Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please, please help…

Assalum-Walaikum brothers and sisters

I am in a huge predicament, and any, any advice at all, can help ease my pain, suffering and dee, deep sadness that has overwhelmed me.

I am a 20-year-old Muslim girl, but my situation occurred when I was 19 years old. I went back to Pakistan last summer with my parents after 15 years since coming to Canada. It was my mom’s sister’s wedding, and my mom really wanted to go. I was very excited to go to Pakistan after so long and see my family members after so many years. It was very fun in Pakistan and I had a lot of fun with my cousins. We would go to the roof and play games and talk and dance and listen to music. This part is important to part of my predicament:

After a week of my aunt’s wedding, I was in the kitchen and I saw my cousins bundled up and whispering and looking at me. I asked what they were talking about and Raj’s sister told me that a family had come for a proposal for me. I started to panic and freak out because I was so scared of that. I was so scared I was going to get proposals after coming to Pakistan and I was scared I will be engaged. I quickly told her that it will be a NO because of the fact that I am only in my first year of college and I still have 5 years to go. But soon, the guy’s family kept coming every day and kept asking my parents for me. MY cousins showed me a picture of him and he looked very old [as in OLDER than me] and kind of chubby. We will call him PJ. I was not instantly attracted to him at all. I quickly said no without even thinking twice. But my aunts and other family members and my father were all very happy with the proposal and wanted me to accept it. My dad said it was all in my hand. But he said I had to hurry up and decide so he can answer the guy’s family. I did not want to get married. But my family kept on saying things like, “He is a rich, nice boy” and that I will be losing a good opportunity and this is my only good chance right now and that I should say yes and that I should be grateful for a proposal like this. There’s something about me. I have no confident, no self-esteem. I also can never say no and I get pressured easily. I always do what people say and just agree with everything they say. I don’t trust myself and I believe I am a very bad Muslim. I don’t pray five times a day, and I haven’t read the Quran since Ramadan. The other bad thing and very haram thing is that I watched pornography for a few years and I always felt guilty and disgusting afterwards. I always repented and I wouldn’t do it for a while but then I would watch it again. Because of this I feel like I am a very horrible Muslim. I deserve all the bad things in the world. I have sincerely repented and astaghfirullah stopped that heinous act for a while now. I have received many blessings in my life and I feel like I don’t deserve any of those because I am a bad Muslim. For many years, I used to think about how I would get a bad, evil, abusive husband because it was punishment for my sins I committed. I always felt that so I was always afraid of marriage. So, when everyone around me kept pressuring me and saying PJ was a good boy and I was “losing a good chance” at a good rich family, I got so scared. I thought if I said no, then I was giving up on a good chance Allah (swt) sent me. I felt like He was giving me a good opportunity for a good husband and if I said no, I will never ever get another good chance again. At the same time, I started getting other marriage proposals but they were not from good families. One of them was from my aunt for her son. I did not like that cousin and I hated him. He is a very bad and evil person and he has anger and mental issues. Everyone knows that but they have been trying to make me get engaged to him since I was like 14. So, another reason I was thinking of saying yes to PJ was because cousins were scaring me and telling me that my aunt’s family was going to commit black magic on me and somehow make me marry my evil cousin. I started to get really scared. I did not want to marry that evil cousin. I was at a very confused CONFUSED state. There was so much pressure building up in my head. I stayed up all night for three days crying and thinking of what to do. Should I marry a stranger who is seven years older or my evil cousin who I hate or not marry at all? My dad kept pressuring me because he kept asking for an answer from me and I barely had time to think and then my mom was making me say no to PJ’s proposal because she wanted me to marry her sister’s son, the evil cousin. I was at a very tough situation. I was so scared. I prayed and prayed for Allah swt to help me. I finally got to the point where I thought about how much I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY MY EVIL COUSIN, and how the guy, PJ, was a good opportunity for me to get married and have a good husband. SO MANY PEOPLE were praising PJ and so I thought there was nothing bad about him and that I should say yes. So finally, I agreed to the proposal even though in my heart, it did not feel completely right.

