Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am pregnant and my boyfriend thinks on suicide

abortion

I'm in an horrific situation and I don't know who to turn to. I'm really hoping you can offer some kind of advice.

 I am white British and my boyfriend is Pakistani Muslim. We have been in loving and caring committed relationship for some time. We recently found out that despite using protection somehow we are pregnant. It came as a huge shock to both of us, but after a couple of weeks of getting our heads around it we were starting to feel very excited and had started to make plans for the future.

We knew that telling his parents was going to be incredibly difficult given the severity of their view of sex before marriage. We couldn't possibly have imagined just how bad it would be. They have demanded I have an abortion (something I am not prepared to do) and that my partner has to choose between being a son and being a father. Although he is 25 he still lives at home, and has no freedom to make his own decisions. I have never been welcome in their home. And the vicious words that are coming out of their mouths at the moment are tantamount to mental abuse.

My partner is believing everything they say to him and has started having suicidal thoughts. I'm desperate. I don't know how to salvage this situation. I really love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm honoured to be carrying his child. Is there any hope for us? How do we ever go about persuading his parents to accept this and allow him to be the fantastic father I know he would be? And how can I support him through this very difficult time? Please help. I'm at a loss.

Thank you.

Al

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92 Responses »

  1. I am sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in, dear Al.
    I would strongly advise you, whatever you do not to give into the parents pressures. Your baby is a gift so please do not consider abortion. The child is innocent in all of this. Sex before marriage is a big sin, but so is abortion so even if they continue trying to pressure you, do not give in. Even if you did give in to their pleas, it would not gurantee that they wouldnt try to cause trouble between you and the guy.

    I am not sure how exactly you can persuade his parents, except you both showing your commitment to each other. Are you muslim my dear? If not, Have you considered looking into Islam? God is the best of advisers so turn to Him and seek His help.

    First and foremost, i advise you stop this 'relationship with this man as Islamically its not permissible, and will only cause more problems for you both. If you want to still be with this man, then consider marriage if possible. In the interim keep contact within Islamic boundaries. Let his parents comments wash over you - and be nice to them whatever they say.

    I apologise that I could not offer more constructive advice - I am having serious mind-block right now so God willing another editor will offer some better advice below. I will remember you in my prayers

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  2. Peace be with you and your baby,

    Thank you very much for trusting us to help you through this delicate situation, may Allah(swt) help me to be worth of your trust, insha´Allah.

    You need solutions, let´s face the situation, your boyfriend now is feeling like breaking on two halves, one is with you and the baby and the other one with his family, for his suicidal thoughts I believe his family´s duties are stronger on him than your call (this doesn´t mean he doesn´t love you). You have to put yourself on his shoes to understand what is going on, here you have a mixture of religion and culture, I cannot say which is stronger by your words, but this is an explosive combination because having a relationship with you is against both, having a child outside marriage is against both, then all your boyfriend´s roots are shaking to even make him think about dissapearing, you can literally say he is having a emotional tsunami in his inner being. Must be very painful to be in his bones right now. If you ask me how he can solve this, I will tell you he has two ways, one that will satify his family and other one that will satisfy you, but in both cases he will have to break with one of the two sides, at least for a while, I am afraid so. Which is the right one? He has already a baby in the way with you, this will have to be his priority I think, but looking at his inner fight, only Allah(swt) knows, you are not muslim, depending on your religion he will be able to marry you or not.

    Give himself the time he needs to solve the situation with his family and his inner self, I am sure he will let you know as fast as he finds a proper solution, insha´Allah.

    If you are a religious person, please pray to God to help you to solve this situation, to guide you to the solutions and to comfort all of you that are struggling with all this, insha´Allah.

    Look for guidance in this tough moments, look to your roots and to the One that has given you Life and has given you a new Life, He is the One that has all the answers and the One that is All-Hearing and All-Seeing, go to Him to ask for help. Ask for forgiveness too, without knowing it, going against others people beliefs everyone now is suffering, they have hurt you but be conscious you and your boyfriend(he has done it consciously, that is why he is suffering so much now) have hurt them too, it would be good to acknowledge their suffering for this situation that is terrible for all of you. You and your boyfriend should forgive them and ask for forgiveness to them for interfering in their life in the wrong way, not showing respect for ther values. I hope this will help, insha´Allah.

    If you need us, just let us know, we will be here for you, insha´Allah.

    I have you all in my Heart. All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Is good 4 me 2 read ur post. . And i just don't know where 2 start from as dis is indeed a horiffic situation. .., however i have a radical solution anyway.. Dear AI, what do u know about d religion (islam)?.... . Do u care 2 know about d beauty of islam or about d authenticity of d religion. . . Because had it been both of u are practising the same religion, d problem would have been a little bit solved.. I feel d problem with parents is not only d issue of illegal pregnancy, but also d issue of difference in culture and religion.., i also feel dat had it been u are practising the same religion, d parent might assume d illegal pregnancy 2 be a very serious mistake commited by both of u and might even look forward 2 forgive u both... And i would have advice u 2 marry him immediately as dis dating relationship has no place in islam..... . . This my own personal opinion. I will advice 2 look into it and by God's willing there will be a way out. . . . . . . Mohd

  4. Assalaamu alaykum,

    Islamic life comes with a set of laws, which if not obeyed would cause even the wisest people to wander blindly and expose themselves to grave trouble.

    For example, the earth has a law of gravitation. Imagine if there is the slightest change in that force, how many flights would go crashing? or how much destruction it would cause? Only Allah knows what havoc it could cause.

    If the earth were to move a few meters closer to the sun than its current orbit, you know what would happen? The heat would cause great damage to the biosphere and Allah knows what great destruction would take place.

    Similarly, Allah, the One who created the heavens and the earth and the sun and the moon, revealed to His slave Muhammad (may peace be upon him) a Scripture, for his creation, man, it is the Qur'an. He has given man a choice, to be obedient to Him like the sun and the moon and the earth and the skies and be fine enough until an appointed time, when they all will be crushed and rolled up or to deny obedience and be of the losers. The choice is for man, whichever way he takes.

    The sun and the moon by nature have been created to obey Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. But as I said He gave man a will to choose a way to Him or to turn away from Him, now it is up to man which way he takes. By the Qur'an we come to know of how to fit ourselves in obedience to the Beneficent and be in the state of "submission" to Him, just as all that is in the earth and the skies and beyond them and between them is in "submission" to Him and they stand fast by His command.

    One of the rules set by Allah is not to have sex before marriage. It is not permissible in Islam to do so. So by coming out of submission to God and acting on passion and desire incited by the whispers of Shaytaan, the human soul goes against the law and the consequences are similar to something you are in right now.

    The solution is simple; believe in Allah and His Messenger. Believe in the Qur'an, act upon it. Leave the foul and take the good which Allah has allowed and turn to Him in total repentance. You and your boyfriend. Repent for the sins, repent for submitting to the whispers of the devil and being rebellious to Him (either with knowledge or in ignorance).

    53. Say: My slaves who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, Who forgiveth all sins. Lo! He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.
    54. Turn unto Him repentant, and surrender unto Him, before there come unto you the doom, when ye cannot be helped. – Surah 39, Az Zumar.

    Once you repent with a true repentance to Allah, surely you are forgiven by Him.

    Tell your boy friend not to think of suicide. Assure him that if we turn to Allah, everything will be fine, Insha Allah. Tell him that the child is innocent of what they have done and should not be made to suffer in any case.

    As sister Maria wrote, whether he can marry you or not based upon your religion is a question.

    Sometimes, it feels so disgusting within my mind about how Muslim men act and do not fear the consequences.

    But I have heard of people marrying quickly due to pregnancy before marriage.
    One advice for the guy: I have not seen any family cutting ties forever when children have disobeyed them. So be patient. Insha Allah, after sometime all feelings of anger would die down and Allah would let the love of parents emerge again and they would accept him and you with happy hearts.

    But No.1 priority as I said should be turn to Allah for repentance. That is the best. Get a copy of Qur’an with English translation, or you may download one from the internet as well.

    May Allah make it easy for you. If you have questions related to marriage, do feel free to ask.
    And yes, there is no need for suicide, if he is not pretending it. All problems in this world have a solution in the Qur’an. So do not worry, Allah is Oft Forgiving to those who turn to Him.

    17. Forgiveness is only incumbent on Allah toward those who do evil in ignorance (and) then turn quickly (in repentance) to Allah. These are they toward whom Allah relenteth. Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
    18. The forgiveness is not for those who do ill deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. – Surah 4, An Nisaa.

    Do feel free to ask more questions and clear any doubts.

    We pray to Allah to show you a road ahead and guide you to His way, the way of the Beneficent, unto whom belongs the sovereignty of the heavens and the earth.

    Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

    Salaam.

  5. I have said to him that I am willing to convert and to marry. Not least because I want to spend my life with him anway, but if it helps with this situation with his famil I am willing. Is that possible?

    Thank you so much for your words they are really helping. x

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      Sister, I ask you to think for yourself before you take a step.

      Is your conversion to Islam by the devotion of your heart? Is it call from within that this is the certain Truth?

      When you feel from your heart that Allah, He is your only God and the God of all mankind and the Lord of all that exists and you firmly believe that Muhammad (peace be upon him), was the Messenger of Allah, because He was given the Message of the Qur'an by Allah to be delivered for all mankind. And if you feel and believe this from your heart and want to live your life in accordance with the Qur'an for the sake of ALLAH ONLY and not as a favor to your relationship or the Pakistani guy, then and only then I believe you should take your Shahadah and be a Muslim.

      To become a Muslim is simple, you just have to proclaim with truth and only truth in your heart : I testify that there is no god but Allah and I testify that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the slave of Allah and His Messenger.

      This is simple, but the life ahead is not only filled with some ethical code of conduct, but also is a life demanding in terms of self restraint. The greater striving begins when you become Muslim - you have to leave all vices, alcolhol, sex without marriage, talking to other men without necessity, covering yourself up in a decent dressing so as not to reveal anything of yoru body except what is necessary - of course this when you go out , you have to give charity and pay the poor due, you have to perform prayers regularly early morning, afternoon, before and after sunset and when the night starts setting in, so 5 times of prayer as well.

      Of course you may take time to learn, you may take as much time as you like for learning about Islam, but the point to note is your life would undergo changes and all that should be for - GOD. FOR ALLAH.

      Remember when we do something for someone, especially in religion, many women or men say, I did this for her or I did this for him, I changed so much for him or her, yet she is doing this to me.

      We should ask ourselves, being Muslims for whom are we living? For whom is our worship? For whom do we abstain our tounge from speaking evil? From whom we abstain to think evil thoughts? For whom do we feed the poor and help the needy? For whose rememberance we perform salaat?
      For whom do we keep our ties of relations? For whom do we perform the pilgrimage?

      Surely for Allah. Then all good changes in us should be for Allah only.


      162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds.
      163. He hath no partner. This am I commanded, and I am first of those who surrender (unto Him).
      164. Say: Shall I seek another than Allah for Lord, when He is Lord of all things? Each soul earneth only on its own account, nor doth any laden bear another's load. Then unto your Lord is your return and He will tell you that wherein ye differed
      . - Chapter/ Surah 6, Al A'nam.

      3. Surely Pure religion is for Allah only. Chapter/ Surah 39, Az Zumar.

      Pure religion is for Allah only. Whatsoever you do of good expecting reward from Allah only and without seeking any benefits or favors from anyone, then you are on the Path of Allah, the Straight Path.

      Sister,
      I have no idea or any knowledge of the future, but I have some experience of what I have known of people in the past. When they have become Muslims for someone - their problems have remained unsolved and their hearts have not found peace. But as for those who became Muslims for Allah, have found strength in hardship and have got the peace of hearts and courage to live.

      Also, if you become Muslim for your the guy, and he leaves you, would you leave Islam also because it was for him?

      And if you become Muslim for Allah and even if the guy leaves you, you have the faith with you. You gain something very superior to all the other pleasures of the world. And your faith in Allah would , Insha Allah, bless you with all happiness in this life and on the Day of Judgment.

      Sister, think about all this and more. Be alone with your self for a while. Let your mind do a free flow thinking, do not stop any thoughts that may come. Allow one thought from another and at the end decide for yourself what is the best course of action you see.

      Think and then write back to us anything you have to tell/ ask/ share.

      May Allah make it easy and straightforward for you to decide.

      Salaam.

