Pregnant but my husband is in love with someone else
Pregnant.
Assalamualaikum,
I am female. Married 4 years. Have a girl 3 years and 6 months pregnant. Recently my husband told me he had no feelings for me anymore. And that it has been going on for at least half of the year now. He said its because of our fights and he just cannot love me anymore.
And now also.. recently.. I found out he fell in love with another girl and is sooo madly in love with her. Claiming that she is his soulmate. As much as I tried to mend things... and his family advise to us.. he still does not want to work things out. And he plans to divorce me.
As much as I try, he said don't hope. And as much as he still comes back home to us, he has drastically changed. He knows I know that he is communicating romantically with the other girl. And he even gave hope to the other girl that he wants to divorce me.
Ya Allah. I am pregnant.. has he no mercy on me at all. I confronted the girl once and she denied it and said they were friends. I am so crushed. I can only seek help and prayers from Allah swt. I don't want to break this marriage but I cannot force him. I am so lost... and broken.. and he thinks that its not a sin to be in love while married??? I think his mind is not right.
But sisters... a woman like me has nothing else except to depend on her husband's love and care. And he broke his promise to care n love me till the end. What happened to him? What happened to my marriage?
- Hanom
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Salam sister,
I'm the first one to comment and I don't have much knowledge but as a sister in Islam I will pray for you.
May Allah make it easy for you sister.
It's sad that this man that promised to love and protect you betrayed you. I can only imagine how heart broken you are and how hard this must be on you but sister put your complete trust in Allah for He knows best. You are pregnant and all this stress is not good for you and the baby, think about the baby sister and his/her well being.
May Allah give you strength at your time of weakness, may He give you patience, and may He guide you so that you no longer feel lost.
As you say yourself, he is not interested in fixing your marriage and he's with another woman - I would say behind your back, but it's not really - so there's no point in you wondering about what has happened. If you're the type of woman who's not independant and relies too much on your husband, this is the perfect time to become a bit more self reliant. Because...because you're so dependant on this guy, you're actualy willing to degrade yourself just for him to stay with you. What kind of example is that to your daughter?
You can always get married again some day, just let this man have his cheap chunk of meat of a mistress and focus on your pregnancy and your other child.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Being a woman i feel sad reading ur story and i cant imagine wat kind of man is ur husband not even caring for the child ur carrying now. He didnt even realize that the words his been telling u might affect ur pregnancy.....
But dont lost hope sis, pray to Allah and ask for help. Dont argue or fight with him everytime just ignore him n think of ur baby instead. Be strong for them. I dont knw why marriage couples falls out of love. Did u try things to win his love again? Try to remember wat kind of things that make him love u before, try to do the things ......just try. Coz maybe wats lacking in your relationship now is wat he founds in this new girl.
INSHA ALLAH u wil find solution to your problem, have faith Allah dont give a lock with a key , so every problem have its solution just be patience n keep on trying to win his love back
My advice is that you should not loose hope,have faith that Allah will make things easy,focus on your children and keep praying may Allah make things easy for you Inshal Allah
Put this in your head
Let me point out the biggest problem in your situation. Guess what? It is not your husband cheating on you (yes this IS a kind of 'cheating'). It is this sentence:
"But sisters... a woman like me has nothing else except to depend on her husband's love and care"
Sister, let me ask you this, who can you depend on other than Allah? Who said you have nothing else? Where is your faith?
It's in you sister! You stated yourself "I can only seek help and prayers from Allah swt."
Now put this in your head- as long as you have Allah's Guidance , Help , Mercy Protection and Love; you will have everything you could possibly want.
The Situation at Hand
I'm not accustomed to a 'socially acceptable scenario' where a husband talks about his 'affair' with his wife and gives her a 'heads up' on a divorce.
And I'm so proud that you actually had the patience to try to 'mend' things. Sister, if my husband acted this way, I'm not sure how I would have handled this situation. And I'd like to imagine that I can understand your hardship right now. In all honesty, I can't.
and he thinks that its not a sin to be in love while married??? I think his mind is not right. - so much as looking at another woman is a sin (in marriage/out of marriage). Didn't he learn to 'lower' his 'gaze' ? He says it's not a sin? He is a badly informed Muslim I would have to conclude!
What exists between two non-mahram? Love? What is that love but a trick of the Shaitaan. It's not love, it's a trick. And your husband is foolish to fall for that trick at the expense of hurting his wife and his baby.
