Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My past is bothering my spouse & now he has changed towards me.

verbal abuse

Asalam alaykum. I am 21 years old, born and raised in Canada. My partner is also 21, He was born in Afghanistan, stayed there until he was 1 years old. Raised in Russia for a few years, then Dubai, Holland, then back to Afghanistan for 5 years. These 6 years were during his teen years, from age 14-20. Just a month after he turned 20, he came to the United States.

I am going to write my story in detail because I think it's the only way I can get an answer as a response to my problem. It is quite long, so I apologize for that.

We got engaged a few months ago, and since my partner lives in the United States (a state 2 hours from where I live by plane), my parents decided since I visit him often, we must do a nikah because according to islam we must be mahram to spend quality time with each other out of the city, and it wont be as sinful or anything. So we did, and the reason he cannot visit me in Canada is because he has only been in the United States for a year and a half, therefore he does not have a Green Card to be able to cross the border. So there is a bit of a wait for that.

He is completely alone, his mother and father, brother and sister are not with him. They reside in the middle east but are trying to get out of there. his sister has married and moved abroad. He has family (aunts, grandparents) in his area that he currently resides, however he is not really in touch with them because they just don't seem to get along very well. Before moving to the United States, he lived in many countries with his family.

We did meet through the internet, but as we got to know each other more, since our country of origin is the same, we got even closer. I got to know him, he got to know me, and eventually talked about our families. He had so much interest in me that he showed his mother my photograph, and she took my mother's, aunt's, and uncle's name asking if i came from that family. He said yes and asked how she knows, she said that I look just like my aunt and mother, very identical. When he asked her how she knows the family, she said that my uncle and his father were best friends throughout school, and after, until war separated everyone, sending them out of the country in different directions.

So, after that we grew even closer and I gained more trust because I had asked my mother about the family, and she gave me very good feedback. We decided to meet, since he could not cross the border, he came to a city nearby the border. We did that a couple of times, and then he proposed to me. He called his family and his family called mine to make it traditionally official. Just beautiful.

Before we started a relationship and we were only getting to know each other, I had a few things in my life I had to let him know about. Some of the things were very dark and I would not like to mention it on this page. I made many mistakes, very very bad ones. I did not have a guidance islamically in my life. My parents never send me to the mosque, and never had time to sit and show me Islam. As I grew older, they would give me very little info and expected me to learn everything on my own. Once I got into high school, unfortunately I ended up choosing the wrong friends because I was a confused person in life already. I did not know a lot about Islam, or even most of the basics, with reasons, nothing. Not too much about our culture.

When I started making mistakes, my father started the typical middle eastern dad flipping at his daughter. The more he would have over protected restrictions on me, the worse I got. Why? Because I did know much to begin with and since I had not very interesting friends around me, it just got worse. I did not know which way to go, I was just a very confused, lost and idiotic teenager.

Slowly I met some friends that were from my country of origin and Muslim as well, and it took my just about the end of my high school year to realize all the mistakes I made, some of them were done overboard islamically. I don't know how I am ever going to get over what I did, but I am a brand new person today, and I have been asking God for forgiveness everyday, ever since.

When I found my partner whom I am with today, I felt nothing but being the luckiest girl in the world, and that Allah SWT has truly blessed me and seemed that he forgave me because I have been asking for mercy everyday, and I really meant it, I still do, and always will.

So I told my partner everything, because I am an honest person and I do not like hiding things like most girls I know do around here when they find a partner in marriage. I just wouldn't feel right hiding anything. He accepted me, and appreciated my honesty, and after I told him, our bond grew closer. I felt like my new life is finally beginning and I will be accepted for who I am now rather than the lost and confused person I was in the past as a teenager with no guidance.

When we first started talking, I used to be in a very attractive physical shape. We had an amazing relationship, our communication level was very high, and mashallah everything was just perfect. I began to gain a little bit of weight just because I was first of all in a high level of stress at home, and second because I just didn´t feel very healthy, I felt weak and that I was low in muscle, protein, etc. I am now currently trying to lose all the weight naturally, because last year when I was in that beautiful shape, it was not natural. I went to a diet clinic and took shots with a super strict diet. I decided I cannot continue that forever so when I stopped I felt very weak and that I needed some of my proteins and calcium back.

Ever since I have gained weight, our problems started. Instead of getting better throughout the last 6 months, they have just been getting worse, and worse. Recently he has started to emotionally abuse me, and disrespect me. He won't stop bringing in my past, he will not stop discussing it, and on top of that what makes it worse is that he tells me how trashy, bad, and dirty I was. He does tell me I have changed alot and I am a whole new person, he does pick on my weight and tell me inappropriate things that hurt my feelings alot.

He has told me many times, he does not know why he fell for me and why he rushed into a relationship, and engagement. He does not know why he fell for a girl like me.

He says he does not want to leave me because he would feel guilty and even if I tried to leave him he would not allow it even if I involve families. He is the type of guy who wants to stay with one woman, his whole life. Yes, I am his first girl he has been involved with, relationship wise. He has never touched a girl, kissed a girl or anything like that.

Before he accepted me as the new person I am today, and now he can't stop thinking about my past and bringing it to our relationship causing it a problem for us. Not only is he hurting himself but he is deeply wounding me with the things he says to me. If he is not picking on my past, or my weight, he tries to pick on something else. Anything.

Please help me, I love him very much and I do not want to give up and just put an end to everything. This is not a joke for me, to take a huge step in life, and then just drop it. I really want to have him back as the sweet, caring, respectful, man he used to be. I am a completely, brand new person and am proud of the changes in me today. Now, it has been about one week that he has not mentioned anything, but he keeps it to himself. I finally took it out of him today while we were talking over the phone. He was not responding to my sentences a few times and then I finally asked him to please tell me what is on his mind that is distracting him so much, that he is mentally not in the conversation with me.

He said, 'You know what it is, I just don't want to discuss it anymore or take it out in a negative attitude manner anymore. This is one big step I am taking and as long as we are not fighting, arguing, or discussing it we are fine'. I said no, because it is still bothering you. It is not something that was bothering you at first, and now it will not leave you alone. What can I do to help? I have done everything you wanted me to do.

Even my mother has talked to him, unfortunately not much of a better result.
One day he is fine and out of nowhere he will just remember things and it will bother him up to even an entire week or month. I cannot tolerate this for the rest of my life but I also do not want what we have to fall apart. He has had thoughts of leaving me and usually not saying it, however does express them in words indirectly. It is almost as if he is bipolar. Then when he calms down, he is madly in love with me suddenly.

Please help me, is there any way out of this?

- dream_786


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43 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry that you are having to put up with the changing and destructive moods of your intended.

