

          I can understand why you misunderstood the meaning of al-Furqan in the above Ayah, as it is being mentioned after the mentioning of the three Scriptures (The Holy Quran, Torah, and Gospel). Though, some scholars interpreted the al-Furqan here as az-Zaboor (Psalms), because it was full of waking people up by separating between the truth and falsehood, however, the majority of scholars agreed upon that the al-Furqan here is universal, and it covers both the mentioned scriptures (in the Ayah) and those unmentioned scriptures-- this way of speech is known in the Arabic language (like to start by listing some things as an example of the universal thing, and then follow it by mentioning the universal itself, which is usually done in the opposite way in other languages), and there are many examples of this kind of speeches in many Arabic poetries, and in the Holy Quran itself. Please see some examples below from the Holy Quran, and reflect on them.

          24. Let man consider his food.

          25. We pour down water in abundance.

          26. Then crack the soil open.

          27. And grow in it grains.

          28. And grapes and herbs.

          29. And olives and dates.

          30. And luscious gardens.

          31. And fruits and vegetables.
          32. Enjoyment for you, and for your livestock.

          (Quran 80 :24-32)

          In conclusion, it should be clear that the al-Furqan mentioned in the Holy Quran is a general name of the divine scriptures, given to the messengers of Allah (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon them all), with which they guide people and separate between the truth and falsehood.

          The al-Furqan for our Ummah today, is the Holy Quran, and the Quran orders us to follow the Sunnah as well—therefore, the Quran and Sunnah are our Furqan, not our hearts and desires or any whispers of shaitan.

          As for what is in the heart, it is the beams that are resulted from following the Furqan (the Quran and Sunnah), which lead the devout servants of Allah to understand many realities/truths/wisdoms behind what Allah Has forbidden, and what He Has approved—this increases them in iman and yaqeen, and make them strong in obeying Allah (the Quran and Sunnah) wholeheartedly.
          -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          According to the Holy Quran and Sunnah, a boy and a girl are not allowed to be alone, even if they do not have the intention of zina. And even if they did not commit zina, it is still haram, because the Ayah says don’t come near zina, and dating (regardless of whether sex is involved or not) is part of coming near zina. Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala says “And do not come near adultery. It is immoral, and an evil way.” (Quran 17: 32)

          The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “…Behold! A man is not alone with a woman but the third of them is the Shaitan. ..” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2165)

          If the boy and the girl are interested in marrying each other, the proper Islamic way is for the boy to approach her family and ask for her hands in marriage. They can be allowed to meet and talk while being watched by the girl's family/Wali—they are not allowed to be alone in a room or go out alone, based on the above mentioned Ayah and the Sahih hadith.

          Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.

          • isaah first, write messages short enough to be read
            As I will do.
            I will say just one ayah:
            Ali İmran 3:
            He (Allah) sent book (Quran) to you he sent tourah and bible before... and he sent Furkan.
            this ayah clearly shows that Furkan refered seperatly from other books.
            All your comments are just comment

          • Assalaamualaikam

            JazakAllah khair, brother Issah. I particularly appreciate the way in which you provide authentic evidence for your points, so readers can see where your conclusions are drawn from and read for themselves.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • Jazaakillahu khair Sister. I am glad to know that the message was delivered, Alhamdulilah.

          • JazakAllah Br. Issah for the in-depth explanation.
            _____________________________________________________

            Br. Fatih,

            You are misleading the OP & others with your comments regarding pre-marital relationships by not specifically mentioning the guidelines in which a man and woman (non-Mahram to one another) can meet/talk.

            No one is saying that a man and woman can't talk with one another prior to marriage--but Islamic Etiquette and Adab must be observed and clearly the OP has not followed it.

            Even you wrote above:

            As a girl father and 20 years of ACTING Quran reader. I am saying this: After a certain age (18 is good one) my girl is free to have a relation with a boy who has serious intention to Marry with her.

            Then, according to you, this girl was wrong because she is 18 now, and her bf is 23, which means 1 year and 4 months before she could have been 16 (if she hasn't been 18 for more than 4 months of course) and the boy 21.

            How would any man like their 16 year old daughter talking to a 21 year old man and then continuing that secret relationship for (almost) 1.5 years? Just the thought of it makes me nauseated.

            Does a responsible good-intentioned man engage in a secret relationship with a girl over FB for this long?

            I think we know the answers to these questions.

          • You also realize that, if she had bad intention she wouldn't ask the question in here.
            If he (boy friend) had bad intention after 1.4 year he would already had sexual intimacy with this girl. And this girl's question would start like this "I had sin..."

            Obviously these 2 loves each other with clean feelings. However you try to cut them of because of your "rule shaped thinkings"

            I am against this. if They cut their relationship just because of your rule shaped comments they will both suffer for rest of their lives.

            And you still blame me to miss lead people.

            You miss lead people and let them suffer... you correct yourselves.

            P.S: I said 18 is good that doesn't mean 16 is bad. Considering our Prohet's hadith (Hurry for 3 things: Pray salath in time, do funeral of dead, marry your doughters) nowadays school education does not alow girls to marry in early ages. However if a girl is mature enough physically and mentally I am also okay with 16. You can be sure about it.

            In my opinion nowadays because of difficulty of marriages Muslim youth suffer from being alone. I wish I could let marry all young people when ever they feel they are ready.