      * * *

    • BroterrMunir, we aught 2 take things in steps '"invite all 2 d way of your Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching and ague with dem in d way dat are best and most gracious'". . . . . So use hikmah in doing ur da'awah pls. . . . . . . . . My dear Al, i think if u go through d comment i made in d begining,i really pointed out dat by God's willing, dis approach will work. . U have already taking a step dat will break d bond of differences of culture and religion in d minds of his parents. . . What i want u now 2 do is 4 both of u 2 acknowlege d sins u have commited.. Ask Almighty Allah 2 forgive u and make arrangement so dat u both meet his parents, try 2 explain 2 dem (with tears in ur eyes) how really guilty u feel about what happened, try 2 explain 2 dem dat dis is a mistake in ur path and u wish d guidiance has come 2 u b4 d mistake happend. . . . Also try 2 explain 2 dem dat nobody is above mistake and d best among us is d one who realizes his mistakes and ask Allah(GOD) 4 forgiveness.. Try 2 be humble in there sight...,, i trust they will listen 2 u... Put ur trust in Allah and surelly there will be a way out.. . . . . . But there is one more thing my dear Al. . . . I will like u 2 look at d religion (islam) u are about 2 accept.., its beauty, its authenticity, d messengership of d prophet muhammad(SAW). . . His examplary life, his miraculous proofs of been a massenger of Allah.. . .ask ur husband ''to be'' ( by God's grace) to give u a copy of d Quran dat has english translation and commentary. .(especially d one translated by abdullah yusuf ali or by king fahad printing press, or by muhsin khan). ... .. Read through it and try 2 base d fact of ur beleive on all these(i mentioned in d few line above) rather dan u thinking u reverted 2 islam because of marriage or because of d problem u are facing. . . . We care 4 u 4 d sake of islam so take care of ur self and every thing will be fine by d grace of Almighty Allah. . . Pls try 2 keep in touch with us on any issue coming forth

      • Assalamu alaykum Br. Muhammad,

        My name is Munib, may be by mistake you wrote Munir.

        I have used whatever hikmah Allah has given me to the best of my ability with whatever came to my mind while answering the post of the questioner.

        You may read my post again and know for yourself.

        I would be glad if you could point out my errors at places where I have not used hikmah and let me know, so that I may correct myself or let you know if you misunderstood what I meant to convey.

        Salaam.

        * * *

      • As salamu alaykum brothers and sisters,

        Just to remind that our first priority is the wellbeing of Al, her baby and if we can everyone around her, and reading both of your comments, both have given the best possible advice inside of your own experience and choices in life, I don´t see any reason to argue, hikmah is a beautiful word, means wisdom and da´awa means call to Islam.

        Brother Mohd, respecting other choices in life is essential to be able to get their attention, to make them know about the responsibilities they will have and the right reasons that they should have to make life time decisions, it is a sign of respect, maturity and, of course, of wisdom, I am sure you did misunderstand what you read, I´ve read the advices given by brotherMunib, I wouldn´t say he lacks of wisdom, specially in this one.

        I have heard many cases of both muslims and with a pregnancy in the middle and parents just reject the marriage, and even if the marriage occurs in some cases they split the couple, they force to divorce, and whatever you can imagine, then, to revert because will be a solution is not the way to focus this.

        To revert is such an intimate process that when it comes together with so many struggles, it is normal to advice the person to think about it more deeply than normal, because it is not a question of I just say shahada and it is done, or I read the Quran and that´s it, this is something much more complex and the person has to see it inside of themselves because who is going to be in front of Allah(swt) every single breath is us, Alhamdulillah.

        We are having many non muslims questioners and readers right now and they know they will receive an advice based in our beliefs, and knowing this they come to us, anyway, that deserves all my respect, because they are guests in our house, and deserve to be treated and respected as guests, I am not going to try to change them, what I will try is to be my best for them as I try to be my best for everyone and the first One, My Lord(swt), I will try to be the best mirrow for them, insha´Allah, and of course, we have to be open that not all of them will think on revert, if they want to and they ask for guidance, here we are, insha´Allah, if they don´t and ask for guidance anyway, here we are too, insha´Allah, we have chosen to be here for all brothers and sisters in need, being muslims or not, at least, that is what I believe. Brother and Sisters, do you understand what I mean?

        If you read my comment and you see you can add something to improve it , do it, try to show to me with your own comment your best, I am willing to learn from you, because I am conscious of my ignorance, I see all the people that comes to this site, me included as a big team and everyone of us has a shine that nobody else in this world has and we are so blessed to be able to be together to shine as a beautiful jewel to show Light, insha´Allah, in the best way possible to all of us that needs it, we are opening ways to many that have lost hope, Alhamdulillah, we are sowing seeds of hope, love, respect, compassion, mercy,....based in our own beliefs, in our thoughts, in our acts, in our life choices, mainly in our compromise to our Lord, Alhamdulillah, we try to show Allah(swt)´s guidance and help to everyone that needs it, brothers and sisters, we have a great responsibility, I am learning from all of you everyday, from everyone and I see how we help to heal one to the other, how we learn one for the other, how we hold one to the other, ....insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

        Thank you for listening to me and thank you for being who you are and allowing me to be who I am, Alhamdulillah.

        Barak Allah Feekum.

        All my Unconditional Respect,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Peace be upon you and your baby, sister,

      Nice to know about you, you really seems much better now.

      You have receive excellent advice already, not much left to say, but I would reinforce the fact that you should convert not to marry the father of your child, you should feel it in your whole being, because it will be a responsibility towards the One that woke up on you the breath of life, this is a serious issue to be backwards and forwards after you have taken the decision.

      I hope you think about it seriously as everyone has adviced you. I do believe you will feel the right guidance, insha´Allah, and you will move to the Straight Path following the straight reasons, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      Get ready, because even if you revert and marry him, it may take a while for his family to forgive you, acknowledge their suffering, as I told you before, ask for forgiveness without expecting to be forgiven, be patience and loving, your sweet and soft heart plus your baby, I am sure will gain their love and respect with time and with Allah(swt)´s help, insha´Allah.

      Once you revert, about marrying pregnant I would go to the Iman and ask him directly if it is possible. I am sure he will help you, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister,

        May Allah keep you steadfast as you are and even more on the path of Islam and gaurd us from the Evil, Accursed Whisperer - Shaytaan who is at all moments trying to beguile us from the way of Allah.

        I totally agree with the point you made. Especially about inviting to Islam. No.1 priority is to give a good advice to Muslims and non Muslims alike, whosoever questions us here and next comes inviting them to Deen of Islam.

        You are right, everyone is a part of this team and we should make it a point to remain as a team and point out if someone is "misrepresenting" or "misinterpreting" Islam.

        Other than that advice means - opinion/views of people for our own khair, so opinions may differ and as the ayat goes, which I love and I think brother Wael should put it on the websites main page as well, below the title of the site:

        Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding. -Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

    • Salamu alaikum. . . . I humbly wish to make some reply to brotherminib and also d sister involved (sis maria). . . . . . . I think u really misunderstood what i meant by d statement '"we aught to take things in steps'" and "use ur hikmah in doing ur da'awah". . . . . Brotherminib has giving an excellent approach in trying to convince d sister to accept d religion for Allah's sake only and not because of d fact dat she want to marry d pakistani or solve her problem... . . . I acknowledge dat and i job him for dat.... But what i expected him to give 1st preference to is trying to advice d lady on how to tackle her situation (since dis is exactly what brought her to dis forum) and also to strenghten her mind with some word of courage so dat she feels possibilities of hopes...,in fact if u go through her 2nd post, u will realise dat she needed words dat will give her hope. . . . . . . . . . . . . then d 2nd preference (to b written on d same post) should go to d issue u gave an excellently approach to.. ie d issue of accepting d deen for d sake of Allah only... And dat is exactly what i meant by 'taking things in steps' and using hikmah in da'awah. . . I hope u both now understand my point of view... I speak to both of u in all humility and i really appreciate ur point of views in all what u posted in these forums... May almighty Allah reward u aboundantly for ur effort towards spreading d massage

      • Walaykum as salam, brother Mohd,

        Jazak Allahu khair for replying, I am sorry for misunderstanding your message and I really appreciate your words, thank you very much.

        All my Unconditional Respect,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalamu alaykum Brother Muhammad,

        Thanks for understanding. I do not think I misunderstood you 🙂

        Each one has their way of approach.

        I feel I gave an advice encompassing obedience and disobedience to Allah and her current situation, its reasons and its consequences and a possible way ahead for her own good.

        I tried to use as much less space as I could do instruct her about a life changing decision liked TOTALLY to her current situation.

        I tried to respond with what I could think at that time and I hope to improve for future with Allah's mercy and your dua's.

        Salaam.

        * * *

        Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      Sister Al how are you? Any progress?

      Please keep updating us.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  6. My dear Al. . . How are you doing? .. What is your situation right now?? How are you coping with the problems??, any progress?? What steps have you taken to the advice i gave to you (as regards meeting and apologising to the parent)?? Or do you find it to be a heavy approach?? Pls keep us posted so we can think of way forward..... we care for you and we want to shear your problems with you

  7. Since writing I have been admitted to hospital with hyperemesis (extreme morning sickness and dehydration). The doctor said this can happen anyway but the stress of this situation is a large contributing factor. My partner seems more level headed now but cannot give me the support I need at this time. He spends his time hanging his head in shame at home waiting for his parents to decide what he is allowed to do about our situation. I greatly respect him for the love and devotion he shows to his family, but I would be lying if I said I don't find it very frustrating that he never speaks his mind. And I'd never wish him to speak out in words of anger; his gentleness is one of the things I love about him. But because he will not even softly talk about his feelings with his parents they do not know how he feels, which scares me as to what they will allow him to do. I wish I could meet with his parents to apologise for what we have put them through, but without their request to meet with me I fear it would be presumptuous of me. I have contacted his siblings to apologise for what they are going through. I genuinely feel sorry that what we have done has had this impact on their lives. Obviously I didn't say this, but I find it a little selfish that they cannot offer their brother the support he needs at this time. His pain requires their love and it baffles me they don't give it. I am very lucky that although my family is some distance away they love and support me no matter what, as I do them. This family dynamic is very alien to me.

    I understand what has been said about changing my faith for the wrong reasons and it is true it would be a knee-jerk reaction to try and ease his family situation, and this is not a good reason.

    I am just desperate to make this right. And it's so frustrating that none of this is in my control. I feel like I have a sword hanging over my head and I am waiting for the thumbs up/down for how my and my childs life will be. I don't want my child to grow up without a father and when he/she asks why my answer would have to be 'because your grandparents wouldn't allow it'. I am trying so hard to be patient and humble. But it is hard.

    • Peace be upon you and your baby, al,

      I am sorry you have been sick and I thank God you are feeling better. Thank you again for sharing and trusting us.

      You put many issues on the table but they will reduce easily to your frustation of not being on control of the situation and the cultural shock you are suffering with this situation.

      Let´s talk a bit about it, sister what made you love the father of your child is what makes you feel dissapointed towards him, the respect to the parents is a heavy weight in religion and in culture, he could make his own decisions, but he wouldn´t be able to handle with the guilt of what he has done, then the best is to be patience, in his case being muslim repenting for going against what was expected from him to do, ask for forgiveness, stop sinning and that means, stop seeing you and follow the right procedures to marry you, if they accept you for their son.

      Your baby is a blessing in all the aspects you can think off and one of the aspects is that he/she has brought to Light what was in darkness, now you can do all the straight steps to be where you have to be and to do what you have to do, God´s willing.

      I want you to go to the core of the situation, you know already you don´t control anything, good for you, sometimes it takes a lifetime to realize this, Thank God you got it already, this will make the path easier for you, but I would like if you try to see your situation without any weapon on top of your head and without thumbs up or down, this is a very negative thought, you have to be careful with your thoughts, you have a baby to care about now and your thoughts, can be words one day, then good opportunity to begin to work on positive, creative thinking.

      With you I would begin from the begining, respect and with this I mean unconditional respect, go deeper in this, whatever his family do, you should respect them, even in your thoughts you have to learn to respect them, if you truly feel it, they will feel it and you will see how the obstacles melt little by little, you knew he was muslim and from other culture, now you have to learn to respect them, your baby is their blood too, when you respect them, you are respecting your baby. With this attitude you will give strength and support to the father of your baby, a man needs to be respected to be the best he can be in this life, and you will gain their respect with time too, God´s willing.