    It sounds to me as though this man is bored and boredom is a playground for destructive thoughts. It also sounds as though he is "testing" you, by making you feel bad and constantly questioning you, he is serving his own need for establishing your loyalty to him and to make sure you are still attached to him. When he feels insecure in this attachment, he makes you feel bad so that you can give him more time and attention. It is very destructive and very hurtful for you.

    The way to bring this behaviour to an end is to make a stand for yourself. In order to do this you must be very string and very focused on the kind of treatment you are ready to accept. Often, taking a stand is enough to shock someone into reassessing the way they behave.

    The way to take a stand is - the next time he is being mean to you for no apparent reason rather than enter into the kind of dialogue that is dictated by you being attacked, and then becoming defensive and trying to convince him why you are a good person now - simply state the following sentence:

    "If that is how you feel - elhamdulilah, so be it". And then do not enter into a discussion about whether he is right or wrong, or if you are right or wrong. The conversation should then start to take a different turn. Here is how it can go:

    1.) He will continue to probe and try to get some kind of defensive / pleading / subservient reaction out of you by continuing to speak negatively.

    If this happens - do not enter into dialogue. Just keep repeating: "your decisions and conclusions are are yours to make, and whatever decision or conclusion you make, elhamdulilah, I am happy with it. What Allah wants he makes easy for us and what he does not want he makes it hard for us and it is not my job to convince you of your decisions, so whatever decision you come to elhamdulilah I am happy with it What's done is done and I cannot change it - I do not need to revisit the past every time I speak to you. I am over it - when you get over it, let me know."

    Refuse to defend yourself - because there is no end to it and just be generally very bored and tired of this conversation and do not entertain it with your time or energy.

    2.) He will question the sudden change of behaviour: what's happened to you? / why have you changed? / don't you care anymore?

    If this happens, then you can explain to him the following: "I am trying to go forwards in my life, and I believe myself to be in a situation where everything is going well for me. When you raise these issues all of the time, it makes me feel tired because I believed that I had already overcome these obstacles, however you make me feel like you cannot overcome them and it makes me tired. I feel sincerely in my heart that if you wanted to move forwards, you would - however all you do is make me feel bad, and it is making me so tired that I simply do not have the energy to constantly battle for your heart to open. You have to make an effort as well, as I cannot make our future on my own. You are making me feel bad - and I am running out of the willpower to defend myself all of the time. What do you want from me?"

    and then change the conversation to be about him, what he wants, and why he is saying these things.

    3.) He will lose his temper and become even more abusive

    If this happens, state very firmly: "I don't deserve this - call me when you are ready to speak to me like a human being" and then put the phone down. Continue in this way until he understands that this is not going to work with you.

    The truth is, until you let go of your attachment to a specific outcome (such as marriage): you will always be a slave to it and you will continue to serve the route to that outcome and suffer for it until you get it. This is because you are focused on what you want, rather than on what is. What you must realise is that what you want will happen in time - and you dont need to work so hard, or accept so much in order to get there. Therefore, the way to be is to cut off your attachment to what you want and act morally, responsibly and self respectively at all times until Allah provides what we are seeking.

    What that means for you is: stand your ground and don't put up with bad treatment, especially at this stage. Once you marry it is much more difficult to impact behaviour. Lay ground rules early on and inshaAllah, these ground rules will act as a filter - and get rid of abusive behaviour early on so that when marriage time comes, the man you go home with for the rest of your life is a good man who will treat you respectfully and bring happiness and peace to your heart and life.

    Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid of losing him - it is the only way to stop this behaviour.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Sister Leyla,

      Masha'Allah. I was the same way with my wife. She had a past (though I can't confirm exactly what she has done), and I have always avoided relations. My wife did exactly what you advise (above) and I realized what I was doing was wrong. The past is the past, and if Allah has forgiven my wife, who the hell am I to question her? And I would never question my wife about her weight or looks, or anything she doesn't quite have direct control over. Besides, compared to me physically, my wife is perfect.

      I am glad I came across this website. My wife's past was also eating me up. But I have learned (a) I should have never started snooping and looking into it, and (b) the past her is not the present her. The woman before me today is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

      Wasalaam,

      Abu Hanifa (pen name)

      • Might I also add that in Islam, you are to never disclose your sins. The sister that started this threat should have denied ever have any relations. The only thing she has to disclose is whether she was married before and whether she has any STD's.

      • Asalamwalaykum all,

        Alhamdulilah Abu Hanifa, Masha’Allah to you to let go your wife’s past. I am in the same boat as the Muslima above, matter fact maybe worse. But again it can even be more worse. So Alhamdulilah, moral point is never mention your past sins to your significant other or any other human being. In Islam this is the Islamic moral
        Rule to begin with, is to conceal your past sins. And to seek REPENTANCE ♥️. Unfortunately, I didn’t know much about Islamic knowledge either, plus the right and wrong we all know as Muslims, but the Shaytan makes one to think —you will not be forgiven , or that you are young still, and other stupid reasons for Muslims to commit sins. Khair, what’s done is done , past is the past… it’s a test for all of us… after every hardship there is ease… but some hardships you don’t know if there will ever be ease … maybe not in this life maybe in the hereafter… Allah knows best. May Allah(SWT) forgive all our sins and cleanse our hearts and soul before returning to Allah(SWT). Ameen.. and remember forgiveness is part of our Imaan. People who forgive others have hearts of gold … and Allah(SWT) will Insha’Allah raise their level in Jannah. And the rewards Subhan’Allah will be greater too. And for people who went through or are going through headaches and heartaches will be rewarded too. Insha’Allah… remember this, being Muslim is the biggest reward and love to begin with, you are always Loved by Allah(SWT) … and personally no matter what happens in your life… always smile for the fact that your are born Muslim and always seek Hedaya(guidance) from Allah(SWT).. May Allah(SWT) ease your pain brothers/sisters…

  2. As salamu alaykum dream,

    Thank you very much for sharing and opening your Heart.

    I see that you want to stay with him as he was, but the reality is that he is not anymore the man he was, and I am afraid, he won´t be again.

    Now you are still on time, I don´t think it is because you have gain weight, I think that he cannot handle your past and any excuse is good to make you feel as bad as he feels. Both of you are quite young, and his reactions towards you, are looking for an effect on you, and as I see he is getting his goal, you feel confused and rejected, don´t let this man disminish you at all, as you said you are a brand new woman that he is not appreciating. He is looking into the ashes of the woman you were and throwing them into your eyes. I am sorry to be so harsh, but please don´t be blind, he has lost respect to you, he is not there when you talk to him, those are red flags, don´t let this "blind love" take you energy, your optimism and your joy of being who you are.

