Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems with my co-wife

second wife

My husband and I were in the process of picking a co-wife. This woman was from his past and he said she needed help. He also told me that he was skeptical because he was tired and him and this woman's past was not all that great. She contacted him and asked him if she could be a part of his family.
He talked to me about it, because earlier I had explained to him that I wanted a friend and someone to share my life with. This woman had more children and had lived a hard life. She had recently taken her Shahada. Which she had contacted him about. If you know my husband, then you would know that Islam is very dear to his heart. She knew that as well, seeing that she dealt with him in the past and knows his cousins and friends. But he told me she didn't become Muslim because of him. Masha'Allah, only Allah knows.

Anyway, we begin to talk about how he thinks she would be a good friend for me and how much she wants to be a part of a family.  She wants everything we want.  To live rural, have a farm, raise goats and so on.  Again, he tells me all this after he has said he has some hesitations.  He mentions her having 4 kids and some of the things that she has done in the past that were not very pleasing.  I explained to him that kids are a blessing, and that when we got to together I had 2.  I also explained that we all have done things in our past that wouldn't be very pleasing to Allah.  Now although, I was skeptical about this woman from his past I trusted my husband and didn't really feel that I really had any say in who he marries, although he said it was my wife.  The things he mentioned, I could relate to because like I said, I had 2 children.  I had my son right out of high school, when I though I was in love, but was making irresponsible decisions.  My daughter was a product of rape while I was in the military, supposedly on my way to making a better life for myself and my son.  So there are things that I am not very happy about, and I wouldn't necessarily want to be judged on.

Moving along, this woman moves here.  My husband and myself go down and move her.  When we go down her children are very excited to meet my husband in person.  Their mother had talked a lot about him.  My reception was a little stand offish, and the focus was more on my husband.  My youngest son also came on the trip, who was 16 at the time.  On the way back my husband drove her moving van with one of her sons.  He explained to our son that he was just trying to get to know her son and show them how to be men.  she has 3 boys and 1 girl that live with her. She has 3 other children that are grown.  They all know my husband, due to my husband playing uncle as he puts it.  Skipping along, she gets settled in her new place.  Now, her and my husband have been in constant contact regarding housing, setting up bank accounts, schools and so forth.  At first, things were cool.  I felt as long as I was putting in more effort in trying to be friends.  She would bring her family over for Sunday dinner, but they wouldn't eat, and made things awkward. I told my husband that I felt that was disrespectful and very inconsiderate.  So he put a stop to it.  Although my husband said that he voiced his concern in the matter, she felt it was me just not wanting her over.  We tried talking on the phone, but she would repeat things she had already said before, or talk to me about something her and my husband had talked about.  She would get information from him and then try to talk to me about it.  Which made me feel a little uncomfortable, because I knew she had to have gotten the information from him because her and I had not discussed it, or how would she know that and I hadn't told her.  I again, expressed my concern with my husband.  I felt that she couldn't really have a conversation with me on her own.  Again, my husband said that he would stop telling her anything about me and make her find out on her own.

Needless to say our conversation lacked any substance.  It was almost like she was just throwing things out there to say that she was trying.  Now before she came down she had lots of questions and she talked a lot more about random things. Anyway, over time I began to get tired of the lack of conversations, lack of visits, and efforts to get to know me better.  I didn't feel that I needed to do all the work.  I felt she should want to find out more things about me, but she was I guess okay with knowing more about my husbands daily routine and everything dealing with him.  I should have known, because they had a relationship shortly before I came in the picture.  He said that he wasn't interested in her as a wife, but they kept in touch with each other over the years.  My husband keeps in touch with a lot of women.  All of these women wanting to have a relationship with him.  He says that he always mentions me and that he is married, but why would they care if they are still getting their attention needs met by him, and conversations and texts. He said that he is just being a friend and talking with them about their problems.  Whatever, it's between them and Allah.

