Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is he a real Muslim man?

Angry woman


I am a Christian woman needing advice about a man I had a friendship with recently.  To put a long story short, we became friends. He is from Morocco, a Muslim, and I am from the UK.  My head is in a mess at the moment and I am very confused.  He got very close very quickly.  He also proposed marriage very quickly- in about a week which is acceptable.  I am a Christian woman who does not drink or smoke, and I know Muslim men can marry Christians.

However,  since I am from a developed country I felt very uneasy. Not because of the proposal, because I know it is common in Islam and also with true Christians as we do not believe in relationships before marriage; but the strange thing was he did not want to involve his family in our marriage.  I told him it was strange that he did not want them involved, and that I am not in this to give anyone a green card.  He even at one point asked me about my income, and once he found out is was not very high he became distant.

Throughout our relationship he was asking indirectly about going to the gym, which he said he could not afford so he suggested that I go with him.  He also mentioned going on holiday, etc, and when he got no money out of me he seemed very distant. I do not think it is my place to give him money.  He was very manipulative.  He then finished our relationship on the grounds that it would be difficult to stay in the UK and we would have to re-think the marriage.

Later I found out from someone else that he went to Canada for a job and he did not even tell me.  I would ask him questions about different things and he would not answer them, and everyone said that he was a very secretive person.  I thought that in the Qur'an it said that men are not supposed to take money off women, and must be able to financially provide for their wives as it says in the Bible.

When our relationship ended, he twisted everything so that it was my fault that things had gone wrong, only because I said that I thought he was scamming me and he could not forgive me for what I had said to him.  He was very horrible to me on a message, and called me a racist when I said that Muslim men are supposed to provide for their families.  I have found out some awful things on the internet about men scamming women for visas.  The strange thing is he also goes to pubs and nightclubs (although he does not drink), and chats to women on Facebook, which I did not think was accepted in Islam.

He still wants to keep in touch with me.  I am very confused and need some advice from Muslims about his behaviour.  I have started reading the Qur'an, and I need to know what is acceptable behaviour for Muslim men.  Should I stay in touch, and how should I handle this? I did love him, but I am prepared to walk away if you think it is best.  He was on a visa that would not have entitled him to stay in the UK.


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It really sounds like you've done your homework, because you are correct in all your understandings. Muslim men should be the ones to support their wives, and not take her money unless she gives it willingly and freely. Muslim men and women both should not be hanging out in seedy places like pubs and bars, and it's prohibited to talk to members of the opposite sex without a specific purpose (unless they are related, like mother/son, father/daughter etc). Certainly muslims are not supposed to talk in demeaning ways to ANYONE, or accuse someone of wrongdoing without proof (like him calling you racist).

    Honestly, when you sort it all out, it seems like he is not serious about a relationship with you. More than that, it seems like he doesn't have the makings of a good husband. Because his intentions are unclear and it seems possible he is being dishonest, it would be unwise of you to put your trust in him. Needless to say you would need to be able to trust anyone you were considering marrying.

    When it's all said and done, between his issues with you and your issues with him, there's really no reason he should need (or want) to keep in touch with you. I suggest you cut your ties with him and tell him that it didn't work out and that you are moving on, and don't want to keep contact since there's no purpose for it. I'm sorry that he turned out to have less character than you hoped, but I can assure you that there are some very good muslim brothers out there who act nothing like him and follow their religion as best they can. I urge you to continue learning about Islam, not only to know how Muslim men you meet should be dealing with you, but because you will find in shaa Allah that it really is the true guidance given by Allah for all of us.

    -Amy Editor

    • I agree with Sister Amy.

      Going to pubs and nightclubs, plus chatting to women on Facebook is not a character of a true Muslim.

      Not wanting to involve his family in your relationship, is amber light.

      Having some interest in your money is a RED light.

      If you will ever marry a Muslim, then he must be a true Muslim who has a sense of mercy and with good Islamic character, not just anyone who calls himself a Muslim.

  2. Hi Louise

    I've come across similar stories on this site of non or even new Muslim women marrying some Muslim men from foreign countries and seldom does the picture turn out pretty.

    I am a Muslim man and I live in the UK like you but for your own sake I would urge you to adopt caution concerning people like this man. Particularly considering his sudden move to Canada and asking you for financial support. Oddities such as these can be indicative of many unpleasant traits and characteristics. In my humble opinion if he is being surreptitious then that should be cause for concern to you.

    some of these men unfortunately have an agenda, they are not interested in settling down with anyone. instead all they want is to gain citizenship and once they do they usually let go of their facade.

    just be very careful in what you decide to do. You should not act on what we say because the decision is yours. I'd just advise you to be wary. Many girls have been manipulated by such people. Incidentally some of these foreign men are genuine, represent their religion well and can make great husbands. Some sadly are not of that kind and usually lead clandestine lives with wives and children back home.