    I don´t think he is bipolar, he is too young and he doesn´t know how to handle the situation, he had an image about the woman of his life and now nothing is how he thought it could be, this is just too much for him.

    I know this is tough but instead of judging his mental sanity, try to understand how important is for him a woman that hadn´t been touched by anyone, talk to him and explain to him that you understand his suffering, if you love him the way you say, try to get close to his Heart and see which would be the best of the paths for both of you. I would advise you to perform Istikhara, you have a link in the top of the page where you can learn everything about Istikhara.

    Once a person loose respect for other one, it is difficult to stop it, you can have times where nothing happens and in the blink of an eye go from one bad word to something worst, this is something to really take into account before taking any decision about your future. And, for sure, I think you should involve your parents, not to be alone in this.

    Respect in a relationship is necessary to build up healthy roots.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalam Alekum sister,

    No matter how you color this, red flags are flying all over the place. I'd think long and hard...very hard before pursuing this relationship any further at this point.

  4. I think now that he knows you are engaged it probably just hit him that he about to commit to being with you for life and will not have the pride of knowing that his wife was a virgin on their wedding night. Like Maria said, that is important for a lot of men, especially muslim men. I think he is realizing that he cannot get over your past. I think just being in a relationship without marriage was fine, but marriage is a whole different story. I really don't know what to tell you. But just make sure you look at all the warning signs and don't make a decision you wil regret since marriage is a lifetime commitment.

  5. He will cont. to abuse you until he completely breaks you and then you will be so much weaker that you will be stuck in this relationship and he will only kick you around like a rug... Want to go through that???? Years to re-cuperate !!! AT THE END IT IS A BITTER/HATEFUL RELATIONSHIP AND WHEN HE HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOU HE WILL KICK YOU OUT !!!!! Been there, done that * P l e a s e R U N - N O W (while you are still young )--------F A S T !!!!!!!! Find someone that will make you feel like a Princess. I finally did and i am so happy !! My only regret is NOT LEAVING HIM MUCH EARLIER --- I FELT TRAPPED ...(Depressed, low self=esteem, feeling non-loved, ... ) He finally said that"""" HE """HAD HAD ENOUGH OF """""MY"""" [email protected]# !!!! SO, FILED FOR DIVORCE. I WAS DEVASTATED!!!!!!! -----N o w ??? ALHUMDULLILLAH *

  6. If you aren't going to the stay with the guy, the next person you do end up marrying, tell him you have never done anything with a guy. Take this from me. Best advice anyone will ever give you. But I also implore you to involve the families, a compotent scholar, and see if you want to stay with him. After all, Islamically, you are already married to him.

  7. Look at these answers from. maria m , najah , nadira , khadija

    They don't really understand what this man is thinking .

    You all are utterly biased and have no sense absolutely what a vigin man thinks about a non-virgin girl .

    You are just constantly bashing that guy . My full sympathy goes with this guy ..

    Let me begin with saying :-
    There is man who abstain from all sort of relations in the past with any girl. He is devoted and and have promised to the lord that the only women he will cherish and would have any relation would be his wife . He wants to shower all the love and affection that he had held in his heart just for one girl .

    The girl turns out be a some one he could never imagine . How would a man feel that his woman has committed every sort of relation that is supposed to be between a man and his wife . Just a thought of any man touching his wife would make him go crazy and sick . He will never get over it ,,, EVER EVER EVER . He has absolutely no blame .

    2 of my best friends , both extremely rich and religious never had a contact with any women in this world . They were the men who only believed in marriage . They both got married and later found out that their muslim wives had sexual relations and affair with boys before marrying them . Thanks To ALLAH , they divorced them . Now they have married some one who is like them .

    Personally speaking if I was that man , I would have dumped you in a second without having a second thought .

    All those people who think that a past is a past are wrong . Everybody have choice , whether to spend their early years in partying , having fun and committing sins or try to save yourself from all sort of immoralities .

    I am sorry but he is absolutely no one to blame . You had control over your body and you decided to commit sins and have wild immoral behavior in your early years , where as this man saved himself .

    "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."[Qur'an 24:26]

    "Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason."'[Qur'an 7:33]

    The woman and the man guilty of fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment. „
    —Qur'an, [Qur'an 24:2]

    Aren't these verses from quran pretty explicit . Do you stil want to argue on them ?? . I don't understand how easily people say that you cannot tell your perspective partner about your past . Let me tell you something , a man who have kept himself virgin and later found out that his wive before marriage had intentionally committed sins , he will never forget it . Even though he may forgive you but your past will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS HAUNT HIM FOR REST OF HIS LIFE .

    It is pretty amazing to see that how these muslim females are bashing that poor guy . I think no sane man would put up with this situation

    My ADVICE TO YOU WILL BE THAT LEAVE THIS MAN . YOU'LL DO A ENORMOUS FAVOUR ON HIM . MARRY SOME BODY ELSE BECAUSE EVEN IF HE MARRIES YOU , HE'LL DEFINITELY WILL NOT BE HAPPY . YOU MUST BE GUILTY OF YOUR PAST ACTIONS INSTEAD OF ACCUSING THIS MAN . THIS MAN HAVE FULL RIGHT TO BE MAD . I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU .

    P.S I don't know whether the moderation will approve of my post . But I know that I have posted facts . If you don't want to post my comment , then don't but I would then consider that your site cannot deal with facts .

    • Muslim man, no one is denying that zinaa is haram and a sin. But the sister has made her tawbah and changed her life. And she was honest and up front with this man about her past, and he accepted it. Now should she accept for him to torment her and abuse her for the rest of her life?

      I actually agree with you, she should leave him, not because she is not worthy of him, but because he is insecure and emotionally abusive.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wow,
        Surely you’re not a very merciful man indeed. I understand the struggles a male/female may experience when coming to know about their spouse’s past (and they themselves have no past) but the story you posted of your two best friend’s divorcing their first wives because they had a past stood out to me the most. You claim they are so “religious and rich”, then surely they are knowledgeable enough to know that Allah swt commands us to conceal our past, He is the most merciful and most forgiving? If a person has changed their ways and never walks that path again, who has given you “chaste” men the right to punish someone for their past?
        Don’t forget brother, Allah swt threw shaitaan out of jannat not because he denied to bow in front of Adam (A.S.) but due to his arrogance (he considered himself superior than the human race) so just because your “religious and rich” doesn’t make you any better than someone else. In fact, your religious commitment should reflect from your actions—divorcing someone based on their past, wow…
        I highly suggest that any men who think similar to this brother should make it crystal clear to their potential partner that they cannot accept a woman who has a past—no ifs, ands or buts. I don’t want any of my sisters who have repented from their past sins to marry someone who although is religiously committed, does not have an ounce of mercy or compassion for them.
        Sorry for coming out as “arrogant” or “harsh” but to me a religiously committed man should not act the way you are suggesting. Be merciful to Allah swt’s people and He will be merciful to you, inshAllah.
        PS: I can point out double the amount of versus from the Quraan that speaks of Allah swt's mercy and compassion. I highly suggest that you look into that aspect also, not only the versus that confirm your perceptions and biases.
        *The moderators are also free to delete my post, but I could not resist giving this brother a reality check*
        -Helping Sister

        • I wont argue any more now . It seems like you are firmly fixed on your viewpoint .

