My past is affecting my future; how should I handle it?
The consequences of my past may affect my future
Salaam brothers and sisters,
I wish you can help me with my problem today. I am engaged to be married, inshallah to a good man coming from a good family. We speak with each other on the phone sometimes and have developed a good understanding of each other and are looking forward to spending our lives with each other after our Nikaah. I forgot to mention that both of us performed Salat Istikhaara before agreeing for this match. We both got positive responses from Allah subhanahtallah.
A couple of years before this match was arranged, I was in a relationship with another guy and we committed sin of fornication under the influence of shaytaan. I have since done tawbah for this deed and have asked Allah subhanahtallah for forgiveness by repenting for my sin every day and night.
A few months ago my husband to be and I were talking about past relationships and my conscience troubled me and made me tell him that I was in a relationship with someone before I knew him. I did not tell him about the BIG sin I committed, but just informed him of the half truth. My husband to be was upset and hurt by my confession but after a few days he accepted that the past is the past and it should not affect our future.
In the last month, my past has been haunting him and has started affecting our relationship. He is trying to fight it, but is not being able to. He asked me a few uncomfortable questions to which I replied that "Allah protects good muslims from committing sins". He is still disturbed by it and is praying to Allah everyday to give him peace of mind.
I am very concerned and do not know how to make him feel better. The fact that I have not told him the whole truth troubles me and the fear that it shall be revealed to him one day scares me. Please advise me as to what I should do to make this situation better. I really want us to be happy in the future and not dwell on the past.
- pastsinner13
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Well sister I myself made that mistake, and I got humiliated in my society so no one would ask for me anymore just cause of a mistake I did. My advice as to you is to not tell him and bury it as if nothing happened, Allah concealed it for a reason and also dont mention it to him because he will leave you. Trust me sister I know what your going through just be strong, and if you feel you want to tell him the truth he if hes a good person will accept you, if hes not understanding hell leave you. Youll get embarassment and humilation so why would you want all of that, just bury your sin, and I would advise not to confess your sin. Inshallah it will work out!:)
if hes a good person will accept you, if hes not understanding hell leave you.
What kind of logic and justification is that ..................
It means if he is a strong and an understanding man he would accept her. If not then he wont.
So if a man does not tolerate zina, he's not a strong and understanding person? It's so annoying to constantly hear that "good Muslims" and "strong Muslims" and "understanding Muslims" are only the Muslims who accept their spouse's haram pasts. Why are the Muslims who let go of people they might really care about not strong people? Why are people who have kept themselves on the right path, and want a spouse who has, too, not the strong ones? I really don't get it.
Salam'alaykum,
Thats absurd understanding.
It just gets more ridiculous.
Does it mean that if a man doesn't accept a woman who fornicated is not strong, not understanding and bad ?? lol just because some of the men and women have been there done that, don't even think you are better then the men and women who havn't been there for we have more taqwa alhamdulillah.
That is not what I meant, you are taking me wrong. What I meant was, If the man is "strong enough to accept her past" then he won't let her go.
I think sister Fatima means that when a man has an understanding of the world and understands that this world is a test and that we all make mistakes and many of us get into relationships outside of marriage but change after the relationship has failed, then this man is strong enough to accept her.
There are different kinds of men out there and some are more knowledgeable about the situation that we are in and look at the world full of obstacles so they are more forgiving to these kinds of mistakes (maybe because they have been through it too or seen others who are close to them go through it).
I admit that I would love to have a man who's first love would be me (as a wife) but I have to be realistic depending on his circumstances and also my own past experience. The past is the past and anyone who has ever gotten over someone completely will understand how we basically delete that person from our lives, memories, thoughts, feelings, etc. completely as if that had never happened before even if he/she used to be a BIG part of our lives back then. We just want to have a fresh clean start because we are not attached to that person anymore.
If you want someone who has absolutely no relationships before marriage that is fine because there are people like that out there but just because someone has slipped up and corrected themselves not to make the same mistake again doesn't mean that they should not be accepted as a husband/wife. The man depending on his level of understanding will soon decide if he will want to be with her or not. He will not be wrong if he decides to be with her and he will not be wrong if he decides not to be with her because this is his personal choice.
For future references to those who are reading this: If you have done something wrong and you have truly repented and do not plan to ever do it again then conceal it from others so Allah conceals it from others on the Day Of Judgement. If you have changed completely and you want to move on with your life with no attachment then there is no need to say anything.
