Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Please, give me reasons not to kill myself

 
light

I honestly cant take this anymore. I attempted suicide three times in my past years and having strong thoughts and feelings to attempt it again and maybe hopefully it will work this time. I am 20 years old and a Muslim female.

 Unfortunately I am a lesbian. I always had feelings for other women since I was seven years old. Always had crushes on my female teachers throughout my grade school and high school years. I never wanted to be a lesbian. I didn't choose this. For the past six years I've been hurting myself physically such as cutting and starving myself because I felt like I needed to punish myself because of me being gay.

 I've been in and out of mental hospitals couple of times in the past years. They had diagnosed me with Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder.They did help me stop cutting myself and I really thank Allah that I don't do that anymore. In my teen years, I prayed so much and asked forgiveness from Allah for this awful sin that I am committing. But till this day I cant stop having these feelings for another woman.

I have stopped praying for the past year in a half. And the weird part is that I don't feel guilty about it. Before when i not used to pray I used to feel very guilty so I would make up those prayers sometimes. But now its like I don't care anymore. I'm a burden to my family. They don't deserve this. And when I get married with a man I will be betraying him. I'm bound to cheat on him with a woman. I don't want to ruin a man's life like that.

I was thinking to run away from home and just live my life but if I do that i will be dishonoring them and I don't want to do that to them. There is no hope for my future. If I live I will be ruining peoples lives. So why don't I just kill myself. It will be for a good cause anyway. I wouldn't have the "privilege" to ruin other peoples lives. I just should do it. Maybe I will. I don't know. I'm soooooo scared. Obviously I am going to go to Hell if i commit suicide but even if i don't I will still go to Hell because I'm a lesbian. Even if i don't act on it, because of the fact i have thoughts about other women I will surely go to hell. So why not go to hell earlier, I'm going to end up there anyway.

Bushra

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , ,

32 Responses »

  1. Sister please I beg you don't take your own life. I understand things are hard for you and I can't really give you much advice islamically as i am a revert and don't no enough to teach you the right way but your life is just as special as anyones elses. I am also going through hard times and sometimes feel like giving up but I can't do it my love for Allah is stronger than any love I will have for anyone else. So I try to focus on Allahs love for me instead of the pain I am feeling when I can't take anymore. I feel your pain but you do need to pray. Allah is the only one that truly knows what you are going through you need to surrender to him let go of your desires and trust he can help you. He knows you, your heart and soul so let him guide you even if think you can do it trust him he knows best. I will pray for you also that Allah will make your struggle.

  2. First off i would get a job if i was you. Mayb two jobs.

    Save up as much as you can.

    Perform salaat and duah to thank allah for what you have.

    See an imam. Perhaps he can help. Meet people that was lesbians and see why or how they changed?

    Move out. Or find a shelter and leave now. Theyll help u find a job.

    Socialize with more woman that actually prefer men.

    But dont kill yourself.

    And my imam sais that allah rescues who he may from hell.

    So perhaps you wont stay in hell for eternity or go to hell at all.
    So repent. Declare it a sin. Ask allah to help you. Make evry effort not to sin like that and alaah may grant your way to heaven. Only he knows your destination. So stop thinking u going to hell.

    There is more i can say but you should get the point.

    From someone that can relate.

  3. Bushra, Sorry to hear about your struggles. its clear you going through a difficult phase Insha'Allah everything will be fine. You need to rely and Trust in Allah, Masha'Allah bushra you a very clever girl, you still young and have alot to live for. Suicide is NEVER the answer, it will not solve anything. By you harming yourself you'll be hurting your family.

    You need to seek Professional Help, You do not need to get married to anyone, You can stay single so therefore you will not be burdening anyones life. You need to keep repenting as you have been, Insha'Allah Allah will forgive you, You been lesbian is between you and Allah, Allah is the Judge, If you repent Allah is the Most Forgiving.

    YOu have plenty to live for, You do not know where you are going, No one knows, Only Allah knows. so do not think you will go to hell, YOu have commited a sin and if you repent Allah is Most Merciful. Allah Loves those who repent. Hopefully Insha'Allah if you seek professinal help they will help you.

    Please Do not hurt yourself in anyway, things may be difficult right now but that moment does not last forever, Allah says in the Quran; 'Verily with every Hardship comes ease' , turn back to Allah and Allah will help you Insha'Allah. You will be free and Happy back to your normal self once you repent and Turn to Allah.

    Hopefully Insha'Allah other Brothers and Sister will be able to Help you.

  4. Please get into contact with this kind of Professinal Help. YOu can contact them via, E-mail, phone or you can go to there nearest branch near you.

    http://www.samaritans.org/?gclid=CJ7Tta_Fha4CFUYRfAodYHA6cw

    There will always be someone on this website to talk to you, so please stay in touch. May Allah Help you overcome all your Difficulties and May Allah make thing easy for you..Ameen

  5. Sister, acting upon homosexuality is the crime, thats what deserves the punishment, so inshallaah make sure you dont go near it.
    This a form of test from Allaah, just like cowardice etc.
    You have to strive against it.

  6. Dont ever pay heed to those people who say some humans are born to be attracted to the same sex, this is a lie upon A l l a h and denying the fitrah which he created in all humans and apostacy.
    Likewise dont ever lend your ear to those apostates who believe homosexual acts between two people so long as they are "married is allowed"
    Because once you listen to them, you become convincedc and full of doubts.
    "who is more oppressive than one who invents a lie against A l l a a h"surah kahf, surah sajdah, surah baqarah, surah zumar and many other verses from the qur'aan.

    May Allah remove it from you and give you the tawfeeq to fight against it.