      Think positive and try not to blame anyone for this situation, give thanks to God every single minute for all your blessings, this will wake up in you the Light to help you to melt obstacles, God´willing.

      And about surrendering, my beloved al, there is nothing in this world we can do for ourselves, think about it, but in the blink of an eye we can have everything and lose everything and having it back again, and the One that has the power overall is God, then now that you have discovered this as such a young age take advantage of this knowledge and transmute it into wisdom, surrendering to the One that has power overall, ask Him for guidance, for help, for support, for comfort, for mercy, for forgiveness, for unconditional respect and love, you have awakening already the seeds of Light inside of yourself, won´t take longer when you begin to see the first sprouts, insha´Allah. Pray and praise to God, you will be guided to the Light. God´s willing.

      I hope this help you in some way, insha´Allah, and remember that I am a simple human being the most imperfect of us, and I can be wrong but you know already to whom you have to turn to, Thanks to Him.

      If you need us or you need me to be for you, just let us know. I feel blessed for knowing you, your baby and all of your family, you are giving Light to many without knowing it, Thank God, and thank all of you.

      From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

    • Assalamu alaykum Al,

      May Allah heal your sickness soon and give you health.

      Sister, you are desparate now to get this right. But were you not desparate to get it wrong as well?

      As long as you do not repent to Allah, nothing will seem to be good and you will feel more powerless.

      If Allah's will is to guide you, He will bring you to guidance from even the darkest of the darkness you would be in to, but turn to Him sister, turn to Him.

      You yourself said that you feel you have no control over the situations, so surrender sister, submit all your affairs to Allah, let him take care of your affairs.

      And what respoect you feel for a guy who when he was in love and lust gave in to desires and when time came to take responsbility, he says he cannot go against parents?

      Would not his parents have taught him to do his work in a foreign land and not indulge in to unlawful acts. At that time why he went against parents?

      Only a person who does sins and then repents to Allah, even if his sins are the greatest of the sins, and he turns to Allah, such person should be respected. If this guy has little bit of fear of Allah, he should not leave you like this and "remain obedient to parents". Shame on this dirty culture and shame on the people who keep up the dirty culture "clean" when the dirt is still in their hearts.

      May Allah guide them to His ways. We all have sinned and turned to Allah. We are not angels. But there is something like humanity, fear of Allah, which I see lacking here, in the guy and his family.

      I may sound harsh, but this "love" before marriage has ruined so many lives and it has done more harm to people than good, it is really bad, it is worst and it is hell, as you are going through hell right now. When Muslims who are practising try to explain this to the west, they say: O! I am in heaven, love is amazing, how can you know what is love? have you loved someone and all sorts of such words thrown at and they say you can't marry someone until you sleep with them, well hard fact but true that not all but many Western guys and girls sleep with each other as if they are taking test drives before buying a car. This is the hard fact of the Western culture today and unfortunately this infection, this disease is growing among Muslims as well. May Allah gaurd us from all evil traps laid by Shaytaan at every step we walk. We seek His refuge.

      Sister, turn to Allah sister. He has blessed you with a family, who are with you in any situation. Seek their support at this time and pray to Allah to make the bad to turn in to good and the sins to be replaced in to good actions.

      You find it shocking that his siblings do not support him. It is not strange especially in Asia and the Indian sub continent, because they think it is a very ill deed their brother has done and they overlook that some girl is carrying a baby in her womb due to their brother. And when it comes to the west, they have a perception that girls in west are like this and one by one guys keep coming in their lives and so what if she got pregnant, let her do abortion. This is the pyschology I am trying to explain to you, don't think it is my personal opinion, it is a psychology rampant among the Indian sub continent.

      They will think that along with their brother you were also a partner in the crime.

      The best part would be: The guy would say, I repent to Allah, I shall not sin again like that, you say, I repent to Allah, I shall not sin like that again. Both try to be good Muslims. He stands up and says, I will marry her by the permission of Allah. And the guy gives you lot of respect. If he does not respect you, make you his wife, forget about his family doing anything of that sort.
      Your esteem could be High in the Sight of your Lord and the world only when you feel repentant, you leave the sin, you walk on the Straight Path and try to please Allah, the Creator of all. And he does the same and all this can happen only if Allah wills.

      Please try and read the Qur'an as soon as you can. Please sister, for your own good.

      11. If Allah were to hasten on for men the ill (that they have earned ) as they would hasten on the good, their respite would already have expired. But We suffer those who look not for the meeting with Us to wander blindly on in their contumacy.
      12. And if misfortune touch a man he crieth unto Us, (while reclining) on his side, or sitting or standing, but when We have relieved him of the misfortune he goeth his way as though he had not cried unto Us because of a misfortune that afflicted him. Thus is what they do made (seeming) fair unto the prodigal.
      13. We destroyed the generations before you when they did wrong; and their messengers (from Allah) came unto them with clear proofs (of His Sovereignty) but they would not believe. Thus do We reward the guilty folk
      - Surah Yunus.

      Please be forgiving if I said words that seemed to be harsh, I donot to the least like any harshness.

      All I said is for your well being. You belong to an unIslamic life and back ground and your ignorance may have led you to this darkness.

      But if you hold fast to Allah, He would bring you from darkness to light and would appoint a light for you to walk in, Insha Allah.

      My sincere prayers for you. May Allah heal you and guide you to His way.

      Keep us posted. If you turn to Allah, and no one is with you except Him, then remember, I, your brother is with you. This is a promise. A sure promise. But turn to Allah first O sister.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  8. Whether he is a Muslim man or not it doesnt make it ok to walk away from his child. Whats done is done. You are a good person to be repenting and considering converting & apologizing to his family...being patient, etc. You love him and thats the bottom line. Its too bad they wont accept that. I dont think it ok to blame it all on culture and religion. The parents took a risk with their son by allowing him to be in a situation where he would meet and fall in love with someone who is not the same as him or his cousin. And though you may not have the same background as him, you share similar values and have a deep respect for him. Im in a similar situation as you, although Im not pregnant. When you talk about your guy, I feel like yoh are describing mine. Ive been in so much pain. I come to these sights to see that I am not alone. Its so sad to see these families want a life of freedom for themselves yet treat their children like they are still back home. Then I see so many unhappy South Asian/Muslim men messing around outside of what their parents would accept and they break so many hearts. Many of them get heartbroken too because they are good men and just want to be with someone who makes them happy. This whole 'cultural' thing is problematic and an epidemic. We should start getting the word out, writing books, etc. It reminds me of the recent days of slavery in America and how white families would disown their children for falling in love with a black person or vice versa. Its a very ignorant way of thinking. God loves us all. We are so lucky to have families who support us and care about us no matter what. And funny thing is people like his family are the first to call out discrimination if they dont like a situation yet look at them. It's sad and pathetic. Everyone keeps telling me to walk away, move on, let go, find someone else. What we are up against is ignorance. You can be sorry and patient. You can blame this all on yourself. But you sound like a good person and thats why he loves you. Just be yourself. Dont worry about their ignorance (easier said than done I know). Let nature take it course. You cant change them or their way of thinking. He will have to support the baby financially even if he cant be there emotionally. I know you want all the right things for your baby. But instead of teaching their son to be a man and take care of his new family, they are more worried about the superficial aspects of it all. Instead of loving unconditionally they want their son to bow his head in shame and obey them like hes an object. Its so infortunate. Instead of asking them to forgive you, forgive them. If he would rather be miserable, let him. You will be an amazing mother and never put your child through any of this. My guy was told he took away all of his parents happiness and is SO disrespectful for not wanting to marry the girl they picked for him. He was guilted and emotionally blackmailed into it. He hates his life, wants to commit suicide and cries all of the time. But his parents are 'happy' being fake and pretending so I guess that is all that matters. Your baby will bring you joy. Try not to stress. They dont deserve a good person like you in their ignorant and prejedice lives. Its the 21st century. I imagine this will he the last generation to get caught up in this...I hope and we should raise awareness. Its not ok for these boys to hurt us if they know they are only going to succumb to their parents demands in the end anyway. We need to tell other girls not to date these boys because their parents will force them to be with someone else anyway. And I feel sorry for their wives who are at the unhappy home while the men are so unhappy they are out cheating....you see it at hear about it all of the time. Where is the honor in all of that?? We need to put an end to all of the 'culteral' and 'religious' excuses. Its not ok to use people or keep them at your disposal. Hes just as involved in this as you yet you are the one in the hospital suffering. Give it some time...write a book, call Oprah, speak up and speak out...dont wait for him to decide. He is no man he is a puppet to his parents. You have done nothing wrong if all you have done is love him. I know I sound bitter. But show them love. Show your child love. Be a better person and let them drown in their pool of ignorance. Wish them the best and let them sort out whatever it is that they need to sort out on their own. Make sure he at least supports that baby in some fashion...financially at least. Its not ok for hin to get away scott free and leave you hurting. Take care of yourself and your baby and raise awareness. This is a horrible problem in todays day and age. Its ok to love.

    • As salamu alaykum, Choice1,

      Thank you very much for sharing your experience, I am very sad looking how bitter you are feeling, I agree in most of the things you have said, but not all must happen as you said.

      Al and her baby will make a difference, you know why, you saw it as I saw it, she is strong and soft inside and outside, that kind of Heart melts every hardness around with their own warmth, God´s willing.

      To forgive and be forgiven, Forgiveness to be complete has to go in all directions, because actions have consequences and we are not always conscious of how much we affect the others. There is always at least two sides in a situation.

      You don´t show respect for the family of the man you loved, or any of the families of these men, you don´t show respect for their roots, you talk convinced that just for the fact of living in a country 20 years they should adapt in all senses and forget about their roots, could be possible but difficult and not very healthy to give up completely your background, give them the time they need to adapt, their children are paying the toll of this lack of adaptation, as you have said, but the parents are suffering too, because they don´t know how to do it better, they have learnt from their parents and they are acting according with what they consider the best, what they have learnt is the best, they must be confused, guilty, worried and in pain, the acts shows to them they have done something wrong, but who is the perfect one here? acknowledging their suffering, will make us closer to them, will make the transition easier for everyone, instead of making more emotional and mental obstacles we should create bridges of understanding and closeness, this will help them to break barriers, God´s willing.

      Babies like Al´s baby will be walking crossing those bridges, I haven´t seen a grandparent not melting for their grandchildren, their instant love is beyond any logic, and when they see the child is growing with love and respect towards them, this will make it easier, and they will learn to respect and look to others in other way too, we all need to learn what we don´t know, we need to learn to live together, to share, to respect, to understand and accept we are all different and that doesn´t mean we are enemies or other specie that we cannot mixed with, but something so transparent for you and me, maybe something to discover and to learn for others. This will come with time and I am afraid some suffering too. More people talk about it inside the respect, more open will be the situation to be changed to move into real actions, God´s willing, but as you said again at least, one generation will have to sacrifice ( or maybe not),until we learn to live together, accepting, respecting each other.

      Begining for respecting the others is a good step and being humble enough to recognize when our acts are causing suffering to others is other good step, too.

      If you want to help the man you love instead of feeling pity for him and see him as a puppet, see him as the man that gained your Heart, a good, soft hearted man plenty of qualities that has all your respect despite the situation he is living in, if you love him as you said, instead of those negative feelings you have towards him, you should acknowledge his strength to create a new situation, to soften the Heart of his parents and to be able to teach the others what is really important, where is your faith? To be the woman that deserves to be with him you should support him, mentally, emotionally, spiritualy, this is a test and you are being tested the same than al. Both of you have the opposite approach to the situation, you don´t need to be pregnant to be for him the way, al is for him, you can choose to be for him as I told you or better, sure you have good ideas, you can give it a try or just forget about it.

      You can make a difference, but I believe the difference won´t come going to Oprah and giving shame on people that is only guilty of coming out of their countries and try to give a better life for their children, this is not fare, and you should put in these people shoes before talking the way you have done.

      Look at this from different perspectives there are many ways can be taken to help them and ourselves to adapt and accept one to the others. God´s willing.

      All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      If you think about a nuclear family, sometimes is very difficult, see a country as a family, we don´t have so many problems if you think of the magnitude of our family in the world. Thank God.

  9. Btw im so sorry for your situation. I dont mean to discount your pain. I know how it is. My heart has literally burned & is literally broken. I can only imagine how you feel. You can get through this. Keep talking it out. I wish these boys would have thought about that family's 'honor' when they were out messing around. Falling in love is not wrong. You were not wrong to fall in love. He is very lucky to have met someone like you. Very very lucky.

