Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Question about relations with brother in law in Islam

muslim woman holding onto quran

Aoa, My family, most of them do not wear hijab n there is generally no trend of segregation of genders whereas I observe hijab and veil. My husband doesn't allow me to visit my sisters in presence of their TN husbands although I have a very distant relation with them that is no more beyond greetings.

I went to see my sister and my brother in law was home, though left after a while. I went and I did not have interaction with him. When my husband came to know about it he became very angry, so much so that he hit me on face, abused and threatened of divorce.

I admit I should have avoided this situation but I want to know Islamically where do I stand...at one time I feel very ashamed n the other time I feel I've been wronged n this confusion is making me very restless.

moosa kalim


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13 Responses »

  1. OP: When my husband came to know about it he became very angry, so much so that he hit me on face, abused and threatened of divorce.

    You husband seems to be very insecure man. You probably can see what is going on. How long have you been married? Does you husband let you go outside your home?

    I am sure he gets angry for other reasons and abuses you.

    Does he look at other women?

    What country you live in? This kind of behavior is not tolerated in Western countries.

    • Maybe the husband is not a good person and does not know islam.. But a true muslim man will never hit a girl being in suspect.. Also a man will never hit a girl hardly in any case.. Girl is a flower treat them with love.. And wife should avoid going in front of bro in law.. She should be in hijab..

  2. Sister,

    Nothing I can say here can excuse the actions of your husband. It is clear he was angry when he struck you. It was his way of dealing with his anger not only at you for being at your sisters house whilst her husband was present but at the whole situation. It doesn't matter that your sisters husband was in another room. For your husband, it matters that he was there at all.

    In your husbands eyes, you knew he did not allow you to be at your sisters house whilst her husband was at home and yet when you went and he was at home, you stayed at her house. It does not matter that he did not see you. Your husbands point is, you should have turned around and gone back home. End of story.

    Even though your actions were not intentional, all your husband could see is that you had gone against his wishes. Now that he has calmed down, depending upon the type of person he is...he probably feels bad that he laid his hands on you in the heat of the moment.

    I pray that you and your husband can move beyond what happened and make amends with one another. If at all humanly possible, it would be good to discuss what transpired rather than just sweep it under the rug. By not discussing what took place, feelings of hurt are going to remain even if not on the surface. May Allah guide you both towards peace and understanding.

    Salam

  3. Your husband had no right to hit you. Usually once a husband hits his wife he will continue to do so. You are not a slave to be beaten and abused. You made a mistake. Your husband could have handled it differently. I would seriously consider divorce. Its better to get our sooner then later. Women are not children but are fully grown adults and should be treated as an adult . There is never an excuse for violence and you never should accept violence. Get away from this husband before it is too late and harder to get out. You deserve better sister. We all make mistakes but no one ,even a husband has the right to mistreat us, hit or beat us.

    • Dear Merva

      Assalaamu Alaikkum

      ur approach is shythanic which cud only feed shythan
      When a problem occurs for many people divorce is the first door as if its available very cheap in market to buy....

      Dear Merva do u know the after effects of the divorce???
      many people suggest it very easily ?????
      In Islam its the last door when nothing worked and there are many things to unite the couple shud have happened before going to it,

      U HERE SUGGEST VERY EASILY FOR DIVORCE
      IF THIS SISTER TOOK UR WORDS AND IF THAT HAD HAPPENED (MAY ALLAAHU SWT FORBID AAMEEN)
      DO U KNOW THE AFTER EFFECTS SUFFERINGS AND SINS ALL WILL FALL ON U ALSO AND U WILL HAVE A GOOD SHARE IN THAT,,,,,
      so please think not 100 times bt 100000 times before talikng about it dear

      ofcourse I agree that her husband shudnt have dealt that way,,,But after all he is also human

      When i wife goes out of home the shythan joins her and if she goes does thing which her husband dint like and malayaks(angels) will curse until she turns back to him,,,so on her part its too much bad to get the curse of angels,,,,,

      as hubby he shudnt have hit her as our Prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam say'
      The best in u is who are best to their family"

      and also says"fear the way u behave with ur wives"

      Allaahu Rabbul Aalameen says
      God instructs men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability:

      “…And live with them in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)

      The Messenger of God said, The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. The best of you are those who are the best to their women.’[1] The Prophet of Mercy tells us that a husband’s treatment of his wife reflects a Muslim’s good character, which in turn is a reflection of the man’s faith. How can a Muslim husband be good to his wife? He should smile, not hurt her emotionally, remove anything that will harm her, treat her gently, and be patient with her.
      =================

      Rab says
      "Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish (i.e., don't punish them).'' (7:199)
      its for both men & women ,,,,not to man alone.
      so this is a chance and her turn to correct him in the matter of treating her and chase away this shythan away and live life peacefully

      please sister obey ur husband also educate him abt Islam and tell him that "u were right and i feel sorry to hurt u and if i disobeyed forgive me but same time ur way shud have been different and if u have told me in accordance with the way of our prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam ,it would be better"

      peace peace happy life to u sister
      Salaam

  4. Dear Merva

    Assalaamu Alaikkum

    ur approach is shythanic which cud only feed shythan
    When a problem occurs for many people divorce is the first door as if its available very cheap in market to buy....