  7. Salaam sister, i take note of your age and reply in regard to that, our brain is powerful beyond measure, what we can create and how we think our influenced heavily by outside means and usually conditioned to outside means, take for example our clothing, why are buttons always on the front?, why dont we put our shirts on the other way round?, its a condition, in order to be accepted or to feel in our comfort zone we follow the condition, however Allah has not placed this condition on us, he has merely given us a choice in life, these conditions are consequences of life and are seperate from our deen, our clothing must be a certain way according to Islam, however their are no guidlines on how it should be worn, rather the character of the garment we should wear, and how it affects our appearance, so girls should wear loose clothing, that is a requirment, however the condition is that the label is towards the back and the stitches inside, you can wear the stitches out and label at the front, its still accepted by Allah, however its not considered 'normal' because it does not follow the 'conditon'. so to make clear, the conditions of society coincide with but do not abide by religious rules.
    You say you are 'lesbian', however this is a condition, hear me out and i will explain my point, Allah created us all for a purpose, and has created marriage for many reasons one being in order for man to have off spring and bring about the next generation and more of Allah people into this ummah, im not going to hit you with hadith, i feel its premature to dwelve into that too much at this point, but i am happy to reference my points, so Allah has sent us this command, a man is created for a women, and vice-versa, this is accepted and is widespread, however the shaytan said 'i will make wrong fair seeming to them', so the condition of the dunya talks of 'lesbian' and 'gay' relationships alongside marriage, this provides basis for deviating beliefs, and is carefully mastered to make it seem tolerated by religion by having 'gay priests' and so on, this is a conditon and as said earlier is seperate from religion, you see how it comes together. now you say you have feelings for women etc, think for a minute, Allah sent us on this earth for a TEST, shaytan makes WRONG fair seeming, and such things are CONDITIONS, so you having feelings for other women this is a TEST from Allah, can we control our desires and through our love for Allah submit to his will, you thinking more deeply about your feelings about women is the shaytan making the WRONG fair seeming, and you justifying this by deducing your a 'lesbian' is the CONDITION, you see the test is from Allah, shaytan exploits the wrong as he told Allah he would, and these conditions the outside worlds has, the dunya(shaytans world) justify it by creating a term for these thoughts. sister it is a test, and the shaytan has led you on for years without doubt towards believing in these feelings you have, but your love for Allah was strong, so you prayed but then shaytan got you off that, and wants you to end your life,because of Islam and Allah, but this was never Allah nor Islam, its shaytan and his games, he plays with your thoughts, and has taken you away from the noor of Allah, the feelings are from shaytan and the conditions of his world allow you to be 'accepted', but as said before you are a muslim and submit to Allah only, these conditions are not set out by Allah and never have been, its deception and sister you must think hard and i urge you to understand my point, your love for Allah can overcome this, because he is greater than any trick shaytan can pull, rise to the challenge and defeat your inner conscious, its not real just thoughts, your soul is being taken in by these false conditions, dont fall, stick to the quran and sunnah and you will see clearly, where conditions come in and how in reality your a innocent girl caught up in confusion.
    The psychological disorders are severe, and are a diagnosis of 'faulty thinking', having studies psychology myself, i can tell you that, so what is so faulty, well as said above, you take the conditons to heart and think Allah will send you hell, remember follow the quran and sunnah, the conditions will become apparent and you will realise, your 'faulty thinking' is a result of these conditions and not Islam or Allah at all, shaytan is a creator of evil and he will not stop, you CAN.
    Your life is a gift, you never created it and you have no right to take it away, that is in Allah hands, and your not going to hell for sure, its what we think, remember this life is a test, so your still in the life and the test is hard, but you can end up in heaven as easy as me and others, likewise we can end up in hell, Allah knows and it would be sad to think your destined for fire, but why think of suicide?, their are no gurantess except death itself, when you die it is Allah decision, by taking your own life your destroying Allah creation, you belong to him and so why make him angry, he made you so beautiful gave you life, surely that alone is enough to live on, why did he give you life ?, because Allah loves all his people and if the world deserts you, Allah will always be with you, he gave you a test, but he gave you a choice, problem is shaytan takes advantage and ruins people, your being dragged by shaytan away from Allah, and that is why you stopped praying, but how did you type your problem, how did your fingers move ?, without Allah we are but statues made of soil and water, so for letting us walk, talk, breath is it too much to say thank you, get on our kness and say thank you for giving me this energy and life, of course not, because by not praying your following shaytan, he has given you nothing, hasnt helped with the pain, and clearly has made you worse, so pick yourself up and say thank you for what you have, it wont help me, or anyone else, but for you its a garden of roses, you think your alone when you pray, angels sit beside you, the noor(light) of Allah enters your heart and you are clean of all evil in this world, surely you felt this enlightment at one point, why not bring it back?, im going to be a bit harsh and say your being ignorant by not praying, their are people who cant walk, or even move and yet they even use their eye lids to make sajda masha'Allah towards their lord to thank him for giving them the chance to live, such love and passion for people in such situations, is it so much to ask the same from you, who can do those things freely, of course not, sister Allah is on your side and always will be, you are his creation, we all are, he loves hearing the voice of his people, why stop this, when you can feel close to Allah, and see even for a second the beauty of your life, your failed attemps of suicide should show you that Allah has given you life and he wants you to live, embrace this and thank him.

    Your not a burden to your family, after all its been 20years has it not that they have been by your side, your mother cleaned you when you were dirty, fed you when you were hungry, and stayed up all night so her beautiful daughter could stop crying and sleep, you will never be a burden, thats your wrong thinking, your family love you, and if you feel as a burden, dont, because your not, sit with your family, be happy with them and have good relations, despite all of our problems we always can have our family to keep our hearts warm and our faces smiling, your family love you, you might not realise but if they knew you actually felt a burden it would hurt them alot, because it would mean you are unhappy and noone wants their children to be unhappy, so pray to Allah and keep good relations with your family, a smile or laugh wont make your life perfect, but for that time your heart will feel warm and you yourself will notice a difference, love conquers all, this saying is very much true, do not despair, embrace sister, life was made with many beautiful things and our family was a big part of that beautiful.

