Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Pregnant from Zina, my parents want me to get an abortion.

Aborting a child is not only socially or morally wrong but also haram in Islam unless practised for right reasons

Assalam aleikum,

 

May Allah forgive me for my sins.

First and foremost my story starts two years ago. I've met a nice man Mashallah and fell in love. A white Muslim guy. And we wanted to get married, and start a family together. I've decided to tell to my mom that I wanted to get married with him before the month of Ramadhan last year, so we can plan a meeting together etc... She laughed at me. And she refused to meet him because we don't have the same ethnicity. She had very harsh words towards converted people saying that they aren't from "our community" and they will never be a part of the Ummah. I felt ashamed and really hurt deep inside me. Months were passing by, and I told him that I will keep talking about him to my parents until they accept one day. He said that he is ready to wait 1,2,3 years if necessary. He was ready to do everything to please them and try to fit to the "culture thing". Only my cousin knew that I wanted to get married with him in my family.

Then, months after we have committed a terrible sin. We are conscious of it. We decided to sincerely repent, and stop talking until we get married. But now I'm 7 weeks pregnant, I deeply regret what happened.

We want to fix things up, I keep praying day and night, I ask for forgiveness. But I'm so afraid of the punishment.

I told my parents what happened two weeks ago and that we sincerely want to get married. I want to raise my child with his both parents and i can't even think about abortion, because it's an horrible thing. But now my parents call me day and night to insult me and they want me to get an abortion. My mom said that she will cut ties with me , she will never recognize my baby. I don't know what to do. I can't live without my parents . But I don't want to get an abortion, my parents perfectly know it's haram but they said " we are ready to go hell for our honour" . They keep talking about honour, religion and family. They say that if i get abortion they will maybe let us getting married and we can make kids after our marriage. But I think that it won't erase the mistake, in contrary in makes our sin worse. My mom talked to my cousin, now my cousin tells me that I'm a monster to keep the baby, and making my parents cry day and night. She hates me now. My aunt think same. I have a strong pressure around me. May Allah help me.

I'm going to visit my parents Sunday. I don't know how things are going to happen. I'm scared, i can't sleep.

I'm sorry if my story isn't well written, i'm just so emotional and english isn't my first language.

I don't know what to tell them Sunday. Please help me.

 

 

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13 Responses »

  1. Please my advice don't do it it's totally haram if you do it...if your Mom don't let you to married with that man you have to choose your owned desicion. Marry that man and do what is right ..eventually you will with the man not your Mom .If you married the man he is the one responsible to you and he will provide to you . Allah will forgive you and Allah is then most Merciful and Allah love to forgive and he will forgive you

  2. Oh that's really bad to hear that, you can either get an abortion, but i know how this really feels i Don't recommend that! It won't be the same later, well your second option is that, the guy you want to marry their family should come and talk to your parents and tell them how a mother have feeling for her baby, and that abortion isn't necessary, and it won't be the same later and the two should get married and these convincing stuff, pray more and and may allah forgive you, I'm about to make the same mistake as you to be honest... Umm if you don't mind me asking how old are you? And where are you living? , also where the guy you like is from? Tell me more detailed stuff about you and the situation to help you better

  3. Whatever you do , please don't do abortion as your are taking innocent life

    May alAll guide you and make things easier for you

  4. First, do not abort the baby, it's your child. Second, marry the man, the father of your child, you love. Your mother had no right at all to determine what you do with your child and your life. This whole race/ethnicity thing with people is totally out of control. It's downright evil and continues to cause too many problems in the lives of people.

    Do whatever you have to do to straighten out your problems and make yourself happy. If you abort that child, your mother won't change her mind. Her mind is already poisoned by evil racism, judging people by their race/ethnicity than by their character and/or personality, etc. Be aware, though, that standing up for yourself will more than likely involve becoming estranged from your family, but you'll be in control of your life and free from their racist behavior, which is wrong.

