Islamic marriage advice and family advice

how to patchup a relationship broken from my mistakes.

break up

I was in a relationship with a girl I love a lot. We were together for about 2.5 years before breaking up last week. For about 1.5 years we fought a lot, and most of the fights were from my side but the reasons were logical. I wanted to protect her from bad eyes and bad people (we study in a place where there are very backward people). The whole university knows about our relationship, thus I told her to avoid other guys so that she is safe from false statements from people.

The other BIG reason was that we both got involved in a physical relation with each other and lost our virginities, but we both knew that we loved each other a lot. It was real love. Then suddenly one day about 1 year ago, she stopped the physical relation by herself. I know she was right and that she did it for Allah, but I don't know what I had in mind as I forced her. She did not agree and this resulted in fights then more fights. She used to come to me to talk, but I pushed her away saying that she doesn't listen to me. I wanted that relationship, may Allah forgive me for that reason.

Then she wanted to make new friends. I did not allow her to be friends with some specific people that had done bad to her in the past (REALLY BAD), but she wanted to talk to them. I allowed her to be friends with a few people and wanted my private time. We fought a lot for many reasons. Being in a relationship, I demanded a lot, but many things were invalid and I should have allowed her to do them; but some were valid too that I asked her for.

All the last 1.5 year she came to me and I pushed her away. When she didn't listen to my words I took a step ahead, and I gave her letters and notes back that she gave to me. I gave her back the ring she gave me that I had on my neck all this time. I didn't give it back with the intention to break up, I just thought that I might scare her and make her listen to me but I was so wrong. I did wrong and I realized everything. Each and every single moment when I was bad to her and did wrong, she kept trying all this time to love me and she really did- but I was a fool blinded by my will and anger.

Now when I've realized I was wrong and I should mend things, she is done now. She left me and broke up so bad that I've been trying for the past week to convince her to give me one more chance, but she won't agree and told me to f*** off. She told me she hates me, and said "you can't make up for the 2 years you threw me away took me for granted".  Only ALLAH knows I've changed and realized my mistake and how every moment I was wrong. I want my chance to solve everything and to make her happy and mend things, but she is not agreeing. What should I do? I'm too depressed and sad. I would not have been sad if I didn't realize my mistakes, but I have realized it and it's making me too guilty to live and breathe.

-mohammad arsalan

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6 Responses »

  1. We all make mistakes , and it must feel horrible knowing you upset her this much.

    All you can do now is apologize, maybe send her a well written and thought out email and hope she accepts you.

    If she doesn't, move on my brother. There was a lesson that you needed to learn from this, and make sure you keep it in your heart in case she comes back or your next relationship. Be kind to those you love and don't control them.

    Allah has a plan for everyone, and whatever he wills cannot be prevented. She will be in your life if it's meant to be. If not, just let her go. I know it's easier said than done, just make dua and pray iistikhara if she s the right person for you and if you should persue this relationship.

    May Allah name your situation easy, it's hard when you hurt someone's feeling, especially the people you love.

  2. Brother.

    Promise to do this.
    1. Learn quran completely. Take maximum time to read and understand one verse even,
    2. Do ur prayers regularly.
    3. Do not talk about your sorrows or depression to anyone except Allah.
    4. Refrain from bad activities and bad talks.
    5.Watch Yasmin mogahed, nouman Ali khan and Muftimenk videos a lot. I MEAN A LOT.

    Believe me after all this, there will be some answers you will get In Sha Allah.

    It helped me from going psycho and insane.

    Do not contact her. Eventually everything will be fine. At the same time if everything gets okay.. do not delay your marriage. Start to appreciate things. Do not involve in haram actions again. Tell your mother / father to go to her house to ask her hand for marriage.

    Again.. do all the 5 first and then proceed with the last paragraph. It may take a year.

  3. Know that when a human acts in accordance to his Hawā, he will find himself in disgrace and humiliation, even if this Hawā does not harm him, that is because he feels subdued by his Hawā, but when he overcomes his Hawā, he will find in himself honor and pride as he will feel triumphant and victorious. For this reason, when people see an ascetic they become amazed by him, and they would kiss his hand [to show respect] because they perceive him as a person who is strong enough to leave what they were weak in the face of and that is disobeying Hawā.

    [Transcribed from: Disciplining the Soul; Tibb al-Ruhāni | Ibn al-Jawzi]

    Hawa is desires.

    If you are caught in confusion between two matters, and you don’t know what is right and what is wrong. At that point, disobey your desires; for indeed desires, only lead the soul to what is blameworthy and wrong.
    — Imām ash-Shafi’ī رحمه الله

  4. Salaams,

    I think it's sufficient to say that when we treat another person badly, and they choose to leave us, we can't really blame them.Women have a very hard time feeling comfortable with someone who they felt was controlling or neglectful of their emotions. You may have changed now, but that won't change what's already happened for her. She needs to feel secure that you won't repeat those same actions, and maybe there's no way she has that confidence even if you have changed.

    I think it's best to let her go and move on. If you've truly changed, use the lessons you've learned to be a better man to someone else, and of course pursue things the proper way this time. By the way, feeling regretful and knowing what you did wrong doesn't necessarily mean you've changed. Change only comes by making different decisions in the same type of situation, so basically you would have to be with another girl and NOT try to restrict her from her friends, control her, push her away, and take her for granted.

    -Amy Editor

  5. "The other BIG reason was that we both got involved in a physical relation with each other and lost our virginities,"...............

    They are studying and he has shown no intention to marry her. The boy may reconcile with the girl and if not, probably find another girl and get into another haram relation.

    What they both did was a major sin of Zina, and Allah mentioned not to go near Zina, and going near Zina is also a sin.

    Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No adulterer is a believer at the moment when he is committing adultery.” Another of the effects of zina is that it exposes one to the possibility of being one of the inhabitants of the oven (tannoor) in Hell, which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw the adulterers and adulteresses.

    What these individuals must do is stop their sin & haram relationship immediately and break all contact with each other, and repent to Allah sincerely for what they have done, and never repeat it again.

    I think when we are replying to individuals we should always advise them with Islamic perspective in mind, which Alhamdulillah is the case most of the times, but here, some of the replies look to me more like the one's by those agony aunties in the Q&A section of a dating or a relationships site giving boyfriend-girlfriend relationship answers, rather than answers from an Islamic Q&A site.

  6. Why don't you marry (do nikah) with her and everything you do will be accepted by ALLAH.

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