However, our relationship begins to sour.  I had made several attempts to express my frustrations, but she always put them off on me and complained to my husband that she was trying.  Now, my husband would give me advice regarding things as well.  He told me to back off and let her do some of the work.  He also agreed that she was not really put in a full effort to establish a friendship.  Some how when her and I would talk, she would make statements like "I know you have your moods" or "you have an attitude" all in hopes to push everything on me.  It's my fault.  The situation began to stress me out, so I told my husband I needed a break.  Now he continued to talk to her, go over her house, manage her kids and so forth.  I was irritated because I started to believe he believed it to be my fault as well.  Like they were both giving me time to get myself together.  Now, this was a situation my husband said he didn't want to be bothered with, but he brought her to me.  He also said that if things didn't work, then they just didn't work, but yet I feel he was still acting as her support system even though they were not married.

Now it has been several months, and I have caught him over her house, going to stores, and at his job.  He tells me that it's always, she needs to talk or he was dropping mail off.  We use to share a PO Box, but he told her to get her own.  Now when I go pick up the mail, I ask the counter person to place her mail in her box that was in our mail when I picked it up.  But my husband feels he has to hand deliver it.  She couldn't make conversations with me, but has a lot to talk about to my husband.  If the kids need anything they call him.  Now we were suppose to be aunt and uncle until he decided whether or not he wanted to marry her.  He goes over to show them how to cut grass, and just chit chat.  Has them do things for him, and even took the oldest one out to put in job applications.  He didn't even do that for our son.  Of course, this is all under showing them how to be men.  This is also from someone that said they didn't want to be that involved.  Anyway, I finally get to the advice.  Due to all that has gone on, and my feelings of my husband taking her side and not understanding my feelings I am at a place that I want a divorce.  My husband recently said that I was the one that asked her to come down here, which is not true.  I feel that he is putting all the blame on me because of how the relationship between her and I are.  Even to the point he voices concern over our kids thinking he brought her down here.  I'm not sure if he understands the seriousness of this matter or not.  I have asked for us to talk to someone, but he still states he can't find anyone.  So this is why I am reaching out. What should I do regarding my relationship with my husband.  I am not interested in having a friendship with this woman, and I don't like the how he has handled the situation.  He now even refuses to talk about it with me.  Please help.

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22 Responses »

  1. OP: My husband and I were in the process of picking a co-wife. This woman was from his past and he said she needed help. He also told me that he was skeptical because he was tired and him and this woman's past was not all that great. She contacted him and asked him if she could be a part of his family.

    Why do you need a co-wife? I think you should get the kids of co-wife checked for DNA to see if your husband's DNA matches with theirs.

    Did your husband get his citizenship by marrying you?

  2. If he wants to marry her, let him. And stay away from their marriage. It his marriage to her. Not yours to her. If you want to be friends, then have a relationship with her that's independent from your husband. Stop discussing him with her as it will grow jealousy between the both of you.

  3. Assalamualaikum sister,

    Wow, there's pretty much a lot in that story of yours. But this is very unique, very rarely heard of. I have never heard of any wife asking for a "co-wife". Usually, women are known as the more jealous one out of the two genders, although men are permitted to marry 4 wives, it isn't usually the wife asking for it.hehe. Anyway, looking at your entire story, it kind of looks like yes, you brought the problem on yourself.

    I understand your plight for communication and friendship with a woman who would be easy to talk to. But I think it wasn't sensible to bring in someone your husband was previously connected with. It screamed "DANGER!!" right when you decided to do so. But what you did here was unknowingly done, I mean you definitely didn't see it coming. But that "co-wife" of yours seems very shrewd and sly to me. Like in those dramas, where they act all nicey nice and try to make you look bad in front of your husband and to win his heart. Because even if this woman was genuinely nice, no wait, no nice woman would want to steal another woman's husband who invited her over with wide arms and just break their marriage.

