Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents won’t accept my nikah because of my husband’s race.

mercy nikah

I recently did my nikkah behind my parents back. I am 25 and Bengali and my husband is Pakistani.

i have now told my parents that I did my nikkah but they will not accept it just because he is Pakistani. 

I have tried so hard to educate my parents on what's basis of islam but they just are in complete denial!

I love my parents and I am currently living with them as I would like to do things properly and as it said in one Hadith that we can get married if our parents don't agree with a legitmate reason (if the reason is not islamic the nikkah is valid) but it also states do not cut ties with ur relations. So I am genuinely trying to make things work as I don't want to divorce.

im trying my best to make them understand but now my father is saying that they will find me a Bengali guy to get married to even tho I'm already married! And they told me to forget about my husband because my nikkah isn't valid because "they weren't there as my wali" I have already certified my nikkah with a mufti and maulanaa but my parents still won't accept.

Please advise on what I should I have left it to Allah I always cry during sajda but if someone can give me some advise it will ease my heart. I dont and can't get married to another man I have to do something before its to late and I want to refrain my parents and I from commiting such sin.

also if I have NO choice other than leaving my husband for the sake of my parents happiness I would have to divorce my husband is this allowed in islam?

also my parents think I have had black magic done to me " that's why I married my Pakistani husband " which I don't believe ia the reason it's just an excuse.

Im very afraid of my dad as he has a history of domestic violence he even recently hit me. Please advise me on what the best solution would be.

jazakAllah khairun

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18 Responses »

  1. salaam

    dear sister first of all try and stay clear of your dad avoid any such confrontations that would put you at risk of harm fathers are not allowed to raise their hands on their children i cannot remember the age but I'm sure you are beyond that age

    never the less coming to your marriage as long as you have conveyed to the rules by which you have done your niqa particular the wali bit i think you can have the imaam stand in this position if there are no relatives that will do so or can do so but may be one of the editors can clarify that

  2. As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

    Actually, Sister...if this is your first marriage and you don't have a wali (your dad, most likely), your marriage is not valid.

    The Nabi (saw) said, “There is no marriage without a wali.” as narrated by Abu Dawood (2085), al-Tirmidhi (1101) and Ibn Majaah(1881).

    It's no valid, there is no divorce!


    He (saw) also said, “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. But if the marriage is consummated then the mahr is hers because she has allowed him to be intimate with her. If they dispute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian.”

    Your parents are wrong to reject a Muslim based solely on race or bloodlines, but you really do not have a fight here, unless your parents aren't Muslim. If you are being abused by anyone, you have a right to leave and your parents cannot force you to marry Bengali because forced marriage is just as invalid as your current marriage. According to Islam, you marry according to your choosing, honey.

    I feel for you, but I don't know what your options are especially if you are not in the USA. Maybe you can talk to a scholar, but no real scholar will tell you that you have to marry who your parents say. My heart wants to tell you to stay with your husband because your parent's deen is no good to be wali if they're forcing you to marry anyone you don't want. It's haram.

    Maybe you can find a different guardian. I'm 100% for sure a wali has to qualify to be a wali, there is a certain criteria they have to meet. He's not your wali just because he is your dad, he has to be of a certain mental & religious quality. A true wali doesn't abuse his trusts. If your dad wants to force you into a marriage you don't want, this is haram and so maybe he doesn't qualify as a wali in your best interests because his Islam is seriously lacking...

    What's the difference if you stay with your husband or your parents forcing you to marry? both are invalid...but, Islam is common sense, too.

    Ahabek fisibilillah, Ukhti

    As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Brakatuhu

    • Nourah : "Your parents are wrong to reject a Muslim based solely on race or bloodlines, but you really do not have a fight here, unless your parents aren't Muslim"

      Arbas don't allow their women to marry a non arab Muslim man like a Pakistani Muslim.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Based on what you have said, your parents reason for rejecting your husband is wrong and it seems to me that you are doing everything to please your parents. If you have talked to a Mufti and Maulana--they would probably be more knowledgeable and certified than most people to tell you whether your Nikah is valid. At some point, you may have to give your parents space to hold onto their beliefs--and you may have to accept that they will not change their views.