I got engaged and the same day, I got my nikkah done to PJ. He told me he was 26 years old and I was still 19 years old. To me, I did not like the huge age gap. I grew up in Canada and over there, people don’t really marry in such big age gaps. I felt kind of weird that he was so much older. But he had his own job and got paid well and was very responsible. I started to like him and see that he was a good guy. After our engagement, I stayed in Pakistan for 10 more days before I had to go back to Canada. So, I only got to know him for ten days. My parents let me go out with him and so the first day, we just walked around and talked a little. Then we kept meeting up and every time we kept meeting, up, he kept getting closer and closer to me. The third day after our engagement/nikkah, he came over to my house and brought my family fruits and gifts. My aunts let him and me have the room to ourselves and him and I just talked and then a few moments later he kissed me. I did not feel very comfortable since I barely knew the guy and even if we were nikkah, I thought it did not feel right. After that, after each of our meetings, he kept doing something else. He asked me if I wanted to sneak to his room at his house and we could have lunch and talk there. I was still very naive and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So, when we met for 3 more times and went out, he sneaked me to his room all three times and told me to be quiet as I would be in his room and no one from his family should know. He would bring us lunch and we would eat and then I would want to talk so I can know this guy better but he would start kissing me and touching me. We never went all the way because I stopped him but we did do a lot of intimate things. When I think about it now, I want to cry and cry and I feel so ashamed. But back when it was happening in Pakistan, I was niave and all I could think about was that 5 second love he was giving me and it all seemed okay even though now I remember having a bad feeling about it the whole time. So yeah, my fiancée wanted to get intimate with me literally after meeting me after 2 days. He kept saying it was okay for us to be this close and intimate since we did our nikkah but it never felt right to me. But I fall easily to pressure and I hate myself. But PJ seemed like a good person and I thought my life was going to be okay with him. Even though I was not attracted to him, I thought we would get to know each other and soon I would love him and I would be forever happy. But that’s not the case. It all turned bad very quickly.

The day I was leaving back to Canada, he didn’t even come to my house and say goodbye. He didn’t even go with me to the airport. I was very hurt but he said he had important job at his office. So, I let that go.

When we came back to Canada, over the phone, all he would talk about is the intimate things we did. I started to find that annoying. And he barely started to call me. He would talk to me maybe every few days and that was after I left him many missed calls. Also after coming back to Canada and seeing all my friends and family reactions to him, I started to feel uneasy. They all commented on how chubby he was and how much older he was. I told them he was 26 and many of them laughed at me and said he lied to me. My Canadian friends didn’t think he was very good looking and thought he looked a lot older and wasn’t very good looking and was chubby. I STARTED TO GET UNEASY BECAUSE THOSE THOUGHTS WERE ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND BUT I USED TO IGNORE IT BUT NOW THAT EVERYONE STARTED TO SAY IT, I STARTED TO GET WEIRD WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM. I don’t know after coming back, I started to get a lot of doubts. I still did not feel attracted to him. I didn’t like how he would say certain things such as when I mentioned how he would have to help cook and clean and that we would make a schedule since we both would work and go to school and he would get all fake-mad and say how I am the wife and I should be doing that and not him since he will come back from work tired. There were certain cultural things that he would say that I didn’t like. Also on Eid, he did not send me anything. He did not even call me and say Eid Mubarak. My whole family asked me how much Eidi he sent me and if I talked to him. I had to lie to them and tell them that I did talk to him. But he had gone to another city for “business” he told me and that’s why he wasn’t able to call me and that day I was very hurt. So basically, I started to get thoughts more and more each day about how I didn’t want to get married. I barely knew the guy. And I just started college. I had 7 years to go. There was no way I can get married and continue my long studies. I started to get so scared because I worked so hard in college and I didn’t want it to go to waste. I also did not want to talk to him anymore. I always started to avoid talking to him and always gave him work and college as an excuse even though that was the case many times. I started to cry every day because I found him so ugly and fat and I just did not want to get married. I purposely started my fiancée case late because I didn’t want him to come quick and I didn’t want to get married so fast. I started to cry and almost throw up when I thought about how he kissed me and did intimate things with me after just meeting me after 3 days. I started to hate him for pressuring me to do that stuff with him even though we were not married and even if we were nikkah. He barely ever calls me and then always asks me why I don’t call him and why I don’t talk to his family. On many special holidays, he did not send me anything and a lot of people kept asking me what I received and I was so embarrassed to tell them nothing. They were all shocked because they said it was rituals that his family had to send me gifts on those holidays. He would never send me anything. He would never call me. I started to find him annoying and I am starting to hate him. I need help, I don’t know what to do. He is ugly and fat and now I saw that he is 28 and not 26. Someone told me he is 28 and that he really isn’t 26. He barely ever calls me and always says I don’t call him. He never sends me anything out of love or even respect. I don’t know what to do. I am not attracted to him. He lied to me about his age. I don’t even know him. I thought I would get to know him over our phone calls but he barely ever calls me and never makes conversation. I find him ugly and fat. And Now I think about it, I don’t even know where his deen stands. I don’t even know if he really prays. Even though everyone praised him, I don’t know how he is behind closed doors. I have been feeling depressed since coming back from Pakistan and being engaged. But I did my nikkah so I am stuck in this marriage. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I deserve this because of all the sins I committed and being a bad Muslim and such. I should just accept my fate and move on? But I feel like crying and dying every day. I don’t want to get married. I had many dreams where I was pregnant. I am scared I will be pregnant and will have to drop out of university. I am so scared. I also had a dream where my cousins all say they don’t like him and I say I don’t like him too. I am so scared, please someone help me. I can't break this nikkah and marriage because he is technically my husband so I would have to get a divorce. What should I do? I am so scared to marry him. I feel like he used me just for intimacy and sexual activity and for Canada. But I don’t know. I just don't know what to do. And it looks like he doesn’t even love me because of how he never send me anything on Eid, or any holidays and he never did anything for me. I don’t know what to do please please help me. I am not attracted to him. I cry every day every day thinking about how I will have to marry him when he comes to Canada soon. I hate my family for scaring me about Black magic and pressuring me into this marriage and scaring me.