    Sister please take my advice, do not over question, and sit down for a hour ot 2 and think what i am saying, if i am wrong why does it make perfect sense, and if i am right then pray, pray to Allah for guidance, get the love back and submit yourself to him, pass this test sister, prove to yourself and Allah your are a believer and no matter how hard shaytan tries he will not prevail, because you will have Allah in your heart, you are young,claim back your life and be free of this condition, live life by Allah not the society, remember its to him you return, and he gave you a beautiful gift of life, do not lose it, he is the answer to all, and you must develop that feeling and love for Allah in your heart inshaAllah.

    I pray for your recovery insha'Allah and i ask the same of all brothers and sisters on this site. if you have any question regarding my answer or need any help please ask freely, i am here to assist you as much as i can and to the best of my abilities inshaAllah.

    • As salamu alaykum, Sister Bushra,

      Masha´Allah, Brother Kelvenater has given you an excellent advice and the brothers/sisters that had comment had put their grain of sand, Alhamdulillah.

      I can just reinforce how important you are to everyone, your family specially and the rest of us take it for sure, Alhamdulillah. Your life is a blessing even when sometimes is so difficult for you to see it, if you were a colour or a sound nobody else in this world would have the tone or note you have.

      You have gone through a lot of inner suffering since a very young age that has taken all your reserves, you have fought against it with all your strength, through salat, .....all this painful, silent suffering took it taxesand it has cost you your health,we all acknowledge your suffering and you know now that you are supported by your brother and sisters and that Insha´Allah we all pray for your best. Even when you are still suffering inmensely and you are doubting on how important you are, Alhamdulillah, you are in a better condition now.

      You don´t feel guilty now, because so much suffering and whisperings had let your senses numb, you know that feeling when you put a leg or an arm in a wrong position and the blood stop circulating, you cannot feel anything, this is your spiritual condition now, once the energy begins to move in your body you will begin to feel how it tickles your senses, insha´Allah.

      You had been living through so many years under a cloud of shame, fear, guilt, ...time to leave all of that behind, time to let your true being coming out, you are born as a woman, don´t think about what others expect or about what you hide, be a woman, don´t take it beyond that, be a daughter for your parents, a sister for your brother/sisters, a niece for your aunt/uncles, a granddaugther for your grandparents, a female friend to your female friends, without more expectations, you need to learn how to become a woman without fear of being a woman, you are very young, we are at the right time to begin to learn this. See what I mean, imagine that all the fears, shame and guilt that you had been carrying all this years are the layers of an onion, and you are the heart of the onion, with this exercise I want you to begin to take all this layers from you until you see the softness of your Heart, until you get in contact wiht your purest essence, who you are beyond the social-cultural surrounding. For this as for everything we need Allah subhana wa taa´la.

      Just simple steps, there is an enormous shyness and shame when we have been for too long without being with Him(swt) it is like we don´t know how to cover ourselves, where to hide, and we look through the corner of our eyes to see if He(swt) is still watching us and if for any reason, that we don´t know after all the time that has passed by, He(swt) still cares about us and not to say loves us, why should we deserve His attention? Sister, I had been reading these ayats lately, they bring me closer to Him, insha´Allah, they touch your Heart:

      Allah Most High says,

      "Truly, it is by the Remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest." [Qur'an, 13.28]

      "And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein" (Qu´ran, 50.16)

      The following is a translation of Surat Al A´raf from: http://www.noblequran.com/translation/surah7.html

      200. And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaitan (Satan) then seek refuge with Allah. Verily, He is All-Hearer, All-Knower.

      201. Verily, those who are Al-Muttaqun (the pious - see V.2:2), when an evil thought comes to them from Shaitan (Satan), they remember (Allah), and (indeed) they then see (aright).

      202. But (as for) their brothers (the devils) they (i.e. the devils) plunge them deeper into error, and they never stop short.

      203. And if you do not bring them a miracle [according to their (i.e. Quraish-pagans') proposal], they say: "Why have you not brought it?" Say: "I but follow what is revealed to me from my Lord. This (the Qur'an) is nothing but evidences from your Lord, and a guidance and a mercy for a people who believe."

      204. So, when the Qur'an is recited, listen to it, and be silent that you may receive mercy. [i.e. during the compulsory congregational prayers when the Imam (of a mosque) is leading the prayer (except Surat Al-Fatiha), and also when he is delivering the Friday-prayer Khutbah]. [Tafsir At-Tabari, Vol.9, Pages 162-4]

      205. And remember your Lord by your tongue and within yourself, humbly and with fear without loudness in words in the mornings, and in the afternoons and be not of those who are neglectful.

      206. Surely, those who are with your Lord (angels) are never too proud to perform acts of worship to Him, but they glorify His Praise and prostrate before Him.

      There is much more to say, but I believe that you need to feel how important you are to us all, please insha´Allah, you keep that in your mind.

      Please sister, insha´Allah,do the intention of becoming closer to Him(swt), Alhamdulilllah He (swt) is listening to you and knows what it is in your Heart.

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      Wasalam,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Wow I really didn't expect anyone to actually give me really good advice. You made me think. To be honest I know this gay thing is totally wrong and i do need to start praying. But its so hard in knowing that Allah may not even count or hear my prayers because of the fact that I'm a lesbian. Why would he listen to my prayers? I'm a sinner. I feel like i'm the worst Muslim ever. You know before I even saw these comments I started praying since last night. I really appreciate your comment.

      • This comment goes for Kelvenater.

      • Allah (swt) never grows tired of hearing the calls of the supplicant. In Sura Baqara, 2:186

        And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright.

        Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)

        Also take into account that to some degree we are all sinners. And yet, Allah (swt) has said that He will continue to listen to us. To be honest, though you may have lesbian thoughts and/or feelings, I do not think that you are a lesbian, but you need to deal with reforming this thought pattern and if you would like, I could provide a scientific basis that your feelings from childhood are not a reliable indicator of your sexuality, though you may feel so.

      • Sister, your a muslim girl, the rest is all what the world has influenced you into, and so Allah will count your prayers for we are all sinners, and we repent so he forgives us, dont despair, your not the worst muslim, because of what you said next, you started to pray masha'Allah thats great news, and proves your no way near being the worst muslim.

        Keep up the praying and best of luck sister.

  8. As salamu alaykum, sister Bushra,

    The following comment was made by friend to a girl that thought to be in love with other girl:

    dear sister,

    good you have realised the wrong you were doing.now that Allah has bought you from darkness to light with his mercy, dont over think about these thoughts. you are very young girl and iam so pleased to see that you ahve realised this is sin and you have managed to keep away from it. these thoughts are wispers from shaytan, beware of him.you have fought him so well before. when ever we try to do good shaytan tries to tell us something opposite.like when we want to be regular with namaz he wispers keep sleeping, may be later, lets make this phone call first etc. when we want to do some charity , shaytan says you dont have enough money, look at the bills , may be next month etc. same way you are doing so well and shaytan cant stand it. so these thoughts are nothing but waswasa from shaytan.

    once you know that these are shaytans waswassa then you will immediately realised that these are actually not your true feelings. i strongly believe that people who get same sex attraction ,this is not a test from God , it is a test from shaytan.its your enemy inducing such thoughts in you,Why would a creater, so merciful, make you go through such a test ! why would he put such desires and not give a way to fulfil those desires?. read Quran my sister, Allah said to Hazarat Loot's(pbuh) nation WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? that you indulge in such a sin when there are opposite gender available. think my sister ,Did Allah say any thing like this when two opposite sex people commit sin,no, then ofcourse this sexual desire for opposite sex is not by Allah .it is shaytans tool to drive you away from right path.

    help others like in your situation to come out of this sin.

    dear sister, when you get thoughts like these or flash back keep some pictures or views or thoughts in your memory and replace them with thouse thoughts immediately. it will really help. i will try to explain. many years ago when i was your age ,i liked a boy in my class and constanttly had thoughts about him, i knew that he is having an affair with three other girls as well but still when he approached me i didnt want to resist. i asked Allah for guidance and help as the temptation was very strong. one day I dreamt that iam ina dark tunnel and looking for him to get me out of there, he came from nowhere and I ran towards him ,as soon as, i grabbed his hand and tried to hug him,he started melting into layers and layers and layers of black stuff,it was very scarry dream, and then someone calls my name and open the tunnel door from outside and ran never to look back again. sounds very dramatic and fairy tale like but that human melting into black layers of liquid still helps me stay away from evil.never do i dare to go towards that tunnel no matter how tempting it is.
    keep on the right path. may Allah help you.

    take care.

    your friend.

    ..................
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Dear bushra,you said you will go to hell even if you don't comit suicide bcoz u r a lesbian.remember God is kind and merciful and so long u repent from this awful act God is there to accept u back.there is always rum for repentance in islam.pray five times daily for prayers will always act as awall against all evil including LESBIAN.God guide you.

  10. Asalaam alaykum,

    I would urge you to go back under medical supervision for your suicidal thoughts, if possible. You need some stability and as you said, you achieved this some time before. However, this time make the additional step to find an Islamic alim or scholar confer with regarding your lesbian thoughts. You need spiritual guidance that most doctors cannot and/or are unwilling to provide.

    It's very interesting that you mentioned how you feel that your thoughts are your burden and your downfall, because it seems that you may also be suffering from an anxiety disorder cause by your lesbian thoughts and feelings. There is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder known as HOCD, Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Essentially, your anxiety over these thoughts and feelings have spiraled to such a degree that they may be triggering your current emotional state.

    Typical symptoms of HOCD:
    Recurrent doubts about one's own sexuality

    Unwanted or intrusive thoughts about being gay

    Inability to get rid of unwanted worries or intrusive thoughts about being gay

    Seeing a member of the same sex causes anxiety and triggers unwanted thoughts about being gay

    Avoidance of members of the same sex for fear of unwanted thoughts or anxiety

    Thoughts or worries about giving off signals that one may be homosexual

    Repeating mundane actions for fear that these actions may have been performed in a "homosexual" way or a way that may signal homosexuality in the person (for example, a male may feel the need to get up from a chair and sit back down in it if he feels that the way he sat in the chair was "feminine," or a male may worry that the way he walks is too "feminine" or signals homosexuality)

    Repeating an action may relieve anxiety, but then the person feels the need to repeat the action (or ritual) again and again to relieve anxiety

    Anxiety over being gay is in opposition to one's own values and desires

    One feels that the thoughts are unacceptable and inappropriate

    Some therapists do not know how to deal with this problem, so I believe that you must make due diligence on seeking a specialist and finding an Islamic one, if possible or at least an Islamic guide who can help you on a more personal and frequent basis.

    What can I do about it?

    HOCD responds to the same treatments as any other type of OCD: medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy. The most important part of good treatment is first finding a clinician who will properly diagnose the problem. There is little in the research literature specifically about HOCD, although sexual obsessions are a well-documented symptom of OCD. Therefore, therapists without much experience treating OCD may not recognize HOCD as a true anxiety disorder. Some may suggest psychodynamic treatment, i.e. "talk" or "insight" therapy, to help the patient "come to grips" with his sexuality. This will not help a person with OCD and may make the symptoms worse. The HOCD sufferer needs behavior therapy, which teaches the person how to deal with and successfully diminish obsessions, and often SSRI medications (such as Prozac, Luvox, and Zoloft).