          I have personally seem how my friends have suffered . One of them came to know 3 years after marriage and the details are so disturbing that I can't even write them .

          He was devastated , couldn't go to his job for days and was on depression pills and still is . I even saw him crying . You people don't know the magnitude of mental torture a person has to go through when he finds out the reality . He just asked his ex-wife whether her past is true or not . She replied in affirmative . He didn't harmed her physically or emotionally , just divorced her . The pain was too much to bear .

          Wael .... have you noticed one thing . Her spouse have changed his behaviour after finding out the past . Before that he was perfect . I know how it feels and that's why I was having sympathy for her husband . Was he emotionally abusive before ??I guess Not . The reason he is now is because whenever he sees his wife , the thoughts are making him crazy . That's why I was just suggesting that its better to divorce because his behaviour will never change . I hope you understand

          Helping sister ........ . I don't need a reality check . We are not GOD ( nazobillah) . We are humans and we are weak . Even though a man can forgive his wife but he will never forget her past . It may sound a joke to you but trust me , I have seen it . And I pray to ALLAH that no men or women whether he or she is a muslim or not go through this pain .

          • A joke? You have no idea brother. Many of us women who have been used, abused, torutured and discarded like "crap" suffer so much pain and it takes us months and years to heal and then to face another emotional turmoil of facing our past is so burdensome.
            Men like you make me so hopeless you have no idea. I have so much emotional baggage to deal with right now and I do not mean to vent at you nor at your friend's previous marriage. I can understand how painful the experience must be to be exposed to such an experience but I guess we women have to suffer forever and in the hereafter also for committing a sin we have realized, asked for forgiveness and never returned to again.
            Thank you for your optimism. It really brings me "hope" for the future.
            I will refrain from writing on this issue any further.
            Apologies for offending you in any way but I want to re-iterate, this is NOT a joke for me.

          • "He was devastated , couldn't go to his job for days and was on depression pills and still is . I even saw him crying . You people don't know the magnitude of mental torture a person has to go through when he finds out the reality ."

            i really think you should tell that friemd of yours to man up, if he was weeping/taking depressant pills ['iyathanbillah] just because he found out his wife's past, then what chance does he have on aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the dark trails of life that will aflict him?

        • "I highly suggest that any men who think similar to this brother should make it crystal clear to their potential partner that they cannot accept a woman who has a past—no ifs, ands or buts. I don’t want any of my sisters who have repented from their past sins to marry someone who although is religiously committed, does not have an ounce of mercy or compassion for them."

          first of all, even if a girl has the most repugnent/disgracefull past, who said they should in anyway disclose it?

          the prophet[saww] said many many times that the worst of people in the sight of Allaah are those who disclose their sins.

          a man came to sayyidnaa 'Umar and said

          "oh leader of the believers, i have a girl, whom i burried in the days of jaahiliyyah, then i fel pity and dug her out whilst she was on the brink of death, so then we all came to know of islaam and we imbraced it, then my daughter did something which is worthy of the hadd [ie she fornicated], then she made sincere tawbah to Allaah swt, SO NOW, SOME YOUNG MEN HAVE COME TO ASK OF HER HAND, should i inform them about her past?

          'Umar said "woe to you, would you disclose a matter which Allaah has concealed, i swear by Allaah, if you dare tell them about her past, i will make a public lesson out of you [ie i will publically beat you]

          reported in taariikh tabaraani.

          so what i dont understand is why any girl would ever tell her husband her past, no matter how much he pressured her to?

          if he finds she is not bleeding after the fist time of the act, she is allowed to say something like she fell in a position which broke her hymen, or she performs execises which could tear it etc.hen in reality she may have lost it because of zina ['iyathanbillah]
          this is fully permissible and infact is encouraged.she is allowed to lie through her teeth in this case!

          if you have any female friends who have done anything which they shouldnt have, pleeeeeeaaaaaaase tell them to never ever disclose it.

    • Dear Muslim Man,

      I would like to tell you a story about a young man who has never married and is a virgin. I have known him since he was five years old.

      I also know of a girl who is 18 years old who is kind, funny, caring and a very devout Muslim.I have also known her since the age of 5 years old. She was a virgin and married. Unfortunately for her and her family...the man was a con...a liar and so much more. He abused her physically and verbally and when her first child was born, she was not even allowed to hold her daughter. He denied her contact with her family and basically, was slowly taking everything from her, even her dignity. After a year of living in hell, she returned to her family and this man took the child and her mother has never seen her since.

      The young man I told you about...the virgin? He asked for this young girls hand and married her. He could have married anyone but he chose her. He is good and kind to her and treats her like a queen. They have a beautiful son together and I have never seen a couple more in love and who respect each other as they do.

      Why would a man who is a virgin ask to marry a girl who was married and had a child? Because he could see beyond what you cannot. He could see a beautiful girl with amazing qualities...perfect as a spouse and to be the mother of his children. May Allah bless him and bestow goodness on him and his wife and children.

      I personally think that Dream and this man should end things but not for him...for her. Your right...he can't accept the fact that she has a past. So...they would both be much better off ending things right now. Inshallah, this man will find his "virgin" and Dream will find a man who will love and accept her for who she is and not what she was or what she did in her past.

      • She was divorced . Please, I am not against people who are divorced , widowed or raped .

        Prophet mohammad (SAW) married muslim women who were divorced and widowed , if prophet mohammad (SAW) married them them who I am I to object .

        My comments are to people who commit fornication . Whatever they do inside in marriage is lawful within the boundries of islam .

        • Dear Muslim Man,

          Like I said from my very first post, "red flags all over the place". If this man cannot accept and forgive Dream for her past, he should end things now. It is not a good beginning to any relationship to have doubt nor mistrust especially with someone whom you wish to share your life with and have a family.

          May each of these individuals find happiness in life with partners who will love and cherish them for who they are and the qualities they each possess.

          As for you Muslim Man...I hope to see you more here on this website. It makes it a bit interesting when we can see the viewpoints of others on various issues. This website is amazing and the fact that we can each have our own opinions and share them is pretty cool.