    • Choice 1, they are living between two worlds, let´s help them to do the step no to be broken as many of them are already, let´s help to save the lives of those that want to kill themselves, you have said it they are in the middle between their parents and the next generation, let´s help them to get it, I don´t want nor even one of these young men on my conscioussness, don´t put more negative thoughts or words out there, we know what the problem is, let´s look for solutions all together. We can do it, insha´Allah. All this energy of dissapointment must be gathered and transmuted into positive feelings, thoughts, words and acts, insha´Allah. Are you with me in this?

      From Heart to Heart,

      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

  10. Whats wrong is to act like there is something wrong with love and to force your children to be with someone they arent even attracted to physically OR emotionally...forcing them to live miserably...look at how unhappy most of these people are. I see it ALL of the time. So dont let the brother tell you it is wrong to love.

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Choice 1,

      My duty is to give the best advice. It is for the questioner to read and accept or reject.

      I read your posts here and on other pages. Your situation and the situation of the sister here are enough proof of what I wrote above.

      I quote again:

      I may sound harsh, but this "love" before marriage has ruined so many lives and it has done more harm to people than good, it is really bad, it is worst and it is hell, as you are going through hell right now. When Muslims who are practising try to explain this to the west, they say: O! I am in heaven, love is amazing, how can you know what is love? have you loved someone and all sorts of such words thrown at and they say you can't marry someone until you sleep with them, well hard fact but true that not all but many Western guys and girls sleep with each other as if they are taking test drives before buying a car. This is the hard fact of the Western culture today and unfortunately this infection, this disease is growing among Muslims as well. May Allah gaurd us from all evil traps laid by Shaytaan at every step we walk. We seek His refuge.

      You have right to give your opinion and I have right to give mine. You saw her canse and your case and almost all cases on this website of unmarried people are about love and how disturbing it is.

      If you want to fall in love, you may "fall" as many times as you like and hurt yourself. For me it's a complete no.

      And those who suffer in their married life suffer not because they were married to someone they did not love, they suffer because the foundations of Islam are lacking.

      Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Khadija without dating and falling in love like we people urge so many youngsters to, but see the level of her commitment.

      I just admire and respect this couple so so much and want something similar for myself Insha Allah, someone like our mother Khadija and our mother Aisha.

      Look at the married life of the Prophet. It is not that the women were perfect, it was because the foundations of Islam were there in their hearts.

      If I fear Allah a lot and do good, Insha Allah, my wife would be happy and if she would fear Allah alot and do good, Insha Allah I would be happy.

      The cause of unhappiness in marriage is weak foundations of Islam within the self. Lack of commitment towards Allah causes one to have lack of commitment towards the spouse and the family.

      So love before marriage, meaning : the romantic love, is absolutely a pack of desires arising out of looking at a person's beauty and characteristics and "want" to be with him and it is not something good at all. This is my personal opinion and I stand by it completely.

      And it is not my tounge or mind which says so. If you read the Qur'an, think deeply about it and how the nature of a believer and his actions should be, Insha Allah you would find that the Prophets and the women whom Allah has praised in the Qur'an were not romantic lovers before marriage.

      As far as marriage goes, I firmly believe if it is in my destiny Allah Himself will reveal the right person at the right time Insha Allah and I would be quick to marry, without delay of engagements and other cultural stuff.

      Just some minutes back when I was going to pray magrib, on the way to the Masjid, I saw a water pipe and something struck my mind. I felt when we drink water, bath, clean vessels, we do not realize from how much distance this water has come to us travelling in this pipe, when it must have been rained, how much did Allah rain it and how easy He made its way to our home that from far off somewhere it reaches us. Same about the food we eat, we do not know in which farm on which date did the grains sprout, but we have the food reaching us from far off unknown places. Similarly, our clothing, we do not know where the cotton was produced in which farm, and how much time it took, but we have processed clothes on our body.

      So if Allah can provide us for all such things from unknown places and make us reach them at their right time as per our need, why should He not make our spouse reach us at the right time?

      Praise be to Allah. If we keep our duty to Him and ward off evil, Insha Allah we will have a similar spouse and if none in this dunya than Insha Allah in aakhirah, in Jannah. Praise be to Allah.

      This is my view sister, personal view and it is for anyone who choses to believe and obey and whosoever does not like it or accept it, it is their choice. I cannot compell anyone to believe anything.

      May allah guide us all and save our souls from lust and make us Fear Him with the right with which He should be Feared.

      Astagfirullaah. Innallaaha ghafurur raheem.

      Salaam.

      * * *
      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  11. Its not love that has ruined anything its the parents lack
    Of understanding and accepting of the situation. Wow Maria M you have really opened my eyes. I'm moved. I guess I'm just so hurt. I've been compassionate, angry, bitter, back to compassionate, etc. I think it's an excellent thing to raise awareness. And maybe 'Oprah' is not a channel for bringing shame bit a way to educate people. I think of Martin Luther King when I think of all of this and the wonderful things he did to raise awareness and to educate people. How do I get through this? I'm so confused. I think it's easy to think of this boy as a hyprocite but from your perspective....he is just torn. He is miserable. He cries a lot. He has family after him...then me too. Where do I find the strength? I am obviously not a Muslim but I Catholic. I think we have a lot of similarities. In fact, my guy was born and raised in the US & went to Catholic schools. When I meet people like Maria & him, I love Islam more and more. I want to learn more. He ha given up the 'fight' with his parents but maybe I need to be on board with why. This is SO hard. I can only imagine Al's pain & she reminds me of me in many ways. What are my next steps? What do I do? And I'm sorry brother but love does come first here and it will never go away. Like any Muslim woman from Pakistan woukd do for him, I would do the same. Maybe in all of confusion I've lost sight of that?? You hear soany horror stories and it's easy for me to jump to conclusions about his intensions. How do I stay positive?

    • Peace Sister Choice 1,

      I was unaware of your religion and I thought it was Islam. So I gave some advice on "love" before marriage it's ill effects thinking of you as a God fearing Muslim.

      Even we Muslims, a lot of us take many years to understand that "love" before marriage is not a good deed. We keep on suffering and yet we do not realize that it is due to our own actions that we are being repaid what we have earned.

      You may choose a way as you like. As for me I am sick of this concept of "love" and the deceptions and betrayals and dumping and cheating and playing of emotions and playing of bodies and all the evil involved in it.

      The best is marriage. The starting point of love. A bond acceptable to God. Where in man is laid with responsibility and woman is laid with responsibility and they are not like love, fun, enjoy, pack up or break up, they are responsible towards ALLAH, first and foremost, then towards themselves, then towards each other, then towards the families, then towards the society and then towards mankind at large. Marriage in Islam is a union of two souls living together with a common objective: To fulfil the purpose of their Lord the Most High. This is what Islam says and this is what I would always stick to. Insha Allah.

      Islam is built upon on the highest level of principles related to purity of soul and body to strive and seek the pleasure of Allah, Our Creator and this can only be achieved by living life as He wills and not upon desires, guess work and limited human knowledge.

      109. Is he who founded his building upon duty to Allah and His good pleasure better; or he who founded his building on the brink of a crumbling, overhanging precipice so that it toppled with him into the fire of hell? Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. - Surah At Tauba.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

      • We forgot about Al & how she is doing??? How are you? Commitment is commitment regardless how it starts & we should all take it more seriously. The parties involved should be able to agree on the commitment & they shouldnt be forced for or against each other.

    • Peace be with you, Choice 1,

      May Allah(swt) may me worth of your trust and guide us to do what is meant to be done to help all the people involved in this kind of situations, insha´Allah.

      Thank you very much for listening and appreciating my words.

      This is the woman I wanted to see, let´s find solutions, I am not saying we will solve the problem in the blink of an eye, the only One that can do it is Our Lord (swt). You said where do I find the strength? You are Catholic, you believe in God above everyone, He(swt) is your strength, in Him(swt) lies all the answers to all the questions, Thanks to Him(swt).

      When I look to your post, I see who you really are, a shining wonderful human being, that by circumstances is covered by trembling clouds of pain, confusion and fear. I would like you to bring Light to all these clouds that surrounds you, the way to do it is prayer and everytime a doubt comes to your mind, I want you to stick harder to your prayers, I will always send you to God(swt) in all circumstances, I would want you to get ready for the best appointment you will have in your Life, In the Name of God, have a shower where you will consciously clean yourself from all the guilt, fear, confusion, pain you feel, get dressed nicely, put yourself pretty( I am sure you are already), and I would ask you to go to a place in your house, where you can be by yourself for a while where you can be with Him(swt) conscious of what you are doing, and In the Name of God, you begin a conversation with Him(swt), bend your knees and pray, pray convinced He(swt) listens every single word you are saying, pray convinced that He(swt) is looking at you, pray convinced He(swt) was waiting for you to come, pray convinced that He(swt) will comfort your Heart and will heal your wounds, God´s willing. You need to go back to your roots, and that root is God.

      Once you have done this, you won´t ever feel the same again, you will recover your connection to Him(swt), God´s willing. At his time, you will be ready to know which is the next step.

      Catholic etiquette enfathises the importance to keep chaste until marriage, a muslim should remain chaste until they married. Now that we are doing the straight way, let´s do it right. Not physical contact until marriage. Here it comes, I love you and I respect you, in both directions, let´s do it the right way, and with this comes, I love and respect myself, my roots and overall My Lord(swt).

      I want you with a cold head and a warm Heart, let´s get ready for the next step.

      I have to go now, I will be back to you, God´s willing.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • (swa) Subhanahu wa-ta'ala means may He be glorified and exalted.

      • I was Roman Catholic, I revert. When someone asked me do you believe in one God, I said yes, do you believe Jesus is God, I said no, do you believe Muhammad was God´s Messenger, I said yes, ... this was before even read anything about Islam. I will talk later to you, God´s willing.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com

        • Subhaan Allah Sister Maria,

          Islam really is in your breathe, thoughts, words, you reflect it Masha Allah.

          I am surprised, Alhamdulillaah, Allahu akbar. I am left speechless by your revelation.

          Subhaan Allah. Alhamdulillaah.

          Allah must be having infinite mercy on you, am sure, Masha Allah.

          Wow ! I never felt for a second that you could be Roman Catholic by back ground and yet look at your posts, Alhamdulillaah, there have not been moments in my life when I have been speechless.

          This is that time. I can only Glorify Allah. May Allah always keep you in His mercy.

          Salaam...

    • I understand your bitterness. There are many times when I have felt it too. The way I look at it is this. We can't expect everyone to come and see the world from our own point of view. For bridges to be built across cultures we have to be reaching to see the opposite point of view from our own. Easier said than done when you are in so much pain. But these matters are so complicated there can be no black and white answer. We are all shades of grey. Cling to your self-belief. Don't compromise your self-respect. Your thoughts/feelings/ideals are just as important as theirs. But to gain respect you must give it. What I have realised is that we all have choices to make. Today I am choosing to stand tall, smile and be grateful for what I have. Tomorrow I may crumble but hopefully I 'll choose to stand tall again. Stay positive by making positive choices for yourself xx

  12. I was searching for a problem of mine, and happen to reas this post. Dear Al, there is nothing that we can do. The guy you love might be the best guy, but if he's not standing up for you than its time you should think about your childs future, rather than wanting his family to understand. He should be responsible enough to solve this issue to his family. If he cant do it now, he wont be there for you in future too. May be he is unaware of his 'responsibility'. You should try to wake him up! ask him to find a islamic way, take some family adult in confidence who can talk to his parents, or may be some Aalim (scholar) to find a middle way. If he thinks he can not talk to his parents, he should ask someone else to do the part. You are strong, but I am finding him weak here. He should take stand for you.

    I am not talking here about whats right and whats wrong. I am just trying to help here. If Islam doesn't allow a muslim to do such thing, then it doesn't stop him to correct it too. A problem has been arised, it should be solved now. Leaving the girl and her child to fight alone with the world is not a solution.

  13. ...... What a mess ....First of all may Allah help you both

    I will be strict on this matter . Your boyfriend being a muslim committed a big SIN . YOU BOTH MUST BEG GOD FOR FORGIVENESS .

    Coming back to the point ,he got you pregnant out of wedlock . I don't understand . Your boyfriend had enough guts to start a relationship with a woman and now he has become a wuss in front of this parents .