          • fatih, the "rules" of Islam are there to protect people, not to deny them pleasure. For example, by following the rules about non-mahrem men and women not being alone in a room, not having any physical contact, and not discussing anything inappropriate, people are protected from falling into zinaa.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • for Wael's message
            interesting.
            Especially when you do such a speech to do one who avoided zina more than sum of the people avoided in this forum.
            I am blessed with handsome face and sportive body and documented intelligence.
            There were hundreds of girls ready to do what I want.
            in years I went to England, Germany, Italy, Ukraina and America there were more than hundred girls ready to do what I want. And all the girls I met except involved ones offered me. (sometimes even married ones)
            And I wanted them more than they wanted me. They were really curved ones.
            There are still hundreds of them.

            And I am still here without zina.

            So, don't talk theoretically to me. I know what is zina and how to avoid it.

            this is my last message in here. I am going out following this message. I gave my message clearly.

          • Br. Mehmetfatih / Fatih,

            This isn't about you and the hundreds of women falling at your feet.

            The point isn't age, the point is secret relationships outside the boundaries of Islam. Either she tells the man to man-up and speak to her father OR if he doesn't follow through, stop all private communication with him. There isn't a 3rd option.

  4. Sister,

    From your post, it is rather clear you consider your parents to be the root of the problem when it comes to your relationship with your boyfriend. This relationship, regardless of whether it is platonic or not, is haram in Islam, and as such, you should totally back away from further engaging with him.
    Your attempts to cover up this affair from your parents indicates you fear your parents more than you fear ALLAH, and we don't want that to be the case do we...After all, there's a world after this one.
    Given the situation, he might consider waiting for sometime, and approach your parents when the times is right, and you almost certainly will be waiting for that. PLEASE SISTER, BELIEVE ME, every relationship that starts on facebook (or any other chatting or dating site for that matter), is meant to remain there, for embodying hopes that this relationship can turn into a romantic love affair is rather imbecile. After all, such relationships can only ever be quixotic. A relationship is established (in a halaal way ofcourse) by trust, maturity, and above all LOVE. And by love, I mean TRUE LOVE. Clearly, all these are missing in your affair, and it is rather obvious this is all a result of immaturity of losing oneself to infatuation.
    THEREFORE, it is imperative you stop right where you are, and consider your situation from a pragmatic perspective, while taking into account you parents and ofcourse, the QUR'AN AND SUNNAH.

  5. I absolutely agree with what they say! And remember to pray to Allah. No matter what, He is always there to help you as soon as you call to Him for comfort.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    If by "they will kill me" you mean that you genuinely fear for your life and physical safety, then it's important to seek help and find a safe place. In such a situation, you might want to speak with a trusted teacher/tutor, or someone else who is impartial and in a position of responsibility, such as your doctor or a women's charity.

    If instead you mean that they will be angry and might tell you off or ground you, then it's important to be clear that that is the case.

    If you and this boy wish to be together in a halal relationship, then he (and/or his family) should approach yours with a proposal - you and your parents can then consider the proposal and decide what action to take from there. If you and your parents agree to accept the proposal, that's great. If the boy isn't prepared to do this, then you're more than likely better off without him; if a guy isn't willing to step up and do things in a halal way, then he isn't worth wasting any more time on. If your parents refuse for non-Islamic reasons (eg caste, skin colour, nationality), then there are additional options for you and you could discuss the matter with your imam to see if he can convince your parents, or even act as your wali should they maintain such an opinion.

    A proposal and nikah wouldn't necessarily mean moving in together straight away, or starting "proper married life". Many young couples will continue to live separately for a short period after the nikah, for example in order to complete studies or to secure some financial security, so there wouldn't be a rush to move in. What a nikah would mean is that your relationship would be halal and you could spend time together openly and in an Islamic relationship.

    Premarital intimate relationships (emotional or physical) aren't appropriate in Islam, as they go against teachings of modesty and avoiding zina (remember that zina isn't just sexual intercourse - there are many types of zina). So, it's important for you and this boy to repent for any transgressions of boundaries, and take steps to ensure they don't happen again.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. Firstly if he is serious about you to come to your parents house asking for your hand in marriage.

    Secondly if he loves you he will do the decent thing to be a man and confess in wanting to be with you to your parents.

    Thirdly stop all the contact sneaking and lying. 1 year and 4 months is enough time to be with someone to know there true colors or intentions. To me it seems your not taking this seriously your actions have consequences and 99% of the time men know they can use a women and dump her like nothing happen.

    Lastly you tell your parents tell them what you want. If you had the guts to contact this man through facebook have the GUTS to tell your parents they deserve to know. Give your b/f an ultimation. Also you do realise b/f and g/f relationships are forbidden in Islam and this is why. So face up to your parents you owe them this respect and at least have RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.

  8. In my opinion you can date him as long as he isn't a disgusting and vile person,thehadith is wrong about arranged marriages are the solution. You can date even Jews date and marry so can we Muslims as long as we keep the relationship halal.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Where is the evidence to support your position? When we make claims such as saying that a hadith is wrong, it is vital for us to have evidence of this, otherwise we are risking denying the guidance of The Prophet (peace be upon him) and therefore Allah. May Allah protect us from such acts.

      The idea of dating being acceptable in Islam is a new one to me. There is a big difference between dating and getting to know someone with a view to deciding on whether you wish to marry them. Most people would agree that it is sensible to spend some time learning about a potential spouse and having some halal meetings with them to ensure that the two of you are compatible, but I don't think many people would endorse casual dating. If you have evidence to support your viewpoint, please let us know about it, but if not, we need to be very careful about making statements that contradict established practice.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • In my opinion you can date him as long as he isn't a disgusting and vile person

      Disgusting and vile people do not wear a label clearly identifying themselves for the world. If they did, it would make choosing a spouse very easy!

      It is best to stick to Islamic guidelines when two people are interested in each other which means involving family and community and not meeting alone.

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