Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Punishment for abusive husband?

Crying Muslim Woman

My husband looks at other women, whether they be muslim or non muslim.

if a woman goes by with shorts and tank top he is sure to look at her. Also, slutty songs that come in movies, he watches them. He flirts with other girls, and when I tell him not to he gets mad at me and says I am always suspicious.

I try to explain to him that he should lower his gaze, cause it says that in the quran, but he doesn't. He also does not treat me well. He makes me cry everyday, swears at me, makes me distant from my friends and family. He says there is no need to go see my family more than once a week (we live close about 20 minutes away from my family). He treats my parents like they should be grateful to him. He always tells me that he could get a better wife and that I am not performing my duties. I work part time and I go to college full time. I cook three times a day and do all the household chores with no help from him. He can't even pick up the glass he drank out of. Yet after everything I do he states I am a horrible wife. Whenever he calls me I go to him, but when I am in need of him he never comes or ignores me. He even started to make fun of me in public. my family does not like him and neither do my friends.

I don't know what to do. I want to get a divorce but I am scared. He said he won't give me divorce even if I leave him. He is barely home, he works 7 days a week (its a choice, the company doesn't require you to work more than 5 days a week, I used to work in the same company so I know the way things work at the place). I often feel lonely at home.

I used to try to kill myself, but failed to. Due to this he says I am mentally ill and I need to go see the Doctor. I did go see the doctor and the doctor said that my husband is at fault and that they would get social services to come if problems persist, so I got scared and never went back to the doctor in fear that social services will come to my house. He won't let me continue my education after this year and I am scared. He doesnt even provide for me, sometimes he will buy me clothes, but only if he likes them. If I want to go somewhere he does not allow me to, says it's too much money for gas. He barely lets me spend on my family.

I used to pray to God to help bring us closer and make us happy. But now I don't see that ever happening. Now I just hope he will get punished for all the pain he has caused me. Is there no punishment for man?


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16 Responses »

  1. All cruel husbands will get punished in this life, in grave and on the day of judgment by the Grace of Allah all mighty!

  2. Sister,

    The best advice I can give you is to leave him if he doesn't change. Have you tried speaking to him? The way he is to you is harming you? You should try to have one more go trying to change him if he does not then leave sister. You will not be doing anything wrong if you divorce but you will be doing wrong if you stay with a man who will harm you and your kids/ future kids. Allah (swt) does not want his servants to get harmed, in fact if you are staying with him you are also causing him to continually make major sins by harming you.

    Sister, I have been in the same position as you, my ex husband mentally tormented me- he continually screamed, abused and threatened me over the littlest things- I stayed with him 7 years, and i have tried many things to change him and make our relationship better. But nothing worked- he would temporarily be nice but then go back to his oldself again. Sister, some men are like that and will never change so i decided to leave him- sister i am much better! My days are full of happiness again, i feel free and joyful, I am normal like how i was before i to married to him, my depression, anxiety and low self-esteem are all gone.

    It is all up to you sister, I hope you are not in depression or in sever form, when I had it in marriage I actually asked Allah to take my soul a few times because i felt i was not good enough to carry on with this life, I felt it would be better dying in this marriage then getting a divorce. But asking for death is very haraam, little did i know then. I hope Allah gives me a long life. I realise now how bad my mental state was, sister save your ownself, you mind, your body- because if you are letting them being abused they will tell Allah you did not take care of them either. If you are haven gang form of sever depression, you should leave before it gets worse and get some help.

    I ask Allah to help you, I know you wrote this a while back, but may Allah help you my sister, I know what it feels like it is not a nice place, every single day is horrible very horrible and you heart is crushing, you feel like your body is dying sometimes- it is horrible. Keep praying to almighty Allah, he will bring justice and will give you his mercy. Have faith in him. Ameen.