    Plus I don't think you should stay away from their life and just let them get married. It's your marriage. Your house. Your husband. And I don't believe he's permitted to marry her if she can't keep the first one happy.

    “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

    And you very well know you won't be happy if he marries the other one and spends most of the time with her.Because even now that he's not married, you already feel belittled and lack of his attention. So I believe it's not going to turn out well considering the type of guy your husband is. Speaking of him, I feel sorrow for your husband as well since none of the children in both of the houses are his. I don't feel like he has strong fatherly instincts for your kids.

    "My husband keeps in touch with a lot of women. All of these women wanting to have a relationship with him"

    You're so naive though. Why do you allow your husband to keep in touch with so many women? You honestly sound like you're okay if your husband goes out there doing crap with women in the name of "helping" them. Come on now love, you're not that childish. He's a dude. No Muslim man goes out and keeps in touch with a lot of women if he has a wife (hell, even if he doesn't have a wife) and no wife should be okay with it!! Like honestly stop!! You're literally hammering your own foot. Don't just say " Whatever, it's between them and Allah". Please don't be so easily tilted by his words. You say Islam is very dear to his heart, then why would he run off to other women to "help" them without listening to your approval or what you have to say?

    And now to what I think is best if you do is go back to square one. Remember the time when the woman and her kids weren't there?? Remember the time you were happily married with your husband and 2 kids?? Yes, you do. Now just ask her to go back to where she came from. Talk to your husband about this. And if she really needs help and money. Give her money and ask her to start a small business so she can feed herself and her kids. Or refer to her to a social centre that provides single mother support or better, find a suitable single dad spouse for her. Plenty of fishes in the sea but don't give your fish off because no one better than you knows if you can deal with it or not.

    Plus if you're really THAT lonely without a female friend, I don't believe you live in a desert surrounded by camels, do you?? Find a friend at your workplace, or someone in your community or even online!! There are amazing women out there waiting to befriend you WITHOUT any intent of snatching away your husband.

    And you already went through pregnancy at such a young age, and then rape(that's not your fault), now try your best not to make a mistake this time, okay? Focus a lot on your salah and keep asking Allah for guidance. Make an effort to wake up during Tahajjud time and cry your heart out to Allah and He will definitely listen.

    Take care hun. All my prayers and love go out to you.

    -VainTheGirl

  4. Okay I don't really get it IS YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT TO MARRY SOMEONE ELSE? A SECOND WIFE??
    OF COURSE YOU HAVE A SAY IN IT, HIS MARRIAGE WITH HER WON'T BE HALAL IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO IT, ISLAM HAS GIVEN YOU THAT RIGHT. You said 'islam is very dear to his heart' then why does he know 'a lot of women'? What business he has there? And btw a man needs to have a very valid reason to get married to another woman or have two wives and there are certain conditions he needs to meet AND HE HAS TO TREAT BOTH EQUALLY AND FAIRLY. Honestly, hold on tight to your husband, you need to hold on to the leash, age must be getting to him or something.

    • Can we not advice false information please. A man can marry another woman as he please as long as there wasn't a condition set before they married. He doesn't really need a valid reason, all he needs is to be ready to provide for her and her family and the energy.

      • I'm sorry but you're quite wrong. Being a strong feminist and a Muslim girl, I'm going to have to correct you.

        Yes, polygamy is permitted. And yes he can marry the other woman as he pleases. But let me quote Surah Nisaa on this situation again:

        (“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

        And you very well know you won't be happy if he marries the other one and spends most of the time with her.Because even now that he's not married, you already feel belittled and lack of his attention. So I believe it's not going to turn out well considering the type of guy your husband is.)

