Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please pray for me…

Crying Muslim Woman

Dear Brothers/sisters,

Aoa

I had my nikkah in June last year. My father was suffering from cancer.

Everything was going great between my husband and I but after Ramadan misunderstandings cropped up between my mother and my husband.

My mother has a very over protective and insecure nature which looms for constant importance and if not given then gives bad dua also.

Due to my father's illness I avoided conflicts with my mother. My husband saw that as my weakness and began to treat me coldly. I tried to explain but he said I used my father as an excuse.

Meanwhile my father got admitted during his last stages but recovered due to which my husband says I over exaggerated the situation.

His mother told my extended family that we were trying to save money on the marriage and didn't respect her son.

That's when my mother raised all hell and said to me that my husband has insulted her and I should take a stand and if at that he divorces me the so be it.

I was shocked at the selfish attitude and ended up fighting with her die to which she picked up the Quran and denounced me as her daughter and cursed me. My extended family went to my mother in law and I'm unaware as to what they said that she too asked my husband to divorce me for which he took such a stand that we got married without her knowledge.

As again my father was so ill I avoided fights as much as I could.

My father told me that conspiracy was going on and asked my husband to come and take me.

Meanwhile my mother wanted my cousin to come as my brother had to leave for 2 weeks. My husband said that she won't allow her son in law to come but wants her nephew and he said he would end it if my cousin came. I told my mother at that point that my cousin wasn't more important than my life.

We had a quick ceremony at a friend's house during which my mother didn't even come close to my husband.

He felt very insulted and I had no contact with my mother for one month.

My husband however didn't like it that I contact my family everyday and upon asking tell them what I cooked and what I did. For me that was natural as my father worked away and this is how we spoke twice a day.

All the while my husband thought I didn't fight for him and used my father as an excuse.

I had to return home after one month as my father although ill had planned to return to Pakistan to meet his mother incase he passed away. I knew that I wouldn't see him alive again so decided to go to Ireland to meet him. My mother and brother picked a fight with me on the first night and my husband expected I return the following day because of it. However initially when I left with my husband I was given no clothes nor medicines and was told not to return. My husband provided everything.

After meeting my father in Ireland I wished to bring some clothes and personal belongings with me to the UK but my mother wouldn't allow it. My husband asked me to do so as he had spent so much on me already. When I told him I was bringing them he asked me that my mother was so against it so how is she now ok with it. I said I talked to her and patched up to respectable terms. My husband stopped me from returning as he felt betrayed since his mother was unaware of the marriage and I patched up.

My father then went into a coma and for the following 2 weeks my mother and brother mentally tortured me by constantly nagging at my husband and calling him names and cursing him and then me if I took a stand.

My husband doesn't believe me. He thinks that if the situation was so bad I shouldn't have patched up and if I did it means it was a planned drama to save money on the wedding and I exaggerated everything to gain sympathy. He even fought with me on the day of my father's funeral.

My mother and brother picked at me even after my father's funeral and since I returned my mother is nagging me that I can live without her but not without my husband and that I've no self respect nor dignity

My husband is a divorcee father of two and won't register my nikkah as I would give me right to half of his property which I don't want anyways. My mother won't give me any jewellery to wear as she says they're her assets.

Upon my return my husband is being warm and cold.

He says we are just husband and wife. He says he doesn't love me that it may develop with time. He still says I am lying to him and tell my mother and brother everything behind his back and the more I deny means the more I lie and that pushes us further apart.

Slightly his love making has become less passionate and feels superficial as if it's just for the sake of it. We have no emotional connection. He brings all necessities but over that no extra efforts. I do all my part and make the extra efforts as much as I can.

Now for the past 3 weeks I am noticing that my husband'sattention is always diverted to his phone. He tells me to stay quiet and not question him as I've no right since he doesn't question me either.

I have twice known him to speak to someone in whispers in the bathroom and he cuts calls everytime I enter the room where he is talking.

He has constant messages coming on viber and he turns the phone away from me as soon as I sit beside him. Messages start in the morning to which he wakes up.

A few days ago he accidentally clicked on the display picture and it was the picture of a girl wearing a black dress.

Two nights ago, he was on a video chat. He was typing but turned the camera on after looking towards me. He didn't realise I was up and saw a small screen at the top left hand corner as well as his own video on the large screen

After confronting him for a second time he said that I'd no need of feeling insecure as his mother wants him to marry for a third time and divorce me but he is not doing anything of the sort. He says our relationship has changed and he does his part and I do mine and give it time and if things work then good if not then no hard feelings.