    I guess it all comes down to how much you trust this man. Though if he isn't practicing it is very difficult to say what his scruples are as a Muslim.

    Anyway I hope this helps. All the very best.



  3. Salam sister,

    He is definitly after a green card for sure! It's a good thing that you are a smart lady and spotted the signs early on. These are the classic signs of green card hunters. They want you to finance them, they are seceretive. They do not involve family. And now that you found out about his intentions. He is cursing you! Typical!

    It's really sad that there are many bad muslim men around these days that just want to use and abuse women. They see women as a toy. They want to get a green card out of them and then use then as a cash machine and when the women refuses they drop them like a hot potatoe! Be very careful of men like that.
    This is the complete opposite of what muslims should be. Muslim men and women should be open and honest. Make their intentions clear, be kind and compassionate. Their actions should match their words.

    But there are good men out there, its just a case of finding them. A good muslim men should be open and honest with no secrets. He should pay for you and never ask you for money or accept money from you. His lifestyle, character and actions should all be reflect the quran.

    So just break off completely from him. He is bad news. Do not marry him. And keep reading the quran and look into Islam.

    May Allah show the light.

    • Why only Muslim men? I do agree good number of Muslim men also behave very badly. But are they Muslims? They might have born in a Muslim family. With no fear of Allah, with no knowledge about Islam, they can be better described as Muslims by name. As far as Morocco and it's Muslims are concerned, i would better remain silent.

      • Well, I think many muslim woman also i know.. specially most of moroccan woman not all.. want your nationality such as franch, spain, uk, canada etc , money and all.. if you have all this.. then they will pretend to love you..., in an overall woman are more in citizenship hunter..


    The Bible's Last Prophet
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    NOW COMING TO THIS I did love him, but I am prepared to walk away if you think it is best. YES THE BEST
    DONT BUDGE DO THIS- I did love him, but I am prepared to walk away if you think it is best.

  5. Salaam Louise,
    You have pretty much answered your own question.

    Muslim men don't behave like that. Allah knows best but he is probably trying to use you for a visa hence why your such a secret from his family.

    Looking at what you have said, stay well clear!!!

    May Allah guide us all


  6. Hii Sister, To be honest , i have got many bad experience with similar case relationship with many moroccan people.. of course i cannot generalise it. what they want first is MONEY, NATIONALITY (SPECIALLY FRANCE, UK & CANADA etc ) In muslim, there are no scripture who said you need to marry quick.. after all you need to know someone better.. for me this guy is using you for money and nationality..

    YOu can test him by saying " ok accept all, but i will never stay in uk and you will live in morocco..

    And now regarding about a husband should gie money or bla bla bla.. this is taboo.. and this is a culture not in the quran, God talk about equality many place in the Quraan. God never oblige man to work only and feed woman.. this a a culture.. or a tradition..

    A real couple would both work and take all responsibilities together and cope in everything together.. no have is more superior or have mo priority or need to contribute more than any other.. thats is why many woman abuse on their husband about money and want many thing.. a husband is not a bank account for a woman.. but he is a guardian of his wife.. a protector.. Why some taboo people refer that in islaam man need to provide money, food etc.. because in the prophetic centuries... woman did not work.. woman also also being treated as sex slave and so on by some people.. Muhammad Saw is a messenger and a model where you can follow as it is up to you . We call it Sunnah) but there is nothing said that a man is oblige to spend money only and wife no.. THERE are no scripture from the holy quran who said that a man need to spend, and the wife can spend when she want and if she dont want she will not spend or give.. So this is injustice.. if you love your partner.. both should cope and live all together.. even in the kitchen and home work both should cope .. even if husband need to help you in the kitchen he must..

    But again i will tell you, believe in reality not what you heard other said.. even if they said in the quran it is mentioned as easy to say.. ask for proof and try to know the real interpretation ..

    Thanks........ but be aware of this moroccan man..

    • Salaams,

      On the contrary, in Islam a husband is indeed to provide shelter, food and clothing for his wife and children. She is not required to contribute toward these expenses if she doesn't want to. Any money a woman makes is hers to use as she likes- she is not obligated to share the living expenses with her husband at all. For anyone to say Islam teaches otherwise or that it's incorrect, they are in fact the ones spreading error and misguidance.