          Peace

  8. I am extremely sorry if I have hurt your emotions . It's just that I have this strict behaviour that I cannot get rid off . .If you think that any future repented muslim man or women would get discouraged after reading my post and would never hope to get marry and have a good life , then delete my post if you want to . I was stating what I and most men think . I will now never answer any questions on this website ....

    • As salamu alaykum, a muslim man and Helping Sister,

      First of all, I am going to ask for forgiveness to both of you, second I want to let you know what I think about the way you have interacted with each other, if you think I shouldn´t do it, for sure you both are right but this cannot be finished like this, I think, then again please forgive me, insha´Allah

      A muslim man, you have expressed yourself and you have all the right to do it inside what it is considered straight and respectful, you have answered using the Quran and your own life experiece, and all of that deserves all my respect, commenting today here and expressing your strict behaviour has helped to soften your Heart, Allah(swt) has infinite ways, you have been learning through the hard way today, I thank from all my Heart to Helping Sister, she has been sharing with you her soft Heart and her warmth has melted some of the hardness of yours, Alhamdulillah.

      Now someway Helping Sister is carrying with some of your pain and you are carrying with some of her pain, this is the way, there is no other, we are individuals but all that we think affects the others someway or the other cause a reaction, and this reaction sometimes moves us from roots, both of you have shaken each other, and both of you have had the same reaction at the end, not answer on this topic and don´t answer on this website, I do encourage both of you to continue working on this topic and on this website, both of you have done today a big movement in your lives, you will have the other on your mind for a long time, you need to forgive one the other, because this way you will be able to move forward, you have a lot to learn one for the other, I see it so clear listening to both of you, but will be up to you, insha´Allah.

      Helping Sister, you are such a wonderful human being, you deserve the best of this world and the next one, insha´Allah. I know you are deeply hurt and some of your wounds maybe bleeding today, but trust my beloved sister, there are many men out there thinking the way they think, but remember that there are many muslim men that don´t share those thoughts, there are many muslim men that live in the present and love the person that have in front of them, the person that is the way she is, thanks to those struggles, yes, thank to those struggles, they have someone in front of them that will be the most wonderful human being they have had in front of their eyes.

      My beloved Sister, you are a shining diamond and be sure that the man that will be close to you will be the man you deserve and I want you to think you deserve the best of the man that will be on this Earth, insha´Allah, you have done wrong, you have repented sincerely and Allah(swt) is helping you to do your best to walk straight forgiving yourself and the others. Your soft Heart is now in pain, but my beloved Sister, you are brave, you have been there defending what you think it is right and brother a muslim man has been touched by you, Alhamdulillah, you have made a difference in his life and for sure, he has made a difference in your life, Alhamdulillah.

      I tell both of you, don´t give up, all of us has a lot to improve and the only way to improve is to give a step forward and be able to talk without fear and be open that if we are wrong we can improve learning what it is right, don´t take anything personal, all of us have a different background, culture, ... many, many little aspects that can enrichens us while sharing, we have to be able to listen and accept others are different from us, but doesn´ t mean none of us is right, we all have a little bit of the big truth, all of us have something to learn and to teach the other, be open to this please, insha´Allah.

      I really hope from all my Heart to see both of your comments on the future, both of you have a lot to offer to all the brothers and sisters in need of help, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • What a beautiful response MashaAllah!
        I completely agree with this.
        Remember dear brothers and sisters that if hardships and even mistakes bring a person towards Allah then they are a blessing. It may be that a sin 'wakes up' a person in limbo and brings them to the right path. It may make a person feel less arrogant or stop looking down on others. Of course I am not an advocate for sinning, but ask yourselves if Allah can do anything why did He make us sinful? He loves our repentance. So Allah knows best it may be that the one who has sinned but repented is better in Allahs eyes than the one who has not sinned, it may not be.

        Sara
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Asalamolaikum sister Maria,
        Your post brought tears to my eyes. I love you for your kind words and for the sake of Allah swt. After responding to brother A Muslim Man, I was just so hurt that I cried myself to sleep. You are correct; I do have a lot of pain inside me right now so when I read this brother’s post I felt even more hopeless. However, I understand this brother’s perception and respect his views. I just hope that not all Muslim men think along the same lines because then there will be no hope for me or those Muslim sisters who have repented from their past sincerely.
        Brother A Muslim Man, please do not take my response as a personal target to you. I have a lot in my life that I am dealing with right now and in a way I projected my pain and anger towards your response. I am by no means personally targeting you. I apologize also for hurting you, please do forgive me.
        -Helping Sister

        • I would have never replied back . The only reason I am writing this is because

          "After responding to brother A Muslim Man, I was just so hurt that I cried myself to sleep"

          Dear sister . You may get an impression from my above post that I am cold and not mercy full . I am not like that . I am now more ashamed that I was the one who made you cry . If I had known you in real life . I would have literally begged you to forgive me . I know that ALLAH never forgives that person who have hurt his human beings . ALLAH will only forgive me if you forgive me . I know that when a person cries , he must be deeply hurt .

          I landed on this site to find some way I could help my affected friend. I didn't want to reply to this question but then I got carried away and wanted to tell you sisters how a man feels .

          For last 8 years , I have kept my mouth shut on this issue . Throughout my whole life I have seen this happening . From school to college to university and now in work . I have seen many many families and people destroyed . I have been mocked as "old fashioned man " , "stone age man " , "extremist " "fundamentalist" . I have been insulted some times because I tried to stop muslim man and women from committing this sin . This not love , it's lust . I even told muslim women not to indulge in a relationship with a particular man , but they won't listen until they learn the hard way and now the way their living their lives , It's so depressing .

          I know that some men are like that , they use women and then throw them away . It just really makes me sad that girls fall for their crap and lovey dovy stuff . I have been even told by some men to have fun with as many women as I can until I am old enough to marry .

          This really makes me sick . My mother taught me to respect women and she acted as barrier b/w me and women . Prophet mohammad (SAW) once said that " Its better for a man to strike a nail in his head rather then to touch the hand of a non-mahram woman "

          There must be a reason , that's why prophet mohammad .(SAW) said that .

          I would again ask for your forgiveness . I think that it was my mistake that I wrote in a very harsh manner and it would have been better for me to kept my advices and opinions to myself . I , again am saying this that If the moderators feel that my post will cause serious emotional damage to any future male or female who have changed themselves . Then please delete my post .

          My opinions doesn't matter sister . You have full life ahead , do whatever you want . I pray that you Inshallah will find a great muslim man who would treat you like a princess .

