Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please help a new sister !!

Hello,

I am new to Islam, and I live in the States 🙂

2 years ago, I became friends with a Muslim guy through mutual friends who use to hang out all the time. I did not know he was Muslim at the time and in the following months we entered into a relationship. I ended up loosing my virginity to him, something that I had kept onto for a very long time but I love and trust him. He had already been in previous relationships before but I do not let that bother me. (A quick side note, I was christened but wasn't practicing although have always believed in God). Some way or another I found out he was Muslim, this did not bother me in the slightest and I began to learn about the religion, and read the Qu'ran. This happened over the space of many months, and I thank Allah for being so patient with me and allowing my faith to build, as I was reading one night it just hit me- Islam is the word of God and everything was slowly making sense. Fast forward a few months I reverted after more studying because I wanted to feel confident in what I was believing in. I reverted and it was the best feeling in the world, just thinking about it makes me want to cry (with joy).

I get on well with my boyfriends mother but have not been accepted by his father - let alone even met him. His dad believes I have only converted/reverted to marry his son, and I will steal their money and I am not Arab like them and I am a white American. That is truly not the case, Islam was bought to me through my boyfriend and I strongly believe he was placed in my life for a reason. He makes me want to become a better Muslim and I hope god willing- I will become his wife one day.

I know I am in a relationship and that is forbidden and it makes me very sad as I don't wish to go against the word of God but I truly believe I will marry my boyfriend and we have the support from his mother. However his Dad is trying to arrange a marriage for his son, which he doesn't want (I don't know his mothers opinion on it but we talk every not and then) My boyfriend has told me himself he is not thinking about marriage for sometime and he believes the same as me that Allah put us together for a reason. He is staying with me because he believes I will prove his father wrong and I believe he has his hesitations because of his father and numerous other things that aren't fair for me to mention. I do not know what to do, his mother has said I can come over and meet him she is just worried about his father saying something horrible. One of their family friends a white revert/convert told me to do the same thing and go over uninvited, but I want to gain his fathers respect and let him know I am a good girl. I have only ever been with his son, I work hard and I have good intentions and I will be a good wife and mother.

Except I am so afraid... my family are also not religious and do not know I am Muslim they will not take me seriously if I tell them, and they will think my boyfriend has forced it on to me- which he has not in the slightest. I do not know how to tell my parents and I hate lying to them. It means I have to pray in the middle of the night and I am so scared of being  caught, I cannot focus and give my full devotion to my prayers which hurts me so much. I don't even know if they will be accepted because I read the prayers off a piece of paper with instructions (a starter pack given to me as a present) I am planning to go to the mosque and get some help but I am just so scared no one will take me seriously, I told one of my friends and she doesn't believe I'm doing it seriously. I want to tell my parents and I want to teach them about Islam.  It is also hard for me because I cannot wear the hijab all the time which is something I really want to do... I wear it when I am with my boyfriend and when I go out to other cities and I take myself on holidays to the beach a fair bit just so I can live my life the way I want to for a few days and it makes me feel so much happier. I just want to tell my parents, and be accepted by my boyfriends parents and then eventually marry him, because I hate how what I am doing is wrong but our intentions are pure to be together... I just don't feel like I really have anyone as all my friends drink and go out and sleep around and I have never been that type of person.

I am also worried no other guy will ever want me now because I have already had sex with my boyfriend... he has been with other girls and it really bothered me and upset me, because he was my first and I don't want anyone else. I also worry how will I find someone else to marry me, when my parents are not in the Muslim community?

I just really don't know what to do with everything going on in my life and I am really struggling to come to terms with everything 🙁 Please help 🙁 I know this won't last forever but it is making me feel so sick and insecure within myself 🙁

newmuslimgirl21


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4 Responses »

  1. First alhamdulillah you're ready to convert, try to meet the boys father and also try talking to your parents you must be though it's so difficult , and if you go to the masjid ofcos they'll take you serious. Your boyfriend has done wrong coming to live with you which is so unislamic, and having sex before marriage is a very great sin it is very very wrong,you have to stop doing the wrong things if you want Allah's help. Ofcos your prayers inshaAllah will be accepted if you've done the kalimatusshahada. Saying you believe no deity is to be worshipped except Allah and Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him is the messenger of Allah,and if you've done ghusl the bath for purity. And Allah has seen your intention actions are judged according to intentions

  2. Asallam onalikum dear sister welcome to islam its all by Allah wills masha Allah and about your bf and whatever he did with you its his job now to marry you he does not need his father permission anymore now after what he did with you inam talking about wrong doing x don,t let your self trap by shytan and try to not close to him in that way if you want to meet him meet him with his mother indeed bf gf thing is haram and its one of shytan trap which later lead to big sin like zina etc may Allah guide all of us and may Allah bring joy and endless happiness in your life and i am not getting one thing that if he is muslim why he did x before marriage i know it was a trap by shytan but now he must marry you and if he can not marry you now than leave him and move Allah door is always open for forgiveness to his people there will be surely a good one for you insha Allah and one more thing do not expose your sin to public like social media etc when Allah hide them we should not expose them and one more thing if he can not marry you now than stay away from him and be with love someone after marriage and tat will be your husband whome you are allowed to love tis way

  3. Assalaamualaykum newmuslimgirl21,

    Allah has led you to Islam... Alhamdulilah. He, however, does not want you to be feeling so uncomfortable and tortured. You could pray to Allah to ease your telling your parents about your faith, and keep doing this until He leads you to a comfortable way, time, and place to do it. In the meantime, remember that Allah knows your entire situation, and that He knows your parents even better than you do...I would recommend that until Allah eases it for you, you pray at times when it is comfortable for you to do so...perhaps when they are not around. I know that that seems really unfair for you to have to do, and that things feel unfair right now in general, but please have faith that Allah will guide you in the most loving way, as He doesn't want you to suffer greatly.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  4. Salaam +++ newmuslimgirl21

    First of all, Mubarak on having accepted Islaam, which I pray will lead you to Jannah (Paradise)! Alhamdu’lilaah, becoming a Muslim is, in itself, an Incomparable gift from Allaah (swt)! This means All your previous sins were wiped out, provided you don’t Repeat them as a Muslimah. You have a Grace period, to learn Islaam properly, before you’re expected to follow the rules strictly, but you need to work up some Courage now Girl and put your Trust in God.

    I too am a Muslim Revert (of 30 yrs.) so I know how Harsh parents can be if they feel you’ve abandoned your Christian religious and cultural background. They feel Betrayed and Bewildered but, eventually they Will come round insha’Allaah, if you show them you’re still their loving Daughter! You really Need to let them know what’s going On in your life, so you can pray at the stated hours and begin to build a new relationship with your family. Convey to them that they’re Vital in your life.

    Pray Istikhara (advice-prayer) to Allaah (swt) and ask his guidance how best to do this. The second thing you need to do is Pause the relationship with your Boyfriend. Muslims do Not date or have boy/girl friends! It’s a very Grave sin that would earn you a 100 Lashes, if you were living in a Muslim state! Worse you respond to God’s great Gift by Disobeying Him, as if to demonstrate your Ingratitude to Him. You have accepted Islaam, but as yet have Not Submitted to God.

    Had you submitted you would’ve put Pleasing Him first, and not Insist on having things your way rather than His way. You should repent to Him and tell your boyfriend that, if he wants you in his life he must do Nikah with you and give you the Mahr (Bride gift). That may also convince his father that you’re Serious about Islaam, but more Important it will show God that you are repenting to Him.

    May Allah guide you to His good Grace! Aamiyn!

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