    The most important part about your situation in which there is great cause for hope is the fact that you are seeking help. That is the greatest sign that Allah (swt) is with you and has not let you alone or given up on you, though you feel desperate as to otherwise. There is no doubt that He is trying to let you see His doors of Forgiveness and Mercy. You may have lost a bit of hope in your situation, but Allah (swt) has not every lost hope in you.

    I would like you to read the story of Prophet Yunus/Jonah (as) in the Qur'an and more specifically about the people of his town that were facing destruction almost until the very end. They were saved. You can be, too.

    Insha'allah, please comment back and let us know what else we can do to help you.

    • They did diagnose me with Anxiety Disorder. I get anxiety attacks once in a while.

      • Alhamdulillah, so there is a basis in your thought pattern and behavior, though it causes you great pain, in understanding it, this will lead you towards the life that you want. Have you studied neurological science regarding your sexual feelings and prior environmental influences?

        As I said, coupling medical advice with an Islamic guide may help you in tremendous ways. I have the feeling that you may be a prime candidate regarding the recent research in the "Limbic System" part of your brain, frontal lobe development (which you are still undergoing) and how it relates to your sexual thoughts and confusion.

        • http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm
          This link describes what I am referring to regarding the brain, but take note of this sentence:

          In calm situations, teenagers can rationalize almost as well as adults. But stress can hijack what Ron Dahl, a pediatrician and child psychiatric researcher at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center calls "hot cognition" and decision-making. The frontal lobes help put the brakes on a desire for thrills and taking risk -- a building block of adolescence; but, they're also one of the last areas of the brain to develop fully.

          Also, a recent study concluded that for some people, brain development did not finish till the subject's late 20s, though it was hypothesized in some individuals, this may extend into the 30s. This research is still on going.

          How is this relevant to your lesbian thoughts? Refer back to the statement by Dr.Dahl, in which he refers that since your frontal lobe is still developing, you have less control over your "desire" mechanism.

          Now take the Limbic System in your brain, referred to the "reptilian" part, which can be referred to in Islamic terms as the "lower nafs," a powerful base system in our brains that fuels lusts and seeks to get pleasure from to satiate it in any way possible. This is why relying on earlier childhood experiences is less reliable as to sexual preference, since the Limbic System was at full throttle, but the rest of your brain is not.

          Please understand that homosexuality was classified as a mental disorder, but politics played a part in changing that. Yet, the medical field did not know how the brain works in these sexual parameters, either. Getting more critical research done to reject the questionable studies regarding the "homosexual at birth" studies, which have improper data and some of the questionable sexual behavioral research including led by Alfred Kinsey, has been difficult in these days, but it leaves people such as yourself in the lurch.

          Yet, Allah (swt) knew what man did not by referring to the "lower nafs" and the "whispers of the Shaytan."

          It's interesting to note, that sexual research is also observing these same biological brain reactions in sexual addictions, as well as anxiety disorders and OCD by observing subjects undergoing MRIs.

          It's my contention that in light of this still on-going research, that your lesbian thoughts are compounded by your Limbic System and incomplete frontal lobe development and may be related to your lesbian thoughts. Most people are sensitive to these brain developments encountering some burden, but yours' is manifested in lesbian thoughts, however that does not make you a lesbian. It's just something that you must struggle against.

          In fact, I was reading a case of a lesbian woman who was in a lesbian relationship, but when she was subjected to another environment over a period of time, she became strongly attracted to men in as much as desiring and preferring them sexually. The interesting thing was that it had not been her intention and that it occurred within her 20s. Essentially something else began to 'click' within her brain. She had always thought herself lesbian, even born so, but something changed.

          Your case is better because you want to change. And that 'want' will provide you with a way out from committing a sin and quell these lusts. It may take some time for this to happen, but it can occur. Perhaps, it may also led you to a healthy life with a man, Insha'allah.

          The thing is that you need to see that your youth and your thoughts are not controlling you, but ultimately, you are.

          • I'm just really curious but are you a doctor? And yea i have heard about this but not in detail form. So are you kind of saying that its not my fault that I'm like this? Not asking so i can get away with this but just want to hear you opinion because i do want to change and have a future with a man and have children. But its so hard to ignore my thoughts. It takes over me. And this where you say that I have to turn to Allah. I know but its hard to pray five times a day. But I'm going to try.

          • Asalaam alaykum,

            What I'm getting at is that you can create your attraction to men by understanding how it works and how your mind may have gone astray. It's not about fault per se, but analyzing the situation. Your thoughts may have focused on lesbianism rather than natural heterosexuality only because it sought a shortcut to fuel your desires and the ideas you get from them as a means to excite you internally. The Limbic System makes your mind essentially lazy in scenarios like these.

            I'll give you an example: say you want to get really muscular and so you lift weights. The body being lazy, starts to canabilize the proteins in your muscles after a workout as a means to feed itself when left unchecked. This is why bodybuilders eat a lot of protein. It doesn't make sense of course, but the body is lazy and so, it must be fed the right things to get it to respond correctly and build itself properly. This is a simplified analogy, but it shows how our body biology doesn't always work for us and rather against us in some designs. This is what has happened to you. I'll explain below.

            The fact that you want to change is in itself the greatest key. You already have that hurdle overcome, as that is the most significant part. Subhan'allah. Though you think you are at defeat's door, you do not realize how significant this want in you is and how it will ultimately save you because of Allah's Divine Mercy (swt). Sister, you are already on the road to recovery, but you have stalled out. The battle is tough, there is no doubt, but you are on your way. There are so many people who wish they could get to this stage in their life of wanting this change and here you already have it. Alhamdulillah.

