Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems in marriage

Assalamualaikum

I got married around 5 months back. I don't want to have children anytime soon as I'm just 21 years old and I'm pursuing my studies. My husband is continuously forcing me to get pregnant. Even the thought of getting pregnant is scary to me. I didn't even wanted to get married but had to do so because of family pressure. After my engagement I had a talk with my husband regarding this and I told him clearly that I didn't want to have kids atleast till 4-5 years . He said yes and now he denies the fact and tells me that he was just kidding at that time. I'm really very tensed. I don't have soooooo good relations with my husband too and for now I just want to concentrate on building a strong relation with him emotionally too as I feel we are not so close to each other . My husband is continuously pressuring me to get pregnant. Please tell me what to do. He makes fun of me and I don't like it. I've gone into depression many times just because of his behavior towards me. He disrespects me all the time. I just can't stand the thought of him disrespecting me in front of our children. And apart from this I don't feel I'm ready for motherhood yet.

sakina

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4 Responses »

  1. Dear Sakina,

    Your husband's behaviour is alarming. He disrespects you and your wishes blatantly. It takes two people to have a baby - surely both should have equal say in when this should happen?

    He made a promise not to pressure you into having a baby and has not only gone back on his word, but is pretending his promise was a joke.

    He is not taking you seriously. Having a baby is not something anyone should be bullied into. It can be detrimental to both mother and baby.

    If you give into his demands now, it will send a message to him that bullying will always get him what he wants.

    Suggest counselling to see how you can both move on from this. If he won't agree to go with you, go alone. It will help you to make a decision for yourself about how to deal with this situation.

  2. Asalam alaikum sister.

    Pressuring someone to have a baby or do anything is wrong in Islam.

    Having a baby is not the end of the world. It's one of the most beautiful moments in a woman's life. You say you're not ready but nobody is actually ready for this. It's one of those things where you prepare for it to the best of your abilities and leave the rest to Allah. You will not be alone while having the baby. You will have loving people around you but most importantly your life partner will be there to support you emotionally, physically, etc.

    You say your husband is pressuring you. Is he hitting you? Forcing himself on you? Cursing you if you don't comply? Under these conditions this qualifies as pressuring. Some men are more violent than you can imagine in these matters so be GRATEFUL and THANKFUL TO ALLAH that your husband is not one of them. Remember you have a duty towards your husband as he is the head of the household. Once both parties sign the nikkah nama it's with the understanding that they have been endowed with the rights of husband and wife.

    Teasing and joking is allowed between husbands and wives but ask him to not do it in certain topics you don't like. You're both civilised, mature adults so plan in such a way that both parties are satisfied.

    (For young and older couples: plan at least half an hour of each day to be dedicated to you spouse without any distractions. This could be used for talking, listening, loving and even for just giving your full attention from your very being).

    • Don't do it... honestly it sounds like he's a moron and sorry if I'm wrong I know wat it's like to live with a bully like that. I don't understand men...how can they just decide to change once your married. Iv gone through everything u have...he bullies me, he's controlling, he thinks it's ok to swear at me or call me a dog n yet I can't do anything like that to him, I was forced into my marriage from family pressure too and here I am constantly writing questions because I don't know how to cope. I was convinced into having a baby and I love her to death now but I srsly wish I hadn't had her because I hate her seeing us clash. Don't have a baby now...wait till his attitude improves otherwise shoot him back to where he came from coz u won't be able to do that easily once u have a baby. Look at me!

  3. As your relation with your husband is not good, you should avoid pregnancy: a child can make a divorce very complicated if the relation of you two does not improve in the future (disagreement about custody, etc.). Either tell your husband that your are not willing to do this and if he keeps pressuring you / the relationship does not improve ask him for a divorce.
    If you don`t feel up to a confrontation with your husband, you fear physical abuse from him or even rape, and / or pressure from your family to give in, than the only option I see would be to take contraceptive measures secretly. Either to take contraceptive pills, or with an intrauterine device. It is of course not nice to hoodwink your husband, but if you feel that it is necessary to take out the pressure in order to improve and save your marriage, to make it possible to work out your differences: I find it justifiable to do so, as it is less worse than having a child in an unstable or bad marriage. But frankly, if your husband is a bully and humiliating you, I do not see much hope for it.
    At any rate, you have to stand up for yourself and make it chrystalclear to him, that his behaviour is intolerable and humiliating.

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