Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Polygamy in Secret

Keeping secretsQuestion:

Assalamu alaikum,

I have a friend who is married and has a child back in his home country. He has been living abroad for a few years for work reasons. He often visits his wife and child once in every two years or so. Recently, he had a problem with his visa and now he is unable to go back home to visit as, if he does leave, he cannot return.

Recently, he married a revert sister, who knows that he is married and has a child. However, he did not inform his 1st wife regarding his 2nd marriage.

He has now been married for nearly nine months to his 2nd wife and is living with her. He is in touch with his 1st wife and child over the phone but has not told them anything.

I know Islamically he does not need to, but as a woman, I cannot seem to accept it. His 1st wife married him against her parents will and therefore, after marriage he did not allow her to have much contact with her own family. She was also a working professional, however, he made her quit and stay home with his family after marriage. Even now she lives with his parents looking after them and her child.

I know his 1st wife has told him that she cannot share him with another woman, when he brought up the issue of 2nd marriage a few years ago. And now she will be forced to accept it only because she does not have any family or friends to support her.

I have kept my distance from my friend and have not made any attempt of getting to know his 2nd wife, simply because I cannot help but feel that both of them are betraying his 1st wife. His 2nd wife is an educated professional woman who can possibly find another man without any difficulties. I cannot seem to understand how a woman could have a heart to do this to another woman.

My friend is not happy with me and our other friends for not being able to accept it... but we don’t know how we can accept this especially since we feel like we are betraying his 1st wife by keeping this from her? Some of us have known her from back home and were the ones who supported the both of them when they got married against her family's will.

- shimmerr

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam Dear Sister,

I understand the difficulty you are facing. It would have been much better if he had not shared this with you and put you in this situation as if he wants to have a secret second wife and life, he shoud have the decency to keep that secret away from those who have love and loyalty toward his first wife.

And thank God there are such people in the world as you dear sister, who reject the wrongs that they see and feel the way that you feel when a friend or fellow sister has been betrayed.

You have a good case to distance yourself from him and not get involved in his life and as your friend he has a right to know why you are making this decision and he needs to hear it as well.

Calmly explain that for you to spend time in his new life, would be to lie to his first wife and in lying to her, you are also betraying her. You are not willing to betray her, or decieve her in any way and so the best thing for you is to not know or be invited to know what he is doing - as when he is inviting you to his new life, he is also inviting you to betray your friend who has suffered much to be with him. Explain to him very clearly that when he invites you to his life, he is burdening you with upholding a lie and a believer does not lie. A believer always speaks the truth.

He should respect this about you, but in the event that he doesn't and rises to anger or argument - dont fight. As long as he has heard what you have said, what he does or says thereafter is of no consequence. He doesn't have to understand, sympathise or accept what you say - he only has to hear it.

It is a shame when people acknowledge their Islamic rights without observing their Islamic responsibilities and virtues and then put the people around them into conflict.

The problem is not with any Islamic rule or law regarding marriage, but rather the problem of balancing someone's application of those rights which then conflict the virtues of being loyal and having integrity toward one's friend and wanting for your sister what you want for yourself, and telling the truth even if it is against your own brother.

I commend you from the bottom of my heart for taking these actions. You do not have to accept this, there is no burden upon you to accept it, and it is very ignorant of this man to not be able to see that.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam Dear Sister,

    I understand the difficulty you are facing. It would have been much better if he had not shared this with you and put you in this situation as if he wants to have a secret second wife and life, he shoud have the decency to keep that secret away from those who have love and loyalty toward his first wife.

    And thank God there are such people in the world as you dear sister, who reject the wrongs that they see and feel the way that you feel when a friend or fellow sister has been betrayed.

    You have a good case to distance yourself from him and not get involved in his life and as your friend he has a right to know why you are making this decision and he needs to hear it as well.

    Calmly explain that for you to spend time in his new life, would be to lie to his first wife and in lying to her, you are also betraying her. You are not willing to betray her, or decieve her in any way and so the best thing for you is to not know or be invited to know what he is doing - as when he is inviting you to his new life, he is also inviting you to betray your friend who has suffered much to be with him. Explain to him very clearly that when he invites you to his life, he is burdening you with upholding a lie and a believer does not lie. A believer always speaks the truth.

    He should respect this about you, but in the event that he doesn't and rises to anger or argument - dont fight. As long as he has heard what you have said, what he does or says thereafter is of no consequence. He doesn't have to understand, sympathise or accept what you say - he only has to hear it.

    It is a shame when people acknowledge their Islamic rights without observing their Islamic responsibilities and virtues and then put the people around them into conflict.

    The problem is not with any Islamic rule or law regarding marriage, but rather the problem of balancing someone's application of those rights which then conflict the virtues of being loyal and having integrity toward one's friend and wanting for your sister what you want for yourself, and telling the truth even if it is against your own brother.

    I commend you from the bottom of my heart for taking these actions. You do not have to accept this, there is no burden upon you to accept it, and it is very ignorant of this man to not be able to see that.

    Peace,
    L

  2. Jazakallah sister Leyla,

    it is such a relief to receive a reply such as yours! most people seem to be more than happy to just say "islam does not require the permission of the 1st wife" therefore, its fine. I have tried to explain to many people many times, that while islamically it is right, but morally it is wrong and unbearable.....just the thought of the wife finding out one day breaks my heart.....i dont know her very well, but as a sister and as a woman, it brings tears to my eyes......

  3. Salaam Sister,

    I completely agree and understand.

    There are Islamic rules which come from the outside of us, and there are Islamic hearts which are in the inside of us. So rules permissions or not - a believer is honest, truthful, considerate and just. Yes, we are legally allowed to do many things, but our hearts should be full of faith, and act as our compass and we have to balance those rules and permissions within a greater moral remit of our Islamic hearts and we consider our brothers and sisters in every action.

    Unfortunately, many people still feel that legality of an action justifies an action, whilst those with powerful faith are guided by more than that.

    Peace,

    L

  4. Asalaamu alaikum

    The sister should be aware that it is not permissible for her to have male friends on this level of intimacy where they are involved in the affairs of the person or even sitting together and discussing this. It is of greater concern that the brother in question has female friends than of him having more than 1 wife.

    May Allah guide us to what is better

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