I am scared that he may be getting to know this girl and when he decides about her he will say to me I gave time but I'm sorry.

He also says that I talk to my family behind his back and that they're pulling my strings by telling me to bring up issues rather than keeping the relationship peaceful. When I say I don’t tell them anything he bluntly says to keep quiet as I lie always.

No one knows of the other woman as my mother and brother say they don't want a divorce but constantly say that I've no dignity or self respect as I listen to all he says. I am finding it difficult to trust them after what they being my own blood have put me through due to egos. I've no desire to return to them.

I have a strong faith that marriage unions are made by Allah and they can't go wrong unless we being humans ourselves don't pave the way to make things go astray.

I always asked Allah to give me all of my brother's worries apart from in marriage. I being a doctor and epileptic has had a tough life since childhood. My career is stagnant and I give it up to look after my father. My only prayer to Allah for myself was that I have a married life where His blessings reside and there is peace of mind, heart and soul, friendship between my husband and I along with trust and a sense of gratefulness for eachother. This was and is my prayer. Now I am praying hajat nafl and dua to win my husband's love.

I'm scared of being impractical but also I wish to keep my faith strong and not give up. In total my husband and I have loved together for 2 months. I believe that Allah will never bring a divorce in someone's fate as He dislikes it so much. If I just stick to prayers and do my part as a loving wife, Allah will bring my husband to me. I believe that if I leave the matter to Allah He will save my marriage from a divorce. At times my patience and faith dwindle alot and I cry but my husband doesn't care and he says he will never believe me about my relationship with my mother and to not expect more from him now. As for the girl, he says if there was someone else he wouldn't have married me and that everyone has friends.

I don't think video chats and hidden conversations are done with just friends.

If my mother and brother were to find out they would end this marriage today and their so called support I have seen. I've no trust nor expectations from them.

I am trying to get a job somewhere so that I can get my mind occupied.

I still believe that with Allah's help everything will be fine in the end and my husband and I will be blessed with joy and peace.

I'll be shattered and embarrassed in front of my mother and brother if KHUDANAKHASTA anything happens.

But I want this to work as my reason of loving my husband is my faith in Allah's choice for me.

I don't wish to be impractical though nor impatient nor loose my faith in dua. Anytime I even think about giving up I feel I'm giving up on Allah's choice.

Please pray for me.

The issue is still ongoing. I asked him to swear by Allah that there's no affair but he denied to do so. I don't know what to think. He used to say he didn't want me to work but now says I'm no doctor because I don't work as one. He also said a job would groom my personality. I am trying to be patient but he has now stopped talking to me unless necessary. The pain is just getting worse. For the past 4 days I've been screaming Allah and crying mad. I'm saying hajat nafl and reciting many ayats. I caught him saying that "she thinks..she thinks" and "she said she was doing an istekhara"..this was regarding me. But he still says that if he was involved elsewhere he wouldn't come home straight from work.

Please pray for me.

JazakAllah
Humera

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5 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    I just read the first few paragraph and the last paragraph of ur post as its too long so not sure of everything but U said u are praying lots of nafl, I would suggest adding tahajjud to the prayers u r doing, Inshaallah. Also, lots of istigfar.

  2. Asalaam Walaikum Sister.

    These are difficult and testings times. One thing I noticed is that you said you made a du'a for Allah to give you all your brothers problems ... We as Muslims shouldn't make such du'as. We should only make good du'as. Allah is more than capable to bless goodness upon you and your brother so making these type of "Deals" with Allah are unnecessary.

    Your family is a disease in your marriage by the sounds of it, your Mother has been awful and a lot of these problems could have been avoided easily. Lack of deen in people and more care for the culture/society are the root causes of these problems. I would seriously limit the contact or stuff you tell your family about your marriage but tbh at this stage most of the damage alrrady been done.

    Your husband has probably been doing online chats etc before your relationship even began and now he seems to be blaming you, this is something that is typical in people who are being unfaithful.

    You need to sit down with an Imam and your husband and put everything on the table, both of yous need to work on the marriage together for it to work. The comments your Husband seems to be uttering suggest he has given up already but Insha'Allah with a bit of guidance and Du'a he will turn around.

    I pray that Allah keeps your faith strong and guides you're entire family to goodness. May Allah ease your pain and bless you with a beautiful Marriage.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    It sounds like mistakes have been made by a lot of the people involved, but that doesn't mean things can't be fixed inshaAllah.