            I know the thoughts are very difficult to quell, seemingly almost impossible, but it's literally your mind playing tricks on you. I suspect that when you fight against it, your mind says, "yeah, but remember that woman from before who you crushed on and remember so and so, and her and her....," and at other times, it tosses images in your head. This leads to your depression. Your Limbic System knows how to control you, but you have to gain the tools to subdue it and find your natural heterosexual attraction. You already have it biologically and you want it, so again, Subhan'allah, you are on the right course.

            Many people have survived against this and live good Islamic lives, and they thought they were homosexual in the past. In fact, I met an Islamic scholar last year with a PhD in Biology who is counseling youths in these homosexual areas. The hard part is finding a person like this that you can rely on, confide in and who can guide you. You will have to sift through non-Muslim therapists, people who just want to hit you with a Qur'an and misguided homosexual Muslims who want you to embrace the 'gay.' I would urge you to specifically look for an alim who specializes in these matters of homosexuality. They're a bit hard to find sometimes, but they do exist. There is hope, Alhamdulillah.

            It's quite ironic that you mention wanting to have a husband and get pregnant, as when I had submitted my earlier response, I edited out a reference to children concerning the natural needs of woman to carry a child and give birth, but only being able to do so with a male counterpart as part of the life creation. Subhan'allah, you are very in tune with what you 'want" and this is your frontal brain lobe coming into play with Allah's (swt) Guidance.

            So it's not only important to look at the 'trigger' in your mind per se, but to understand its' origins, which may be coupling environmental experience to which your Limbic System responded towards. In this part of our brain, a dopamine release takes place and this is known as our lower "reward center." This is especially interesting in light of Qur'an. Yet, we want to move past this lower reward to fulfill the greater reward that also involves what we naturally need, what we want and how it involves our fully developed brain, when we finally reach that state, which would be a healthy, heterosexual relationship.

            In some cases of former homosexuals, especially women, they found that an affinity for the opposite sex began during their later 20s and 30s. Why? It could be possible that brain development had something to do with it.

            Unfortunately, behavioral science is too specific to see a blanket trend, so personal accounts come into play. But we must also consider that during those times is when a woman's biological clock heats up, fueling her need for children and in some cases it could be that this was their "click" wherein the need to reproduce overtook their lower Limbic System. Many factors play a part of course, but it's something to consider that a natural heterosexual need can overpower lesbianism.

            It could be possible that females in your life and your association with them triggered this current lesbian situation, because of the relationships you were forming at the time though you weren't engaging in them. This is just a guess since I do not know you, but I wonder if you felt first an affection for females early on, albeit innocently, and this then later developed in time towards sexual fascination of those feelings. It's possible that your Limbic System started recognizing your need for affection and to trigger its' desire and thus reward system of dopamine release, it turned towards lesbianism as a way to fuel these thoughts by manipulating the initial affection. Later on, it would 'force' lesbian thoughts without the need of anything else because left unchecked, it desires whatever it takes to get the dopamine release. This part of the brain can be deadly in extreme cases, as you know. Again think of the cannibalistic nature of the muscle analogy.

            The fact that you mentioned your female teachers, the second biggest role models and perhaps the first female role models of independence, guidance and affection via the student/teacher relationship is a prominent factor. Ponder about that for a while. I think you'll begin to see how your environment was playing a factor on your developing mind.

            Think of your lesbian thoughts in your lower and lesser brain as an snake that feeds on it's tail. It continues on into a vicious loop. This is currently being observed in sexual addictions and we know it takes place in drug addictions. Again, the research is still developing, but in light of Islam, many of these findings echo what Allah (swt) had said of the lower nafs, the whispers of the Shaytan and in this modern thought process, the Limbic System.

            Your situation got more out of control in puberty since your hormones were in high gear. And right now, you've just stopped developing from puberty, but your brain needs another 7-10 years to develop the frontal lobe. I don't want you to think that this is too long however. Instead, since you know that you are developing your frontal lobe, this is the time to retrain your Limbic System and for older, former homosexuals, they were able to do this, as well.

            In your case, you need to know that this is something that you can beat, but it takes a lot of vigilance, much like the sex addict. I mention sexual addiction, because it's based on the same inner nafs and Limbic System dopamine release. I also want to say this: for women like you who have later gone on to be married, some have told their husbands about their inner battles beforehand. What they found was a husband that helped them every day of their lives and a loving relationship with him. It takes a very special man, but Subhan'allah, they are out there. Others decided not to, but one day you'll decide about that.

            Regarding the cutting: I have experience with this, as well. You know it's a self esteem issue and you know it's not solving anything. Please my dear sister, stop. I tell you this as a Muslim who loves you because you are Allah's (swt) creation and I know that He does not want you to hurt yourself anymore. He loves you more than yourself. Please stop hurting your precious body. Do not forsake what you have been given.

            About prayer: Do you know why you do not feel guilty? The lust you feel can only prosper and live within you by getting rid of what will interfere with it. So in convincing you to not pray, it flourished even more so. Your guilt is replaced by ambivalence. You need to wrest back control of your life through submission to Allah (swt). Turn it around because actually praying is easier than not doing it and creating excuses. Set an alarm for salaat on your computer, your phone or buy a salaat clock. Change your behavioral environment.

            When you pray, I want you to think of something: that sajjod is the pinnacle of your prayer and this is doubly more so for you. When you kneel over and place your head on the ground, think to yourself and say, "This is where You gave me life, from dust." As you rise, think, "And so I live."

            In the second sajjod, say to Allah (swt), "And this is where you will return me in death, to dust." As you rise from this one, think, "And on the Day of Judgment you will raise me again." Allah ahkbar. Repeat this with each sajjod.