Sister, I'd like to mention though, I see a flicker of hope " confronted the girl once and she denied it and said they were friends." If the girl has a certain level of dignity- I think she is speaking the truth. At this point, I'm actually thinking your husband might be a bit delusional. Maybe the girl is being friendly and he's thinking that they both are in love.
Solution?
Sister, I'm sure that walking out of this marriage is a task you place next to the 'impossible' list. And in all honesty, again- I don't want your marriage to end. Yes seek Allah's help but do 'tie your camel'.
What can you do to make your husband realize what he is doing is extremely wrong? Is there any way of showing that you love him and just want some love in return? How long can you press down your frustration and keep patience? Most importantly, can you love &respect him like the way you did before his affair ?
I don't know sister, what happened to him but let me assure you that there is always fighting in marriage and it should not make him behave this way.
What does he mean 'he just cant love you anymore' ? People don't necessarily marry because they are in 'love'; you marry because you want someone to love and care for.
Lastly, never lose faith. Remember Allah doesn't Put a burden on His slave that he can't handle. He knows best and you will get through this- I pray for you.
Take care .
As-salamu alaykum sister,
I agree with others who have said that this must be heartbreaking turn of events, but that you will have to become strong and self-reliant now, and always turn to Allah for help.
I'm curious about something. You said that your husband said that he had lost his love for you because of your fights. What kind of fights were these? What were they about? And how did you and your husband behave during these fights?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I was thinking the same thing, actually. I noticed how she mentioned that her husband "is not right in his head" - even though it's kind of a minor thing to say compared to what she could have said worse about him, I'd still be extremely provoked if my spouse said that to me even once: "you're not right in your head". Urgh. I don't even know this woman and she kind of got on my nerves and lost my sympathy when she said her husband is basically insane. I know women like her, who just sit at home all day, totally dependant on her husband and with nothing else to do than to create drama; these "types" of women are usually the ones who stir up a fight in the first place, and when the husband reacts to the constant bickering, it's him who's not right in his head. Yeah. Right.
Of course, I don't know if it really is like that, but...it's just strongly the impression I'm getting.
In any case, it's without a doubt haram to have relations outside of marriage - whatever this woman's part in the fights are, he has no excuse at all to have mistresses or female "friends". That's his fault entirely.
ok which man in his right mind would anyway start an affair when the wife is pregnant and hurt her so bad in this difficult phase of her life?
btw how exactly did u arrive to this conclusion that she is that "type" of a woman who bickers constantly?
"creates drama" "sits at home" "dependent on her husband" what does all this even mean?
she just lost ur sympathy like that? whoosh! That was really quick btw.
you know what, i have been noticing how some ppl have been using this space to bashup the OP they obviously dont even know, as though they can draw their entire personality in and out over here in this box in their faces by analysing one expression or a tiny word or something that doesnt even matter.
i wish u had at least asked y she said that if it bothered u so much.
i really wish she doesnt come back to read this at all.
i wish she just forgets that she even posted a question over here.
may she get a better advise somewhere else so she can breath some air in peace with her unborn.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I believe this is unfair to the poster as we do not know anything about her or what the fights were about. It may be that both parties to this marriage would benefit from learning how to resolve their conflicts without causing harm to the relationship. I think it is wrong, though, to cast stay-at-home moms in this negative light, as though they are mostly petty and completely ignorant about the world and how it works. As others have suggested, a counsellor may be able to help this couple determine whether the marriage can be saved. But the woman here also needs to start thinking about worst-case scenarios and how she will support her children in the event her husband goes through with the divorce.
A,
It's not all stay-at-home moms I'm talking about, it's just her. Lots of women who don't have jobs are are still independant and have things to do with their lives - while this lady says herself that she depends on her husband to the extend where she feels like she's got nothing to fall back on when her husband leaves her. I know women like her, who say the exact same things about their husband as she does - while they actually play a huge part in their husband's decision to divorce - they just can't see their own faults, they can only see themselves as the victims. And that's what this lady does to when she's like, "ya Allah, why me?". I sincerely do not believe that she does not talk to her husband in the way she's been talking about him here...
I don't know this lady, and I did say I might be wrong - but she asked for advice and I gave her mine from what I know. She can totally ignore my words if she doesn't like them, I would do that in her shoes.