    He needs to man up and face his responsibility . He should have known that there is absolutely no 100% way in which fertilization could be avoided . When you both were sleeping together , you should have thought about the consequences .

    Whatever he says , he can't deny the fact that he is the father and he needs to come forward and be responsible . He is 25 for God's sake . I was working , studying , living alone since I was 18 .

    His parents argument is very weak . Despite the fact that you both committed huge sin, you need to move forward , you both need to think about the child . It's better for you to MARRY as soon as possible .

    His parents must understand that their son is equally responsible in bringing the child to the world .

    Regarding your conversion to islam . Advices given by brother munib and Maria M are really good .

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    • Assalamu alaykum Soul,

      I read your other posts, you words straight to the point, Masha Allah, I appreciate this habit and Allah too loves this from Muslims.

      But just a small request be a little: Polite. Insha Allah, then your answers will be perfect.

      Allah also reminds this to the Prophet (Salallahu alayhi wasallam) in Surah Al Imran:

      159. It was by the mercy of Allah that thou wast lenient with them (O Muhammad), for if thou hadst been stern and fierce of heart they would have dispersed from round about thee. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult with them upon the conduct of affairs. And when thou art resolved, then put thy trust in Allah. Lo! Allah loveth those who put their trust (in Him).

      Salaam.

      * * *
      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  14. This time being in hospital and recovering at home has not been pleasant, but I am grateful for it as it has given me time both with my own thoughts and time to consider some of the helpful things that have been posted on this site. I have come to realise that I too have been to blame for putting pressure on my partner to 'do the right thing' and that will not have been helping him through this situation. For that I feel very guilty for adding to the weight on his shoulders. I agree with what has been said about him being weak at the moment. I do think he is taking a cowards way out. I admire his faith and respect the fact that he says it's in gods hands now. But on the other hand it feels like he is saying that because it means it excuses him from making any decisions. What I have realised is that in itself is a choice. He is choosing to do nothing. And that silence speaks volumes. I do love him. I do respect him. I do want to be with him. But only if he loves, respects and wants to be with me. By forcing his hand I will never know his true feelings. Never know what is truly in his heart. And never know his own will. If he doesn't have it in him to stand up and be counted now, he never will.

    If he doesn't come to the conclusion and make the choice to be with me himself I will always feel like I'm just not good enough for him. It pains me to say it, but I think if we have any chance of making this work I have to let him go. He has to be free to choose me. If he doesn't I have my answer. I've been so caught up in trying to fight for him, for us, for our child that I've lost sight of the fact that to make that home I've been fighting for work you need at the core of it two people who genuinely want to be together. Parenting must be challenging enough without trying to battle against your partner at the same time. If he wants me I will love him with all my heart, but I need the same in return.

    It's very difficult to realise that he can be this unreliable. I've always thought of him as my rock, at the moment it feels like he is grains of sand slipping from under me giving me no support. But god knows I'm not perfect either. And I know he would have words to say about how I have behaved towards him. I pray we come to a point where we forgive one another our misdoings and find a path to a happy future. If not, I have one very special person on his way to love and nurture and nurish. That brings me joy. And I refuse to look on this situation as a crisis anymore. I have been blessed with a life and for that I must celebrate and give thanks.

    As far as religion goes I am still very confused. I do have a faith, but I have never been able to find a particular faith that I 'agree' with. I have my own personal special relationship with god and I have never been comfortable putting a label on that. I find that all to quickly mankind will use gods words to serve their own purpose, to control others to their own end. We just have to look at the many wars waged by man over religion that more often than not are actually about power, control and greeed ... not god. My partner has taught me many beautiful things about Islam that warm my heart and that I admire. But then I see it used in cruelty against him by his family and it makes me back away. But maybe thats back to my point of putting religion into the hands of man with his own desires and motives. So I still feel open to learning more.

    As far as his family are concerned at the moment I feel sorry for them. They claim to be so very close and yet they do not know each other properly as they can never truly speak honestly for fear of being judged. That must be a very unhappy way to live. I pray for his parents that they never fall from the high pedastals they place themselves atop of. To be so pias and proud leaves a long way to fall. And maybe thats what part of their reaction is about. They allowed him to stay at my house every week, they allowed us to go on holiday together. His Mum has admitted that she thought we would be having sex. Perhaps part of their anger at him is also guilt and anger at themselves that they allowed something they disaprove of so heavily.

    As for me, I know this will be highly controversial for some of you to read, but I don't feel like I have sinned by sleeping with my partner. I think promiscuous sex is very wrong. I do not condone that. But to be intimate with someone you love in a long and caring relationship is an expression of that love. I didn't break my personal code of conduct. And to be totally honest I had no idea that it was such a taboo with him or his family. He had been in a long-term sexual relationship prior to me, so I really hadn't realised it was such a big sin. Which clearly for his religion/culture it is. For that I am sad for the pain that others are going through because of our actions. And for that I do repent.

    I don't now what to make of the future now. Or what heart-ache or heart-joy will come my way. But I have to focus on my health and the many blessings I have in my life at the moment. I don't care what anyone says I am going to celebrate this baby!

    Thankyou all for your kind and wise words. Reading them and having a place to write down everything I am feeling is so very helpful. You have a special forum here.

    • Assalamu alaykum Al,

      Glad to see your words again. May Allah guide you, if He wills.

      As for now, your having sex with him and no regrets is no controversy for us or for anyone else.

      It is your choice.

      If you realize that your God is One and He has strictly commanded to be chaste before marriage and not have sex and you did it and are not feeling bad about it. I doubt that would be an action pleasing to God, if it is in Him that you believe.

      When you break a traffic signal, the cops fine you. When you over stay in a country, they deport you. You broke His law and got a small punishment. Similarly, His law does not change for anyone.

      If you realize that Your God, He commanded something and you transgressed and you feel remorse and you feel to turn to Him repentant, it would be for your own good and you would see a way ahead and know what more He wants you to do, for your own good life.

      Allah wants you to turn to Him, so utilize this oppurtunity:

      21. And verily We make them taste the lower punishment before the greater, that haply they may return. - Surah Sajdaa.

      God does not benefit or loss by your having or not having sex without marriage. It is you who save yourself from unneccessary problems like this and give your time and attention to a positive life to fulfil the purpose for which He created you: To Worship Him and to know that There is only One God and He exercises Universal power and there is none else who controls the Creation but He.

      My advice was and still is : Turn to Allah. Turn to your Creator and Seek His guidance if you want to see a way ahead and if you do not do so, you will wander blindly on your own contumacy. The choice is yours sister. You have both the ways in front of you. One if of no remorse and the other of repentance. Choose a way for your own good sister.

      I end my word with a beautiful Surah of the Qur'an:

      Surah 84. Al-Inshiqaq
      1. When the heaven is split asunder
      2. And attentive to her Lord in fear,
      3. And when the earth is spread out
      4. And hath cast out all that was in her, and is empty
      5. And attentive to her Lord in fear!
      6. Thou, verily, O man, art working toward thy Lord a work which thou wilt meet (in His presence).
      7. Then whoso is given his account in his right hand
      8. He truly will receive an easy reckoning
      9. And will return unto his folk in joy.
      10. But whoso is given his account behind his back,
      11. He surely will invoke destruction
      12. And be thrown to scorching fire.
      13. He verily lived joyous with his folk,
      14. He verily deemed that he would never return (unto Allah).
      15. Nay, but lo! his Lord is ever looking on him!
      16. Oh, I swear by the afterglow of sunset,
      17. And by the night and all that it enshroudeth,
      18. And by the moon when she is at the full,
      19. That ye shall journey on from plane to plane.
      20. What aileth them, then, that they believe not
      21. And, when the Qur’an is recited unto them, worship not (Allah)?
      22. Nay, but those who disbelieve will deny;
      23. And Allah knoweth best what they are hiding.
      24. So give them tidings of a painful doom,
      25. Save those who believe and do good works, for theirs is a reward unfailing.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

    • Thank you very much for sharing and trusting us, Alhamdulillah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. Very well said. Maybe he can't choose right now. But time will tell. Let nature take its course. Either way you van heal. At least you habe freedom to be yourself and make your own choices. He must be miserable. Its not like this is a cake walk for him either. I can only imagine the relentless pressure and emotional blackmail that must be placed upon him. My guy is going through the same thing..'you took away all of our happiness'...'you will never see us again until the day we die'....'if we get sick it will be your fault'....'look at this mess yiu have caused'....etc.....its emotional and mental abuse and his vulnerable heart is going to go with them and try to prove it all wrong. He is a weak coward...but how did they get that way? How sad how torn they must be. And guys show their emotions in different ways. His silence (if thats what he is doing) doesnt mean that he hasnt choosen you. Maybe in his heart he has. But these families are ruthless. They have a hold on him. Blood is thicker than water. Poor guy to have to live like that. It reminds me of a meek woman who had been battered by her husband and has no self worth or esteem because she has been broken down so many times and told many hateful things about herself she starts to believe them. Its so sad. Look at this sight alone...and there are so many others...look at how many people are in turmoil and unhappy because of this family honor or whatever it is thing. You cant even blame it on culture or religion...its just a really different way of thinking. Its such a clash of Western vs South Asian culture...but I am proud of the Western way...we have freedom....we have choices....thats what makes us to great and not third world...thats why they want to come to our countries....but I guess as Maria M has stated...it may come with some suffering...we all have to work through this and figure out a way to overcome this....theres nothing wrong with you and I wish the family would accept it just lime we accept them for who they are.

  16. Al, love, I understand how this situation can be overwhelming. I can’t help you with faith issues, I am Catholic myself but I work with many women in the community who go through similar situations. The key to getting through it all is to ‘prioritize’ and do ‘one thing’ at a time. All your ‘multi-tasking’ stops right after you know you are pregnant.

    1. Focus on yourself, you are your priority: Always remember, you are the only one whose outcome you can control, so focus on yourself. And you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot help your boyfriend, and you certainly cannot help him with his family. You trying to get involve is only going to make things difficult for you and for him. The only person you can help here is you and your primary concern should be your health and a safe pregnancy. That essentially means:

    - Diet: eat fresh, eat healthy, reduce your meat consumption substitute it with fish, no frozen or canned food

    - No alcohol: I don’t care what the doctors say, no alcohol! Not even a sip for 9 months!

    - No smoking: This includes second hand smoke; avoid smog too.

    - No drugs: No cocaine, no LSD, no crack, you know the rest I’m only mentioning the ones from my days.

    - Sleep: Minimum 7+ hours of goodnight sleep. There will be no sleeping after the baby.

    - Exercises: Join a 'free yoga in the park' club. It is relaxing and, more importantly, it’ll help you manage stress. Ideally, you should be stress-free during pregnancy but that’s impossible given that we are women.

    - Doctor: Last, but not the least, get a family doctor, if you don’t already have one. Don’t settle with just anyone, get one that you would be comfortable with. Change a few if that’s what it takes. You are going to have a relationship with your doctor, so choose wisely. I go with one that has a good breath and soft hands.

    Bottom line is, your first priority is you. Focus on yourself and forget about the rest.

    2. Build your support network: What worry me is that you didn’t mention anything about discussing this with your parents in your post or in your comments. Have you shared this good news with your parents? Have you shared it with your trusted friends? Or siblings? It is very important to include them in this joyous moment. They are part of your support network. Talk about your feelings and concerns among your support network, talk to as many trusted friends and family member as you possibly can. Their advice may not be important but the fact that you shared yourself is. You’ll find your stress more manageable this way. However, if you still find it difficult to manage your stress, than get an appointment with a counselor. May that be your school counselor, community counselor, mosque counselor, church counselor or a counselor at your local hospital. Try multiple counselors at a time and see who feel more right for you and have weekly or monthly meetings with him/her. The advice you get will vary from bad to great and again may not be important but you’ll find yourself more relaxed when talk about your concerns. You can also post it here; we are all rooting for you!

    I know you would like your boyfriend and his family to be part of your support network but you have to realize that this is beyond your control. They will make an independent decision and only your boyfriend can influence that. He will have to step up and as a young man speak his mind. Though it may be difficult considering his emotional state of mind and the pressure he may be under but he will have to convince his parents that he can be a good son as well as a father. You should encourage him to speak to them and to overcome his shame.

    Though it may be a difficult subject but you need a financial commitment from your boyfriend. It is important that you not take this all upon yourself because you’ll have plenty to do. So a financial commitment must come from him. If not, you should consider legal means to get child support from him. There is no harm in it; you have to put the child’s benefit first and this is the right thing to do.