            Remember this in every instance and make it your triumph of submission. Yet, I also want you to think of this: you are putting you head on the ground and saying, "Allah (swt) help me develop a strong will and brain to overcome these nafs. You are as I want, so make me as You want." Then prolong sajjod for a moment and try to put your whole being into that placement of your forehead on the ground.

            I am sure that you have read a study that confirmed that when we bow down on the ground with our heads, we are 'grounding' the electrical charge of our body and relieving electrical build up within ourselves, both externally and internally. Yet, with the brain, this is even more so, because it develops its' own electrical pulses.

            I know you feel desperate, but Sister Bushra, there is so much hope for you and Allah (swt) is providing that. You live in an age wherein all this science did not exist 20 years ago, let alone 1400 years ago. You are blessed to have access to these things to help you with your situation. May a dua of gratitude for this today.

            Lastly, have you masturbated and/or watched porn? If so, what type of pornography?

  11. dear sister

    Dont be upset....inshahAllah everything would be fine.....
    you are a muslim girl and you have to prove that you are a believer.....
    Problems, tensions, depressions, exasperations etc are part of life....but it doesnt mean that one should give up and commit suicide....if you had to commit suicide than whats the difference of being a believer from a non believer....
    Ok being harsh....Commit suicide.....
    Now think what would happen if you do it?? nothing....
    the result of your suicide would be the dishonouring of your parents only into this pathetic society where people just keep on finding reasons to hurt and dishonour people....
    what about your mother who gave you birth?? do you want to prove that she was a bad mother?? do you want to prove that she gave birth to a devil girl?? do you want to prove that her training was weird and pathetic?? dont you realize how this would affect them.....
    OK fine you are a lesbo but that doesnt mean that you were born lesbo....you developed this into yourself....you have to realize that you are a female and you have to marry a man only.....females are such a wonderful creation and such a beautiful creation on this planet.....
    whats wrong with you girl?? wake up....
    nothing is too late and especially in your case.....try to keep your self calm....you dont want to marry....fine dont do it....but if you cant benefit to others than dont create problems for your family....please stop it right now

    No suicide...dont worry one day you will die than why so hurry.....just calm down and listen
    i am sorry for being so harsh dear but now you have to realize that killing is not the solution to any problem...there are so many people outside full of problems and they are managing their lives then why cant you.....pray pray and pray....first of all establish your prayers and do alot of zikr.....

    Ayat e Kareema is the best one for such bad situations...trust me it would help.....
    give time to family and friends.....talk to your close ones and get advise from them.....there are a lot of islamic forums....join them and read the stuff daily so u may know what problems the people are facing in this world.....

    try to invest time in healthy activities.....eat good food....travel and watch some good movies ....try some sports.....read read and read good material......its all in your brain....lesbo thingy is just in your brain thats it....once you keep yourself busy than all would be faded away.....

    you have to fight with your brain.....whenever a bad thought comes into your mind read Aouz Billah e Minashaytan ir rajeem.....read it 100 times when ever you feel something bad or dirty in your mind....

    dont be upset everything would be fine....we are here to help you ....
    just listen to everyone and please implement all this.......

    i hope you would keep informing us about your situation.....you can mail me if you wanted to......

    take good care of your self.......Love

    • Okay first off do not tell me that I'm creating problems for my family because i already know that. but you know what thanks though, for telling me because its giving me a better reason to kill myself.

    • Sorry for the earlier comment. I just got angry because i know its true. And the truth hurts. But i do appreciate your other comments. Thx

  12. "please give me reason why i shouldnt kill my self".... One reason that i could give you is; the prophet SAW said whoever kill him/her self by commit suicide,, would find his/her abode in hell fire, and he/she would dwell in that hell fire for all eternity.... But notable islamic schoolers like the late shiek anwar al awlaqi have interpreted the hadith and said that for a muslim who commits suicide, actually dwelling in the fire wouldnt be forever., but he/she is gonna abide therein for a very very long time which of course would be seen as if he/she is staying there for eternity... But at the end he/she would be taking out of the fire and admitted into paradise by Allah's mercy...

  13. O dear......You are just my younger sister and what the elders do! first they scold in order to get the attention of the individual and when they see the reaction of the individual, like i am seeing yours ....they become soft and lovely.....why because they want the best for their younger ones....
    I just want you to have a good life without any guilt because you are such a young and sweet girl and you are not supposed to think like this....
    Since i have read your post I am constantly thinking about your situation and praying to Allah for your well being and healthy life.....you just have to have patience.....eat good and your mind would become active.....
    offer prayers and do alot of zikr.....do read Ayat e Kareema....its very beneficial and trust me it would show you a miracle inshahAllah....
    We are here to help you out so dont take me wrong...if i was harsh in my words that i was just to ensure that we are talking to you and we are....just dont loose hope and dont commit suicide.....
    GIVE TIME TO YOURSELF..........TIME IS THE SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM.........

    I hope that you would take me positively and wont get hurt anymore......keep updating us regarding your situation

    Regards

  14. This po started feb4 and its now feb 6.
    Something or someone kept you alive. If you were certain suicide is wht you wanted you would have never started this post.

    Count your blessings.
    We are obviously muslims and we care for you. I dont know you and i care enough
    To read and comment.

    Live and love.
    Cry and repent.
    Time heals.
    We are here for you so be thankful for this new family and friends you gained.

    Would you want to be a real burden to your family and put them through depression
    And funeral cost?

    Would you want to be a real burden to us and let us think we failed?

    I was a volunteer fireman for 2 years. Saving lives is what some of us are born to do.
    I dont want our first life lost to be a muslim i had the chance to help.

    Im sure their are muslims here that live near you that can help you find employment and and a place to live.
    And help you find a husband.

  15. I really appreciate all of your comments. Don't worry I realized that killing myself will not take away my problem and actually increase more problems for me. As of right now I am going to school full time and looking for a job. I actually had a job interview today at a bank so really hoping they will call me back. I know I have more to life. I just have to be patience and sacrifice some things.

