Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Pre marital sex and herpes

Worried young woman

Salam everyone,

 

I don't know who to ask this question to but I am hurting and confused and do not know what to do. Long story short, I (female) made a terrible mistake and had sex twice with a man I thought I loved and unfortunately contracted herpes. I have sincerely repented my sin and done what I can to be a better muslim in general. I am interested in a different man and I do not know what to tell him.

 

That relationship with the man who gave me herpes has since ended, no way could I marry him as he is extremely manipulative, pretended to be of the faith but in reality smoked, drank and slept around a lot (found out he had sex with 24+ people). There are absolutely no feelings left for him, I am almost 100% sure he knew he had herpes but did not tell me and did not use protection because he did not like using protection.

 

A little background about myself. I am from a western country, well educated and a little too modern. Grew up with almost no islamic friends and many western traditions were incredibly normalized for me. I know this is not an excuse for what I did. I wish that I was stronger and said no. I initially said no but he made it sound like this was something I should od with him because he loved me. All of my friends slept with their boyfriends so I thought I needed to as well. I had no islamic influence. Left home for 8 years between uni and grad school so parents religious influence was minimal. Again I am not making excuses, just trying to explain my mindset. I never forgot about Allah, I just..did not follow the teachings of islam. I always believed and always strived to be the best person I could be. I realize I am a random person on the internet but if you are to ask the people around me about myself i kow they would say only good things. I always treat others kindly, give to those less fortunate etc.

I waited to be sexually involved with anyone ( I am 27). I hate to say this but it was not entirely for religious reasons. looking back I think allah was protecting me by making it so that i never met anyone i liked enough to want to get involved with. being in a western society this bothered me-i felt like there was something so wrong with me that no one liked me. I had "talked" to some non muslim men before and we kissed but that was it. I never let it go past that becasuse i wanted to be with a muslim man. I never met one. Until this man.

 

I automatically put him on a pedestal because he was muslim. I thought he would be a kind, generous, honest and good person because he was muslim. I let him convince me to do things I wouldn't do. And he gave me herpes. He was the first person I ever became sexually involved with. I am a well educated person and specifically asked him about STDs. He said he was clean. And here i am.

 

I went into a depression after this happened. I was angry. How could I have sex twice and catch this incurable std when all my friends were sleeping around and were fine?? And then I was sad. So sad and depressed. I couldn't stop crying for weeks. Its been 8 months and I was doing pretty well but recently it hit me. I was so upset with the herpes that i didn't realize how mournful and sad I am about losing my viriginity to this guy.

 

I recently started talking to this boy and he is the one. I just know he is the one. We have talked about sexual relations and he has never had sex although he has had oral sex with multiple people. I told him that I have done this as well with one person. I was too ashamed to tell him I had sex. I am even more ashamed to tell him I have herpes. I am taking medication daily and have not had outbreaks since I started taking the medications. My question is.....what do I tell him? And if I do tell him, when is the right time?

 

I honestly feel so terrible about committing this sin and have since changed my ways. I was doing other non ismalmic things but since meeting this person I realized my wrong doings and have stopped. I am sincere in my regret and repentance to allah and I feel that he is forgiving me- There are days I will burst into tears thinking about what I've done and then I feel like everything will be ok. But I don;t know how my future husband will feel.

 

I feel terrible keeping this a secret. But I really do not want this mistake to ruin my future. I know I should have thought about this when it happened. But i did not. And I have sincerely tried to be a better, more practicing Muslim since then. I just don't know how to handle this matter. It's one thing to have pre marital sex but another to contract an STD. I consider myself to be open minded and I don't know how i would feel if someone told me that. This man is gentle and kind but also religious. Please give me advice on what to do.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

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11 Responses »

  1. Walaikum As Salam

    You are in this situation because of COMPARING yourself with your other folks.

    Comparing still fine, but depends who you have been comparing yourself with. You are in the west, so you compared yourself with your folks who are not Muslims (Since you said you havent had Islamic Influence ). Well in this case, doing all these haram things is the tradition of the people from WEST.. But you being MUSLIM you compared yourself to them and ended up doing all the whole nuisance. THAT WAS THE MISTAKE. No matter however kind, good, generous you are YOU DID A BLUNDER.. and that counts.