          • Asalamoalaikum brother AMuslimMan,
            I, like others also encourage you to keep writing on this website. Do not let this experience deter you from helping other potentials who are in the hands of wrong people. The experiences you (through your friends) and I have gone through are a means of sharing valuable information to others that can potentially save their lives from getting ruined. After reading your response, I have come to realize that you were paining and looking for help here (in regards to your friend) and I have been paining and helping others here to alleviate a bit of my suffering to feel like I am owing back to others to make Allah swt happy (inshAllah).
            I am so proud that there are men like you who value women and do not use them as a means of enjoyment. Do not ever feel less than those who “mock” you. They have no idea how much respect us Muslimahs have for those men who know truly how to respect a woman. You are right, many of us fall weak but more importantly, many of us lack Islamic knowledge and fall in the trap of shaitaan. Sometimes we are saved, but many of the times, until the damage hasn’t cut us so deep, we don’t realize what a mess we’re in. To put it in a nutshell, we both had some type of pain that we are coping with and came on this website and projected it on one another. And since my pain is rather fresh your post triggered me and I couldn’t help but lash out. Again, I apologize; I should have not reacted in such a way without knowing your experiences. Maybe if I had read your post years down the road once I have healed inshAllah, then it wouldn’t have hurt because the pain I experienced would be in the past. But as I am experiencing a variety of emotions right now, I just couldn’t help myself but cry. Again, as I said in my pervious post, I am by no means targeting you in any way.
            I encourage you to write here on IA and help others who need your help brother. It is our duties as Muslims who have experiences to share (both positive and negative) that we help others that are in need. Do not let our encounter deter you from the helping these people, inshAllah.
            -Helping Sister

        • Walaykum as salam, My beloved Helping Sister,

          I do love you too, I do admire your courage and you sweet and soft Heart, you are being so good to many, me included, Masha´Allah.

          Barak Allah Feek.

          From Heart to Heart,

          María
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • As salamu alaykum, brother a muslim man,

        Thank you for sharing and opening your Heart to us, I would love you to understand how important is that you give your opinion from a loving way and don´t stop communicating because you feel guilty now.

        A part of the process of growing up is to commit mistakes, learn from them, solve them and being able to move on, if you dissappear now, you will be feeling down because you have on you the shadow of hurting others and this scares you, you can do it better, you have learnt from your mistakes don´t scape now, there are many young girls and boys that need to listen to adults that have taken the straight Path and are healthy, loving, caring people that worry about them and the choices they take in life, Alhamdulillah.

        Through your now loving words you can avoid many young people to be victims of predators or becoming themselves predators, I know I am asking you to be a Light to guide people to the Straight Path, insha´Allah.

        Please, forgive me if in any moment I have hurt you, I didn´t mean to do it. I would really appreciate your Presence and have you around being a Light for others, insha´Allah.

        Related to your friend, it will be up to you and to him if you want to share with us, insha´Allah.
        You said he is already on medical treatment to survive to this, that worries me and I believe through your words, you are really worried about him. There are many wonderful people giving advice and support on this site, he may need to know he is important to all of us and maybe who knows we can give a glimpse of Light to him to help him to heal his wounds, insha´Allah.

        I know for sure that your friend is already in the Heart of all of us that have listened from him, I will have him in my prayers, insha´Allah.

        Barak Allah Feekum.

        All my Unconditional Respect,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        Only Allah(swt) knows.

        • I agree completely with sister Maria - your thoughts are important and InshaAllah together we can all make a difference to peoples lives. We all have different angles and different insights to offer based on our wisdom and experiences. I will say no more, as she has summed it up nicely MashaAllah. I just want to clarify I did not mean that your opinion did not matter - just that in general any persons opinion does not represent the truth necessarily. I hope you understand. Please Muslim man, Helping sis, Ineedhelp and John and any one else please do forgive me if I have hurt or offended any of you in anyway, it was not my intention.

          Sara
          IslamicAnswers.com

      • Just one more thing for all of us, Brother Wael shared with us in IslamicSunrays this beautiful Poem, http://islamicsunrays.com/i-asked-allah-for-strength/

        “I asked Allah for strength and Allah gave me difficulties to make me strong.
        I asked Allah for wisdom and Allah gave me problems to solve.
        I asked Allah for courage and Allah gave me obstacles to overcome.
        I asked Allah for love and Allah gave me troubled people to help.
        I asked Allah for favors and Allah gave me opportunities.
        Maybe I received nothing I wanted, but I received everything I needed – Alhamdulillah.”

        - Anonymous author

        Masha´Allah, it is so beautiful.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Sorry for the late replay . I was busy with my exams .

          However , thank you all for your kind responses , Maria M , Helping sister , Sara and Najah . Inshallah, I will try to be active on this site .

          P.S I am still waiting on Mr.Wael's reply to my above posted question .Seems , like he has disappeared since then .

          • Prepositional error

            P.S I am still waiting for Mr.Wael's reply to my above posted question . Seems , like he has disappeared since then .

          • Jazak Allahu Khairan, brother A muslim man.

            I hope you have good marks in your exams, insha´Allah.

            Nice to know about you.

            Barak Allah Feekum.

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Salamaoalikum wr wb,

    Thanks a lot for your notes.

    I have been reading the above posts and felt the problem does not lie either with subject brother or sister. It is about a vaccum in the heart of the couple and how they find ways to fill it up.

    If I were to believe myself, then most Muslim men would not generally trash a girl (revert or otherwise- I would say subject sister to be revert here) after accepting her with her past. Infact it would be proud to accept her knowing she wasnot a Muslimah but accepted Islam and has changed like anything after that - that being the case, why then, after marraige, her past starts to bother her husband. Please observe that the brother is not torturing her, either physically or mentally - he is just hurt and it is just the reaction. I would return to it as to why it starts to bother good, loving Muslim husbands like subject brother.

    And if you give me credibility - then take it from me that subject sister is one of the most sincere Muslimah living with us this time. She is hundred and ten percent commited to her husband - she loves him a lot and there is nothing much which a man ask for from his wife. Inspite of all of these things go hay wire - I believe it is because...

    The way sister/s would have some times presented or projected her past to him - I am quite sure that she would have been overly naive and would have said something from her past that would have hit this brother like anything. He would have been thrown a thousand feet deep inside where, he may be, even would have visualized things from her past.

    I have this very very important suggestion especially for sisters:

    Please, Please, Please, for Allah (SWT) sake, never project or say anything even remotely connected from your past smack dab on your man's face either in your bubblyness, naiveness, over excitement etc - feel the gravity of your sin and speak with that seriousness with him always- he would not be able to bear that. Once you have informed things from your past (before your marraige) and he has accepted it - both of you are done with it - never bring the skeletons out even indirectly. Always think before speaking that "would it remind him anything from my past".

