Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Proposal confusion – what should I do?

Righteous Husband

Assalam-o-alikum wa rehmat ullah hi wa barakatuhu.
In the name of Allah,the most gracious,the most merciful.

This post is centered around the problems I am having with a proposal at hand.I am a 29 year old unmarried muslima ,who has been unsuccessful to get a suitable match for a husband uptil now.My parents have been looking for two years and in vain.There were multiple proposals but not solidifies.The proposal is hand is from a good family which we have met ,their son seems ok as regards to education and status,i have no clue about his religious values.but the most upsetting part for me is when I saw him ,I started disliking him instantly .

My parents ,now tired,want to go ahead and say this is the last option I have.i have been praying and fasting for a good spouse and been a few days since I started istikhara dua for this proposal.but I cant seem to get a clear answer.the only disliking I have for him is his appearance and personality and my parents that is not a good enough reason to reject this proposal.

I have been asking Allah to guide me ,but the disliking isn't going away .I have tried arguing with my parents,but I don't want them to suffer anymore.I don't want to anger Allah by turning it down for the sake of my disliking.but I cant l seem to find a solid reason to accept him as a husband.I know it is Allah who knows everything and I should eave everything to him,but I have to give an answer .I am tired now and want to get over with this but I don't want to make a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.I believe I am losing hope and if I accept this proposal then that means all my duas for a suitable spouse were in vain.because I don't like the guy,i might notaccept him as a husband now or after.

I am open to any kind of advise or contribution.Jazakallah khair

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4 Responses »

  1. Salam sister sorry to hear your having a tough time. With all due respect to your parents who I know are trying to help you, but the ultimate decision of who you marry is yours. They can advise but they really should not be forcing you to marry this brother. If your not attracted to him, and don't like his personality then how are you going to spend an entire life time with him? It will cause problems in your marriage because you won't be happy and to be honest as a result nor will he. It's also not fair on hjm, imagine how hurt he will be if after marriage he realises that your not attracted to him and you don't like his personality - those are two fundamental aspects of a persons identity. Don't settle because your having a hard time finding a good match. I understand how frustrating it is for parents when they want you to marry and they think someone is good for you but you reject them. But at the end of the day if your really not happy with the proposal reject it, be kind to your parents and make them understand that your not happy with the proposal. Remain patient - you will never find someone who is completely perfect and has evrythjng your looking for but inshaallah someone who you feel your compatible with and can imagine being married to and seeing everyday. If I was in your position I would respectfully reject this proposal.

  2. Assalamualaikum sister,
    I completely agree with sister bucks, also you have been reciting isthikharaa and the dislike feeling is still there Then I think you should follow your gut feeling.
    If even the thought of marrying him is putting you off then how can you force yourself to be his wife your whole life. And like sis bucks said its not fair on him either. He has a right to marry a woman who actually wants to marry him not just because he is a last resort.
    Make duaa to Allah that He gives you enough strenght to confront your parents because its better you say no now than after its too late.
    Take care I will make duaa for you.

  3. Aoa sister,

    I generally agree with the above two answers that if you dont like the person then how could be a good wife to him and getting no clear sign from istekhara is confusing.

    Additionally, I like to point out that in some cases, people set very high ideals for themselves and are content at no less than a dream guy/girl. At times this discontent is coming from the comparison with our social group, e.g., i cannot have a bald husband, all of my friends will think that I have settled for less than what I deserve etc.

    So where exactly is the dislike coming from is it his physical appearance or his mannerism. I think the most important thing to ask is would this person be a good husband to you otherwise what good is a brad pitt look-a-like if he cant support you and comfort you. If the dislike is coming from his mannerism then it will take time and willingness on his part to improve.

    Secondly, as they say "perfect is the enemy of good", you have to ask yourself for how much longer can you wait for the perfect guy. Sometimes, we have to craft perfection out of something that is a bit raw, can you see that happening, may be the poor guy just needs just needs a bit of nurturing. Keep in mind that cultural dynamics as well as biological circumstances of a person change with age, but please do not force a decision on to yourself just because of the people.

    In 2-3 years the superficial factors fade away and all that is left with is the quality of your relationship. I think if you identify the root cause of your dislike then you might be able to address it better. I suggest that do
    istekhara for 7 days and if the feeling persists then just walk away, inshaAllah, HE must have planned something better for you.


  4. Assalam alaikum,

    There is great advice above.

    I will add that although you have no clue what his religious values are - that is going to play a significant role in marriage. Looks can change, but the way a person upholds value of their deen can make a person more "beautiful" or more "ugly" regardless of their outer appearance.

    Listen to your parents' view, investigate more, pray Isthikhara, and don't get married if you are not comfortable after doing all those things.

    May Allah help you towards a good decision, Ameen.

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