Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My ex-husband refused to change, how to overcome this fact?

Divorce leads to a broken home

assalamu alaykum,

It's been a year now after my divorce and I still can't seem to find peace knowing that my ex husband chose to divorce me instead of changing. I changed a lot for him when he asked, and tried my best. I was never unjust to him, but he simply did not care as he was unjust when he felt like it and claimed that his sins are his. I just feel that marriage should be 50/50. Wasn't it my right to be treated justly?

I gave up my virginity for his sake, but after marriage it just felt like I was a halaal prostitute. He told me later he only married for sex and that he did not love me, so why did he not tell me this when he came to propose ? I would not even have looked at him twice, but he told me when he came to propose that he wanted to build a family etc. and then later he tells me things changed? Okay, I was not perfect, but I was never unjust subhanALLAH out of fear of Allah.

He become worse day by day.  I was so hurt and ended up asking him to choose between changing for the sake of Allah or to divorce me- he then said he would rather divorce. Was I wrong?

I am now better off am not being insulted anymore, not being used, not being treated unjustly, and I'm living happily with my baby, but I can't stop thinking of his cruel words and actions in the past. I just can't believe it, whenever I wake up I realize it's reality and it hurts a lot. I looked up to to him, and this is how he looked down upon me. it doesn't make sense- instead of sleeping around I chose to marry for the sake of my deen, but still I was deprived of rightful love?

How do I move on without wanting justice? Am I right to ask for justice? Whenever he asked me to give him another chance, i did; but when I asked him once to do me good he refused. This is very traumatic for me, how do I overcome this?


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9 Responses »

  1. assalamu alaikum sister,

    reading your post really really touched me.You know it had me thinking, we as women especially as muslimas we see our marriage our wedding night as our "coming to life moment" its the height of happiness before children come...we dont seem to alot of us atleast ever think that things are not always what they seem. We are dreamy, the men eager to marry alot of times tell us what we want to hear, they love us etc when really dont even know us..they may love us for the sake of Allah swt but do they really love US??i think there is a difference.

    You didnt give up anything..virginity was for you as well. It was a gift and you gave it because you had sincere intentions, you cant be mad at yourself for that.It is his loss that he walked away. My problem in this situation is that people are so quick to get married either because they want sex and they rush into it.They DONT know themselves, get married and aid in ruining someone elses life because they were not ready now they have the responsibilty of a partner and children then all of a sudden.."it isnt for them" astagfirullah. then you have a woman that is now divorced not to her wanting with children in tow. We are not simply "throwaways" or "trial and errors" it is horrid that we see each other as so disposible.

    sister, i think all of us as wives we want to have sabr and trust that we endure hardships to show our faithfulness but we should have LIMITS... we are not doormats we are NOT CREATED to be punching bags nor cursed to.We teach people how to treat us.sister i have six children..(one on way) 2 sets of twins and one individual and im holding one now...and even with all this, i would leave my husband if he exceeded the bounds of an occasional argument and became abusive. I will go back home and work and make a life for me and my children. I was not created to be someones prey, i am a creation of Allah swt and my life is to serve this purpose. Not to shield in fear and bad words...

    you should see yourself as the same. Stop thinking why why why...just be glad it is over. the best revenge is success, dont mope around worrying about him. He probably will do the same to another lady. Be happy you got out of it. You have a life to live so live it.Life isnt a rehearsal.You get one try and that is to serve Allah swt..


  2. As-salamu alaykum sister. You did the best thing by divorcing him. Have no regret. You said it yourself: "I am now better off am not being insulted anymore, not being used, not being treated unjustly, and I'm living happily with my baby..." So say Alhamdulillah for freeing you from that misery!

    As for getting justice from him, forget about that. You cannot squeeze blood from a stone. Ask for your justice from Allah, and He will reward you in other ways.

    There's an expression: "Living well is the best revenge." Carrying bitterness and anger in your heart only hurts you. Try to let all of that go and focus on your present - with your lovely child ma-sha-Allah - and your future. In time the bitterness will pass.