    3. Be Gentle, but be firm: The way to deal with your boyfriend and his family is by being gentle to their feelings and legitimate concerns but at the same time be firm to assert where you believe you are right. For example, you did the right thing by informing his family and you are doing the right thing by keeping the child, religiously and morally. Now it is understandable that you may feel anxious, doubtful, conflicted and even lost at times but you have to remember, what happened between you two was consensual. No one is to be blamed here and neither you nor your boyfriend should be ashamed of it. And, Sweetheart, you don’t have to apologize to anyone. It is your body and you should not be told what to do with it. The decision is yours; you are the one in control.

    For your own sanity, limit your interaction with his family, for now, but not with him. You should be able to express your concerns to him. Since it is a shock to his family, it will take time to sink in the situation and cooler heads with prevail. Again, nothing you do will change the outcome. So keep your sanity intact and focus on yourself and building a support network.

    And turn up the volume when you laugh, it’s good for pregnancy too.

    God bless you and keep up posted!

    p.s. I'll pray for you and I wish I can hug you and tell you that it will all be okay. 🙂

  17. Al ,

    I won't judge you by any means . The thing is that , I can't blame you . You are not muslim and it's your right to do anything that you want .

    Coming back to your boyfriend . You said "He had been in a long-term sexual relationship prior to me, so I really hadn't realised it was such a big sin. Which clearly for his religion/culture it is. For that I am sad for the pain that others are going through because of our actions. And for that I do repent."

    I can easily catch the glimpse of your boyfriend's character . He already had slept with other woman . A good , practicing muslims would never come near to this sin . Not only he was deceiving his parents but most importantly he was deceiving ALLAH and himself .Does he even know the punishment of committing such acts ?

    You may think that I am radical in my approach but the truth is that he clearly has hypocritical attitude . He has slept with different women and now he is afraid to man up and accept the responsibility . He should come forward and take you as a wife . If he was so afraid to face his parents , then he shouldn't have indulged in promiscuous behavior

    Nobody is against love and affection but sex before marriage is sinful . Just forget about islam for a moment . Let's see what Christianity says about pre-marital sex

    Let's look at some verses

    1 Corinthians 6:9-10 warns us, "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God."

    And 1 Corinthians 6:13b, 18 tells us, "Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without (outside) the body; but he that commiteth fornication sinneth against his own body."

    The Bible is telling us that pre-marital sex is a sin and that it is something that unrighteous people engage in.

    We are warned to learn from the examples of the Israelites, who God judged because of their sinful ways. 1 Corinthians 10:6-8 reads, "Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted. Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play. Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand."

    And Galatians 5:19-21 reads, "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these, adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness ... of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God."

    Again, we see that pre-marital sex is not something that bible wants us involved with. Bible clearly is asking Christians to stay away from pre-marital sex :

    1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel (body) in sanctification and honor, not in lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which do not know God."

    Ephesians 5:1-3, 5, "Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; and walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given Himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savor. But fornication, and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not once be named among you, as becometh saints...For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God."

    Revelation 21:7-8, "He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be My son. But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death."

    All of these verses clearly show us that Bible is 100 percent against pre-marital sex and that Bible commands Christians to not take part in pre-marital sex. It doesn't matter what all of your friends are doing or what you see in movies or videos or even what unmarried people who live in your own house are doing. Bible's Word has not changed. Bible today and has always been against His children participating in pre-marital sex! Bible wants Christians to have sexual relations with our husband or wife only. 1 Corinthians 7:2 reads "To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."

    Bible's commands are not always easy to follow. Being an obedient child in this area requires you to see this sin the way Bible sees it. You cannot think of sex as just something exciting and fun to do. You must learn to treasure and respect your body as something that is beautiful and special, a work of art that is only to be shared with one person under Bible's conditions.

    You must go to God in prayer and ask for the strength you need to not give in to the temptations of the flesh. You will need to make it a point to not put yourself in situations where you are likely to stumble. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, you will be able to resist the temptation to take part in pre-marital sex.

    2 Peter 2:9 tells us, "The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptation, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished."

    So if you truly are a born-again follower of Christ, do as we read in Colossians 3:1-3,5: "If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. Mortify (restrain) your members which are upon the earth: fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry."

    Bible wants us to live for your God(Jesus) in the way that He told us Christians should.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I have listed the truth . It's now your personal decision to accept it or not . It's a good thing that you have repented but now it's your choice to follow the same path or be different . Good luck for you future

    • Assalamu alaykum Soul,

      You should not use the Bible to show any Christian and make a point by it. They are already aware of their and yet a majority is into sins of sex without marriage.

      Many Muslims have the Qur'an and yet we see the guy here with a past of sleeping with other women.

      Do not try by quoting from Bible, I tried it consistently for an year in 2009, yet it did not work and when I turned to Qur'an and spoke of it, I found stunned faces and silent listeners. So take up Qur'an for Dawah and Islaah.

      Here I see the responses of Christian sisters : And there is so much of "you can do it", "you", "you", "you" in it. And hardly any mention of Allah and HIs infinite Power to Help and what HE can do. This is the difference between a surrendered and an independent human being.

      We cannot compell anyone to believe. We can only warn those who fear Allah and we only need to warn people in plain terms by the Qur'an and only the Qur'an and our Prophet (salallaahu alayhi wasallam) never used any Scripture like the Torah or Gospel to convey the Message of Allah to reason the People of Scripture.

      He warned by the Qur'an and this is what Allah commanded to Him in Surah Qaf:

      45. We are best aware of what they say, and thou (O Muhammad) art in no wise a compeller over them. But warn by the Qur’an him who feareth My threat.

      Allah reveals in Surah Kahf:
      56. We send not the messengers save as bearers of good news and warners. Those who disbelieve contend with falsehood in order to refute the Truth thereby. And they take Our revelations and that wherewith they are threatened as a jest.
      57. And who doth greater wrong than he who hath been reminded of the revelations of his Lord, yet turneth away from them and forgetteth what his hands send forward (to the Judgment)? Lo! on their hearts We have placed coverings so that they understand not, and in their ears a deafness. And though thou call them to the guidance, in that case they can never be led aright.
      58. Thy Lord is the Forgiver, Full of Mercy. If He took them to task (now) for what they earn, He would hasten on the Doom for them; but their is an appointed term from which they will find no escape.

      May Allah make all Muslims "Surrender" to Him and rely on Him alone and make us firm believers in our Lord. Insha Allah. Ameen.

      Allah will guide whom He wills and He will send astray whom He wills. May Allah have Mercy for He is the Best of all who show Mercy.

      May Allah save us from the Fire and make us enter Paradise.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  18. I knew that comment would cause some controversy. I should have kept it to myself. Apologies.

    • No controversy Al.

      We are only conveying the: Islamic Answers as this website is : islamicanswers.com and the answers should be based with an Islamic thought, Islamic principles and belief system.

      So, we are just delivering the Message of God, trying to bring people to His Path by His Permission.

  19. Brother when we say 'you' can do it...it's automatically assumed that God/Allah is by our side. We never walk alone we always have our higher power watching over us. We don't have to remind everyone. It's inherent to our being, it's a part of who we are. It is what gives us the open heart,, strength, kindness, open mind and hope to date these boys in the first place and love them free from judgement...and knowing of the possibilities that we will not be accepted & judged. We put our hearts on the line & show compassion when we can. Yes there is confusion and hurt...but that glimpse of hope will never go away...its a glimpse from God. It's intimate.

    Al I agree with you about bring with someone you love.

    • Assalaamu alaykum Choice 1,

      My answer to you is the fairest of statments:

      19. Lo! they can avail thee naught against Allah. And lo! as for the wrong doers, some of them are friends of others; and Allah is the Friend of those who ward off (evil).
      20. This is clear indication for mankind, and a guidance and a mercy for a folk whose faith is sure.
      21. Or do those who commit ill deeds suppose that We shall make them as those who believe and do good works, the same life and death? Bad is their judgment!
      22. And Allah hath created the heavens and the earth with truth, and that every soul may be repaid what it hath earned. And they will not be wronged.
      23. Hast thou seen him who maketh his desire his god, and Allah sendeth him astray purposely, and sealeth up his hearing and his heart, and setteth on his sight a covering? Then who will lead him after Allah (hath condemned him)? Will ye not then heed?

      You follow your "desires" which are far away from Truth. May sound bitter. But the truth is these are your vain desires, Verily Allah would not enjoin any Lewdness (dating + "loving" boys) with a "love" which leads in to troubles like what we have here from the questioner and from many other people.

      Now you may date and love boys free from judgment, but who will save you on the Day when the account is cast open?

      You say the glimpse is from God? Nay ! But is the Devil always stirring up desires in you.

      I have warned you, if you ward off evil, it is for your own good, if you follow your desires, your case is with Allah and I am not a compeller in any matter.

      I end with a Surah of the Qur'an which describes the scene after the Judgment on the Day of Judgment is delivered. The very scene would make a God fearing heart run towards Him seeking His Mercy.

      Surah 88. Al-Gashiya

      1. Hath there come unto thee tidings of the Overwhelming?
      2. On that day (many) faces will be downcast,
      3. Toiling, weary,
      4. Scorched by burning fire,
      5. Drinking from a boiling spring,
      6. No food for them save bitter thorn fruit
      7. Which doth not nourish nor release from hunger.
      8. In that day other faces will be calm,
      9. Glad for their effort past,
      10. In a high garden
      11. Where they hear no idle speech,
      12. Wherein is a gushing spring,
      13. Wherein are couches raised
      14. And goblets set at hand
      15. And cushions ranged
      16. And silken carts spread
      17. Will they not regard the camels, how they are created?
      18. And the heaven, how it is railed?
      19. And the hills, how they are set up?
      20. And the earth, how it is spread?
      21. Remind them, for thou art but a remembrancer,
      22. Thou art not at all a warder over them.
      23. But whoso is averse and disbelieveth,
      24. Allah will punish him with direst punishment.
      25. Lo! unto Us is their return
      26. And Ours their reckoning.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  20. Im sorry but we see things differently. You can interpret your versus how ever you like. You have officially offended me with your statements about the devil.

    Al, can you please keep us updated? How are you? Hopefully in weeks/months time we will have more and more good news.

    • Peace be unto you Sister,

      Of course, when someone says something about us which is not our praise, most times it tends to cause small or big hurt. Espcecially to women.

      I do not regret anything, because I spoke the Truth as God revealed in His Book and with time you shall come to know. If Allah wills.

      Yes, if I had made any remarks based on my personal opinion, I would have been sorry for hurting any sentiments.

      I am unable to compromise with Truth. Yes, other than that for any of my personal opinions in previous posts, if they did cause any slightest bit of hurt in you, for them I am sorry and I hope you will forgive.

      But for the words about Devil. I stand by what I said, that the Satan, the Devil stirs up "desires" in the heart which you call love.

      My words are further Strengthened by the revelations of One God, Our God, God of all makind, in Surah Al A'raf:

      27. O Children of Adam! Let not Satan seduce you as he caused your (first) parents to go forth from the Garden and tore off from them their robe (of innocence) that be might manifest their shame to them. Lo! he seeth you, he and his tribe, from whence ye see him not. Lo! We have made the devils protecting friends for those who believe not.
      28. And when they do some lewdness they say: We found our fathers doing it and Allah hath enjoined it on us. Say: Allah, verily, enjoineth not lewdness. Tell ye concerning Allah that which ye know not?
      29. Say: My Lord enjoineth justice. And set your faces, upright (toward Him) at every place of worship and call upon Him, making religion pure for Him (only). As He brought you into being, so return ye (unto Him).

      God warns in clear language, let not the Devil seduce you and make you lose the Paradise which you would gain by obeying Allah. Just as our first parents Adam and Eve we were tempted by the devil to rebel to Allah and they were caused to go out of the Garden. So let not the devil do it with you.

      This Qur'an is a clear indication for all mankind and an exposition of all things for him who wants to ward off evil and seeks a Clear way of approach to His Lord.

      Salaam.

      * * *
      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  21. You are right brotherrMuniib I came to an islamic site because I want to be able to see things from my partners and his familys point of view. I respect your views.