    Dear Merva do u know the after effects of the divorce???
    many people suggest it very easily ?????
    In Islam its the last door when nothing worked and there are many things to unite the couple shud have happened before going to it,

    U HERE SUGGEST VERY EASILY FOR DIVORCE
    IF THIS SISTER TOOK UR WORDS AND IF THAT HAD HAPPENED (MAY ALLAAHU SWT FORBID AAMEEN)
    DO U KNOW THE AFTER EFFECTS SUFFERINGS AND SINS ALL WILL FALL ON U ALSO AND U WILL HAVE A GOOD SHARE IN THAT,,,,,
    so please think not 100 times bt 100000 times before talikng about it dear

    ofcourse I agree that her husband shudnt have dealt that way,,,But after all he is also human

    When i wife goes out of home the shythan joins her and if she goes does thing which her husband dint like and malayaks(angels) will curse until she turns back to him,,,so on her part its too much bad to get the curse of angels,,,,,

    as hubby he shudnt have hit her as our Prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam say'
    The best in u is who are best to their family"

    and also says"fear the way u behave with ur wives"

    Allaahu Rabbul Aalameen says
    God instructs men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability:

    “…And live with them in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)

    The Messenger of God said, The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. The best of you are those who are the best to their women.’[1] The Prophet of Mercy tells us that a husband’s treatment of his wife reflects a Muslim’s good character, which in turn is a reflection of the man’s faith. How can a Muslim husband be good to his wife? He should smile, not hurt her emotionally, remove anything that will harm her, treat her gently, and be patient with her.
    =================

    Rab says
    "Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish (i.e., don't punish them).'' (7:199)
    its for both men & women ,,,,not to man alone.
    so this is a chance and her turn to correct him in the matter of treating her and chase away this shythan away and live life peacefully

    Dear Moosa Kalim

    please sister obey ur husband also educate him abt Islam and tell him that "u were right and i feel sorry to hurt u and if i disobeyed forgive me but same time ur way shud have been different and if u have told me in accordance with the way of our prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam ,it would be better"

    peace peace happy life to u sister
    Salaam

    • Kamal: When i wife goes out of home the shythan joins her and if she goes does thing which her husband dint like and malayaks(angels) will curse until she turns back to him,,,so on her part its too much bad to get the curse of angels,,,,,

      Does shytan join a husband also when he goes out alone?

  5. I do not think it is shaytanic. I think being beat or hit by a husband is satanic. It is true as you said here that divorce should be the last option. I believe if people have the usual problems in marriage everything should be tried and worked out. Many Muslims are expected to take abuse from men emotional as well as physical. Her husband had no right to hit her. I do not think human rights are from Shayton. But many men want to control women and feel they have a right to abuse them or hit them and I do not see this as humane.
    First of all I think she had a right to visit her sister. Maybe she did not know if her brother in law was there. All I am saying is that her husband had no right to hit her and usually men that hit continue to be abusive and she deserves better.
    I do not think it is shaytanic for a person to be safe. Yes divorce is bad and it is allowed if a woman fears abuse . But maybe some interpretations of Islam allow beating of a wife as a discipline. But I can not agree that abuse of women is ok. I think hitting a woman is shaytanic.Oppression of women is shaytanic.

    • I agree with you completely. I'm very surprised to read people are showing understanding for this man's reaction. First of all, he's a jerk to say his wife can't even visit her sister. I don't believe Islam has given the husband the right to CONTROL a woman and tell her she can't even see her own family. So I don't understand this man's anger at all, and I definitely don't understand his abuse. I agree that if this man can get so angry over something like this, and beat up his wife for it, then any small thing could trigger his anger and his "instinct" to be aggressive.

      To OP:
      I don't think you should get a divorce at this point, but I do think you need to talk to your husband and let him know he needs to work on his anger and desire to control you. He's not your father, it's not his job to discpline you like you are a child, and decide for you what you can't and can do. The next thing you'll know, he will demand the right to decide what food you should eat and what time you should go to sleep.

  6. There are 2 things that are very disturbing here:

    1. The fact that your husband beat you and threatened divorce. He sounds like a violent man who does not take marriage very seriously. Divorce is a last resort that should not be taken lightly. Beatings should NEVER happen.

    2. This concept of "obeying" your husband including staying away from your sister when her husband is not around. A husband is your labaas. He is not your master and you his servant. He is not your father. He must deal with his wife and children in a respectful manner with open communication, and not make things difficult. While I understand that the does not want you around other men, he is effectively blocking you from maintaining a relationship with your sister. This is your sister's family home. You were beaten for going there? If you where hijab, then how can your husband take issue with it? Basically, your husband is using physical violence and threats in order to promote a discord in the family. His unreasonable demands will impact your ability to maintain family ties with your sister. Your sister's husband is part of your sister's family - you can't separate the two.

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    If you are able to speak to your husband openly about this situation, I suggest that you do that. If you aren't able to speak openly with them, that is telling of a problematic relationship.

    You simply need to clear the issue and raise your concerns about visiting your sister and that you had no intention of meeting your sister's husband. Either he trusts you OR he doesn't. If trust is lacking in your relationship--then this is something that the both of you need to discuss.

    He shouldn't be hitting you, let alone on the face. This is abuse. He needs to know that from you, this will not be tolerated. If you need to resolve an issue, perhaps leave it and discuss when cooler minds prevail.

    The problems that can be seen in your relationship are: lack of trust and communication.

    You haven't mentioned if this was the only time your husband hit you, but if this is how he "makes you understand" everytime, it isn't acceptable. Also, if he uses threats of divorce as ways to "make you obedient", this is also very immature.

    All I can say is that you feel abused and wronged for a very good reason--your next step needs to be how you can work on the bigger issue in your marriage which is trust and communication. May Allah ease your marital problems, Ameen

  8. Seems like husband in this case is afraid his wife will have some illegal relationship with any man. He does not even trust his wife to go to her sister's home when her sister's husband is there. I wonder if he will let her work or go shopping.

    Controlling a wife in such a manner is likely to make the wife unhappy and depressed. His husband hit her. abused her and threatened to divorce her. Such a behavior may actually FORCE her to look for happiness some place else.

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