  5. I understand you and your parents. The feelings your parents are having the pain, after raising your daughter all alone for a very long time trying to make her modest and all then she brings this at home, the pain how much your father will hurt how much your mother will cry. Though the saying honour over hell is so very wrong may Allah forgive us but it could be out of frustration. Sometimes no matter how much we love someone if we talk to our parents over and over again and it doesn't work out it best to stay away from such or else you'll end up committing a big mistake like you did now. The mistake has already been done, we humans commit a lot of mistakes may Allah forgive us. This mistake doesn't affect just you the baby is innocent since your I don't know if too call him your fiancee acknowledged the pregnancy. The best solution is to get married, but then even after that your baby wouldn't have some rights like your babies given birth to after marriage would. Sometimes the mistake we do affect a poor life out there. Whatever it is do not blame your parents or hate them understand the pain though they judged and said lotsa bad statement. But think of it as your own child did that. InshaAllah bi'idhnilla everything will work out for you but don't seize to keep asking your parents to forgive you. But whatever it is do not abort the baby, can't you tell a shiek or some mufti near by to help you talk to your parents.

    • The parents are also responsible for this unmarried woman's pregnancy. She asked for them to approve of her marriage and for racist, triablist reasons the parents said no. Now that she is pregnant, they want her to get an abortion. Not very good example of being sooooo religious and dutiful to Allah.

      Wonder what the poor man who is new to Islam is thinking. And the mother has rallied her supporters and now the young lady is a monster. As if she is the first woman to get pregnant outside of marriage. The woman's family should stop being hypocrites, and making her feel guilty for disappointing her mother. Her mother's racisim is indirectly the cause of this dilemma.

      If the woman marries, the baby will have full rights. Please do not introduce any more backward thinking into this matter. How would the baby not have full rights. And if not, would the baby then have 90% or 75% rights. So absurd.

      • Her parents are not one bit responsible for this pregnancy - they are not the ones that made the decision to have sex outside of marriage, that's purely her decision and her boyfriend's. They are the only ones responsible for getting pregnant - it's not right to impose the mistakes of others onto other people. Yes, the parents didn't approve of their marriage, but that's no excuse for these two to have sex with each other anyway. You can NOT blame the parents for this.

        I do agree, though, that their reasons for saying no to this man are stupid...but as I said, it's still not their fault in the slightest that their daughter has ended up pregnant.

  6. Life is breathed into the foetus at 40 days, so if you were to have an abortion you would be committing murder. Allah says in the Quran the one who kills a life is like the one who has killed the whole of humanity - the sin is that great, an almost certain sentence to hell for you and your parents who are pressuring you.

    Get married to that guy, do an Islamic marriage without your parents if necessary for the sake of the baby. Your baby has more rights over you now than your parents. Your parents are going against Allah when they are asking you to abort the baby and so you do not have to listen to them in that respect. Of course you want to stay on good terms with your parents and these sort of things have a way of sorting themselves out, especially when the baby is born.

    Get married to the guy, with or more likely without your parents. You will never forgive yourself if you abort the baby because of the selfish and racist desires of your parents and I don't think Allah will forgive you either. If you are married and have a baby there is no shame and so that is the thing to do.

  7. On judgement day, your parents wont be standing beside you and telling god that they made you do it. You will be the one who accumulates the punishment of your sins, as you were the one who committed them. Whereas, your parents will also get punished for putting you in that position.

    Please do not say masahllah, god did not bless your haram relationship with this man. I found your behavior to be very irresponsible and foolish. And now you have put yourself in a much more worse situation, and on top of that you committed a sin that god has warned us on numerous occasions.

    And what's even worse, is the response response from your parents, " we are ready to go hell for our honour." Now that puts you in a much more difficult position, now you have to choose between god or your parents (which should obviously be god). I find it funny how that pressures entity that your parents care about , is actually created by god.

    Here is my advice to you. Do not listen to your parents or anyone who has a personal agenda and only does right by them. Your next cause of action should be a solution and not another layer of problem. Analyse all your avenues and make sure to pick the right one. Do see a scholar about abortion, as abortion in my opinion would be the absolutely best choice for you if only, it's allowed. Last thing you would want is to bring up a child in a messy situation.

    However, if abortion isn't permitted, then I would advice you to be prepared falling out with your parents and also marry this man as soon as possible if he is the right guy for you. This is to avoid any further sins and also so he can be around the baby. You do understand in islam , because this child was conceived out of wedlock it means;
    - The baby will be called and recognized by the name of its mother.
    - The baby will legally inherit only its mother; and the mother will inherit from its baby.
    - The baby will not be a legal heir of its biological father and thus it will neither inherit its biological father, nor will its father inherit from the baby.
    - Neither the baby nor its biological father would have any rights due from each other; basically the child would have no legal obligation towards its biological father, nor would the biological father have any legal obligations towards its illegitimate child.