You sound so defensive yet attacking at the same time. I agree with Apple Green and A, you seem to have assumed SO much from a few words. You don't know this woman. And you know what else, if it were me in her shoes and my husband wanted to divorce me whilst I was pregnant, whilst he was in the midst of a haram relationship then yeah, I'd also say he's not in his right frame of mind. Also, you mention that he has a valid reason for divorce, if having feelings for the person whom he's having haram relations with is indeed a valid reason then okay! But if you are referring to the arguments then you really can't comment as she hasn't given any info about who/what/when/where/why.
And I'd also disagree with you about something else, I personally think Apple Green gives some of the BEST advice on here. Her tone is understanding, sympathetic, empathetic at times when she can can relate to the OP's dilemma, knowledgable and kind, and actually it's your advice that comes across as harsh, full of assumptions and your tone is quite angry at times.
To the OP, I really hope your husband realises his wrong doings and does right by you, inshAllah.
Sister,
You said, "a woman like me has nothing else except to depend on her husband's love and care".
Never, ever think this way! Stand tall and be proud of who you are. Be a good woman and do what you can to mend your marriage. Your husband it appears has stepped outside your marriage and it seems he has forgotten what the word, "marriage" means.
No one's marriage is perfect in fact we all have our fights, up's and down's however...we work through them. Your husband does not know the meaning of marriage or how sacred it is. To carry on an adulterous relationship whilst you both are married shows his true colors and what your vows of marriage mean to him. Hold your head high and involve your family. Let your family be there for you through all of this and let them support you.
Salam
my dear sister,
after i read ur post i felt so sad for u that i could neither find the right words nor a suitable solution to guide u so i prayed in hope that Allah will protect u and all those women who r facing such hardships at the hands of their protectors and providers. Sister if u look at it superficially u will feel the anxiety coz u sense that u r losing the only source of ur basic survival and the fear of supporting ur children alone financially through this emotional turmoil.
A lot of women lead a very protective life in their parent's homes and usually have little work experience. some r not even experienced enough to understand the basic banking system of money transactions. most homemakers devote their lives to their spouses and children to the extent where they get no time at all for themselves. if u r one of them, then i not only feel u but i also value ur selflessness, but my dear its only Allah who provides for us, our fathers and husbands r mere sources through which his barakahs find their way to us. Have faith in Allah s.w.t. He never humiliates his slaves.
ur husband is wrong indeed and has been very blind to ur plight in his selfishness. i understand from the urgency and depressed tone of ur post that he is determined to divorce u, if his affair is not just a short fling then the chances r that his infatuation will lead to some serious damage to ur marriage.
i suggest u meet a marriage counsellor with ur husband and see if anything can b done to save ur marriage if that is not possible then take help from ur parents to c a lawyer who will enligten u regarding ur rights over his home and income under ur country's law since i believe he wont take the responsibility of ur children willingly besides that see how u can use ur education in making urself financially independent. dont shy away from getting help from ur friends who will b happy to explain the different ways to manage ur finances and getting necessary documents in order. meet an imam also, explain ur situation and c what r ur rights in the islamic law. dont just sit and wait for something to happen.
eat well and rest well and believe my instincts that tell me that ur unborn will bring a bright future for him and good times for u.
Allah is with u my dear so 'chin up'!!
Assalaamualaikam
If possible, try to get your husband to agree to counselling. A marriage is a precious bond, and especially when children are involved should not be thrown away, or played games with. I applaud your patience in trying to preserve your marriage.
It may be worth trying to identify things that may have come between you and your husband - work? family dramas? bickering? lack of intimacy? I'm not saying that you are to blame, but if you can see something that has caused a rift between you, you may be able to resolve that. For example, if the two of you have been having arguments over trivial issues, when you can feel yourself next starting to get angry, smile, say alhamdulillah for the many blessings in life, and make sure you speak to him with kindness rather than anger. InshaAllah you may find that he gradually returns this behaviour.
Despite the struggles with your marriage, you do have many things to be thankful for - especially your children. When I'm feeling down and that the pressures of the dunya are getting to me, I set myself a goal of saying alhamdulillah for three things in my life every day - it may sound silly, but it helps me realise how fortunate I am and how grateful I should be to Allah.
Whether or not you and your husband resolve your difficulties, I do feel it's important for you to establish your own identity and support network outwith the role of "wife". Depending on another human is not healthy, and we should be able to trust in Allah to guide and protect us. Maybe you could start going to a mother and child group, or a prayer/study group? If you have any hobbies or interests, set aside some time for those (not necessarily a huge chunk, but even half an hour of "you-time" can be enough to help you feel more comfortable and reinforce your sense of self-worth), and of course spend lots of time with your children, who love and need you greatly.