        What do you mean by he doesn't need a valid reason?? He doesn't only need to be ready to provide as a man but he needs to treat them equally as a husband. Yeah maybe it's not obligatory but it no way permits men to go out of their way and their first wife's approval to marry any girl. And especially in this case of the sister. Neither will she be happy nor her "co-wife". There will be an atmosphere filled with complaints and jealousy if they don't work it out. Shaitan will find a place in their house. Very rarely polygamy marriages work out between the other wives. I'm not saying that men don't go for polygamy. Many do, especially most of the Arab families and sheikhs here in Dubai where I live. But the men need to be very very cautious about money, house and the separate needs of each individual wife.

        The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows:

        “It is not obligatory for the husband if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

        I personally believe many men fail to treat them equally (I'm speaking on a general scale) and this results in hatred and jealousy amongst women and depression and etc which affects their A'maal and makes them question their self-worth. Women are generally weak and sensitive. That's how Allah created us.

        Of course, polygamy marriages do work. There are also women willing to cooperate along with others to create a successful household. But in this case, I don't think the first wife would be happy...

        Sierra hasn't given out any false information, brother Ahmed. She is just expressing her shock just as I was upon reading her story. But the marriage will be HALAL regardless since it's not obligatory to ask the first wife's permission but yes, the first wife DOES have a say in this.

        Salam 🙂

        • Salam VainTheGirl,

          Ahmed has a point. This statement:
          "HIS MARRIAGE WITH HER WON'T BE HALAL IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO IT,"
          is not true. The first wife does not need to consent for the marriage to occur.

          Your statement, "...the first wife DOES have a say in this" is not true. There is no legal requirement from Allah that I am aware of, that would allow a say from the first wife. Do you have proof that shows that Allah does grant first wives a say in who their husbands marry as their second wife? If so, can you please present it so that I can learn from it.

          The only thing a first wife can do is divorce her husband. This means for the husband polygamy becomes a gamble. He may get a second wife at the cost of the first and be back down to just one wife with issues with his kids from the first marriage.

          • Salam M,

            Hope you're doing well 🙂

            Yes I do agree on what Ahmed said and I added this to my comment as well

            "But the marriage will be HALAL regardless since it's not obligatory to ask the first wife's permission"

            When I say the wife has a say in this, I don't mean it in a way that the wife can stop her husband and make it haram for him. I mean it in the way that she has some human rights to speak her heart out on what she wants it in a certain way i.e the wife may ask for a separate house to live in or may ask for a divorce if she doesn't want a co-wife. And then based on her wants, the husband can sort out the issue. Some husbands may cancel the plan of remarrying if the first decides to divorce or becomes emotionally sensitive. So, the wife's say may manipulate the man's decision.

            Moreover, I do believe that as a human she deserves to speak and express herself on how she feels about more spouses for her husband. Sure she won't make it haram for him if she says no, but for emotional pour out she can definitely share how she feels with her husband.

            That's all that my "say" meant. I mentioned in my previous comment as well that it's not obligatory to abide by the wife's approval.

            Jazakallahu Khair

        • Gurllll ❤ I don't really have anything to say, you've said it all. xxx
          But just because I like being extra, here's a bit of copy-paste: A man intending to marry for the second time needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her.
          Dear OP, maybe if you express to your husband your extreme (also non-existent) distaste of bringing another wife to the picture, he might just back off. Unfortunately there is indeed no shariah law based on having the consent of the first wife upon second marriage but first or second, MARRIAGE IS STILL A BIG DECISION and it can change one's life. That being said, it is your duty to tell him to think twice before making the decision and maybe advice him against it while you're it at it...
          She's not even married to your husband (I hope I'm right) and yet CAUSING SO MUCH FITNAH. I'm still not sure if they've gotten married or not, maybe I know it deep down but just in denial at the moment.
          I really wish I could edit my comment above though, I was very disrespectful.
          Assalam O Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraqatuh.

        • If you agree with what I said then why did you say this "I'm sorry but you're quite wrong. Being a strong feminist and a Muslim girl, I'm going to have to correct you." ? You are contradicting yourself. By the way , everything that I said was correct.

