Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Polygamy, finances and my rights as a 2nd wife?

Muslim woman praying at the Blue Mosque in Turkey

Salaam all, firstly I am new here and apologise if I am posting in the wrong place.

My scenario is that I am very eager to marry soon as I am not getting any younger and reached the point where I am in desperate need of a husband

However, as much as I dreamed of having my own husband to love, I have had to think long and hard about my scenario and now think being in a polygamous marriage and being a 2nd wife to someone is my only option as there are many factors preventing me from having a 'normal' marriage.

Firstly I am a carer to my parents and thus need to remain at home after marriage.

Secondly I've always been very socially awkward and even though I have spent many years trying to overcome it I just can't and so the thought of marrying a man and meeting his whole family is scaring me too much, I just know I will never be able to handle being a daughter or sister in law to anyone.

My questions are:

do you think it's possible/will there be a man out there who will marry me and be my husband without me having to meet my in-laws at any point?

And secondly how do I address the issue of how much money I need?

I don't work and require help with bills and stuff, I looked at the expenses and seemed like my annual living allowance - standard bills and food - will cost around £6000 a year so how can/do I ask my future husband this? Do I just bring it up in conversation with him, does my wali mention it? More importantly is it ok to ask this of my husband - for him to be paying my bills for me even when he won't be living with me? Do you think he will say yes, is he obligated to say yes? What if he says no or says no after marriage, is that reason to seek divorce?

I hope you don't think I sound childish just have no idea what I'm doing and need to know my rights, anything you can tell me will be great! Thank you.


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10 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Personally, I don't think it's fair to expect to marry a man (whether polygamously or not) but he never live with you. Even if you were the 4th wife of man, he still has the right to live with you during his time with you. I understand that your parents might have needs that require you to be around, but something would have to give. Either he would have to come stay with you at their house, or you would have to be willing to go to him at least some of the time. You are very concerned about getting your rights in marriage, but you also need to ensure you are giving him his due rights as well.

    If you do happen to find a man who would agree to your arrangement of living separately, chances are he would be able to negotiate with you about your living expenses. In polygamy, the husband pays for the wife's housings costs, food, and clothing- and that is calculated at the amount that is reasonable for the average woman where you live. If he cannot afford to pay what you need, and you are not willing to be flexible, this would also be unfair.

    It is also unreasonable to expect your husband to agree that you never meet his family. If he loves you, and he loves his family, certainly he will want them to meet you and you them!

    I don't usually like to be so blunt, but I think you aren't really in the right frame of mind for marriage. Right now you're looking at it all from the standpoint of what sacrifices a husband can make for you and your situation, and what your needs are. You aren't even factoring in what his needs and rights are, and you are even seeming to say you would push the position of possibly denying them. In marriage, you should be willing to sacrifice as much as you expect your husband to. No healthy person will agree to a marriage that is all give, with getting nothing back. If you did meet a prospective husband, what would you be able to offer him? It's not just about what he can offer you.

    I don't mean to be rude or insensitive, I just think it's important that you consider some of these aspects as well as the ones you've already been looking at.

    -Amy Editor

    • 100% right sister Amy. It's not fair to expect husband to give everything while wife is not even willing to live with him or meet his family. This poster is really asking for a "sugar daddy."

    • Im sorry,how is this situation "all give" from the man's side? He wont have to biy her a house or look after her on a daily basis, nor will he have a financial responsibolity over her. He gets to enjoy the physical side of the marriage with less than 10% of the responsibility. This is an ifeal situation for any man! Infact, i would strongly auggest this is extremely unfair on the woman!!!

      • Salam Sara,

        She wants to get married but she has issues being social. As such, she doesn't want to meet her in-laws ever.

        She also cares for her parents so her deal is that she gets to stay where she lives now. And her thought is that her husband wouldn't live with her but she would like her husband to pay for her yearly expenses which is about £6000.

        I don't know if she meant this to mean he would visit her regularly but the way she's laid it out, it seems the husband would pay for her, but she wouldn't meet his family or have much to do with him.

  2. The only way I can see a man agreeing to you never meeting his family is if his family does not know about you - that is, your marriage is a secret. Secret marriages are not valid in Islam and you should never accept to be a secret from your husband's family and friends, as that is a sign that he doesn't respect you and will open the door to you losing a lot of your rights (not to mention that it is not Islamically acceptable). I don't see how you could possibly be in a legitimate and respectful marriage without having to meet your in laws and interact with them at some point. Frankly if your social anxiety is so strong to the point that you cannot interact with strangers in any way, including people that are supposed to be part of your family, then I think you need professional psychological help to address that. Think of it this way: what's the difference between meeting your in laws and meeting a potential husband? If you're too scared to meet your in laws, how will you muster the courage to meet and interact with a potential suitor? Address your social anxiety and Inshallah you will be able to overcome these problems.