    Have you had the Imam try to speak to your parents directly?

    I am not qualified to tell you if your Nikah is valid, but there must be something in the case where a Wali is rejecting a proposal for the wrong/invalid reasons--Have an Imam speak to your father because they (your parents) also can't force you to marry someone either--and if your marriage IS valid, you can't be married to another person.

    Do not give up. Be careful and choosy in the words you use with your father--it is very worrisome that he can be physically abusive to you--in which case, you may have to leave your house for safety. You are not wrong for the efforts you are making. Understand that shaitaan would want you to fall into sin--so in all this situation--shaitaan is trying to make a halal relationship not possible.

  4. Asalamo Alaykum, I'm not sure if your nikah is valid or not but why would the Imam have gone ahead with your nikah if it was invalid without your fathers presence. You need to speak to your imam about this. And please do not divorce your husband just because your parents disapprove that's silly. They will learn to live with it and eventually accept him inshallah just make dua that allah swt softens their hearts and accepts your Pakistani husband. Why on earth would you divorce him and then marry some Bengali of your parents choice? Is that what you want? It doesn't seem like it. You are allowed to be selfish in this matter and no one can be forced to marry by anyone. May allah make it easy for you ameen

  5. Salam Sister,
    I can feel your pain and suffering, may Allah make it easy for you and for every believer going through a difficult obstacle. I went through the same problem, my parents not accepting my husband due to his culture ( he is a convert to Islam and I am Arab ). The only difference was my father was my Wali at my Nikkah, even if he didn't like it he chose to be there. However, since that day they are forcing me to divorce and make me feel SO guilty for choosing my husband. I have left my husband twice in hopes of regaining my parents but SubhanAllah I always go back to choosing my husband because in Islam a woman has to obey her husband and not her parents, especially if what they ask for is Haram. I am however not living with my husband at the moment because again, I am always trying to please my parents... let me tell you it is the WRONG thing to do to your husband. If your Nikkah is valid ( which you'd have to speak to an Imam because I don't want to give you a wrong answer) you must return to your husband and be a wife. Your parents will be mad and sad however you must obey Allah's orders and with that, Allah will Inshallah help you.

    Don't give up hope and don't give in to the trap of Shaytan. All he wants is to ruin a marriage, it's his biggest accomplishments. Now, if your marriage isn't valid and you still think this man is a good Islamic man who you can grow with not only in this life but the hereafter then speak to your parents ONCE more, with an Imam involved and if they still reject due to race ( which you should point out the last speech of the Prophet PBUH regarding racism) then the Imam may act as your Wali and get you married.

    Inshallah sister you find peace and even if you think it's torture seeing your parents angry at you , do what Allah says and don't worry ! Keep me updated


  6. Salam Sister,

    You contradict yourself as you say you did your nikah behind your parents backs and then say that you want to do things properly. How is that possible when you put the cart before the horse? Why would you go behind your parents backs and do nikah and after the fact inform them? Did this man...your husband, ever come and ask for your hand in marriage in a halal manner? Did he not feel like a coward marrying you behind your parents backs? I am at a loss for words.

    I can only imagine your parents are hurt deeply by your actions. You say that you want to educate your parents on the basis of Islam in regards to your marriage however your actions were far from Islamic by marrying this man behind their backs in the first place. Surely your parents deserved much better from you?

    I am going to take a wild guess and surmise that you chose the path you did to marry this man behind your parents backs is because you already knew that they would not agree to your choice. I still do not understand how your marriage is certified when your wali was not present. I would most definitely seek clarification on the issue. My understanding is that your father must be present...Allah hu alem.