Please help me,


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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    What happened to you happens to many sisters every single day of the year. They are forced or pressured into marrying a man that their parents want them to marry. This practice is very wrong, and often the marriages end up not being what Allah real and good marriages to be. While your parents are to protect you from marrying unworthywouldn't proprietye men, they are not to choose your husband and force or unduly pressure you to marry him. From what you've said, he doesn't even show much interest in you, and that already is a bad sign of what your future with him will be.

    The woman I love had this same happen to her when she was around your age. She's now 40, and she ended spending several years being married to a man who definitely was not her type in any way. He is fat and ugly, and, no, physical characteristics aren't the only factors to consider, but this man also was quite inconsiderate and did things that were haram, such as smoking (aren't round his children) and gambling (an addict), in addition to displaying rather selfish and disrespectful behavior. He's also her cousin, and that fact didn't prevent him from treating poorly.

    This sister eventually got her degree from college and got a job. She eventually moved up and gained more experience, training, and certifications. This was good because eventually her husband's gambling led to him using the family's money, and her earnings were what kept the family with food and utilities. She eventually divorced him. Even then, he wouldn't keep his promises to send money for their children, and he even blamed her for their divorce.

    Being married to this guy damaged her soul and emotional and mental health. First, the marriage was against her will. Second, her marriage was to a man that was not only unattractive but also very selfish a s irresponsible. Thus, did her father follow the Quran as Wali when he forced her to marry this awful man? No, he did not, so his actions were haram.

    Also, forcing a woman to marry someone is rape. There are imams who will confirm this. Instead of lovingly sleeping with her husband, it was done by force, and she had to mentally prepare herself for that during the years she was married to him.
    Thus is seriously wrong. Your best option is to divorce thus man and start over by marrying (when you are ready) a decent man that you choose. It is your right, which was violated.

    However, if you make the decision to divorce, you have to consider that your family (at least initially) and his will be highly upset with you. This happened to the woman I love, but she didn't give in to their pressure and left. Her life is much better now though people in her family still try to get her to go back to her ex-husband (even though he's remarried for a year now). After hearing all of the pain and embarrassment she's been through, I'd say divorcing him is the best option. Her cousin also had this happen to her, and she ended up divorcing her abusive husband

  2. as salaamu alaykum sister,

    Sorry to hear about the marriage you were Hustled into. Pakistani parents need to take a step back and Stop Imposing their will on young and susceptible girls like yourself. I'm sure they Think they're doing what's Best for their kids, but there are 1000s of examples where such behaviour has brought them nothing but Misery! Divorce the guy before it's too late, I say, but do Istikhara first and let God SWT advise you.

  3. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    I'm sorry about all the negative feelings that this situation is stirring up in you. You use the words "I hate" many times in your post when referring to yourself and the boy and your parents, and no marriage should elicit that kind of response in a person!

    It seems to me from what you write that you are really not ready for marriage yet in general, and agree with Lamar's advice to seek divorce from "PJ." I think a better course of action for you might be to concentrate on your studies first since your goal seems to be to get a Master's degree, and to think about marriage closer to the middle or end of that period rather than at this early stage. You will tend to resent someone with whom marriage results in your sacrificing your educational goals.

    May Allah grant you the courage to discuss this with your parents in a frank way.



