Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems with mother in law and sister in law

Sister in law creating problems in family

Assalaamu alaikum

I've been married past two years and have a girl baby who is 10 months old now. Was living with mother in law and my husband. Just after 2 months of my marriage my sister in law got divorced and came back. Mother in law didn't like me or anything I do right from the day one of my marriage though I had an arranged marriage, she doesn't talk to me for no fault of mine, pretends to watch tv and ignore me if I try to talk to her. She always bosses over, she doesn't like if I and my hubby go out together, doesn't let me cook - I just need to help her. I do not have my own space, she doesn't treat me well, her maid is treated and respected better, and my hubby is mama's boy so he never says anything to his mom if she is wrong....

I just do not have my own space there......she is a widow ... now even sis in law bosses over me, doesn't let me cook, keeps an eye on everything I do...we hardly go out, and if we do me and my hubby must take my mom in law, my sis in law and her son along, my sis in law is dependent over my hubby for everything, they don't like me to dress up well, they are jealous... They rule over the house and sis in law is completely dependent financially and emotionally on my hubby as he is the only man for family, so it's like she is his second wife and her son is like his second child..

Hubby makes a fuss to buy me things but if his sister asks he buys her without a second thought. Whatever we shop for my kid we should buy it for her son too, he will always be on messages and calls from his sis even when he is at work..

I have asked my hubby to re-marry her but he doesn't respond properly, he is always behind filing the cases, courts, stations.... I feel depressed and ignored.... even during my pregnancy when I was alone with my mom in law when hubby was in USA for a month I've been ignored and not treated well despite me having complications in my pregnancy. I've tried talkin to him about my feelings all possible ways but nothing works...

I can't even drive a nail to fix a tv in that house, I have no rights over anything there, I have asked hubby to move out and live separately but he isn't willing to....

I don't know what to do... I don't intend to separate them but I need my own space cuz I have a growing kid....her kid is also 1,8 yrs ,he pokes his fingers in my lil girl's eyes every time yet I can't tell him anything... My sister in law is 5 yrs older to me but younger to my hubby, her interference in everything is irritating, don't know what to do.


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7 Responses »

  1. Dear sis I empathize with you because of stress you are going thru due to house politics and power struggle .there are probably no families without these tussles . You do need to realize following things though.

    You are related to this man for 2 years whereas SIL and Mil are his blood relation all his life.
    They have full rights over him and he is responsible to fulfill their needs as much as he is suppose to satisfy your needs. Islamically mother status is higher than wife status. Both SIL and mil have no husbands so they are going to look at your husband for all their requirements and he is obligated to fulfill them no matter how disturbing it is for you. Yes if they are trying to sabotage your relation with him then case is different but you did not mention anything like that.

    Mostly women complains that after marriage they have to work like maid at in laws but you are lucky that you are free from those duties. Stop suggesting to remarry SIL as instead of well wish it will be taken as you are trying to rid of her. It is their personal matter. Leave their relation with each other alone.Stop competing yourself with them. Instead of waiting for gestures of importance from others and falling in self pity start giving genuine importance to his family including little 1.8 year old nephew.

    If you really are very much in cooking then use kitchen when no one else is using it. You can busy yourself with any hobby . You can use this extra time in taking good care of your daughter.
    Your SIL is going thru tough time after divorce and probably very bitter so try to be friends with her and empathize with her.
    It's all about changing your perspective by adapting positive attitude and counting your blessings. It is tough but doable .
    By suggesting moving out,showing irritation over his actions when he is involved with mother,sister or nephew ,demand for your own space etc will weaken your relation with your husband. Even if you will win your own space you will loose his love .
    On the other hand if you will show tolerance and patience at this time then inshaAllah you will earn his love ,respect and most likely he will become more inclined to fulfill your emotional needs as he appears to be not a bad person as per your post.

    Good wishes

    • What an amazingly thought out post. I agree with you on almost everything. Sometimes we have to reverse the situation and see how it would be if you were divorced and you came home and depended on brother etc. This will make you more tolerable and ease your situation. Hope things ease for you.

    • People one who with her place they only come to know her feeling ... Mom in law an sis in law shud understand her feeling and shud give proper place to her. If they dont have husband means they shud understand other feeling too. Food is important to everyone life idiotic mom in law shit.. My life to same like this . if we give more space to them they try to break our relationship coz they dont have husband .i given more imp and adjusted now stupid people trying to break my relationship..