Assalam alaikum,
Forgive me if I misunderstood, but I read "we have more taqwa." Are we able to calculate how much taqwa we have or anyone has? I thought this is what the Day of Judgement was for-that only Allah knew this?
Even if someone has sinned, I wouldn't want to guess how much taqwa they had--is that our job? And I always thought that if a person didn't commit a big sin, that they should be thankful to Almighty Allah for protecting them and guiding them rather than to be boastful about it. Everyday we read "Show us the straight path" because if we follow the straight path, indeed Allah has shown it to us--BUT first we are asking Him to show us. It is by His Mercy and Compassion that we do good because indeed Hidaya is from Allah. Even Allah said to Prophet Muhammad SAWS that he is a messenger, he couldn't make people into Muslims as we see from his paternal uncle Abu Talib. Whenever shaitaan whispers to us, even then we read "I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed shaitaan." So without Him, we are nothing--we are completely dependent on Allah swt.
As for whether the boy may leave this girl - after all it is his right. They did isthikhara, they should now know what to do now. Discussing the past is rather useless. When you have made your choice, move forward, otherwise, the past should have been discussed prior to committments.
Allah knows best.
Wa'alaykumsalam sis Saba,
Hope everything is well with you,
Yes, first we should know what taqwa is, and then we can know if we have taqwa or not. Basically, taqwa is protecting oneself from the Hellfire by following the orders of Allah by doing what He has commanded and avoiding what He has forbidden.
Allah said: "...and to you (O Muslims) that you (all) fear Allah(have taqwa), and keep your duty to Him..." (Quran 4:131)
Prophet said: “I ask you to fear Him(have taqwa) (swt), listen to Him (swt), and obey.” . So through taqwa, the Muslim strives to obey Allah (swt) and abstains from His prohibitions.
So yea, if someone on hearing Allah's name feel a sense of fear in their heart (The believers are only those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a fear in their hearts and when His Verses (this Quran) are recited unto them, they increase their Faith; and they put their trust in their Lord (Alone); (Quran 8:2) but some people, when they hear Allah's name, its like they are hearing their friends name and they don't get any extra ordinary feelings in their heart, but people with taqwa will get scared)and they obey Allah and do what is ordered and abstain from what Allah forbids has taqwa. The reason is tht we are ordered to seek refuge in Allah from the cursed satan when bad thoughts come but unfortunately some people with less taqwa fall directly into satan's trap. Allah said: “Verily those who are fearful of Allah (have taqwa ) are the people who, when an evil thought comes to them from Shaitan, they remember Allah and indeed they then see aright.” [Quran 7:201]
Yup and that's why I said 'ALHAMDULILAH'.
and if we do bad, from who it is ?
Don't rule out 'free will', just saying.
I totally agree @ Pepper
I did not want to discuss free will-I was making a point of not being boastful about our good deeds.
We can not say who has less taqwa than us. What if today they do, but tomorrow their taqwa is greater than you, me or anyone for that matter? It is good to say Alhumdulillah, but not who has less taqwa than us.
We should be careful about judging the tests of others that we have not gone through. I can't say I WILL pass the Chemistry test and then get credits. I get the credits AFTER I pass the test. So how can I judge the one who goes through the test that I have not experienced?
Let us leave free will and the judge of our taqwa up to Allah swt. These matters are for Allah to judge on the day of judgement.
Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) said:
"Sin may be more beneficial for a person, if it leads him to repent, than doing a lot of acts of worship. This is what is meant by the words of one of the salaf:
'A person may commit a sin and enter Paradise because of it, or he may do an act of worship and enter Hell because of it.'
They said: 'How is that?'
He said: 'He may commit a sin and continues to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers his sin, so he feels ashamed and repents and seeks forgiveness and regrets it, so that will be the means of his salvation.
And he may do a good deed and continue to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers it and it fills him with self-admiration and pride, so it is the cause of his doom.
So the sin may be the factor that leads him to do acts of worship and good deeds and to change his attitude so that he fears Allah and feels shy before Him and feels humiliated before Him, hanging his head in shame and weeping with regret, seeking he forgiveness of his Lord. Each of these effects is better for a person than an act of worship that makes him feel proud and show off and look down on people. Undoubtedly this sin is better before Allah and is more likely to bring salvation than one who admires himself and looks down on others, and who thinks that he is doing Allah a favour. Even if he says words that indicate something other than that, Allah is the Witness over what is in his heart. Such a person may feel hatred towards people if they do not hold him in high esteem and humiliate themselves before him. If he were to examine himself honestly, he would see that clearly."