    For the subject sister - I suggest and request her to go meet him personally, in real time (and not over phone). He will be angry or atleast frustrated to see you. It is normal that he will vent all his anger by shouting on you, this is very probable. But that is ok, he is just being human here - once he has all his emotional vent off - you need to apologize to him once again, make him feel confident, make him feel special. Say to him that you do understand his pain and that you were REALLY wrong. Say to him that Allah (SWT) can even forgiven "Shirk" which is the most heinious sin, thus, you ask apologies from him. Inshallah, he will forgive you, becasue I know he loves you - he is just hit badly - he is in pain right now.

    sincerely,
    Q.M.

  10. Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    SUBHANALLAH !! We had a similar post , from one of our sisters, the only difference is that, the other sister is at the critical point and ask us if she should tell her fiance or not. Now this is a complete story how it would have been if she did tell her husband. In many cases this would have been a result. I have worked in a community for couple of years and i used to do lots of marriege councelling. I have seen the consequesces of the sisters who have past history and told their husband..

    There is a big Hikma when prophet recommended to keep your sin a secret.
    From among the teachings of Allahs Messenger (peace be upon him) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to ones honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night.

    It is a human nature to be jelouse. Even if a man will eccept your past at the time, is probably because he is in love with you, but after marriege that story would hunt him. He would imagine every detail you told him and he wont be at rest. There will also be little memories here and there every after sometime which will remind him with what you have said. The is one of our sister in whom i have done the councelling for, was LITERALLY MENTALLY ABUSED.
    During the councelling i also realised some men, By not telling their sin before marriege, did not mean they didnt commit any, they just wanted to know about their wives and kept theirs hidden.

    It hurts to see some women who actually turn to allah and became good muslimah and their husband who do not have any right to judge them, treat them like trash.
    There is one particular case in which the woman was making plans with her husband on how to raise their kids, you know what the husband said ?, what do you know, you your self had a BF. I was like what ??????
    you do not have rights on even how to raise your kids ?

    Every discussion she had, the subject would be brought up, literally she does not have a say.
    ohh dear brothers you will be questioned for your every actions, and when you get married you have responsibility and you will be questioned how you carry your responsibility. Is better not to marry than to abuse a woman. Or make sure you marry the one who does not have a past by asking people arround her. A man was not given haq to carry out punishment here in this dun-ya, this is only allah's job.

    The other thing i have noticed, there is a trend in all these cases, all these women when they are insulted day after day, they dont respond because they feel they deserve that, and they feel little and ashamed.
    Well that woman should feel ashamed inside her, and repent and that's it it stop there. Not made ashamed by a human being who was created just like her, who must have his own sinn to repent and not consentrate on yours.

    ohh brothers by doing this your purifying your wives with their sinns they have committed and you are carry dhulma for your selves.WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING CONVERTERS ? THEY WILL BE WELL SCARED TO GET MARRIED WITH MUSLIM MEN. AND THIS IS NOT WHAT OUR RELIGION IS TEACHING US. WE HAVE TO POTRAY TRUE ISLAM NOT REACT IRRATIONAL.

    Dear parents who read this, dont just tell your kids to avoid zinaa, but do put fear in them of allah and tell them the consequesces in the day of judgement, how they will be punished and consequences on this dun-ya how tough their lives will be after they get married with the bad past and how hard it will be to hide their sin.

    what ever is forbbiden in islam, there is a reason for it.
    Please forgive me if i upset any one

    Amna.

  11. Prophet Muhammad SWA said,

    Allah has revealed to me, that you must be humble. No one should boast over one another, and no one should oppress another." (Iyad b. Hinar al-Mujashi: Muslim)

    No one who keeps his mind focussed entirely upon himself, can grow large, strong and beautiful in character.

    "Allah will not give mercy to anyone, except those who give mercy to other creatures." (Abdullah b. Amr: Abu Daud & Tirmidhi)

    "Who is the most favoured of Allah? He, from whom the greatest good comes to His creatures." (Bukhari

    "The most excellent Jihad is that for the conquest of self." (Bukhari)

    Kindness is a mark of faith: and whoever hath not kindness hath not faith.

    Verily God instructs me to be humble and lowly and not proud; and that no one should oppress another.

    Deal gently with the people, and be not harsh; cheer them and condemn them not. Ye will meet with many 'people of the Book' who will question thee, what is the key to Heaven? Reply to them (the key to Heaven) to testify to the truth of God, and to do good work.

    "Whoever is kind, Allah will be kind to him; therefore be kind to man on the earth. He Who is in heaven will show mercy on you."(Abu Daud: Tirmidhi)

    "You will not enter paradise until you have faith; and you will not complete your faith till you love one another." (Muslim)

    He will not enter hell who hath faith equal to a mustard seed in his heart; and he will not enter Paradise who hath a single grain of pride, equal to a mustard seed, in his heart.

    Whoever hath been given gentleness hath been given a good portion, in this world and the next.

    What actions are most excellent? To gladden the heart of a human being, to feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, to lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the wrongs of the injured.

    God is not merciful to him who is not kind to mankind.

    Amna

  12. Salaam,
    I,m a 21 years old guy and 9 moths ago on 13 th october I got engaged to a girl I was truly in love with. She told me in the very beginning that she had been in a relationship twice and so was I. my relationships were not physical I mean they involved kissing and hugging but had limits. Then after 4 months of engagement she told me that she had oral sex with both of them, and I was devastated. Seriously devastated. And I reacted the same way like hurting her and keep throwing past infront of her. She started to repent and she really did. She gave me love that I know no one will ever give me, but due to my behavior, now she doesnt even talk to me, saying wait for an year and then think again whether you want to marry me or not. :(,
    She has blocked my number and families dont know. But yeah I miss her and love her a lot. I want to give her the most beautiful memories and I tried too but those flashbacks of past were too hurting.
    Now, she is not with me, though we are engaged but how long it takes in breaking engagements here in this society. And now is the time, when I miss her like crazy. I so wanted to tell her that Yeah I love you, come back and we are one again forever. It doesnt mean that I,m not having those "Flashbacks" disturbing me anymore, They still do... But the thing is she is my love, and I have to accept her as thats what Islam tells us.
    FORGIVE!!! And yes I have forgiven her and I,m ready to accept that pain forever for my love.
    What I believe is That if Allah almight forgives, who are you? Its all about ego and nothing else. You have to remove that "I" from your heart. Just think of giving love and you are okay. Seriously.
    I read on a website somewhere that
    "Once a man came to prophet P.B.U.H saying he wants to marry his daughter, who will be the suitable person for him"? Prophet P.B.U.H said "Find a god fearing man, Because if he likes her, he will love her and if he dislikes her, he will never do her wrong".
    So all sisters, just find a God fearing person and Inshallah you will be blessed with beautiful lives ahead.
    After reading these posts, I learned a lot. And I have plan set now. I,m gonna accept her no matter how bad she was because she repented. And thats what one has to do, Taubah is a blessing for us muslims Alhamdulilah.
    So, If I can do that, though I wasnt a fornicator, Anyone can do that. You just have to have a big heart. If there is love, then anything is possible.
    Regards
    Baila