    Just repent and seek for gods knowledge and inshallah everything should work out fine for you. And try to keep a good relationship with your parents if possible.

  8. You did not post enough information regarding the father of your child -- whether he wants to marry you or not. So anyone's advice will be based only on what you have shared, not ALL the information. However, if the man you are involved with wants to marry you, I would strongly advise you to marry him immediately. Like Monday. Regardless of what your parents with their questionable ideas of honor, religion and morality. The two of you will be together, you will be in a decent environment while pregnant and your child will have both his or her parents. Oh and the honor thing will also not be an issue. Unless someone has a stop watch to your delivery date. It will be difficult, but many many people have married and had a child within one year and enjoyed a happy marriage. You will have to do taubah and ask Allah to forgive you for your indiscretions, but you will not have to deal with issues surrounding an abortion, or being a single mother and you still will be in love with your the man who is the father of your child. Get married. Your ignorant mother will have to get over herself. Some Muslims parents take the obey your parents wayyyy to far. Be an adult. Be polite and respectful. But live you own life following the true principles of Islam, not what you mother tells you. You will be quite miserable. And still sinning if you obey her and not the Prophet.

    Your parents may have wanted you to marry within your own ethnic group. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, when you came to them and told the you that you wanted to marry a man who was not of your culture, your mother said no. By the way your mother is a very ignorant woman and if I had the opportunity to tell her, I would let her know that no revert, convert or introvert would want to keep company with her -- someone who claims to be Muslim but is so ignorant, racist, and tribalist -- all which contradict the Prophets teachings. She herself is an oxymoron. She is judgmental about people who are new to Islam, but she does not follow the teachings at all. Back to your wanting to get married and your parents saying no. If it is any comfort to you, your parents created the current situation you are in. They prevented you from getting married, being in a wholesome loving Islamic relationship with a man that you love and care about. Now you are pregnant.

    Regarding abortion, there are different rulings regarding abortion in Islam. Some scholars state that an abortion that takes place within the first 16 weeks is permissible. Some state that with the first 120 days is permissible. Some state that up until the time the mother feels movement or quickening takes place. Most, however, regard it as wrong, but not punishable, i.e. makruh. That is your own decision. Not your mother's.

    You should discuss this more with the father of your child. Not your mother.

    • Hi roses,

      She actually does provide us information about the revert man.. She says that he said, "He said that he is ready to wait 1,2,3 years if necessary," if this is true, then it's safe to say that he wants to be part of her life And they both wanted to start a family together.

      However - I disagree about her marrying this boy as soon as possible , as his religious state is questionable. Is he really a Muslim for the sake of god and not for the sake of the relationship. And why the reason being is because this guy went from not believing in god to believing in him, so how could he turn his back on god so easily. If he turns out to be a legitimate muslim and wants to be part of the mother and child's life then yeah he should marry her as soon as possible.

      Her parents are pure shaitans."We are ready to go hell for our honour," this statement alone in forms you the state of the parents when it comes to religion. They are not fit to make any decisions for her. So therefore they are irrelevant

      Before she takes any form of action. She should think everything through and take the best option

  9. If you are woman enough to get pregnant, you are woman enough to make motherly decisions. Sometimes, that means having to make really tough decisions. In your case, it would be to keep the child and marry its father, or to abort the baby, cut ties with your boyfriend and remain close with your family.

    No one can really make this decision for you - I'm well aware of what the Islamic ruling on abortion is...I'm just not sure that the best decision in reality is to always be very strict about abortion. However, in your case...I actually think it's quite clear what the most ideal thing to do is. If I were in your shoes, I would keep the child and marry the man I love and who loves me. Your parents are being very unreasonable, and they sound very controlling, too. I would not want to sacrifice my child and a happy future for a lifetime of being controlled by my family. If they don't want to have anything to do with you, it's their decision...it hurts, but if dumb things like reputation and honour means more to them than having you in their life, they have kind of failed as parents.

    I would marry this man, keep my baby, and try my best to maintain ties with my family...

  10. Assalamualaikum sister as u are guilty and aware of what u did was wrong Allah will forgive you he knows your intentions more better than anyone else...Go ahead and marry him ........abortion is not solution accepting your deeds and repentance and take care of your baby ..

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