    The first thing to do is probably to decide what you want to happen next. Do you want to stay with your husband, what kind of relationships do you want with your family members, what future do you want to build for yourself? Once you know what you want, it becomes easier to start thinking about how to achieve it.

    You and your husband might benefit from some time away from the politics of your families. Even though you've been married since June, if you've only spent 2 months living with each other, then you won't have had a chance to get to know each other properly or to figure out how you can work together as a couple. It might sound harsh for your husband to say he doesn't yet love you, but it may be that he is simply being honest - for love to grow, people need to spend time together and share things with each other, and the two of you haven't had much chance for that yet. InshaAllah that can come with time. He should stop these online chats with other women though; it's disrespectful, upsetting for you, and by doing so he's having private chats with non-mahram women - so regardless of the content of his conversations with them, he should not be doing it. Rather than making it into a big argument about accusations of cheating, you could gently suggest to him that, as the two of you are inshaAllah trying to build a home based on Islamic values, both of you should make changes, and one thing you'd like him to change is these private chats with non-mahrams.

    Your family's been through a difficult time, and I pray that Allah helps you all heal and grants your father His Mercy in the Aakhirah. But that doesn't mean people have the right to make you feel miserable. You have the right to set some boundaries in terms of what you will and won't tolerate from them - and if someone crosses the line, you can politely but firmly say that you love and respect them but you aren't going to be a doormat for them. If they are unkind about your husband, explain to them that, while they are entitled to their own opinions, he is still your husband and you don't want to listen to unkind things about him.

    One thing I picked up on from your post was that you seem to define a lot of your self-worth based on other people. But you don't need to. You are and will continue to be a person worthy of respect and love, regardless of whatever other people might say or think. Find some things that help boost your sense of your own identity and worth - getting back to work may well help, and you could look into getting involved in Islamic community activities, or a hobby. And make sure that you are living your life in an Islamically appropriate way. The only opinion that truly matters will be that of Allah, so prioritise His Guidance over any matters of this dunya.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • JazakAllah for your replies. I'll be going to my mother's house this weekend. I have discovered that this woman is the same because of whom his previous marriage broke. Now he refuses to register our nikkah and says to live with him as his girlfriend for 4 years and then he will see if he wants to register the nikkah or not. I refuse to return to him under such circumstances. I ended up hurting him badly also and I feel extremely bad because of it and he has blocked me off Facebook viber and wats app etc. I messaged his brother saying that I felt horrible but all I asked for a registration of our nikkah as my husband says he doesn't believe in nikkah the record of which is only on a video. I feel horribly used thinking that he has been with this Indian Christian married woman for 9 years and that he doesnt believe in sunni nikkah and only shia nikkah. I feel as if he wanted me for society and has done a frauf to take me with him with no intentions of registering the nikkah in the first place. Also I have learned that he hasn't legally divorced his first wife yet. They're divorced Islamically and with her he has tries to get back with saying he doesn't believe in that divorce. I don't know even if I should believe her.
      I have had to make an application for khula but deep down I'm hoping this forces him to speak to mediators as otherwise he will speak to no one..my friends and family say I'm being stupid to want to return to him but again I say that if he registers the nikkah I want to give his a chance.
      My brother has already said to me you went to him out of your "faith" and look at what you got. If KHUDANAKHASTA a divorce happens I won't be able to be fully expressive that I'm doing something out of faith that Allah has brought this on and that I should follow it till my last and Allah will bless it in the end if I keep trying. They say I'm being impractical.
      After how my mother and brother treated me on my father's death I'm finding it hard to have to live with them again. I'm going to get no support I am aware of that.
      I love my husband and if only he is willing to register the nikkah I will return.
      I'm still saying the nafl and istekhara dua so that Allah opens ways. I love his deeply for Allah's sake and still pray that this will pave a way for me getting my right as a wife which I had initially wholeheartedly overlooked and maybe we will forgive eachother and come back stronger than before, instilling within us a sort of trust and he may begin sharing my faith also.
      I still need all the prayers. I don't want to end up getting a divorce as I went into this wholeheartedly and from the depths of my heart am sorry for what I did to him blinded by anger and revenge..:(..but I still love him alot and just wanted a relationship of dignity and respect and recognition as a wife with him.

      • I am extremely sorry on what you are going through Haziz
        I wanted to know what happened next
        May Allah ease your difficulties sister

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