    As for my partners character, he has never been in a position where he has been allowed to make his own decisions. Everything has been governed by his parents. This fork in the road ahead of him must be very daunting and he has never been given or taken responsibility in his life for mundane things. So to have this overwhelming choice infront of him must be very difficult. I think his character will be determined by which path he chooses at this juncture in his life and his reasons for choosing that path.

    There is one major thing that I feel very conflicted on, and that is the words being spoken to my partner. His parents have said things like:
    -He has poisoned the milk his mother fed him from her breast as a baby
    -If he is to make up for this wrong doing he has to spend the rest of his life as a servant to his family. He has no right to live his own life, he is now in service.
    -He is not welcome at their funeral; he is not fit to throw dirt on their coffin.
    -If he chooses me then we should leave the country.

    This is a selection of the things I find very difficult being spoken to someone I care very deeply about. I understand they are entitled to both their anger and their reaction. My question is this...in a western view saying these things to your child is unacceptable, but I do not post this on here to hear my western view reiterated. I would like to know if these kinds of words are shocking to an islamic sensibility or understandable given the great sin their son commited? I don't ask out of anger but out of wanting clarity.

    Thank you for your help

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Al,

      Praise be to Allah, who gave us this oppurtunity to speak about Islam and Islamic perspectives.

      Insha Allah, I would try to answer your points one by one:

      * A lot of Muslim families are financially well to do families from middle class to higher middle class and rich class, who have good earnings and can afford to send their children to study in foreign lands.
      In such families, the guys or girls do their schooling and then college and they are not laden with responsibilities of life. Unlike the west neither lot of people get loans from government, nor do these young people work in vacations, nor do they work during their school or college days.

      They spend from what the family gives them. Their high school/ college fees, books, computers, laptop,s mobile phones and bills, their clothes, their food, their vehicles, fuel, travel and any sort of personal expenses are borne by the family.

      I have known many of such people who do not have any say in their home, they are considered as "immature" and not grown ups, because, they do not earn, they depend upon the family. Also Islamic ettiquette demand that children do not become rebellious to parents, but respect them and be kind to them, as they since their birth did care and bring them up within their capacity by the will of Allah.

      So these are a few reasons why they do not have a "firm" stand against the family. And there are even guys who after their marriage do not take a "firm" stand a position in the family. This may happen due to many factors and one of them is to avoid unneccessary quarelling and arguments by women at home. I have known most men trying to avoid this, they can bear other things but not fights by women at home like their mom and their bride or their sisters and their mom, etc.

      You made a mistake and a sin, no doubt about it, but it is not an irrepariable damage. If you both repent to Allah, your partner becomes firm, then Allah would help you, but as I said Sister AI, without repentance from the heart there would be nothing but chaos and wandering blindly from one point to another without finding any solution. So pay heed to my words sister. Repent to your Lord.

      You wrote" There is one major thing that I feel very conflicted on, and that is the words being spoken to my partner. His parents have said things like:

      -He has poisoned the milk his mother fed him from her breast as a baby - they may have said in anger, so do not take this as a life long offensive usage of words, they may have been hurt deeply.

      -If he is to make up for this wrong doing he has to spend the rest of his life as a servant to his family. - This is something WRONG from any sensible humanitarian perspective along with Islamic view. A man or a woman can only be servants to Allah. May be what they meant to say is " he has to do as they say" from here on. But this is no make up for wrong doing. Who told them this is a way to make up? Making up is only by sincere repentance, by not turning to the same sin again, by marrying and by being a father of the child, and fulfilling responsibilities of life from here on. Other type of make up would be only escaping from the situation and adding sin upon sin.

      -He has no right to live his own life, he is now in service. - He has full rights to live his life within the boundaries of Islam and no one in the world has a right stop him from acting in the right manner that works solution to a problem at hand. If they said so, they are wrong again.

      -He is not welcome at their funeral; he is not fit to throw dirt on their coffin. What is the coffin and funeral except putting a human body with respect in to grave, so that it was created from dust, it goes in to dust and from dust it would be raised again. This is just a "dialouge" which is famous in Bollywood movies and used by parents here. I thinkit is due to their thought of him disobeying them from now and and wanting to warn him that see if you do not follow us - we would not allow you to be with us in life and not even in our death - we would do a complete cut off with you- I believe they want to warn him. But they should realize that their son has affected "two" more lives by his actions and he should work to repair the damage and they should help him.

      -If he chooses me then we should leave the country. Well, to live in any democratic country is the citizen's right. What they mean by saying so is, do not even stay around us if you choose the girl. Which is again their way of warning him.

      Sister AI, in my opinion and limited knowledge : Even if you become Muslim and somehow parents agree, until and unless there is no "true repentance" to God, not to the parents, not to the society, but "only to God" until and unless you both do not feel that from heart, I doubt anything would work. Allah is the knower of future, I do not to the slightest level have any knowledge of what would happen with me or with you, but this is what I can say from little bit of common sense and wisdom.

      I am happy for the fact that you want to interact with Muslims and are keen on knowing Islamic perspectives. But please Sister, turn to ALLAH. Turn to Him now. He will solve all your problems.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  22. Al, i share in your questions. I really do. And feel the same way. That's why I came here originally too because I wanted to learn. So Im sorry if I am not helping you at all. I just feel we are dealing with a similar situation. I'm sorry I have latched on to this. I'm hoping to hear something good of your situation to give me hope. My BFs parents emotionally blackmail him in similar ways too. Based on what I have learned, that is not acceptable in any religion or culture. How coild it be? I have also found a counselor who has studied multiculteral differences, etc and that helps a ton. So I don't mean to reiterate the Western way back to you. It's just that similar situations occur all over the world in many cultures and religions....parents disown/threaten their kids for many many reasons...it's not just in the Muslim. I think Maria M put it best when she said this may be all the parents know. It's many many generations of doing things a certain way. They lash out at their children out of fear of the unknown. You should looked up Imam Khalid Latif. He is in NewYork. There is a video out there about Forced Marriage: Broken Vows. You can google it. Although your BF may not be forced into a marriage with his own kind (yet), the Imam talks about a different way of doing things...and that being ok. It's a very moving video and I watch it a lot...it might help. Ive also contacted local Imam's who have helped clarify things as well.

  23. Wow brother thank you, you have finally gotten through to me too. Your last statements make a lot of sense. Thank you.

    • O Sister ! Assalamu alaykum,

      All thanks and praise be to Allah.

      I am thankful for that.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  24. Al can you keep us posted on your progress and your baby? Hope all is well.

  25. I am going home today for a week to tell all my family the news. I know they will be supportive of me, so I am not concerned for that. But the shame of telling them without him by myside is crushing. I feel like I need to defend his actions because I am embarrassed by his choices so far, but how can I when all of them to date have cut me so deeply. Yet if there is any chance of him ceasing to behave like a boy and starting to behave like a man and take responsibility for us, then surely I need to keep my family having a good opinion of him. It's hard enough having his family hate me. I couldn't handle my family hating him. I have so much anger and pain and tears today. I get so frustrated with him, but them when we meet he is so gentle and kind with me and I can feel the pain in his bones over what his happening for him with his relationships at home. It's so confusing. what a mess.

  26. You still see him? Do you still talk regularly? Im so sorry you are experiencing this. I feel your pain, frustration and anger. Maybe some time apart will help you both. Easier said than done. I really wish these kinds of things did not happen. It breaks my heart and I'm sorry. Best wishes & time will heal. I've been praying a lot and I will pray for you too.

  27. Al, You where talking about building bridges, and that is what you and your baby are a bridge. Allah has allowed you to become pregnant so that what was in darkness is reveled. Both the sin that you and the father committed in having a sexual relationship before marriage and the sin that is being committed by him and his family abandoning you and the baby.

    If you had not become pregnant what would have happened? Having sex before marriage is prohibited in our faiths because sex makes two persons into one. Would the two of you still be in a sexual relationship without considering marriage? Did you speak of marriage before you became pregnant?

    Love is the guiding force in the Quran, that is what I see, and when you are shut out because of culture that is not showing you Love.

    You need no matter what faith you chose to follow to LOVE his family. This child you carry makes them your family. You need to make them aware of your true feelings for him and his child. You need to not judge them because they may not know how to LOVE openly. I see in your post that you may be just the person to show them LOVE.

    So LOVE, with the LOVE that shines through you from God/Allah. LOVE with honor and respect. It is not always easy but it is the most important thing you can do - Outside of prayer.

    Pray in love for them, pray asking only that they find love and that the family will be healed let God workout the details.

    Now on a more physical note. You need rest my dear friend, do not worry about this Allah will work it out.

    SENDING YOU LOVE;

    NOTE: I am not Muslim, I am Christen and study both the Bible and the Quran

  28. My family have been loveley and are genuinely concerned for my boyfriend and how filled with pressure it must be to be living his life right now. I came back feeling very positive for the future. I have crashed back to reality with an earthquake. His parents have reiterated their position. They will never come round, never accept, if he wants to be a good Muslim he is to cut all ties with me and the baby. And have nothing more to do with either of us. I'm broken. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. He is the only person I can do this with. I'm so lost today. I feel like this is the end of me.

    What I want to know in all honesty is are his parents speaking any bit of truth to him? To me it is cruel. But Islamically are they correct to tell him to be a good Muslim he has to abandon us?

    • Well, as I said always to you : Until and unless you do not repent to Allah with a true repentance and realization of the wrong you have done, you will not find peace, you will wander blindly from one point to another.

      To become a good Muslim, he should repent, you should repent. You are having his baby, both should repent to Allah, get married and raise the child together. Why not? This can be done.

      But until and unless there is no shame in the heart for the deed done, nor any repentance to Allah, there will be nothing but blindness, with eyes there will be no way to see. So turn to Allah sister. Tunr to Him in sincere repentance for this great wrong done. Allah is the forgiving, the merciful.

      I do not see either you or him repenting to Allah for now and until this does not happen, I cannot say he should act like a man and settle things and start a life with you. Why? Why without repentance anything should continue between the two of you?

      I may sound harsh but this is true and truth stands clear. You have no choice but to turn to Allah.

      This is Islam, this is what you have to do to overcome this difficulty in which you have put up yourselves and to raise up in purity from this and be good slaves to the Merciful God.

      This is Islamic advice. Turn to Allah repentant first and then do all things come. Whether you have him in your life or not, your repentance will be for your own good and that of the child, if Allah accepts both of your repentance, if He wills He may unite you, if He wills He may separate you.

      And if He wills He may bring somone else in your life who would accept you as you are. Allah is able to do all things. He is the doer of His will.

      So think about this and act now.

      Peace.

      ****

  29. I do repent. I see all the pain that our actions have caused. I pray every night and every morning for mercy. I cannot stop the tears.

    • All praise be to Allah AI if you do repent to Him with a true heart, He will forgive your sins. He is the Forgiver of Sins, The Acceptor of Repentace.

      Ask the guy, has he repented truly to Allah as well?

      If Yes, then tell him that no parents in the world cut off with their children due to their mistakes. They are afterall parents. Tell him to tell his parents that it is due to his mistake as well that he has landed up in this situation and involved two other lives in it as well and that both of you now turn to Allah in repentance and marry in the name of Allah.

      It is not compulsory for his parents to approve of marriage. He can do on his own. Both of you should consult an imam in a local masjid, get married and promise each other life long company. If he really is a good guy, Insha Allah, he will not leave you like this, but he will marry you and tell his parents I am her husband, she is my wife and this is our child and we are a family and because you did not approve of our marriage, I married her without your approval and I am sorry for my past mistakes, please forgive me, I am your son. If they forgive, it is good, if not, and they remain in anger for some time, let it be so, slowly, all things will Insha Allah work.