    • Salaam sister,
      I just read your reply. And I don't know what to say, I'm in a situation you described for yourself. I've been married for 3 years and I'm tired of the mental torture my husband puts me through. He also mistreats me and in a way punishes me if things are not his way for the littlest things even if he is wrong, and never wants to talk or solve matters. It makes me feel very miserable. But when his angry subsides and mood is back to normal (which take days to week) he becomes so good as though nothing happened. And all this is too frequent.
      I'm very depressed and just cannot tolerate, it's as if u have no say. It's all good if I blindly follow him.
      I want to leave but at the same time I'm also scared of the repercussions of separation, and worried what if the good memories haunt me, how will I forget all that. I'm not feeling strong enough to take this decision but I'm also tired of my life. He doesn't respect or trust me..

      Please sister tell me how did u come out of it. How did u separate and how did u get yourself together.. I'm all broken now and I feel I will be more broken after ending the marriage. By the way my parents are all in my support in whatever I decide, there is no pressure of any sort from them.. It's me who is worried in both ways, in the marriage and also out of the marriage.

      • Assalam Alaikum. My father always says it is easier to move a mountain than to change someone's character. Take it from one who has had 23 long, lonely, unhappy years where you spend too many days wishing for death, You have no kids, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO STAY. Get out and don't look back. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left him. All the signs were there but my family kept telling me that that men change when they have a child, they become more human when they see their children's faces. That is BS. Mine has 2 daughters and flirts with women in front of them. Yet if I speak nicely to the kids' teachers, that is considered ffirting and I am "ready to open my legs to them." I beg every childless woman in a bad marriage to get out. If you think you are shaming your parents, as I did, they have not seen 10% of my pain, my tears, the nights I spend awake, the days and nights I spend sitting in the dark staring at nothing. They are in their own house living their life and my life as well as the life of my children is ruined and in tatters. I will never forgive my mother for convincing me that things would get better over time and that the first few years are the hardest. All the signs were there that I had a bad man but I thought he would see that I was sincere and he would change. My foolishness has ruined the lives of three people. Please please get out of these marriages. I cannot say it enough.

    • You are advising wrong to her... This is not the way to deal a necca... necca is a subject of husband and wife... both have equal rights... and remember always mistakes happen with humans.. everyones behaviour,attitude, thinking, tongue, color, love is not same... is this that simple just by reading few lines from one side we advise for divorce...???? where is our ummah heading because of few people like you...I cant say even go and advise this to your sister... any how you have to change your thinking.... i stead of breaking try to do fixing....Thank you

  3. Salaams,

    If a mental health professional feels that the situation is serious enough to have social services involved, that is very telling. You seem to be aware that things are not as they should be, but maybe you don't realize how unhealthy the relationship really is.

    Everything in your post indicates you are unhappy and wish that things could be totally different. You know your rights are being denied, and he is being unreasonable to you. Have you considered maybe that an intervention by social services may be exactly what's needed to help things get to a better place?

    They may be able to offer support and counseling to help you two work out the marital problems. Or, if things are beyond help, they can help you become independent and start doing the things you need and want to without him controlling all the details of your life.

    Marriage is supposed to be peaceful, loving and comforting. The relationship you describe sounds disturbing, suffocating and depressing. It's affected you to the point where you feel there is no escape but suicide, and are clearly depressed. Sister, it doesn't have to be that way. There are options, and you don't need to keep living this if you don't want to. However, if you don't take action or try to see what resources are available (going back to see a mental health professional would be one obvious choice), then that means you are essentially accepting this level of existence for yourself- though you don't deserve it.

    -Amy Editor

  4. I hope you are well.
    Sister you said your husband works 7 days/ wk and barely home then why you have to cook 3 times per day.
    Do you have any one else from your in laws to attend to?

    It sounds from post that you both as couple are on opposite side of spectrum regarding personalities and behavior .
    Your husband appears BULLY type.
    You on other hand are sensitive and emotional with tendency to opt for suicide in stress.

    You might gain some wisdom by involving patents but you said they don't like him so their opinion will be biased.