          A man does not need the permission of his first wife. And also Islam does allow humans to express their feelings or whatever so please don't make Islam look like a religion that doesn't care. A woman has a right to set a condition before she marries the man which could be no polygamous marriage. That would prevent the man from marrying another woman.

          You don't need to be a feminist as Islam makes it equal for both genders. Lets not become cancerous to the Muslim community please.

          Kind regards,
          The correct man

          • Why are you so obstinate about being right brother?/? It's okay to make mistakes. We make mistakes, learn from it and move on. That's the process of growing up. So quit acting like a child and misinterpreting everything I say and get along with your life.

            Plus I didn't make any mistake in here and neither am I self-contradicting my statement. I want you to read EVERYTHING I or anyone wrote twice at least before commenting.

            Yes I do agree on what Ahmed said and I added this to my comment as well

            "But the marriage will be HALAL regardless since it's not obligatory to ask the first wife's permission"

            I only agreed on ONE valid point you made. I don't believe the rest of your opinion and neither am I forced to take your point into account. Plus I did stress that Islam does allow women to express their feelings and give their approval--that is, if only you bothered to read my comment properly.

            I am a feminist and that's where I stand. Nowhere in Islam does it say that being a feminist is wrong. I stand up for women where I NEED to, otherwise, I just sit down there like a good girl munching on my bread. And I don't think me standing up for women, who are stereotypically considered weak, makes me cancerous to the Muslim community.

            I urge you to re-read everything before commenting on it.

            Kind regards,

            To err is human

  5. What a messy and dysfunctional family. The man and the mothers, as individuals, seem to have issues enough on their own...and then you expect a family unit TOGETHER to work out? lol.

    1) You have totally misunderstood what polygamy is all about. Polygamy is not the same as having a threesome, foursome or fivesome...and that's how you're viewing and treating polygamy. Islamically speaking, you and his other wife or wives should not have anything to do with one another, let alone live together and be friends. And this is the reason why: Because most of the time, women that are married to the same man just can't get along, or they talk too much together about the same man and reveal details about their marriage to that man that will upset the other woman or women. So do yourself a favour and get rid of the idea that you should have a threesome with your husband and this other woman...that you should somehow be friends with your husband's wife, and that you need to third wheel THEIR marriage. It has got NOTHING to do with you! Stop having phonecalls with your husband's wife as if she's your best friend, stop inviting this woman and her children over to your house for Sunday dinners, stop meddlign in how the other woman's children behave, and stop making your husband's family life with his other wife YOUR project.

    2) What were you even thinking, encouraging or supporting your husband and getting married to someone else?! If you live in a Western country, polygamy is most likely illegal...and as good Muslims (something you claim your husband very much is), you should know that it's your duty to respect the laws of the country you live in.

    • " good Muslims (something you claim your husband very much is)," .. well that was kinda expected from you Lindita. Even when the man has done nothing wrong , you just have to blame him some how. Your whole third paragraph is invalid. For one , you don't know which country they live in and two, some western places do allow.

      However - I agree with your second paragraph. I think this woman is really trying to force a relationship which isn't really wanted by the other party. I find her to be needy and desperate because of how she's all up in the business of her husband and the other woman. She needs to man up and tell him straight up that she doesn't want him to have another woman and if he rejects then she should just move on or leave him.

      • It's sad how I don't wanna write back again to brother Ahmed, but I can't fight back the urge hehe.

        I just wanna say this one thing.

        I really request you to read the sister's story top to bottom once again.

        Yes, the husband has done something wrong, not one but quite many. And it's not like Lindita is a sexist and puts men down in all of her comments. The sister's husband keeps in touch with "a lot" of women and visits this so-called "co-wife" who isn't even married to him. The worst part is, all of this is done when the sister as a spouse is not happy with any of it.