    Repent, fair enough but still some or the other guilt would be there within you.

    Coming to the HERPES part, i am humbly sorry since i have no knowledge about it. But if its something crucial that you need to disclose to the guy whom you want to spend your life with than you MUST. Relationships are based on Trust. There no such desired time to reveal him about this. The time is NOW, RIGHT NOW. Because you cannot hide it for a longer time. And its anytime better for you to tell him rather than he coming to know about it from someone else.

    I wish you all the very best.

    Wa Salam

  2. In short ..dont you know yet and understand that life is short and its a big test..You and others will never have peace contentment in this world..you will struggle in money relationships will be like toilet tissue used...abused...solution or answer...success in this world and in the hereafter is only obeying the COMMANDMENTs of Allah through the example of our beloved prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.Whosoever disobey will get there hard life in this world and will suffer in the next.this is fact .Foyndation of Islam myst be solid....basics know tour PURPOSE in life master 5 times salah and its prerequisites fast in Ramadan and zakat and make that journey to hajj if you have the means.The other is to read quran daily and learn it...this is for protection and being blessed....The donts keep away from music haram relations and becareful what you eat.Do not eat haram or doubtful foods...Because your devil only wants to DESTROY you ...he knows your weaknesses so he will pressure you through WHISPERs or by others..thats why we do zikr read quran to keep him at bay? You understand....

  3. OP: I wanted to be with a muslim man. I never met one. Until this man.........I automatically put him on a pedestal because he was muslim. I thought he would be a kind, generous, honest and good person because he was muslim. I let him convince me to do things I wouldn't do. And he gave me herpes. He was the first person I ever became sexually involved with. I am a well educated person and specifically asked him about STDs. He said he was clean. And here i am.

    I recently started talking to this boy. and he is the one. just know he is the one. We have talked about sexual relations and he has never had sex although he has had oral sex with multiple people. I told him that I have done this as well with one person...... My question is.....what do I tell him? And if I do tell him, when is the right time?

    Why you think you want to have a relationship (marry) with a guy who never had sex but has had oral sex with multiple people?
    You don't think oral sex is sex? Most likely this guy will make you a part of multiple people he had done with and will leave you.

  4. Assalaamualaikum

    Sadly, people sometimes make bad choices, and these choices have consequences - in your case, you have caught a disease. But this doesn't mean that you can't find happiness in this life and the next. Reflect on what led you to make these bad choices, repent for the times when you fell short of what Islam teaches us to strive for (we have several articles on tawbah on this website which might be helpful, inshaAllah), and resolve that from now on you will try to make choices which are consistent with Islamic values..

    Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (an STD) which is not currently curable, but treatments are available to control it and reduce the risk of flare-ups. If you haven't already, speak to your doctor to see what lifestyle changes, medication, etc. he or she recommends.

    However, this is a condition which could impact upon your future spouse as well, and so in my opinion you have an obligation to disclose this to him. Can you imagine how hurt and frightened someone would be to learn that their husband or wife had an STD and didn't tell them? I know it's scary to imagine sharing something so personal, but I think they have a right to know, so that they can decide whether or not to proceed with marriage. I don't think you necessarily need to tell a potential spouse all the details though. Perhaps you could start with a discussion about chronic illness, exploring their (and your) attitudes towards this - it's a reasonable thing to discuss, given that the majority of couples will encounter ill-health at some point in their lives together. If you then feel you want to continue towards marriage, you could gently break to him that you have a chronic illness. Explain to him how it affects and doesn't affect different aspects of your life, and show that you are managing to be responsible in seeking appropriate care and treatment. Then, if you are satisfied with his attitudes so far, you could break the news to him that you have contracted herpes. He doesn't need to know the details of who did what where and when. You could simply say that you made mistakes in the past and have repented before Allah. If he pushes the issue too far and walks away, then he probably isn't the right man for you - you need and deserve a kind and loving man who will support you with your health rather than judge you for it.