    It will be hard to stabilize this relationship unless he changes his behavior towards you and you also strengthen yourself emotionally .
    I would suggest muslim marriage counseling but will be useless as 99% of times people donot make effort to make an appointment for it.
    There are online lectures for muslim marital counseling that couple should listen together . Your husband who suffers with grandiosity might not agree to this either.

    Don't over burden yourself with home chores too much. If you both are alone then once a week cleaning is enough, cook every 2-3 days and freeze. He is barely home any way. Laundry twice a week will do.
    You can utilize this time in taking extra credits in school to speed up your degree. No need to feel lonely as you will hardly have time from studies.

    You cannot make him lower his gaze . Try to ignore his habit. It's adding to arguments between you. Many men just cannot help their starring habit.

    If he is wrong STAND UP For yourself against this bullying .

  5. First of all, I generally don't understand why women and men are always advised to talk to their parents when there is a problem in their marriage. We are not exactly 13 years old, people can't rely on their mommy and daddy to take care of everything for them. Parents, unfortunately, don't live forever, who do people rely on if their parents are no longer in this world and they have gotten used to running to them at every sign of a problem? I agree it's a good idea to sometimes involve a 3rd party, but parents are honestly not the best people to choose as 3rd parties. They're always going to be biased and favour the interests of their own child rather than look at the entire picture and take a fair stance. Or, if they are bad parents, they are just going to do and say what's best for themselves.

    Anyway, to the OP:

    1) It's NOT your job to cook, clean and generally serve your husband like you are his house maid. And he is certainly not entitled to make his wife his own little personal servant. It's great if the wife WANTS to do nice things for her husband, such as cooking and cleaning for him, but, islamically, you are not obligated to do any of that.

    2) What is HE doing that makes him SUCH a great husband? Ask him that.

    3) Unless your husband is a psychiatrist, he has absolutely no authority or knowledge to diagnose your mental health. Why are you even taking his "diagnosis" of you seriously? You listen to your doctor, not someone who has no degree and specialization in human health.

    4) It seems to me like you haven't and don't set clear boundaries with your husband at all. And because you haven't and don't do that, your husband now thinks you have none. You let your husband get away with everything he does wrong, and even let him walk all over you when he is the one who gores at women, emotionally abuses you and disrespects you. There is a saying that goes, "how can you expect to be respected by others if you don't even respect yourself?". That's just spot on. People will only treat you as badly as you allow them to treat you. If you truly want to see a change in your husband's behaviour and attitude you need to shake him up and make him realize you don't tolerate being his wife for any price. So what if he says he won't give you divorce? Luckily, islam has taken men like that in to account and you, as a woman, do have options in getting a divorce anyway. However, I would suggest you try to install some boundaries first to give your husband a fair chance of changing for the better. How you do that, I don't know, because I obviously don't know the personality of your husband and what gets through to him. But you can try a few different tactics you think your husband would respond to. Preferably something quite drastic When you hae let him get away with so much for so long, the small gestures won't make a difference at this point. It needs to be something that will wake this guy up.

  6. I believe that man is given more relaxation as compared to his wife because of the fact that he has to work a lot harder and also interact with a tough environment(Boss, Colleagues and Junior) in order to earn for his wife and children.

    On the other hand a wife has to just deal with just her husband and kids. It should be much easier for wife to resist temptation as she can avoid the opposite sex company easily by staying at home. For man it is relatively harder because of constant interaction with other people(male/female alike).

    From your description of your husband attitude it appears that he is having a hard time juggling between martial responsibility and work life.

    It will be a test of your leadership as a hosuse wife to make him realize the problems of his attitude and also to help him balance the work and family life.

    One suggestion is to have weekday fun party or a trip to some relaxing place with your husband in order to involve him with family life. Also as discussed in other posts advice from the elders of the family should also be sought regarding this matter.

    • What planet do you live on. I work in a company and then have to do everything my husband doesn't provide everything for is it easy for us..we ha e to look after the children ..and a dictator of a husband who sulks all the time....had it up to here with people saying its easier for brother that's why Allah has put jannat below our feet as we have a difficult job....