  2. Most women should not have to work like maids after marriage as this truly is not their duty in Islam to be a maid to everyone after marriage. This seems more like culture then Islam. Woman have human rights and marriage should not be about getting a maid for the whole family but about a relationship of love and trust. People seem to misinterpret the Islamic concept of marriage and use women for their own selfish purposes ,but this is cultural and not Islam.
    You have every right to have your own residence and you dp not have to live with your in laws if they are emotionally abusive. Y ou have a right to some personal space of your own and to feel safe at home. Talk to your husband again, and if he does not respect you then get help from your family. Do not let the pressure build up if your mother in law constantly oppresses you. Got to your family home for a rest if your husband does not respect your need for your own separate house. He can still care for his mother and sister while living in different homes. He should give you as wife your rights as well as giving his mother and sister their rights. Pray a lot to Allah and do not let yourself be oppressed. Try to get along with your mother in law but at the same time assert your rights and do not let her treat you bad.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    You are in a tough situation. May Allah ease your difficulties.

    A husband has rights over his wife, just as a wife has rights over her husband.

    Please read (from

    As far as the teachings of the Qur’an and the Sunnah are concerned, just as the husband has rights over his wife, the wife has rights over her husband. Allah says in the Qur’an: “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness…” (Al-Baqarah: 228)

    As Imam Al-Ghazli has analyzed this issue, this includes women’s rights to sexual satisfaction. Therefore, just as a wife will be accountable for her refusal to the demand of her husband, the husband will be also accountable for his deliberate act or negligence in this matter.

    In conclusion, let us remind each other that of the Prophet’s statement that “your spouse has right over you.” This involves both partners. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said: “Man would be committing a huge sin if he were to neglect those who are dependant on him.”

    All of these reminders would be sufficient for the husband who is conscious of Allah to do his best to please his wife just as she should be doing whatever she can within the permissible limits to please her husband.

    Although all the information I have shared isn't completely inline with your question, the point I am making is that both you and your husband should be working towards making each other feel loved, heard and special. Obviously, you feel you are being silenced in this matter, so I suggest you create an environment one day with your husband to discuss things that you would like. For example, you want to go out with him, or cook for him -- let him know that right now you don't feel those are possible. Keep your SIL and MIL out of the conversation and focus completely on your relationship--even if he brings it up, tell him that you want to focus on success in your marriage under the circumstances--ask him how he thinks it can be done?

    Also, although his responsibilities do lie with his sister and mother, none of those responsibilities are above his reponsibility to you--he has married you and with marriage comes responsibility--responsibility for each relation in our life do not and should not trample over the rights of others. They are separate and to be upheld separately. Respect for one individual shouldn't be stolen from another to give to another. There shouldn't be a limit on how much love and respect a person can give--meaning, if a person respects and loves their mother a lot, that doesn't mean that now the love and respect in that person is exhausted--they would still have more to give to others in their life.

    The solution to your problem lies in the quality of your relationship with your husband--do not hold any expectations from your MIL or SIL.

    I pray that you and your husband are able to listen and accomodate one another, Ameen.

  4. Dear Sister,
    I hope by now you have overcome this and are enjoying your life.

    Pray to Allah and be patient. You are in a lot better condition, and Allah swt has blessed you with so much as I read from your post. There are many out there in miserable conditions than yours.

    Based on the facts mentioned in your post, both you and your husband seems to be of good nature. It is natural for anyone to feel what you are going through, and it could be for both the spouses.

    As long as your husband has provided you whatever is in his capacity, and has not transgressed the limits, and is trying in his best ability, be with him and thank him for whatever he has provided. Be patient, tolerant, vigilant, and open hearted within the islamic boundaries. In Shaa Allah, In the long run, you will get all what you dream for now, and much more than this, if Allah wills.

    Your husband has the responsibility towards you, your children, his mother and sister as well. Help him in performing his responsibility towards all of you.

  5. as salamu alaikum ,i truly understand your plights .sometimes things happen we cant control.Most women in marriages are faced with one or two challenges but be more prayerful.Sometimes families forget that newly weds needs their time to each other.

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