  30. He thinks he can't take responsibilty for us because it would make him a bad Muslim.

  31. Dear al. . . . I think brothmunib have suggested d best. . . ., if d guy truelly loves u as he said, since d parents are not willing to understand, then both of u can do d marriage without involving his parents. Simply go to mosque in ur area and meet d imaam and he will give d directives. . . As far as i am concerned, am a devouted muslim man and i will tell u dat his parents are not helping matters, they are not doing d right thing. . . For goodness sake, d mistake has already been done and both of u ve repented, then let by gone be by gone (ie let them forget about d past). . The child in ur belly is thier grand child whether they accept it or not . . . . . . Look my friend, tell ur boy friend dat if he really loves u, then he should man up and take his responsibilities., let him take u to a mosque and let d imaam get u married in d hallal way. . . Then with time his parents will understand. . . . . . Tell him u seek for some advice and he should'nt assume the marriage to be something wrong. . . . He must inform his parents that he cannot deny his child. . . And if they are not ready to accept that, then Let him set his parents aside and do d marriage legally . . leter with time they will understand

  32. Tell him that taking his responsibilities will not make him a bad muslim ( d mistake have already been done in d begining nd both of u ve ask Allah/GOD for forgiveness) . . . . . . Tell him dat his parents will get to understand his point of view and accept him with time after all thier sorrows have washed away. . . . . . Tell him dat u are not saying dis on ur own, u seek advice from real muslims and after all dis long drama, dis is d final conclusion we came with. . . . . . . . . And pls don't judge islam by what u are passing through, islam is a beautiful religion and it encourages repentance and forgiveness. . . . . . . . I will be expecting ur reply if there is any progress

  33. It has been sometime since I posted here. Since then alot has been happening. My boyfriend decided that we should get married which was a huge blessing. He told his parents that he planned to stand by me. His parents were furious and clearly traumatised by this news. Initially they refused to accept the relationship. His Dad is now saying if my partner goes home and stays there for 2 years he will then give blessing on the marriage/relationship. If that was just the penalty I had to pay for us to be together I would agree. But it doesn't seem fair on my baby, and I don't understand what would change culturally if that's what we did. On the other hand I want my partner to have his family in his life. What do we do?

    • Salam O Alaikum sister al,
      I am glad that he has decided to stand by your side Masha Allah. All he needs is your encouragement during all this sister, now that he has realised that this is the best solution. Sister! don't worry about the parents; disowning or cutting off ties is just a threat. No parents can cut ties with their children, one day they will come around Insha Allah. You; yourself will realise this when you have your children that how strong this bonding is between children and parents Insha allah. The statement;

      "His Dad is now saying if my partner goes home and stays there for 2 years he will then give blessing on the marriage/relationship."

      is very fishy to me to be honest. I am guessing they might get him married to someone else and end up ruining another life. I would suggest you to speak to your partner about any kind of signs or secret talks about a particular girl (s) in the family or is there any girl which parents are interested in even if generally etc etc. It doesn't make any sense to me that why they want him to waste 2 years and then they are gonna give him his blessings, why not now? Maybe they are thinking that by separating you both for a certain period of time; you both might forget each other and move on in life. It is a very common practice in many Asian families to get their son married and when he will have a family of his own to look after then anything outside family becomes visible or non-existent especially in these circumstances.
      So, stay strong and encourage your partner to not to give into this pressure from parents and speak to them with respect and ask them what is the motive? ALSO, HE DOESN'T NEED BLESSINGS FROM HIS PARENTS HOWEVER, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE PARENTS BY ONE'S SIDE. I can't stress enough that; he is not going to lose his family never ever by marrying you sister. You are confused because this thing is new to you and you don't understand these kind blackmailing techniques. I have seen many such marriages with the same threats but eventually parents give into their children especially when they see their grand children:). It could take months or a few years but you will see Insha Allah sister that I am right.

      May Allah (swt) help ease your sufferings and give your partner the strength and wisdom he needs to make the right decision in these times. (amin)

      Please keep us updated so that we can help you Insha Allah.
      Wasalam,
      Your brother in Islam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • As salamu alaykum, Al,

      Nice to know about you again, good news, but I do believe the father of your baby will choose the straight way, to marry and take responsibilities on your baby. Wait and keep praying, this hasn´t ended yet, you still have a way to go, trust the father of your baby, he will do the straigth, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah. Trust him and show respect for his decisions. May Allah(swt) guide us in every step we take. Ameen.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  34. I'm worried that if I reject the idea it looks like I'm not willing to compromise and make sacrifices on my part. This is not the case. I'm more than willing to meet with them beg forgiveness and take punishment that is due to me. I don't believe another marriage is behind the 2 year proposal but it does feel like a proposition with a motive. If I say no my baby's father might think me stubborn and unwilling to sacrifice. He is desperate to keep his family. And I'm desperate for him to keep them in his life. He doesn't deserve to loose them.

    • AI,

      As I said in my previous post, I repeat it again with greater emphasis, if you are thankful, read Allah's Word and worship Him alone, Insha Allah, you shall be fine. Do not stress yourself thinking what will happen, nothing can happen without the permission of Allah. So it is Him to whom you have to turn for repentance, forgiveness, seeking help and in thankfulness

      7. If ye are thankless, yet Allah is Independent of you, though He is not pleased with thanklessness for His bondmen; and if ye are thankful He is pleased therewith for you. No laden soul will bear another's load. Then unto your Lord is your return; and He will tell you what ye used to do. Lo! He knoweth what is in the breasts (of men).
      8. And when some hurt toucheth man, he crieth unto his Lord, turning unto Him (repentant). Then, when He granteth him a boon from Him he forgetteth that for which he cried unto Him before, and setteth up rivals to Allah that he may beguile (men) from His way. Say (O Muhammad, unto such an one): Take pleasure in thy disbelief a while. Lo! thou art of the owners of the Fire.
      9. Is he who payeth adoration in the watches of the night, prostrate and standing, bewaring of the Hereafter and hoping for the mercy of his Lord, (to be accounted equal with a disbeliever)? Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Are those who know equal with those who know not? But only men of understanding will pay heed.

      May Allah bring you in His Mercy and Guidance, Insha Allah.

      Peace,
      Munib.

    • Salam O alaikum sister,

      Sister! you need to have an open talk with your partner and tell me that you are there for him but you are concerned that what will be outcome of all the sacrifices that both of you will make and WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD? I can clearly see through all your posts that you are a very caring, loving person but it shouldn't be taken as your weakness. If you say NO then why would he think that you are stubborn or unwilling? Your concerns are genuine; you and your partner have a right to know the reason for being asked to wait for 2 years. Your family life in on the line; I don't see anything wrong with that sister. So, stand up for your rights and speak to your partner and assure him that he is not alone; you are with him and your concerns will have effect on both of you and the baby as well. It's very wise of you in fact to not to blindly obey your in-laws without questioning their motives while being respectful at the same time. Also, like Brother Muneeb said; pray, and recite as much Holy Quran as possible because no connection more stronger than our creator is their . If he is on our side then be assured that you will only get the best of this world and after life Insha Allah.

      Wasalam,
      Your brother in Islam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Al, you have to use logic to convince your partner to stay. And although this suggestion from his parents raises red flags. You have to argue against it without making it sound like a conspiracy, which it is.

      1. What would 2 years of separation accomplish? Absolutely nothing other then separating you two. Whereas, if your partner spends the same time with you he is more likely to be helpful. You are pregnant and you'll need people around you for support and as a father of the child he should be there for you, not only emotionally but financially.

      2. There is no doubt his parents are plotting something mischievous and its obvious from their suggestion. You have to reject this suggestion firmly on grounds that you need him around during your pregnancy and afterwards. He shouldn't expect you to bear the burden while he does god knows what for 2 years.

      3. There are times when you have to stand up for yourself and this is certainly one of those times. His parents are hopping you would play into their hands and you can't let that happen.

      Instead of stopping him and arguing against his parents suggestion, you should ask him the hard questions and this is precisely how you can stop this from happening.

  35. Peace be unto you AI,

    You should thank Allah for the news you gave us.

    Also you should show gratefulness by studying His Book , His Word; Al Qur'an.

    AI, brother Muhammad has shown the right concerns.

    All matters were, are and will be by Allah's will. So do not stress, whatsoever in your destiny is written for you, Insha Allah you shall have it. But not to turn to sins again, rather turn to Allah for guidance, Insha Allah.

    Peace,
    Munib.

  36. Very nice to hear this good news!!! . . . Peace be unto u my dear AI. . U ve to be greatfull to GOD Almighty for making things to be easy now and also for making ur ''husband to be'' understand and takes his responsibility. . . . But i guess the favour and the easeness will be complete when u acknowlede his (GOD) oness, His supremacy. . When u beleive and testify that He (GOD-ALLAH) is the one and the only true God who created the heavens, the earth, and all the created things that exist. . . . I guess i should say things indirectly to u, but why not make a general study on the major religions in d world. I mean christianity, judism and ISLAM. . Study the scriptures and verify for the right religion for ur self (coz it is a matter btw u and ur God Almighty(ALLAH) and u sure to meet Him with ur good or evil deeds when u die and also u will be rewarded or punished accordingly) . . For the case of islam, get a copy of the koran that is having an english translation along with commentary like the one translated by abdullah yusuf ali, or by muhsin khan, or by king fahad printing press. . Read through it and whilst been objective about what u read, u should also read it with understanding and try to make sense about what u read. . Any verse that is unclear to u or sound ambigouse to u, pls dont hesitate to come here for clearity. . . . . ALLAH loves u 70 or many more times more the way ur mother loves u and He will lead u to the straight path if u seek the guidiance from Him. . . He will never misguide u if u seek to walk on the straight path. . . . . Mohd

  37. As it turns out it the '2 year deal' wasn't a genuine offer. They said that I still have to have an abortion and my partner has to wait until his sister is married, then he is free to be with me but is still cut out of his family. I can't take much more of this. My baby is going to be a beautiful part of my life. I refuse to abort. They refuse to accept it. And my partner is caught in the middle desperately trying to please everyone and loose noone. I keep praying.

  38. No matter what, do not abort the baby in ur tummy. . . If they are not willing to accept it and are not willing to involve themselves in the marriage, then ur boyfriend can get married to u "legally" without involving them. with time they will understand and come around. . He can do this by going to meet an imaam in a near by mosque. . . . . I was thinking d 2 yrs deal was for u to deleiver safely and gain strenght b4 d marriage take place, not until they are now suggesting to u that u should abort d baby. Am sure ur partner would'nt like his baby to be aborted. . . His parent will come around later when they understand. . .

  39. Al, I remember reading this a few months ago, is there an update to your situation? My advice would be to get the community involved. Obviously this guy has enough 'courage' to go sleeping around, he should man up and claim the responsibility of fatherhood. Go to islamicfinder.org and find he closest musjid to his house, it is he most likely to be familiar with his family, bring the imam to his house or bring the family to the imam and have he imam remind him and his family of his responsibility to their child/grandchild, and the consequences of that responsibility on Yaum e Qiyamat- the Day of Judgment.

  40. Dear al, any update on your situation???

  41. Al I am curious as to how your situation turned out

  42. Al, how is your situation now? We need an update. I came across your post as I was looking for mine which is similar. I'm also pregnant and the father is a Pakistani boy, but he did not even tell his family and I have got 6 weeks left for delivery. Please, Tell me how are you, how is your baby and what is going on. Blessings, Munira

    • my heart is with you. be strong. focus on you and your baby. you are the two most important people in the world right now. take time to breathe, to focus and make your own plans. If he is meant to come he will. You must focus on your baby now. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother. good luck.

  43. It's so kind of you all to ask after me. With 4 weeks left to delivery my boyfriend eventually found the courage to face up to the consequences of his choices. It was a very difficult time and his family were particularly unpleasant at the time - I was even receiving racist hate filled text messages during my labor. But we gave birth to the most precious healthy baby girl who has enriched our lives immeasurably. As soon as we were able we made Nikkah and this seemed to help improve things with his family. We have been welcomed into their home and the improvements made in the past year within his family relationships have been remarkable. Largely I presume because the wider family accepted me and my daughter, so it was easier for his parents to. I always believed they would come round eventually. Thankfully for my husband and my daughter they have. The sad thing is the whole affair has damaged the beautiful relationship me and my husband had - I don't believe in him or us with the same passion that I used to. However we work hard at our relationship and things get better everyday. We are blessed with an incredible daughter and love each other very much, so I really can't ask for much more.

    As for anyone in a similar predicament...I'm not in a position to give advice you have to follow your own heart. Part of me wishes I'd not put any pressure on him to come and support us - that way I'd know for sure it was fully what he wanted - but in my mind without me being the conscious in his ear he would have kept his head in the sand, and I knew that in my heart if he wasn't by my side by the birth that would be it and I'd never want him anywhere near us after that. But we are all different and that's what makes the world a wonderful place. We all must do what we must. My heart aches for anyone going through something similar it is the worst pain I've ever had to endure so far in my life...but I did learn from it - I learned the value of patience, I learned I am not in control and to give that control to a higher power, that there is someone far greater than me who has a plan, and I trust in that plan. I recommend anyone to watch the mufti menk video on youtube about sabr - he is a wise and beautiful man. Peace and goodwill to you all x

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