May Allah guide us all. Ameen.
All muslims who studied the religion knows this.
As Allah said: "“Verily He likes not the proud.” (Quran 16:23)
The Prophet said: "He who has in his heart the weight of an atom of pride shall not enter Paradise." [Muslim]
The prophet said: “Pride is to disdain the truth (out of self-conceit) and contempt people." [Muslim]
So I don't undersatnd whats the reason for you pointing it out or maybe you're just saying ? no problem. and its wrong for some people to say something like what the first poster said about weak, not understanding men lol. I wonder what if they are in the shoes of the OP's fiance. 😕 or what would be their advise if they've never been there and never done that :?That time wouldn't come.
“…Verily the most honorable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa [i.e., he is one of The Muttaqun (the pious)] …” [Quran; 49:13]
if you got that i was saying "no problem" from all that, then that is your understanding.
Simply, we should not say anything about anyone's taqwa.
No lol. What I meant was, if you're just informing others of Islamic teachings then I have no problem with that. 🙂 and yea simply we should not talk about anyone's taqwa, and no one here talks about anyones taqwa but we can certainly talk about our own taqwa.
Asalam Alaikum sis..... first may Allah make all the things easy for you.
second sis
From among the teachings of Allahs Messenger (peace be upon him) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to ones honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O so- and-so! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukhari]
Abdullah Ibn Masoud (May allah be pleased with him) related, A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide. Umar Ibn al-Khattab (May allah be pleased with him) then said: `Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret ?' [Sharh Muslim]
so my sister in Islam, Allah subhana wata3ala kept your secret covered, so why do you need to uncover it...
U just told him half of it and he is already worrying about it, imagine if you tell him the whole story how will he act?
Have faith in Allah, and try your best to make him understand, everybody has a past and past is a past.
Thank you so much for your response. It makes me feel much better about this situation. More replies and viewpoints are welcome.
assalamualaikum sister do not worry about what your fiancee will think , but worry about allah. sis everything happens by allah wills and when u have repented and did taubah then thr was no need to confess infront of others, now what u said him abt past is also a past do not worry about that , ask help from allah and it is natural that he is feeling bad about your past, now never talk about it just relax and everyday is not same and make him feel better and the importance of him in your life , and one more thing that is why in islam engagement is not allowed and even if u do engagement talking to your fiancee is not allowed as shytan palys all this tricks , do not get scared of this issues have faith in allah 🙂
Thank you sister Zoya. I do agree on how engagement is not islamic however culturally this is how marriages take place in my country, in order to allow time for wedding preparations. I shall keep your recommendations in mind, Inshallah. May Allah protect us all, Ameen.
Assalam alaikum,
Sister, you should not have discussed your past with him. I would remain focused on him. If this topic comes up, you should tell him "You are the person I am marrying and it is you that I am interested in. There isn't room for discussion of anyone else."
You should ask for Allah to forgive you for your sins and this is a discussion that you should have only with Allah. He will know of how sincere you are and He is the one to forgive you, inshaAllah.
Do not worry about what will and will not happen as it is in the hands of Allah. InshaAllah, you do your best and work on being your best. You can not manipulate your circumstances at this point.
May Allah forgive us all for our sins. Ameen.
Thank you so much for your response Saba. I will keep this sentence in mind the next time a situation like this arises. May Allah forgive us all for our wrongdoings and sins, Ameen.
Asalamalaikum sis this has happened to me talking from experience I told my husband the whole truth and he accepted me even thought there has been more downs then ups within out marriage, but alhamdilah everything's going so well especially with the baby on the way. Make tawbah and read ur five time prayer daily, make his trust you and never and I mean never lie to him that's wen things go bad. Make Allah strengthen ur imam and forgive u. Love u for the sake of Allah x
There's no need to tell him sis, wats its gonna achieve
The fact he can't get over the fact u had a relationship never mind watt he'll say bout inter course
Leave it now ask for Allah forgiveness that's all.
Everyone makes mistakes. Just leave the past and concentrate in making ur relationship with ur fiancé successful.