Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please help me, I can’t stand this…


I am 14 years old and I go through a lot of home and I need your help. Everyday crying at home, wanting to commit suicide. I can't stand this, my dad comes back from home everyday and i ask him for money which then the creates a big scene in front of my mum whose watching quietly in the corner. She can never stand up for me and then again she's my mum and I love her a lot. She would see me in my room crying, but never does anything and that's when I think of Allah and think why can't I die please help me out, there wasn't one day where I would say no to my parents, i do everything for them. When I hear my dad cussing me it hurts so much thinking does money really mean more to him than me, his own daughter. Oh Allah, please guide me towards the right path because day by day I'm losing hope. Please I need advice.

I don't want to cause anymore trouble but every time he cusses me and I see my mum not doing anything then I get really angry and vent it on them by shouting at them which I know is wrong, may Allah forgive me. Please I need your advice otherwise it would be too late. I don't know what to do live through this everyday or die. I know I need to see someone but I can't I don't want anyone in my family to know I was thinking of committing suicide. Please help me and may Allah always keep you happy.


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4 Responses »

  1. Find a hobby/ passion and dedicate your time to it. Find positive people, books, videos, etc. As a challenge try 30 day negative thought fast. Any negative thought that comes, cuss it out. You've got a family, us the muslim ummah so don't sweat it. The most important pray to Allah as if your prayers have already been answered.

  2. This answer is taken from Islamqa.

    Suicide is a major sin, and the one who does that is faced with a warning of eternity in the Fire of Hell, where Allaah will punish him with the means that he used to commit suicide. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be throwing himself down in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron will have that iron in his hand, thrusting it into his belly in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5442) and Muslim (109),

    It was narrated from Thaabit ibn Dahhaak (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever kills himself with something will be punished with it on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5700) and Muslim (110).

    It was narrated that Jundub ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “A man among those who came before you was wounded. He panicked and took a knife and cut his hand, and the bleeding did not stop until he died. Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, said: ‘My slave hastened his death; I have forbidden Paradise to him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3276) and Muslim (113).

    The believer has to be patient and to seek the help of Allaah, may He be exalted, and understand that no matter what hardship befalls him in this world -- no matter how severe it is -- the punishment of the Hereafter is worse than it. It is not acceptable according to anyone who is of right mind to run away from the heat of the desert and throw himself into the fire. How can he flee from temporary hardship and difficulty -- which inevitably will come to an end -- to an eternal punishment which has no end?

    The Muslim should ponder and realise that he is not the only one in this world who is affected by calamity and hardship. Calamities befell the greatest of mankind, namely the Prophets, Messengers and the righteous. They also befell the worst of mankind, namely the disbelievers and atheists.

    Calamity is part of the natural order of things and hardly anyone is safe from it.

    If the believer handles it well and is patient, and it becomes a means that makes him turn back to Allaah and strive hard in worship and righteous deeds, then the calamity will have been good for him and will be expiation for his sins, and perhaps he will meet Allaah with no burden of sin.

    The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “No pain, hardship, sickness or grief befalls a believer, not even worry that befalls him, but some of his bad deeds will be expiated.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5642) and Muslim (2573).

    Al-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Calamities will continue to befall believing men and women in themselves, their children and their wealth, until they meet Allaah with no burden of sin.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth al-Saheehah (2280).

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Habibti, why are you asking your father for money? If you are 14, I think whatever you need he can help you get directly. Maybe he feels that you asking him for money demonstrates a lack of trust in him to take care of you, or that you are asking for frivolous reasons and don't really need it. That may be why he gets upset, but he should still take care not to belittle you in the process.

    Habibti you have to understand that the relationship between mom and dad (husband and wife) is really complex. It's not just as simple as, your father attacks you verbally, and your mom steps in on your defense. Something like that may seem as a direct act of defiance or disrespect by your mother, in your father's eyes. Then he becomes resentful of her, and she feels hurt. It creates a situation between them they may be trying to avoid, and perhaps your father has even asked her specifically not to defend you when he reprimands you because of times she did it before. Her "bailing out" on you may be, in fact, her submitting to him as his wife.

    You also have to consider you are at an age where your body is changing and so are your perceptions and emotions. You want to have rights too, and freedom, and be heard. This is why it's harder for you to resist yelling back when fights break out between you all. This is something most families go through with boys and girls your age, and eventually you will mature into being able to handle things with more grace and know how to approach things in a less combative way in shaa Allah.

    It's hard to not feel like the way things are is how it will always be, and focus on desperate and permanent solutions. If I could go back to my 14 year old self, that is one of the things I would tell her: that what it's like now will change, and change again, and change some more. Nothing ever stays fixed and everything comes back to a good shape with time.

    I suggest you ask your mom privately what you can do differently with your father. Say to her, "you know, I don't really understand dad. I don't get why he doesn't give me money when I want it, or why he doesn't think it's important. Maybe he doesn't know me very well, either. Is there anything you can tell me to help make those situations go better?" I think she would respect your effort to responsibly problem solve and appreciate that you are trying to take the burden off her to "fix it" by stepping in on your behalf when the fight is going on.

    If your mom can't give you something helpful, then approach your father when he's calm. Tell him you just want to understand how he sees it when you ask for money, and then try to come up with a way to still get what you need without creating that feeling in him.

    Many parents are very reasonable when you take time to talk to them openly, without an agenda to get your own objectives met. Be open, and know that what you see now will take on such a different shape when you get older, which is worth sticking around for- believe me.

    May Allah ease you and give you insight and sabr, in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

  4. My dear little girl..
    i remember when i was 14,which just a few years ago,i was suicidally upset alot too.don't entertain these thoughts.i promise you will feel better,wiser,worthier soon.parents grow with mom couldnt really understand what upset me,and hurt me either.not then.
    but now she does.she changed.and she admits that she has changed.and you know why?because she saw how i was sagacious enough to deal with not only my own issues,but hers as well.i used to watch oprah and read books about depressing things,and i learned to see beyond my own emotions and hurts.
    we are so desperate to be understood,that we forget our parents are only humans too,and just learning to raise kids.
    dont u give up.forgive ur parents.change them by becoming a better muslim daughter.
    i will remember you in my prayers.and i promise things will get easier insha Allah

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