  3. Assalamu Alaikum,

    First, I am a recent converted Muslim, but I think the rules are the same for Christian & Islamic marriages, with some slight variations.

    You seem to be so devoted to caring for your loving parents, and you are to be commended for that. Being a carer also means you make a lot of sacrifices for yourself, as most of your attention is caring for your parents needs.

    I think you have suddenly realised that 'time' is getting away from you for marriage - and I don't know how old you are - having children, as well?

    To ask a man to marry you, and then to expect him not to meet your parents or family, is so unfair to him. Especially if you are expecting him to support you financially, as well!!

    I know exactly what you are going through. I cared for my late Mother 15 years ago who had Alzheimers. I'm sorry, but my life was not my own - but that is what I chose to do, until her death, 5 years later.

    The point I am trying to make here, is the fact the you spend the majority of the time caring for your parents - how much time are you prepared to devote to your new husband? He is well within his 'rights' to expect at least 50 percent of that time with him, as well. He would expect the receive the same amount of support, too.

    You can't be married in secret either. That is Haram in Islam. I would never expect a man to marry me and be kept secret from his family or mine.

    You seem to be thinking more on the line of 'what he would 'sacrifice' for you! Have you given any thought to the prospective man, himself? There has to be equal 'give and take' in the marriage. It seems to be that he will be doing all the 'giving' and you do all the 'taking!!'

    Sorry if I am being blunt. But you did ask for advice. You said you are in 'desperate' need of a husband? Why? You must marry a man for the right reasons!!

    Yes, a man is obligated to take care of his wife: buying food, clothing, housing, car, etc. But, you simply can't take 'advantage' of that, either!

    Take care of your own anxiety first. Then see if marriage is what you are really looking for. Maybe, you will find a man who IS willing to agree to your terms.

    You have been given some excellent advice from Amy & NE here. But, it's up to you decide the 'right' path for you to take.

    • I support your answer. This sister seems like she might consider a part time job first if she is getting lonely..that might take care of her needs for money and companionship without taking overt advantage of a good muslim man.

  4. Marriage is the sweetest and the most complicated relationship in the world. In Islam marriage cannot take place between insanes, immatures, particular relatives and homo or money , there are many more , but before marriage you cannot think only on one single issue, it's a big issue.
    And I think you should not get married as a second wife, it's not sometimes respectful in our society, if your husband does not treat you like a queen then why you will treat him like a king or hero ? and due to this conflict there are many couples who live miserable life. Money is not the main issue in marriage , so when there is a normal marriage but the man is poor , the wife takes care of the husband, but on the other hand when a rich man cares for others but his wife and neglects his wife , giving no or less money and makes her work all the time , this is not respect and love.
    Think twice before getting a disrespectful marriage , usually polygammy marriage means kind of "In live relation" which is not alowed in Islam. And when you will have children they will become mentally sick or will not follow family values.
    Marriage is not only a physical relation, it is a social bondage between two family and a deep union between two souls. That's why after death you will be asked about your husband and he will be asked about you.

  5. Salam Zahiba,

    1. I guess you may reside in UK as you estimate the cost of living in English pound. If you are living in England, I hope you have information on how to access subsidies from government for yourself and for your old age parents. I understand that it may not be widely accepted in your culture to depend on "outside" source to aid your parents. This is a way you may consider to lessen your responsibility.

    2. Don't get offended. You cannot exchange marriage for solving your financial needs. This is not the purpose of marriage even if you are "willing" to engage into a polygamy situation.

    3. Honestly, if you cannot handle to be a daughter in law due to social anxiety, how can you be able to approach your husband which is a much more intimate relationship?

    4. Your social anxiety or socially awkward behavior got worsen since you have been house bounded for too long being a carer. You need to get help - from the government, from non profit organization which supports carers, from your relatives and friends circle and the masjid, etc, etc.

    Sister, open up yourself and get help from outside, marriage does not solve your problem. How about if the man does not have good money to support you? Are you able or willing to work? I hope you can see clear the problem you are facing now cannot be solved by only marrying someone.

  6. Assalamu Alaikum,
    It is not your bad intention but to support your parents for whom there is no one to take care of. In case if you are unable to control your personal urge and God forbid commit any sins then it will be responsibility of your parents who needs to take care of this issue (to marry you at proper age). So it is good idea what you thought to get married and stay back with your parents if your would be husband do not have any objection to it.
    Please go ahead and search some thing suites your requirements.
    May Allah makes it easy for you to over come this situation.

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