  13. Alhamdulilah

    I'm a virgin muslim guy. I'm engaged and about to marry a girl whom i love, value, and appreciate more than anything in the world. While I was more and more getting to know her, i came to know (she told me naively, but i Wish i never knew) about her sinful past! I was -and partially still- shocked and devastated in a situation similar to that guy. I thought it's unfair, regardless she's repented and although she's done that while she's still christian, I though that a pure and modest person would be able to control their lust even without someone dictating them Qur'an verses telling them not to sleep with someone just for good time. I also thought that I was far from islam myself, but I would never for a second give my whole body and purity to shaitan (simply for fun!!) Thoughts -in the beginning- kept eating me up until I was constantly crying and even weeping over it. I literally were unabke to even go to work. I was damaged to the core (and still partially is). Im still trying to heal completely. Now i hate sin more than anything in this world, and im so touchy whenever purity related discussion is raised. I had few incidents shaming her (when she might have doen a less modest act islamically) about her past. This thing have destroyed my happiness, eventhough now I control my thoughts not to feel devastated, this thing is still in my heart hurting me so bad. I pray everyday that i become strong enough to forget those details, but so far I can't 🙁
    I advise sisters to never bring up those things to your possible spouses (esp if those guys have been moral and pure all along the line). you are their happiness and love and princesses don't ruin their happiness and love with the evil of sin and the life lasting pain and bitterness they will always have inside, even if they keep it silent. And more important is that you show how really ashamed you are and that you feel sick of the past you (whenever the chance get you) This helps and heals for sure. And not just be like "im happy with the myself and I love my past which made me the person I am now" sayings. There should not be peace with such impure past, rather a hard and bad lesson that, someone you no longer are, has done it and that you would do anything to go back in time and change it and preserve something that allah gave you to give to give to your lawful spouse. And never use excuses like (I was christian, I was confused, I didn't care of myself back then, I was childish)... those statements never make it better.. Rather (in case you have mistaken and disclosed such disgraceful acts) show regret whenever such matter is raised and show pain and show that it disturbs you. Repentance is not a word that we say, its an attitude of regretfulness and shame and constant willing to change even what is now sadly unchangeable. Tell your spouse things like "iwish I could go back in time and preserve what is (should be) yours, and give you my whole self and my whole untouched body" "i would slap myself awake and never do that" "those past things hurt me always to remember or even think of" that attitude helps complete healing enshallah. Please brothers and sisters pray for my heart to rest and my soul to be strong enough to forgive and get me over the agony I go through every while..

    Wa Jazakum Allah khairan
    and Allah knows best

    • Assalamu aleykum, bro!
      Years passed, what is your condition now? I suffer from the same at the moment: I have good wife, fully muslimah, I love her and she loves me, but she had bad sin in her past with the man she was in relationship before Islam. Sometimes I get depressed and don't know what to do. Gimme some advices.

      My situation is very very near to yours: 10 years we live together but the pain is still in my heart. If I knew before nikah that it would be in this painful sufferring condition , I better hadn't made nikah with her... But I realized it just now at the age of 35. At 25 y.o I was too young and been romantic..

  14. to all,

    keeping your past a secret is obligatory and it is haram to expose your sins that much is true.
    however, something like a girl losing her virginity...i have spoken to my doctor friends, both male and female and they both told me in the affirmative that once a woman does have sex, her organs change and it is easily discernible if a woman is virgin or no.

    so yes keep your sins to yourself, but when the husband finds out on wedding night that the girl has been places before marriage, what then? do you really want to keep this big a secret until the very last moment, just to have it all fall apart on the wedding night?

    virgin men rarely get over their non-virgin wive's pasts, so i dont know its a slippery slope on this one.

    thanks

  15. I admire your honesty and our Prophet (PBUH) is known for his honesty. I believe the pain and suffering caused due to your honesty will be rewarded many-fold in this world and afterlife. Pray to Allah for peace and happiness.

  16. Salam Aleykum dear brothers and sisters,

    This is a real difficult topic. I think we all know very well, why even coming near ZINA is haram. Sadly, women fall prey to "bad" boys' tongue. Their persuasive attitude and confidence persuade young girls into a haram relationship, not knowing for these types of boys its a number game. We all know the cycle, they break up afterwards and then the girl is left in a state in which she might hate all men. While the shy and not so confident guys struggles with daily life. And in later stages the young girl find it hard to find a good halal boy.

    This is the harsh reality. And then we expect that the halal boys should accept the girl who had done major sin in her past? No, we should fix the problem at hand. Let people marry young, let them work, let them get their diploma fast and find a job to support a family. This is an issue for the whole ummah sadly.

    My advice is of course to hide your sin, a halal boy might accept the sinful past of their future wife in the beginning, because of "first love", but the chances that he will think of it is HIGH in later stages it will SURELY BUG HIM. Satan will use it definetly as a weapon to hurt you! So rather telling them about it and not lie about this huge sin, just break up with him respectfully. You can keep it short by saying: "You are a good elhamduliah person, but we have our differences, which is why I dont want to marry you".

    Do not marry, because it will hurt him and yourself in later phases of your life.

    One quote hit me, that was in the line with:

    "A girl choses the relationship and a boy takes the relationship he can take. While a boy chooses who the marry, while a girl takes the hand of who she can marry."

    My ADVICES:

    My advice to my sisters, DO NOT START a relationship NEVER, if you really want someone then think if u want to marry them. Bring mahram ASAP to the case and NEVER fall prey to the persuasive tongue of MEN. And save yourself to your husband! Believe me it is the GREATEST gift u can give to your husband!

    My advice to my brothers, DO NOT PLAY with the hearts of someone elses (future wife), focus on yourself become a MEN first, and only go to a relationship if you want to marry her. DO not go physical with her! Talk and keep it always halal, and never think u are halal, satan is the third person and can lead u to haram!

    And overall, do not start a relationship, think of it as a way that you are CHEATING on the person Allah svt has already written for you!

    Allah svt made us in pairs, dont lose hope trust Allah svt! May Allah svt forgive us and accept us to JANNAH!

    Sincerely yours,

    a random Turkish brother

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