Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please help me escape this cycle of abuse?

Girl with hidden face, teenage girl

Asalam alikum!!.  I'm a very lost girl /woman whatever u may call.. I am Allhamdullilalh a born muslim but never was close to islam. so it was that western thinking which put me to test in first place.

My mother was of this impression that a man should not look at other women let alone marrying so when my father did, it was all fights n swear words n my father is VERY abusive as in beating. He once broke my mothers nose n fractured some ribs.. so that  was enough for me to mentally be not stable at all n be  afraid to even leave my mother to go to the bathroom. N then came the divorce and we were separated.

Then mom was living with her sister, and me and my siblings were with a new mother. It turns out they were living with us from three years together but got married  two years later.. until then no one is sure was it just a court marriage or proper nikah but then there was a nikah later.

In between she(stepmom) got pregnant twice n aborted the babies coz her family didn't know she is married n just thought she is just living far away for a job in a hostel. Actually she was in our home.

So I was 16+ .. told my mother about the abortions n stuff. She told everyone in the family n even her (stepmom) family. So then stepmom started to act like a stepmom. Getting us scolded by father. Making all maids run so I and my siblings have to do all work while she goes to office n then is too tired to do any cooking and cleaning. Not mention she tried to burn me, said very bad names to my mother, and even hit my younger brother 9 when I was not around.

I was so close to my father - a lot more than my mother - n he changed... not that love time nothing. So I was hurt. Stepmom wanted all the children to go anyway.. once we had a fight as usual and she badmouthed about my mother. My father knew it was wrong but couldn't speak in front of her.

Meanwhile my my mother was living 300 kms apart from us. She fought to see us.. so she left her sister n came back to city n working a very menial low-paying job. So I got angry thinking my father still loves me n will come to get me if I go to mother. But my father never came he said I'm not his daughter anymore. Talks about me as "that girl" and doesn't say my name.

My mother says my school expenses r too much we need to do something. Coz there were hot days n we didnt had simple fan. N mostly neighbours send stuff in ramzan.

So it was advised that my mother gets married  to someone who will take care of me as his own child. So she gets married. The man never  had any children n we were deceived that he was well off with a good house and all. Turns out  he was nothing like expected - just tall tales n did some sort of magic trick for his business, n had no beard but made hajj twice - funny.

So without asking my mom, he says to his sister that he will marry me to his son after eid ul azha. While actually he said he will let me study n won't talk about marriage for at least 5 or 6 years. My mother gets furious n that son has no qualification or job, n he is 11 years older than me. So my mother says she will marry me herself anywhere but in this family of cheaters n nonacheivers.

She sees a man he is very islamic just the kind of man my mother is looking for, n rich, polite n young (25).  So mothers tells him that she can't afford nothing n it will b a very simple marriage - we get engaged now n get married after my final exam. Now that man can't - one of his tricks of course. He says he must get married that month before eid ul azha as his mother is coming n we will do walima than. He gives money to my mother for buying some basic stuff for getting married then he says we will get married on 25 , then 2  so 21 it was.

Just two days before he tells that he is 40 year old n has a wife  n 6 kids n oldest son is just a year younger than me. Now we had already told everyone and it would be such a mockery for mother who went against his husband n his family n all so he say she doesn't like that wife n just becoz of the kids he is keeping that relation n she is a relative as well.

He dosent look old, n wife lives around 200 miles away in a small town n he lives in the city n he doesn't like going there. So  I say we have no money to give him back what he gave us n he wont take the things rather he is leaving all that.

So I thought prophets had wives, why does it bother me? It will only make me stronger in emaan n more patient. So I say yes and we get married.

Mom's husband didn't come to wedding n my father in angers sends my younger sister to mom n says get her married too. She is 13.  Now mom's husband doesn't like my sis n keeps on saying to send her back to father. My mother says she will work again but won't leave her daughter so they separated. He wouldn't give no money or time or anything, then completely stops coming n mom has to start working again.

Now my husband on the 3rd day of our wedding tells me that he has one more wife in another country n 3 ex wives. N he plans to get married again bcoz 4 is blessings. So I didn't tell my mother so she wont be shocked. But then comes my mother in law n tells my mother everything n she cried tooo much. Nothing much she can do  but she respects  my husband too much for making me more islamic n inspiring me to wear hijab n niqaab. So he advises mom to leave her husband n he will get her married to someone with deen n responsible good person.

My father takes back my sister coz I pray a lot to Allah to make him good to my siblings. N he is changing Alhamdulillah n my husband gets my mother to marry another person n he takes care of my mom a lot but it turns out he is shia so my husband cuts everything with him n my mom. N we only talk on phone now.

It's almost going to be a year since I'm married. My husband is not caring n romantic rather its all about sex. N he keeps on saying he has no money for any of my wants. N it was last year of my high school n he took me to school only 2, 3 times a week n today was my result n I failed.

He locks me in from outside. N tells me to go nowhere without him which I have no problem with coz im an introvert lonely kinda person.

Now he brings his other wife with 6 children to live with me while both of us don't wanna live together. It is our right islamically to live seprately. He doesn't respect women .

