Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems between my brother and his wife

Arguing couple

My brother has been married for 5 years now. They are really not happy together at all. He doesn't like her at all anymore and neither does she. My mother tells me that the only reason (according to him) he is staying with her is because he is waiting for her to get her nationality. She is original from Pakistan and we live in US. The only reason my mom and dad are putting up with her is because they don't want her to go back to Pakistan (if they do get divorced) and be left with nothing. In our culture when a girl gets divorced then basically her life ends and they want her to at least get her nationality so that she'll be able to get married again.

I personally don't think she deserves this. She doesn't care anymore. Before they usto fight and argue but they stopped that to. You fight with people you love and when you stop fighting then that means you've stopped caring.They don't talk at all. She started working and when he comes home she just puts the food in front of him and goes to her room.

I love my brother and I know that he is a really good guy. He will do anything for you but if you stab him in the back he will never forgive you. He loves us all so much but he hates his wife.

I don't know what to do I just want them to get a divorce because I hate that my parents are so stressed about them and both of them don't even care. Also I was really suspicious that how can my sister in law be so happy when her husband hates her? How can she not care at all? If I was in her place and my husband hated me for so many years I would just leave honestly.

So what I did and I probably shouldn't have done this (I hope Allah can forgive me) I checked her phone. Her Facebook was open so I looked at her messages and I saw that she has been messaging random guys. I couldn't believe that she was doing this. Then I guess it made sense why she was so happy and why she didn't care. I went though one of the messages and I saw that she also talked on the phone with these guys. On Facebook you can also call people. She talks to this guys late in the night around 12 or 1 while my brother is sleeping right there next to her. I was just so shocked. Also she has been doing this for a couple of years it didn't just start recently. In one of the messages she was messaging this guy at around 8:30 and thats the time when my brother gets up to go to work. The shocking thing is that she doesn't get up to make my brother breakfast but she is awake to talk to this guy!

I don't know what to do. Should I tell my parents about this sin she is committing? I also committed a sin by looking through her phone so I don't think I have the right to tell anyone because I also did something wrong. I just don't know what to do. I have no respect for her anymore and the thing that gets me so mad is that my parents and brother are tolerating her while she is goofing around with random guys. Before I usto feel bad for her and I thought it was all my brothers fault but now I see that it's all her. Please tell me what i should do. Should i tell someone about what she is doing or leave it up to Allah?

shah5


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    After living in the US for 5 years, she should be able to get citizenship--you might want to check into that.

    As for what you saw, I suggest that you do not tell your parents. Speak instead to your brother with proof outside of the house somewhere so that he has a chance to cool down and think about how to proceed. It is important that you speak with evidence because, you were wrong about your brother the first time, you don't want to be wrong a second time based solely on suspicion--so speaking with evidence is critical. I believe your brother has a right to know and think about how he can do the right thing as he sees fit in his marriage.

    May Allah ease the difficulties your family is facing, Ameen.

  2. OP: They are really not happy together at all. He doesn't like her at all anymore and neither does she. My mother tells me that the only reason (according to him) he is staying with her is because he is waiting for her to get her nationality.

    If one marries to a US citizen, one can get her/his citizenship after 3 years. As your brother and his wife don't get along, it makes little difference what you found out about your sister in law in the facebook.

    Have you checked your brother's facebook page and Iphone too?

  3. Aoa,

    I am also from Pakistan but I have not been able to understand the rational of your parents and your brother. What happened to the parents of the girl, have you not spoken to them, what do they say.

    I am assuming that your brother and your family is as good natured as you are describing them (because I am going through a similar situation), and your brother has been a true gentleman himself, with no violence, extra marital relations and has been a good provider of emotional and financial needs of the girl. If the girl is so much trouble then isn't it better that she is as far as possible from your family, she can do all sorts of dramas to get even with you. Even if she gets the divorce, how is she going to sustain herself financially?

    There must be something going on the mind of your sister in law. I dont think that she likes to be in this situation either. The fact that she is at least serving him dinner means that at some level she knows that it is her responsibility, or is she just trying do the absolute minimum so that people cannot finger point at her.

    Sometimes, we see what we wish to see but if you are fairly certain that the messages you saw were real and you interpreted them correctly then I suggest that you talk to your parents and brother so that you and your brother could take necessary measures to protect themselves. Just be vigilant that your sister in law does not take advantage of your kindness and entrap your brother in a law suit just to get even. Cheating in marriage is a sign of weak character and anything could be expected from such a person.

    You do not spy any further, just a handful of clues are enough to make one understand where things are going. Invading privacy is bad but cheating in a marriage and being unfaithful to the spouse is far worse.

    I pray for the well being of you and your family.

  4. MY DEAR SISTER !
    WITHOUT GOING IN ARGUMENT , I WILL SUGGEST TO READ LETTER FROM DR AISHA HAMDAN ( THE MUSLIM MARREGES ) AVAILABLE ON NET

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