Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Proposal accepted by father then rejected!

Righteous Husband

Salam wa aalaykom,

I am 20 years old and I have recently told my father I want to get married to a muslim man I had met. He has refused to let him come and propose to me or even meet him. His reason is that he has been married before, is quite a bit older than me and I must finish my education. I strongly believe that what comes around goes around, my dad married my mum who was 15 years younger than himself and he had 4 kids, her parents didn't want it to happen but he married her anyway! When I've said this to my dad he brushes it off and starts shouting at me saying it is different.

The man I want to marry also doesn't have family in our country so they have come twice from abroad to see my dad and he has changed his mind on those occasions. One of his excuses was "he has to bring a woman with him". He only has his mum who lives abroad, is very old and ill.

A few days ago he finally decided to meet him outside in a coffee shop with one of my step-brothers and the man's family. My dad enjoyed his company and said he accepted the marriage without further questioning. That night he went to my older step-sisters house, who is completely against the man for no reason, and he came back and argued with me and said I will not marry him!

The next day he went to meet him with my other older step brothers to tell him to stay away from me and "beat him up". The man spoke to them very kindly and explained it is not haram to get married even after they called him a paedophile. They insisted he should not get Islam involved when he spoke of the prophet Mohammed Pbuh!

We are a strict Muslim family, however my father keeps on changing his mind which is embarrassing and not fair. He keeps referring to my marriage as a big problem in his life. He said he doesn't want me to get married until he goes and comes back to our country after building our house abroad (he has been building for 3 years, my mum passed away in 2010 so I am looking after my younger brother and sister alone since the age of 17 whilst he lives abroad 10 months of the year with his new wife). I believe he is trying to buy time for himself and wants to keep me unmarried so I can continue looking after everything. I cook, clean, do the shopping, study accounting at university and have a part time job and he doesn't appreciate it. He sides with my step-sister and brother's opinions even though they have never helped me in the situation I have been left in.

What upsets me the most is that he calls me a child and stupid for wanting to get married. Then he uses invalid excuses such as "I don't have money for a wedding now, wait until next year when the house is done and we will do a wedding abroad". I do not want a wedding step-sister got married then had a big wedding 2 years after. My father does not ask me any questions all he does is talk behind my back to everyone, it is like he is too scared! Every time he comes back from seeing the man, he is happy until he speaks to my older sister who poisons his mind and comes back screaming at me.

I have no idea what to do anymore, if his reasons for my marriage were Islamic and acceptable then I would stay away, however they are not which is frustrating. I know you can not marry without your fathers permission, what advice can you give me? I believe the man I want to marry is perfect for me, he is Muslim, has a good job and educated and is dying for my fathers approval.

Thank you.

P.s. my father is also playing mind games with my younger sister by saying she will have to live with my step sister and her husband if I decide to get married. My younger sister is not close to my step sister and keeps crying to me not to go. The man I want to marry also told my dad he will look after my brother and sister as well as myself.


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1 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    On one hand, I can understand why a father could be concerned about a significantly older man expressing an interest in his daughter, particularly if the man and his daughter had known each other prior to this. However, it would still be appropriate for the father to treat the other man politely.

    If you are concerned that your father isn't basing his decision on Islamic principles, you could try to discuss the matter with an imam or a trusted relative whom your father respects - they could then inshaAllah talk with him about this proposal. If your father does not have Islamic grounds for his rejection, an imam may even be able to intervene, if it came to that. In the meantime, it's important that you and the man you wish to marry continue to maintain Islamic limits between you.

    Midnightmoon editor

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