        Plus, I just want to clarify that the husband and the "co-wife" are NOT MARRIED. So, yes the questioner sister has every right to involve herself in the case of her husband and the "co-wife"

        I've been using the word "co-wife" so much it sounds weird to me because I have never heard that word XD

        • VainTheGirl,
          Sadly, many Muslim men think women bash or hate them if they have any criticism of them, or if women don't accept ALL blame for the problems that may exist between themselves and their husbands, or whatever. Which is just ridiculous, but I can't say that I give a damn, lol. If Muslim men want to behave like little offended snowflakes, that's their issue, not mine. It's not going to stop me from criticizing them if there's something to criticize them for. Just like I criticize women when they do something that needs to be criticized.

        • Suprise !! You got me...

          I am not going to lie. I did assume that he was with her since he was spending time with her etc. The fact that the married sister was okay with it and also tried to become friends with her, also lead to my assumption.

          In this case , the man is at fault and is responsible for the problem within their marriage. What he is doing is completely wrong. However, i don't think him wanting to marry again is wrong. Inshallah god will lead him back to the straight path and make his marriage with the second woman easy.

          Anyways , thanks sister who can't fight her urge. thanks for correcting me. Let this be the last time you ever correct me cause I will make sure not to make any mistake.

          • brother Ahmed,

            The sisters husband is having interactions with 'many' women who are not his wife/wives,
            he is also visiting womens homes who are again not his wife/wives,

            Pologamy has nothing to do with this situation, this man isn't pologamous,
            he is simply a zani, someone who has unlawful relationships, forbidden by Allah,

            we must be careful to not tarnish the practice of pologamy by allowing sinful men to engage in haram relationships and 'correct them' with pologamy, this is not how Muslim men get married, this is not how muslim men behave, and this is not behaviour that any muslim man or woman should accept within marriage,

            if a man is not capable of getting himself married in a halal manner, he is not a suitable candidate for marriage let alone pologamy, i really wish that people would think before they suggest that an adulterer should, marry the one who he has sinned with, even while he is already married, can you imagine your spouse having a haram relationship during your marriage, and then marrying the one who he sinned with, pologamy is not meant to disgrace women brother, it is meant to honour them, and there is nothing quite like dishonouring your wife then cheating on her, then marrying the one you cheated on her with now is there,

            now what with all the rest of the women he is having relationships with? shall he marry them all too?

      • So you see nothing wrong with a Muslim man not treating his wives equally? And you see nothing wrong with a Muslim man "seeing many women" that he aren't married to? That's your problem, but in Islam, yes, it's WRONG to behave like that, and the behaviour is NOT of a so-called "good Muslim". If you disagree on that, I urge you to learn more about Islam.

        Also, please enlighten me on which Western countries that allow polygamy. Because I don't know any. And please don't use the example of people having mistresses or "open marriages" as an example. These types of relationships hold no legal water whatsoever in any Western country.

  6. If a man can treat each of his wife happily and equally with respect and commitment so much so that the other wife doesn't feel left out and miserable, then he can. But obviously, by reading your story, i see that there is a huge toxicity in this relationship and either way you both are not happy, and this guy isn't doing anything right. He's only making it worse by going out with another lady who apparently is not his wife. Are you okay with that? He's clearly doing haram, so how is Islam dear to him?

    Remember that this guy is not able to deal justly with you or her, therefore he shouldn't marry her, or stay with you. You have the right to tell him that you are not comfortable in this, and if he sees that there will be big problems in dealing with each wife, then he should keep one wife. As Allah Subhanahuwata'aalah says:

    “… marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them) then marry only one…” (4:3)

    Is he Just with you both? clearly not. He's a picky guy. If he's making you miserable, you have the right to leave the house and file a divorce.

    The prophet Muhammad (salalahu alayhi wasalam) was just with every wife he had. Not a single one of his wife had intense envy and hatred between each other as he would go to each of them and treat them equally and lovingly with respect.

    I can't see any good in this man. He's following his lusts and desires and doing the haram, and then he expects you to follow his tail while he treats his "co-wife" someone more worthy.