    Most importantly, don't make the same mistake again! You're already talking with a non-mahram guy who has his own past. I hate to be suspicious, but what is this guy doing talking so freely to you about private matters? If he is serious about wanting to be with you, tell him to come to your wali with a marriage proposal. If he does, Alhamdulillah. If he doesn't, then still say Alhamdulillah as Allah has shown you this guy's true colours and guided you away from an unhelpful relationship. Personally, I don't think you should be talking to this guy outside of the Islamic limits of discussing a marriage proposal, with the involvement of your wali, and you shouldn't be raising this issue with him outside of that context.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. see some useful information here

    https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/151739.php

    Personally I would suggest prioritize Allah than relationship..You are still young. Cure your self first before entering another relationship. repent.. ask for forgiveness.. Prayer is a good medicine too.. He is listening.. Believe to Allah.. Believe to Allah's miracle..

    Lastly, try to take Metronidazole before you sleep.. If you are having vaginal discharge you can put 1 piece of garlic inside (must have thread to pull it out) and always eat foods with garlic and honey.. if you have herpes on skin you can also rub garlic to it.. in all your actions say Bismillah (pray to Allah).. Do it everyday.

    I hope you get well soon.

    • Herpes is not curable. Once you contract it, you have it forever. No amount of garlic up your hoo-hah will change that fact...

      • yes sister i have read its not curable.. mine is just a suggestion.. atleast she try to do what she can and Allah will help. I believe in Allah's miracle.. since its not curable so I guess only Allah's miracle is the only hope.

    • Assalaamualaikum

      Inserting garlic into your private parts can cause chemical burns down there! Please don't do this. And please don't rub garlic onto any inflamed or broken skin - it hurts A LOT and doesn't actually do anything. You're also risking whatever you're putting in there getting stuck. Please trust me when I say that the infections and trauma from foreign objects (including food) getting stuck in there are very unpleasant and should be avoided.

      While there is some evidence to support the use of garlic in promoting wound healing, treating certain fungal infections, etc., this research primarily relates to specially prepared medication (including pessaries and suppositories), not whatever's in the kitchen. Natural remedies can be effective, but still require preparation, dosing, etc.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. I think you definitely have an obligation to tell a potential spouse about your herpes, however embarrassing it is. Because herpes is something your spouse could contract from you and be forced to live with for the rest of his life. Even when you give birth, your children could potentially be affected. A person has the right to know what risks are involved with being with a person that has herpes. Having to do this is called 'consequence' - every action has one or more.

    Also, just because people sleep around, doesn't mean they aren't careful - something you were not when you decided to have unprotected sex twice. It really only takes one single time to contract an STD, so it's not about the numbers at all. It's solely a matter of using protection.

    • Life isn’t ovwe many people have it but can’t say.
      Declare u TIL you find the right brother - in shah Allah.

      • I have to say i am astounded by some of the responses to the sister's original post

        Firstly...she made a mistake...she acknowledged it..she has repented..end of matter. Pouring on further criticism and judging her is unfair, and goes against the teachings of Islam. Do not judge lest you be judged

        Secondly, the advice about her curing herself first using metronidazole and inserting garlic into her vagina or rubbing it on the lesions is nonsense and should be ignored. Inserting garlic into a vagina can be a dangerous thing to do. Herpes cannot currently be cured.

        Thirdly..herpes is extremely common. 1 in 4 women are estimated to have genital herpes of the HSV2 type. 80 percent of humans have HSV1 virus which causes mainly cold sores but also can cause genital herpes. Most people who are infected dont know they have it. The risk of transmission from a woman to a man if they have sex when there are no lesions is very small..around 4 percent or even less. Many people have one or two outbreaks and never have a recurrence again.. the point is.. from a medical point of view is a benign rash..the issue is the stigma of it...thats really not helped by the reactions of some of the people above.

        This is why muslims in the west live in fear at times and are scared to talk openly about these issues.

        In summary...sister...now that you have asked Allahs forgiveness .. live a healthy life.. pray for a decent man..and inshAllah.. you will be rewarded...for Allah tests most the people who are dearest to him.

        Please let me know if i can help in any way

        Was salam

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