  4. I agree with Lamar/Nor. They have both given very good, and it up to u whether u wanna take it or not. I do agree with divorce in this scenario but my mosque teacher used to say "you can take a donkey to a well but you cannot force it to drink" not callin u a donkey btw haha jk jk sorry. But seriously I think you do need to get out of this relationship, to some extent it sounds like he just gonna use you for sex. So yeah please do get out of it and Inshallah you meet a nice handsome kind man in the future.
    I'll remember u in my duas.
    Take care.

  5. Asalam Walaykum Sister! Hope you are doing better. From what I read it breaks my heart to know how stressed you are. I'm 19 years old too and live in NY currently hahah so I hope my advice helps. It's obvious you don't want to be with this guy or have anything to do with him. And that's totally okay. Your parents shouldn't force you to do anything. It's your marriage your life. Under Islam marriages like this are haram. You have very strong emotions and being in college should be your only priority as do I. You should be having fun girl! Finishing up school and hanging with friends, praying, etc. I STRONGLY suggest you break it off ASAP. It's only going to go downhill from there and you will be miserable. Sometimes I feel like a bad muslim too no doubt. You're not the only one. Sometimes I don't pray, I stop reading Qur'an, go out too late, etc. but no matter what I will always go back to Allah swt because he knows we make mistakes and he knows in my heart I'm a good soul that needs some more guidance and knowledge. It's okay. He is most forgiving. As for marriage. I feel like you should go out there and find it on your own. Cause that's what I'm doing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as you keep it halal and do whatever keeps your heart content. Get closer to Allah and he will make a way for you. Remember marriages are a blessing from him. So work for it love. My family doesn't look at me the same way since I was such a rebel and broke all the rules that there is. So don't feel bad at all. You ain't gotta stress it anymore. I'm telling you let it go. It don't matter what your family thinks this is your life and your happiness! And they will have to accept it. Anyway I hope you pray more and stress less. I pray that Allah will bring someone better onto your path. We're still young :p all good vibes on this side. Peace and Blessings sis ~

  6. I want to leave a response, but can't. Is there an admin here?

  7. السلام عليكم ورحمه الله وبركاته

    Dear Sister,

    Above and foremost you should not be so hard on yourself. You're young and because of the pressure you received from your family and friends, you married this man. It shows you respect your family's wishes by agreeing to the man they seemed fit. That is no doubt a good quality for a Muslimah to have.

    Second most, I suggest you ask for Allah's forgiveness regarding your sins. Everyone has sins, this is how Allah has created us. Muhammad (saw) said,

    "By Him in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin Allah would replace you with people who would sin and they would seek the forgiveness of Allah and He would forgive them."

    The fact you feel remorseful for your sins is a good sign. It shows your heart is alive, for feeling regret over a sin is tawbah in itself.

  8. Third of all, I suggest you pray salat istikhara, or the prayer for guidance. A simple Google search will help you find how to perform this salah, and the dua you should read when you've completed the salah. Keep in mind, when you've completed the salah, you put forth your trust in Allah, and decide with which decision you feel most comfortable with. This does not mean that once you have completed Istikhara that you should receive divine intervention of what you should do next. You won't receive a dream, or a feeling. The purpose of this salah is to put forth complete tawakkul (trust) in Allah and go with the decision that feels best for you. In other words, follow your heart, and Allah will guide you towards your khair in shaa' Allah.

    • If you prayed Istikhara, and you feel it's best to move on from this individual, then I suggest you have a talk with your family. Give them the reasons of what you mentioned above.

  9. Keep in mind you're still young. It is in your Islamic rights to choose your husband whenever you deem fit. Your family has a hand in your decision, but ultimately the final decision is yours. Don't rush yourself. If you have faith in Allah and bear patience in finding the right individual, Allah will guide you to your khair.

    May Allah grant you a pious spouse and give you a happy and prosperous life.


    • I'm sorry for the chopped responses. There was a lot I couldn't say as the website did not submit my responses.

  10. thank you brothers and sisters.
    thank you for your advice and for your duas.
    thank you so much.

    the predicament is still bad and my hatred for my fiancee has grown.
    i don't think i can get a divorce because of the "dishonor" my family would receive and even though its so dumb and not fair but you guys know how much of a deal a family's honor is for muslim parents.

    im just going to go with whatever happens but i will take your advices and do istikhara.
    but this is what is my destiny and fate and to be honest, we will all die someday and this world is temporary so i wont be in pain for too long.

    allah (swt) knows best.

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