My cowife sis told me that in all 19  years they been married  it's only now that he has changed n stopped beating her n children n all the rest he is the same. He rarely talks to children n never sleeps with other wife saying she doesn't like sex n never gives her any time.

N he is not interested in his children's future at all. Rather he is looking for a new wife. And irony is he comes n tells us he saw this girl today n that he expects us to smile.

I'm very confused as he gives me so much tension that I had miscarriage twice.  n I'm worried what will be of my future n children's future.

The other wife n one of his ex wives told me that he doesn't really cares about children. But women... he has a constant want for new ones. N whenever he gets a new one he doesn't talk to any of the previous wives as if they dont exist. N that to just for a year or so n then searching for a new one. Co wife said  he had uncountable  girlfriends n now that he is more islamic he had more than 8 wifes n  3 current wives total of 13 children n hunting for new one.

When other women know about him they leave him. But I have no where to go but to carry on this very fragile broken relation.

Of course suicide is not a way out but I have tried it many times in the past: tablets, drank shampoo once (that was actually funny with bubbles coming out of my mouth lol). I'm just so confused that when is this suffering going to end, why don't I deserve to have a better husband,  why I'm strong enough to not have died after all this? Why I feel I'm incomplete n something's missing, life is dull n sad .

I have no idea when he will leave me for another wife n why? Why cant he state...n while writing this it's ironic that I must say it's midnight n he is still not home. He does that all the time leaving me alone but I keep on telling myself I have Allah. One day he will reward me. But is it too much to ask if I say. I want success in this life n the hereafter?

I couldnt make it short even if I tried.

maryum210

 


Tagged as: , , , , , , , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    You wrote:

    So it was advised that my mother gets married to someone who will take care of me as his own child. So she gets married. The man never had any children n we were deceived that he was well off with a good house and all. Turns out he was nothing like expected - just tall tales n did some sort of magic trick for his business, n had no beard but made hajj twice - funny.

    So without asking my mom, he says to his sister that he will marry me to his son after eid ul azha. While actually he said he will let me study n won't talk about marriage for at least 5 or 6 years. My mother gets furious n that son has no qualification or job, n he is 11 years older than me. So my mother says she will marry me herself anywhere but in this family of cheaters n nonacheivers.

    Perhaps I am not understanding, but first your wrote that your mother's 2nd husband didn't have children but later he tried to marry you to his son which is obviously a contradiction. Please clarify.

    I don't think it was wise to marry a man to become his 2nd wife and who happened to be much much older than you. If you did so because you had no other choice, it is difficult to advise you. What I mean to say is, that there will be many unpleasant things that will come about when you choose to live as you want as opposed to doing what the "easy" thing is. A person can easily follow a culture, but the irony is, that nothing is easy about it at all.

    The things that you have mentioned are really over the top. If your husband indeed has many girlfriends and is always looking for a new wife, he isn't going to stop at 4 and really that number has become meaningless to him. Perhaps you need to shift your focus from "why don't I deserve a better husband" to "why don't I value myself?" You need to care for yourself, love yourself and stop waiting for others to change and bring you happiness. The tragic truth of this world is that we have to be the good and the change that we want to see in the world. Unfortunately, we don't live in a world where we get what we deserve. We live in the dunya, which isn't even a bad version of heaven--the two are incomparable. I know its hard to not expect certain good things in life, but sometimes we have to accept the reality, but we don't have to accept it forever. Allah says: For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship].
    And to your Lord direct [your] longing.
    Al-Quran [94:5-8]. So I urge you to seek options even if you feel you have none. Pray to Allah swt to make you successful in your test. Do not give up, do not succumb to the whispers of the accursed shaitan.

    May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.

  2. Wa 'alaikumus-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuhu dear sister,

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make a way out for you, and your mother. Ameen!!!

    Is there any way you and your mother could leave your husbands, and come and live without them?

    Allahul-musta'aan.

  3. Salaam walaikum,
    Your husband doesn't sound like a good muslim. You should leave him and try to live on your own. It will be hard and it will hurt as well since you will still feel attached to him. But you have to try and move one. Try to find a cheap place and work? Im assuming you did not pass high school since you said you failed your exam. Find out about taking the GED and than apply to a college. You can get financial aid. Also, you can start working once you leave your husband. Another option after taking the GED would be living in a dorm at college ? You have many options and you have to make an effort to better your life. You can't just wait for Allah (swt) and not do anything yourself to make your life better. You have to be strong and build confidence in yourself. It will be hard but you have to push yourself. Than together with Allah (swt) aid and your strength you can move on in life and live a better life. You are still young, you can get remarried later on to a good muslim. Inshallah, take care of yourself.

  4. Sister were are you from . I feel really bad for you May Allah make it easy for you and your family. If you live in the west am sure u can get some help . Why are u with this guy for he is not right in the head . I dunno who you are but I'm willing to help you contact me sister and a will help you get out of this mess . Please email me sister and I will do my very best to sort this out for you .

    • Salaams,

      I agree it would be helpful if you identified which country you live in. At least then we can offer you some practical resources in shaa Allah.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response