  16. Masha'allah.
    Keep strong. Move forward.

  17. Everybody gets a test in this life from Allah swt, deaths in the family, a bad disease, poverty, no kids etc etc etc and yours is being gay. Allah has made us a promise that He will never give us something on our path that we can not conquer. So if you have the promise in advance from the only Creator that you can handle it there is actually no reason for sorrow. And certainly not to the point of suicide.

    By knowing it is a test, you must know that being a lesbian is not a sin and it will not bring you to hell, because you have a choice. There is a difference by being a lesbian and be a true a muslim, and being a lesbian and act like the kuffar. As long as you act like muslim and keep away form acts of kuffar Insaallah you will succeed. And if you ever make a slip know that Allah is the Most Mercyfull and the Great Forgiver! The Quran learns us that Allah will accept our apoligies (if He wants) as long as we ask and beg for it, the only time it will not be accepted is when you see death. So never ever have doubts about Allah and say crazy things like going to hell, because that is only up to Allah. I think your plans of suicide are a bigger sin than your feelings.

    You might think it is easy for us here to talk without dealing with the emotions you are dealing with, but know that everybody has their own test and the experience in emotions might be the same. I think its for the best if you meet women who have the same issues as you to see how they deal with it. And by that i mean muslim women who fight against their feelings, praise Allah, pray, fast and are true muslim.

    Plans of suicide are wisperings of the shaytaan. You want reasons not to kill youself, well start by looking at your beloved ones, do you really want to destroy their lifes? Create so much pain and emptiness in their lives? Do they deserve that? Look at all the blessings you have... You are a healthy young woman, who has the world at her feet. you can eat, drink, have a roof over your head, education and medical care. Then you are more blessed than millions of other people in the world and you want to throw away all these blessings? Sorry but that is selfish to all those other millions of people.

    Being gay is not the end of the world, but a test. Know that Allah is with the patient ones. The greater the test, the greater the reward. The most difficult tests are giving to the people that Allah loves most. So that means that Allah swt loves you so much, that He has a big reward for you, but before He gives it to you, He wants to know if you are worth it! So show Him your love and dedication and dont let the shaytaan ruin it for you by killing yourself!

    You have these thoughts because you focus too much on this world, but this world is only apparent and temporary, concentrate on the afterlife and think about that great reward waiting for you. But you can only have it by being patient and not by killing yourself...

  18. Okay I haven't read a single post here, I read your introduction and I recognise this is a classic case of shay`tan the acursed`s trickery may Allah deal justice to him and grant him his eternity of punishment.

    Okay sister 🙂 Let's start with the basics;

    1.) Allah tests those He loves, in your case SEVERELY,

    Okay so we know that... then there's

    2.) Once we realise that then we have to realise that this life is VERY VERY VERY SHORT and the NEXT LIFE IS ETERNAL

    Our only problem is that we DO NOT REALISE THIS INTERNALLY and COGNITIVELY

    once you actually literally CLOCK AND REALISE that our REAL EXISTANCE for ETERNITY is AFTER WE DIE

    then you will realise that we need to work only for our next life.

    where EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR NEEDS IS MET

    Allah rewards believers by creating "whatever they wish" (Surat ash-Shura, 22; Surat al-Furqan, 16; Surat az-Zumar, 34). There, they have EVERYTHING that their HEARTS want. In Surat al-Kahf, 35, Allah says that He will give believers more than they can desire or imagine, and that these blessings will be increased several-fold in Paradise.

    Think of the story of AYUB (Alay`his`salam) how he was tested so much and then Allah rewarded him in the hereafter greatly Allah knows best!! 🙂

    My advice is FORGET EVERYTHING and CLEAR YOUR MIND TOTALLY, start from the UTTER BASICS of ISLAM

    Clear your MIND, RECONNECT WITH ALLAH, know that HE is with us everywhere by HIS KNOWLEDGE.

    so just clear your mind and focus on that connection with Allah and just raise your hands and make DUA TO ALLAH.

    So if you think about it all you need to do is just do Ghusl once, make wudhu too, pray your salah 5 times a day.

    Just try and do that.

    One reason not to do suicide is that it will only result in the hellfire, Allah knows best.

    You need to keep up your struggle against your nafs because shay`tan is making a fool out of you by whispering into your heart to not pray and to kill yourself and do you know what hes going to say when you blame him???

    "it wasn't me, I only WHISPERED into her heart and suggested it, SHE DID IT IT WAS HER FAULT"

    so please be careful and realise this and start praying again,

    it doesnt matter how much you sin just NEVER LOSE HOPE IN ALLAHS MERCY AS HIS MERCY ENCOMPASSES ALL THINGS.

    YOU ARE NOT SINFUL FOR FEELING SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO THE SAME SEX, your only sin is if you act on those feelings so just say "A`oodhu billahi min`ash`shaytan ar`rajeem" when you get whispers from shaytan

    your lack of guilt is because RASUL ALLAH peace be upon him said to the effect of that the sin for the believer is like a mountain is going to crash down onto him but the sin for a sinner is like a little fly he shoos away

    read some Qur`an, it will SHAKE YOUR NAFS into realising how silly you've been to be taken down such an evil path with such an evil destination if you do not mend your ways.

    Don't over do it because you should "FEAR ALLAH TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY"

    May Allah guide us all to the straight path and be of the people He loves.

    Please my dear sister Busha just try and save yourself, May Allah make your situation easier for you

    Allah does NOT TEST US BEYOND OUR CAPACITY this means that you are really a STRONG WOMAN and it is shay`tan may Allah protect us from him that is making a mockery of you.

    I will make dua for you

    may Allah make you an excellent Muslimah and forgive you for all of your sins!

Leave a Response