Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents won’t allow me to marry a guy because of my education and his nationality.

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As salaam alaikum.

A couple of days ago I told my parents about a guy that I am interested in and want to get married to. I am still in university and have 2 years remaining till I finish but I thought to tell them so that they have an idea about the things that are going on in my life. (I study abroad in the same country as the guy and my parents are in America, while his parents lives in Abu Dhabi)

They got really mad at me and started yelling at me and telling me things such as don't we give you enough for you to do things like this, you dissappoint us etc etc. They made it seem like I was doing something very bad while I was trying to do things the halal way and prevent haram.

They asked me where the guy is from and stuff (we are the same ethnicity). I told him where he is from and then they said that I can find someone way better because who has a better nationality and i shouldn't be talking to guys like that because he will take advantage of me (because I have an American passport). They said "if you marry him he can't go anywhere with you or be with you in America or any other place in the world because his passport is weak, and you will forever be stuck in one place with him is that the kind of life you want?" And more stuff like that.

They told me to stop talking to him and finish school and stop this nonsense. I am so upset, they didn't even bother asking about his deen or anything about him they just asked these weird questions. I really thought they would be more open and easy to talk to. What should I do now? I really want to get married to this guy and no one else.... please help

amira123

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7 Responses »

  1. Wallaykumasalaam Amira,

    In my opinion, these are not particularly strong reasons to prevent your marrying someone, but combined with the "parents' blessing" factor, I can see why this is a stressful situation for you. Your parents may need some time, maybe even the couple of years that you have left to graduate, to come around. If you know you don't want to marry anyone else, I wouldn't as long as your heart is set on this prospect.

    I can't judge your parents as Allah knows best, but I don't like the fact that your parents said "don't we give you enough for you to do things like this?" I'm not trying to create a rift between you or your parents or anything, but your parents hopefully did everything they did for you for the sake of Allah. I'm not saying they didn't...they probably did, but now are uncomfortable with this proposition of yours and therefore saying what they are saying. Sometimes it takes some time to accept something of this magnitude.

    I don't think America denies people of any passport entry into the country for visitation purposes, and if the person is married to you, there shouldn't be any problem staying permanently. As far as travelling abroad with that passport for vacation purposes, I'm not really sure, but still think it should be fine. If those are important considerations for you, I would research it a little further just to be sure.

    Inshallah some patience and persistence on your part may bring your parents around. If I were you, I would say a dua to Allah asking Him to fulfill your needs, maybe after a 2-rakah hajah prayer.

    Inshallah things will be settled in the best way.

    Nor

  2. sister ,I feel that your parents are correct here .Life is much more than romance n sex .They are telling it to avoid further complexities .Also why you are talking to him ?Its Haraam .I suggest you leave him and foccus on your education and Deen .

  3. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Your parents’ concern seems quite valid even if you think their arguments are not too strong.
    I wonder how old you are.
    Your parents are not asking you to return their favours or be bound to them in service for all they have done for you, their point is that you are well provided for, you have been sent to study; so concentrate on that.
    We have no particular info about either of you. I think you should maintain your distances for now. You can introduce him when your parents come to visit you and he can do the same. See what they think about it.
    Both of you being foreign students you have no real idea about each other except what you tell each other and these are all your own perceptions of your self. Views change when you see each other in your own native environments.
    So don't rush into anything.
    You give us limited info about why you want to be with him except that you fancy him, you are probably basing your own decision on limited info and infatuation.
    If not, keep talking to your parents about him respectfully and after some time the guy's family can contact yours and see how it goes.

  4. Salam,

    I think the problem is that you have feelings for this guy and you don't want to let him go. You're parents are looking at it from more of a practical standpoint. If they marry their daughter to someone out of the country at the minimum you're traveling to see them. Worst case is that you may actually move there and then they would never see you again. They would prefer that you live close by them and they get to see their grandkids, that you support them in their old age. And then further, without meeting him, and they're not willing to fly out to his parents to find out, there's a risk that they're taking on his character and his motives. So for them it's just easier to say no. You on the other hand, seem to already be in love would like them to say yes regardless of whether you see them in the future or not.

  5. Salaam guys,
    Thanks all for replying.

    I don't talk to this guy every day and I am not in any kind of relationship with him. I wanted to let my parents know so that we can get to know each other while my parents know of him. I have talked to his parents and his siblings (his sisters) and they all know me. I have known him for 2 years now and we talk once in awhile through chat and stuff. He told me he wanted to get married after I finish school and get engaged now for the time being.

    I don't see what I did ( telling my parents ) as something wrong. Wouldn't it be worse to hide it from them? I tried to have a relationship with my parents in which i can tell them things and they advice me in a calm way. But instead they just yelled at me and told me things like this. I have decided now to wait to tell them again about it because they are acting like i never mentioned it, so after I graduate I will tell them. But isn't it wrong for them to reject him just because of where he is from and the nationality he has?? I hope you guys see my point of view.

    Wasalaam

    • Yes your point is much clearer now. Your parents are just being protective. Immigration can become a problem anytime as the global situation evolves, so your parents are not being whimsical about it. Character and Deen can only be assessed when they meet him. So, you need to set that up: a real life meeting.

      You say you are not in a relationship but from the guy's point of view I think, you have progressed far as you are in touch with his family and he has even made his intention of being engaged known to you. He is beyond the getting to know part.
      I think it will be a good idea to let him and
      his family know that your parents are yet to agree. Be tactful since you seem interested in settling down with him; incase, that drives them away completely.You have 2 more years before
      you graduate. It will be a good idea for either of your parents to meet him. Try to make them come down for a visit and meet him too.

      • Thank you for your answer!

        I'm going to wait till I go back to my parents and talk to them about it, because I don't like discussing this over the phone. I hope they understand all of this.

        Thanks again

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