    It's a toxic relationship. Remember you have the right to leave him whenever you want.

  7. Sister Kiom,

    In Islam, it is still recommended that the man have only one wife. Yes, technically, he can have more. But the condition under which the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wives were allowed were that there were many widows left after the wars and this was Allah's most beneficient way of remedying that problem. It's not a license for just any man to go out and have 4 wives. Quite the contrary, most men would fail miserably at this. And that's nothing against men, it's just human nature that balancing more than one wife would only be achieved by the best of men, none who could even compare with our prophet.

    So I hope nothing I have said here offends you or goes against what you are comfortable with, but just some things to remember,

    I wish you happiness sister,

    Hugs,

    Nor

  8. Salam sister

    firstly if islam was so dear to your husband sister, he would not have ex girlfriends numbers in his phone, who ring him to give him updates on their life, this is completely Haram, and highly disrespectful to your marriage, and i'm not sure why you do not seem to have a problem with this? nor am i sure why it is that you say, you are aware of the fact your husband is in touch with many women, who are not lawful for him to be in contact with whatsoever, but this is between him and Allah swt? this is a very odd thing to declare see, since ....
    A) islamically it is your duty to advise your husband to stop speaking to women outside of those permissible for him to speak to since it is completely haram

    b) also because Allah has created Male and female in such a way, that if ones spouse is engaging in impermissible relationships, naturally the other spouse would find this bothersome at least to some degree, whereas with yourself it doesn't seem to bother you, neither religiously or emotionally which is an quite an anomaly.

    c) In pologamous marriages, co wives are not generally speaking, 'friends' your desire for your husband to remarry, since you wanted a 'friend' was a very naive thought process to have, firstly, any co wife islamically is not obligated to befriend you, she is the wife of your husband only, and owes you nothing, but to remain cordial with you if you paths do cross, also co wives, naturally struggle to be co wives when their paths DO cross, because of the innate dislike of sharing a spouse, that Allah has created mankind with, therefore holding out for a best friend kind of relationship with any co wife, was naive of you and a very strange way of thinking.

    sister, your husband having such a vested interest in the children of this woman from his past, should have been a red light to you, your husband then being interested in marrying this particular women, should once again have been a red light to you, and as already suggested, it would not be shocking to learn that your husband is in fact the father of these children......
    everything you have stated strongly seems to indicate that this is the case, perhaps you could pursue this matter further with your husband, if he is not interested in marrying this woman, or not sure, why has he established himself as an 'uncle' figure, it is odd you have not asked yourself these questions already, let alone your husband....

    sister, you mentioned some dreadful things that have happened to you in the past, and i am so sorry to hear what you have been through, and i am sorry for what you are going through right now, respectfully sister, do you think that the trauma from your past could potentially have effected your current marriage?
    the reason why i say this sister is, with everything you have told us, its does seems clear that for some reason, you do not seem to understand what behaviours are acceptable within a marriage, let alone within a Muslim marriage/household, therefore you have been unable to set any boundaries with your husband and his dealings with women or hold him accountable for his unacceptable and unislamic behaviour....

    Your husbands relationship with this woman is completely haram, if he was/is interested in remarrying, he is only allowed to converse with this woman or any women in the presence of a male member of this/any womans family, a male member of the family usually the females father, needs to be a Muslim, if she does not have a wali, that the imam at the local mosque of community centre would suffice, and other interactions are forbidden, thus all the relationships with women your husband is having are haram, including his one with this woman, you should tell your husband clearly that his behaviour is haram, if he persists in continuing to pursue these relationships, then leave him, since no good can come from a marriage like this,

    if possible sister, i think you would greatly benefit from confiding with in a fellow muslim sister who fears Allah, do you have a local mosque you can visit to seek out a sister for advice? if not there a some great forums for muslims online, with sisters who post regulary, perhaps you could try the turn to islam forum?

    I wish you all the best

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