    Wael Editor

  3. Assalam alaikum sister,

    MashaAllah, you have a baby and you will have wonderful moments with that child that your ex-husband will not have.

    I don't think you should second guess yourself and wonder if what you did was wrong. You did the best and offered him a choice between becoming a better person or divorcing--it sounds like the obvious choice was to become a better person!

    Take care of yourself, your baby and be happy all the time. Think about the things that Allah has given to you that you can be thankful for.

    Justice will come for sure--some of it maybe in this world and definitely in the hereafter. You are valid for feeling how you feel--but just do not dwell on it. Do not let him be the first thought of your day. Do not let him make you feel sorrowful--give yourself permission to move on and dwell on all the good things in your life instead.

    It is really awful that he said he only married you for sex. I admit that hearing that part was really awful because it makes no sense. I don't understand why a person would want to treat badly the person they are intimate with especially because it shows a lack of respect for the person being used and a lack of respect for oneself. I would say that he doesn't have much self-respect because how could he use and disrespect you without doing the same to himself. He probably wasn't ready for marriage and needed to grow up a lot.

    I am very happy for you though, that you got away from a dangerous relationship. May Allah grant you peace and happiness in all aspects of your life inshaAllah! Ameen!

  4. Assalamu Alaykum,

    Dear sister, Allah Azzawajal has a plan for us all, and even if we don't understand why certain things happen, we must always put our trust in Him. Your baby was a result of your marriage, so there was something good that came of it. It must be hard to deal with all the pain, but in time it will hurt less inshaa Allah. Just remain patient and try to move forward. Keep yourself busy, and focus on the positive things in your life. May Allah make things easy for you ameen.

  5. As-salam-alaikum Sister,
    Other brothers/sisters have already advised well. I would just add that acceptance is what you need to have. you should accept what that happened as good came out of bad. If you accept what has happened and if you think that whatever happens, happens for a reason and that allah(Swt) does everything for our betterment then you would no longer waste your life thinking about him or past life. There is no way you could have prevented his decision all you can do is just accept that this was not meant to be. There is no point asking the why's and if's because you will not get any answers. you will just go crazy. I have realized something after a long time. I always thought if I be good I will also get good thing in life and people will treat me well too. How wrong I was. Just because you love someone with all your heart doesn't mean that the person will love you too. Just because you are doing good actions doesn't mean your life will turn out great! So just think that whatever happened was for the best. Maybe Allah has saved you from this man. All you can do now is sincerely repent to Allah now for your mistake of Zina.

    If you want justice, ask for it from Allah(swt). He is the one who provides justice to all.

    You should be thankful to almighty to taking you out of hell. You have a blessing and a big reason (your child) to live happily together. Your traumatic period is over, open your eyes and see. Just forget about what happened in the past like a bad dream and stop having grudges for him. Slowly, but surely you will heal. You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.

    Remember this,

    ALLAH does not change a people´s condition unless they change what is in their hearts…. [13:11]

    change yourself and the world around you will change.

    Your Sister

  6. assalamalaikim
    It's been a year now after my divorce and I still can't seem to find peace knowing that my ex husband chose to divorce me instead of change-

    Go Out and Get It!

    Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "Seek out that which benefits you, seek help only from Allah and never say you can't do it. If any adversity comes to you do not say: 'If I had only acted in such-and-such a way, it would have been such-and-such;' but instead, say: 'Allah has decreed (it) and what He willed, He has done,' for verily, (the word) ‘if’ opens the way for the work of Satan." [Sahih Muslim]

    Through this hadith Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) tells us to:

    1. Seek the beneficial.
    2. Ask Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for help.
    3. Be optimistic. Nothing is impossible if Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) wills it for you.
    4. Don’t cry over spilt milk.
    5. Trust Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) in what He has willed for you.

    Time is like a river . . . You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed and will never pass again. If there is something that will benefit you, make every effort and go after it! Seek it out! There is no failure, only lessons.

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