    You are asking what the best solution would be? I imagine at this point, you should stay married to your husband if he makes you happy (and everything is halal). The fact that he is of Pakistani origin should have no bearing on his ability to be a good husband to you. Your beginnings to married life may be far from what you envisioned however this is what you chose. It's quite possible that you can make it through the difficult road ahead and have a very happy and successful life with this man. Maybe your parents will come around and accept your husband and your marriage and then again, maybe they won't.

    No matter what, I wish you the best. I wish you happiness and pray that your parents will come to terms with your actions and in time, accept your choice of a husband.


    • Assalam alaikum,

      I thought about that too--why did the OP have Nikah behind her parents back, but it wasn't really clear what events led to that. But still, clearly, the OP is distraught and the parents should at least want to meet the boy she is interested in rather than just marry her off to a Bengali man--parents should expect the best from their children, but parents should also be reasonable.

    • I love reading your responses sister Najah, they are short and to the point. You are very wise thoughtful and compassionate Muslima, MashaAllah. May Allah SWT reward you and your family.

      • Mary,

        Thank you for your kind and sweet words. I was hesitant in my response as my desire is never to hurt or offend anyone. I once told a friend of mine, If we all had the mentality and wisdom at the age of twenty that we possess at forty... a lot of the decisions we make in life would be different. However, my friends response to me was, "it is those very decisions and experiences that make us who we are in the end." She was so right. Right or wrong, we are all human and no one is above making a bad call. If anything, I imagine it makes us stronger in the end and a whole lot wiser.

        Salam 🙂

    • Salam sister, please tell me if a Muslim girl marries a non-Muslim with her parents' permission is it valid, according to you? You seem to be only interested in parents' permission, nothing else. Is it so?

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Islamically, a Muslimah cannot marry a non-Muslim man. Therefore, any such union would not be valid according to Islamic practice.

        Midnightmoon editor

      • Salam Usman,

        I do not understand why you ask me if a Muslim girl marries a non-Muslim with her parent's permission if it is valid according to me. According to the laws of Islam, no it would not be valid.

        As for your comment, "You seem to be only interested in parents' permission, nothing else." Is it so? Seeking permission from your parents is a good thing do you not think? As a mother, I personally expect nothing less from any of my children however...that's just me. What I ask you is what do you deem to be the, "nothing else"? If my own child cannot give me the respect that I am due and come and talk to me, what else is there to discuss?


        • i had my nikkah done at the age of 16 but my mum didnt give me consent as my mum and dad are divorced and i had no contact with my father since the age of 6, i had my nikkah done at east london mosque and my husbands cousin brother had to be my "kadi" i just want to know if my nikkah is valid as i am still "married" to my husband

          • Tanya, did you want to get married (i.e. did you consent)? And did you consent to having your husband's cousin serve as your wali? If the answer is yes to both, then you are married. If the answer to either one is no, then your nikah was invalid and you are not married.


  7. assalamu alaikum sister,

    im an a interracial marriage so i understand what you are going through. my husband is lebanese and i am british nigerian/sudanese...his family is from a small village in lebanon so they are very much culturally into marrying people they are close i understand...but in all honestly..this marriage is between you ,your husband and Allah swt and to be honest...if your husband is disregarding that because of simply a part of a country he was born in..he is clearly IN THE WRONG. YOU are an adult, and you can RESPECTFULLY tell him firmly that you love them and they are your parents but islamically and personally this was your decision and what you wanted. THEY cannot HOLD YOU HOSTAGE. this is YOUR LIFE. they have lived theirs. stand firm.

    i have had family well extended family always make opinions about my marriage before they got to know my husband...they didnt care he was hafiz or that he owned land had a success halaal business and was very sweet to me..they only cared that his skin was pale and he wasnt an arabic speaking hausa from africa. that is what mattered..i couldnt careless and i stood my ground which..for alot especially women can get them why care? i live my life

  8. live ur live ,stand ur ground ur an adult they have no right on you anymore ignore ur parents if they continue to do this kiss ur relationship good bye.

  9. Asalamualaikum

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