      • asalam aleykum,
        I agree with you sister. Its not always easier for men. What a foolish justification that a man has it harder to lower their gaze because if watever reason. If it were the other way ariund, people would be badly talking about women. Anyways im in a similar situation. My husband works comes home, eats, plays ps4, smokes hookah, sleep n repeat. For me Its waking up early for prayers,school, work, fixing meals, cleaning, cooking, attending the husband, kids, and any other things that suddenly pop up.He never takes me out or gives me money for anything. But they want a nice looking wife all the time.. its impossible! Heck if i had an option i would work instead of being at home following the same routine daily and for someone not to appreciate.! Im tired of hearing that a woman should sit and talk “nicely in a calm lovable manner” to the husband when when he isnt doing his duties, or flirting, not lowering his gaze or when hes being abusive verbally, emotionally or physically. I mean they are grown man. The wife is not the mother, Islam teaches everything to be a good husband if they really wanted to be. Now a days it seems like men want to be more oppressive with wifes. But it shouldnt be that way. Our prophet (saw) was not like that. Most men need to grow up if not dont get married!

      • Finally a woman with honer not a house pet provided the only problem in islam is the man who make it look like woman arw pets that they can abuse like.things woman rise we are teaching our daughters to be pets and our sons abusive cheating wife beaters Alllah will not allow this stop them from.using religion interpreted by them to.beat ans abuse its wrong

  7. Sister,

    Talk with your parents about what is going on within your marriage and do not stay silent. If your husband makes you cry daily, swears at you and keeps you from your friends and family, it sounds to me as though he is insecure in who he is. For some men, it is all about the need to control their wives. You can have a loving marriage with mutual respect without the need to control.

    I strongly suggest you and your husband sit down and if possible have a third party such as your father and his father present. Discuss some of the things that are going on in your marriage such as your husbands blatant disrespect of you, the swearing and so forth. Make it clear that you cannot continue to live this way. See what his reaction is and if you are able to get anywhere at all with him.

    Why is it that your husband does not want you to continue your education after this year? Does he not wish the best for you? Was he not aware when you married that you were in college? Is this something new for him? Please don't consider harming yourself or ending your life over something you can control. You do not need to stay in an abusive marriage and he does not control you in that regards.

    The only thing that you can do is try your very best. Sometimes even then it is never enough. Only you know what is going on in your home. You can either tolerate the abuse, get family involved, or end things peacefully. It really is that simple. You have family near you for support and that in itself is a blessing.


  8. I can understand exactly what you are going through. And i have found myself wondering why these type of people are not punished and why am being punished all the time. It feel if i do any small mistake im punished but these people commit major sins without fear of Allah swt get away with it and live in content while making others miserable. Despite all the advice to be patient it is really hard to be patient when you feel like your life is being sucked out of you.i was reading the advice of a scholar he wrote that have patience and that the husband should not be doing this. To me that advice was useless and rather stupid. Because of course we know what a husband should and should not be doing and the problem is they are not doing it.When a husband shows interest in other women the wife is advised to look more attractive and appealing. On the other if a wife did the same i doubt that the husbands course of action would be to look more attractive. I find people always make excuses for mens behaviour but women are taken to task more easily for mistakes. They can get away with things in this world sister but we all have to stand before Allah swt on the day of judgement. The best we can do follow the path of Quran and Sunnah and keep preparing ourselves for the hereafter because we are all accountable for our deeds in front of Allah swt. I look at couples who are happy and i feel envy why dont i have family like that.But then i realise that those who are mentioned in the Quran had lives full of hardship. The Prophets pbut were tested and they went through so much hardship so what makes us think we will have a rosy journey. Read the stories of Aasiya R.A and Maryam R.A and the wife of the Prophet pbuh and the hardships they went through. Try all possible means to make your marriage work and if your husband changes then Alhamdulillah and if he shows no interest in working to make the marriage work please get elders involved from both sides and you can decide whether you want to continue living like this or move on.

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