May Allah guide you to what is best for you and your children.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I feel so bad for you sister reading your story is just heartbreaking. Shame on this men for doing this to you when your going to have his child. I just don't understand must men's these days what a shame he is a loser and insallah Allah help you get thee this soon and open a
Better door for you.
Assalamualaikum and thank you everyone for your feedback and advise. I truly appreciate it. It has been one month since this happened. And day by day.. husband is more and more desperate to divorce me instead of reconciling.
Forgive me but after meeting with some islamic healer... it was found that black magic was possibly done to make him fall out of love with me and thus he cannot see any good in me and he seems frazzled.. lost... confused. He cares for me enough to ask me how am I and our baby and the unborn child. He atill calls me by our lovey dovey names. He still comes home. Its just.. me and his whole family can see and feel he is not him self.
Tawakkal tul Allah we are and all our prayers and dua's goes to my husband. I am willing to give all my strength and patience to fix this marriage. I strongly dont believe this is the end.
He is full of love and compassion... and not this irreaponsible and mean man he is now.
I am weak for what happened.. but I am a career woman. I have a full time job. I have qualifications. I am smart. But I am also a loving motherly woman and to me.. my priority is and will always be my family first. It is not easy for me to deal this situation. But... my prayers and tawakkal to Allah.
Whatever the reason for my husband and I to arrive here... I know I have been faithful. I take care of my family and our pride. I have my darkside eg when I fight I get angry and talk things that maybe cause my husband to get angry.. but it takes 2 to tango. We went to counselling. It didnt work because he has no intention to work things out... By this other woman.. who also has no pride in continuing being close with my husband.. and saying things tat she loves him and willing to do anything for him... who is she and what is her intention to be close and in love with a married man in the first place?
No matther what happens. I want to try my best. I am faithful. I want to be strong for my children. Insyallah.
Hanom,
I came across your post in searching for someone to identify with me. Thank you for sharing your story. I do not have any words of wisdom but I understand what you must be feeling. I hate it for you and am sending you wishes, thoughts, and prayers of love, peace, and happiness.
I am 34 weeks pregnant and my husband has forsaken me to love another as well although we still live under the same household at this time. I think both he and his new love are very selfish people. They both knew I was pregnant when they began seeing each other, allowing feelings to develop. Neither of them care how they hurt me and are in denial of how this hurt effects my unborn child, such as the rise in my blood pressure causing my baby's heart rate to rise as well.
I am trying to accept what has happened and think towards my and my child's future but everything is moving in such slow motion. I mediate and pray each day for the strength and wisdom to rise above this devastation but the hurt and anger remains. I feel foolish and betrayed. I also now see my husband as a coward and weak. I lost a great deal of respect for him. He has become a stranger to me. And as far as the other woman, I wonder, where is her sense of sisterhood? What sort of woman would dare pursue a man with a pregnant wife? I will never understand that.
We must take whatever small steps we can into the direction of our own and children's happiness and well being. We must find a way out of this misery and break these chains that bind us. I do not know how, but I believe we will survive this destruction. We have to believe, keep up our hope and faith. And most of all, we must never stop believing in ourselves.
*HUGS
Assalamualaikum
I know i am late but after reading your post i have the urge to comment.
I felt your pain and i pray to allah swt to help you and gave you strength, faith and patience.
i was once in this situation, i have a 4 year old and i was 4 mths pregnant when i discovered my mother-in law hook my husband up with another lady and he was also cheating with another. I just got lay off from my job and had no way to support my self and kid. But i need to get out of this mess.
to make story short and simple
as soon as my baby was born i started looking for a job, 4 months later by the blessing of allah i got a wonderful job to maintain my self and KIDS. Today i am still at the job and my kids are both grown, 6 and 12.
I pray to Allah to gave me faith and to hold me together cause i have no one else.
As i read your story tears drop down my eyes for i feel your pain. Allah does not like ugly so get yourself together and be the lady you were born to be.
Salaam
Hanom i was wondering if you and your husband are still together? If u r, how did you manage to keep him from leaving you?
hi,
I m suffering from the same problem. I m working and 8 months pregnant and still no support from my husband. he spends maximum tym at office came home late and then sits with his family and spend tym with them. I literally cry every night and feltt so depressed tht felling like to kill myself. he hates touching me. never discuss anything. recently I got to know that he has an extra marital affair and when I asked he started blaming me like hell. he called me prostitute even abused me . but at this stage I m so helpless that I need support and even after knowing all have to live with him.