      -Amy Editor

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Uzzy,

      Your intial point is good, MashaAllah. But your statement (THERE are no scripture from the holy quran who said that a man need to spend, and the wife can spend when she want and if she dont want she will not spend or give) isn't correct.

      In Islam, giving the woman a dowry during the marriage contract, is the basic sign that the man is going to be providing for his wife financially, after the marriage.

      Allah did not say the woman should also give the man a dowry. Even in cases where the man is poor, Allah did not say the woman should give the man a dowry, or the man should not give any dowry at all, but He only said it's the right of the woman to forego some of the dowry (some of it, not all).

      Allah (swt) says in the Holy Quran:

      "Give women their dowries graciously. But if they willingly forego some of it, then consume it with enjoyment and pleasure." (Quran 4: 4)

      So if the husband is in-need of financial support today, and the wife can support him, it would be her right to decide whether to help him or not. Allah will not ask her why she did not support her husband financially, but Allah will ask the husband why he did not provide for his wife financially.

      The are many verses in the Holy Quran and Hadeeths that indicate that the man is to provide for his wife financially.


      "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, as God has given some of them an advantage over others, and because they spend out of their wealth. The good women are obedient, guarding what God would have them guard.." (Quran 4: 34)

      "...It is the duty of the father to provide for them (the woman and her child) and clothe them in a proper manner..." (Quran 2: 34)

      "The wealthy (man) shall spend according to his means; and he whose resources are restricted shall spend according to what God has given him. God never burdens a soul beyond what He has given it. God will bring ease after hardship." (Quran 65: 7)


      Mu'awiya Al-Qushayri asked the Prophet (s.a.w.s), "O' Messenger of Allah, what is the right a wife upon any of us?" He said, "that you feed her when you eat and clothe her when you clothe yourself and that you do not hit her on the face or call her ugly, and that you do not separate from her except in the house". (Narrated by Abu Dawud)

      The Prophet (s.a.w.s) said again after a long speech in which he advised men to take good care of their wives and to respect them: Their rights upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218)

  7. Louise,

    You already have some wonderful advice given from several individuals at his point so I just wanted to add my two cents here on your situation.

    You said, "He also proposed marriage very quickly- in about a week which is acceptable." Louise...I have lived a long time and it is my own personal opinion that one week should never be acceptable. Not to you and certainly not to any woman. Irregardless of whom you marry, you want to be able to know a little bit about them and their background. In a week you can't possibly know enough about them to make a rational life altering decision by accepting a marriage proposal.

    This man did not want to involve his family because if it were up to him, they would never know about you. He is nothing more than a snake who looks for opportunity and when he could not find it in you, he slithered away. This man is not secretive...he is a conniving opportunist and now that he is in Canada...he will be looking for his next victim.

    Don't be confused here Louise, this man is not good for you or any other woman for that matter. Ask yourself, "why does he still want to keep in touch with me?" There is absolutely nothing to be confused about. He is the lowest form of man...a user as such. He is looking for a mark and God willing, you will not be it. This mans move to Canada was a blessing in disguise whether you realize it or not.

    The smartest thing you could ever do is block this man on your phone, toss his number and leave this whole debacle in your past. You sound like a really smart girl and you don't deserve to be played.


    • Hello...It doesnt seem like its,a religious issue at all. It really seems as if he is trying to take advantage of you. In both religions , God has placed Husbands to be spiritual leaders in the home,to guard protect both his wife and children. It seems as if God still needs to refine his character and he needs to learn responsibility before even thinking of marriage. That is something you cannot teach him, but refinement is only found when seeking God through prayer. Trust your instinct, praise God that He has revealed to you the flaws in this mans character ,learm and move on! God bless smiles!

  8. Dear Louise,

    I think you already know what to do, it is very obvious that he is not a muslim and not a good man. One thing you must avoid is talking to him. I guess he is a smooth talker and may be quite charming. Do not give Shatan a chance to get in your mind and give him a second chance or keeping him as a friend.

    Walk away. Wish you the best.

  9. Read carefully,

    [Editor's note: The links have been removed - if providing resources, please try to ensure they are from reputable sites and by scholars or relevant professionals. Social networking sites can be edited by pretty much anyone.]

    What you are doing regarding reading the Qur'an is for your own self. The first link I sent you, would insha'Allaah help you a lot. You will know the Muslims better. The link is related to you.

    Secondly, true Muslims are not like that. The guy is a fraud. Be careful a lot.

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  10. No he isn't.

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