Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I had a chance to marry a Muslim and did not, am I doomed?

Atomic mushroom cloudHi, I wanted to get advice because I am a non Muslim girl who fell in love with a Muslim guy. We have been together for about 4 years. It has always been up and down because we never knew if we were going to get married - but you cannot help who you fall for.

I have always believed in God but since meeting him my world just suddenly changed and was so amazing! He strengthened my belief even more in God and taught me so much about Islam. I was so skeptical before about Islam but what he taught me made me fall in love with it more and it made me wonder where has this religion been my whole life?

Honestly I knew before i met him my life wasn't what i wanted and i chased for material possessions and had a massive void that couldn't ever be filled and i thought this void was a partner who would provide me with love, support and security. Which he did. But what i did love about him which is obviously different from other past relationships is, we had the background of islam and God behind us so we knew whatever we was going through in life, we would ultimately be ok. This provided me with alot of security.

The problem is his family are a diff culture to mine and my non Muslim family wouldn't accept him. I had to make a very difficult decision which I deeply regret now every single day and it is so hurtful and torturous that I feel I want to take my own life because what he offered me was the best possible future. I like Islam and the more and more I read on it I grow go love it but my family cannot know this as they are so against it.

So because I felt he wasn't strong enough to fight for (he wanted someone his own culture and religion but that wouldn't have been a problem because I would have converted in secrecy) I let him go - I seriously didn't want to but I knew I'd lose all my family members and that I would be going into a new culture and religion and it scared me!!

He has a very big immediate first family and so I just felt I wasn't good enough like he wanted someone from his own culture who wore a headscarf and I wasn't that girl. Although he loved me deeply and respected me because I'm modest and I stopped drinking and tried to get on the right path.

Now I feel this is torture because - I've lost Islam because I've lost him. He is now with someone else and it kills me everyday because he's in love with someone else - so our love wasn't real or true love? Why were two souls allowed to meet and never be able to be together? We've been apart for nearly over one year but in that year I've messaged him every 2 weeks, saying how I've made a mistake and why can't we just get married. Trying to stupidly convince him that we are good together and that we can have an amazing future. I think hes fallen out of love and is going to marry this girl because she is same religion and culture.

I'm not scared anymore about now being with him, I was then but now I've realised I can give up these things for him because he is the love of my life and i cannot live my life without him. But now it is too late?! He's marrying this girl and he's forgotten me and put me in his past and all his messages are heartless. Its paining me that this is the same person who was such a good decent person now has turned cold and horrible towards me.

Yes we weren't perfect together we argued alot. He had concerns about my behaviour and attitude and how that would work in a marriage and with his family. I've tried to tell him yes we argued alot it was down to his jealously and also because we couldn't actually be together so alot of the arguments was down to that. If it was easier for us we probably wouldn't have as much. but I love him deeply for the man he is - he is such a gentleman kind caring and above all god fearing man. That's what I love about him the most he was always there for me always eased my pain and suffering my biggest support and confidant. Being with him was the best time of my life because I felt alive and I knew this is what I've always wanted if the circumstances were easier and I took the easy way out to not displease family.

Now I am worried because God may think I've disowned Islam and rejected him and his path and now i am suffering?

I did Istikharah and there were signs that it wasn't meant to be - he distanced himself from me he was physically a lot more distant from me as he moved elsewhere. BUT i cannot help but think i have made the worst decision of my life and put my family, human beings, above my happiness and following what i wanted to do. It was fear that made not pursue it, it was fear that made me think my happiness isn't important because i dont want to ruin and upset my family and their reputation. I didnt want bad ties with them because wat if i needed them? how was i going to cope with his family etc and literally leaving behind and giving up alot for him. I used to stress about this alot but i always knew that God would have put us two together because we were good for each other. To me he filled that void.

Was this in God´s decree? Wouldn't God want me to follow islam? Is it me who has made the decision or was it God´s decree? have i negatively impacted my life due to the free will that i hold? If it was God´s decree then does that mean he hates me because i wont now then be following it and have to go back to marrying a non muslim as i cannot go through all this pain and suffering again?

Honestly the pain of losing this person, who was my best friend and every single thing to me, is the worst pain ive ever experienced in my life. Its pure torture and heart break. Every day it just gets worse and worse and even trying to plead with him he is not having it and said he has moved on with his life.

I am also so worried and scared that i wont ever met anyone like him as the non muslims ive gone for before are nothing in comparison to him. I get that he rightfully moved on because we made that decision (on my part in hesitation) but he's hurt me so much because hes moved on with someone we both knew.

Please let me know your thoughts on this to offer any guidance.


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8 Responses »

  1. Honestly I am no scholar but I am just telling you this as per Islam that overthinking bis from Satan.

    Analysing your story seems like you loved the guy and wanted to revert to Islam for that guy and not for Islam as a religion.

    That guy came into your life to introduce you to Islam and he went out of your life as a test for you from Allah(SWT) you don't convert to Islam cause you loved him or a human. You convert to Islam cause you loved God and God willed it. You should be more close to your creator than human and if you have understood Islam you should know that there is no God but Allah that's the first belief you carry as a Muslim and there is no obligation in Islam to revert.

    You wanted to revert cause of him( which is totally wrong) he was just the means to introduce you to this beautiful religion and his job is done . Provided, he was destined for you Allah would have United you and him but he is not. He must be a good man but if Allah willed it would have happened . If not no matter how much you try it won't. Your priority should be God not him as this is a test for you from God and Allah is testing you whom would you choose now? Allah wants you to come to Islam and that's why you met this man. His job is done now you decide wisely if you love God or if you love him more and may be if you chose God . You never know if Allah wills this man whom you loved may even come back to you as a miracle and if not may be the mission was for you to be a Muslim. It's called destination. You decide what is important . Your God ,your family or this man.

    May Allah make this test easy for you and make you chose wisely . Aameen.

    Jazakhallah Khair.

  2. OP: I am a non Muslim girl who fell in love with a Muslim guy. We have been together for about 4 years. It has always been up and down because we never knew if we were going to get married .....I have always believed in God but since meeting him my world just suddenly changed and was so amazing! He strengthened my belief even more in God and taught me so much about Islam. I was so skeptical before about Islam but what he taught me made me fall in love with it more and it made me wonder where has this religion been my whole life?.....So because I felt he wasn't strong enough to fight for (he wanted someone his own culture and religion but that wouldn't have been a problem because I would have converted in secrecy) I let him go -

    You were with him for 4 years and he wanted to marry some one from his own culture. He used you for 4 years. I don't see where/when he was ready to marry you.

    • Agree, for 4 years he didn’t have the intention to be with you. Just time passing. It was a blessing in disguise. You got to learn the beauty of Islam. He came to your life for a reason. He was stern about not wanting to marry you. That should have been a sign. That’s really hurtful thing for him to say. He uses you for 4 years friendship but had the nerve to say you are not my cultural and religion background, so I don’t want you.

  3. Salam Sister,

    I agree with Heena, Allah places us in such situations to test us, yours reminds me of myself very much, I too fell for a brother who introduced me to Islam and the same way stayed with me for a number of years with no intention of marrying me. During that time I accepted Islam, not for him but I sincerely believe that was for me from Allah a gift because I was reading so much about it and realised life had a purpose. Now 20 years later it is still the gift i cling on so tightly to. I’ve come to realise that since embracing islam you are placed in situations where you are tested and often things can be removed with wisdom that we not always understand. Place your trust in Allah and accept that you were placed in this situation through this man and now Allah has removed him for a reason.
    You will meet a lot of muslim people, sisters and brothers through the various avenues we all connect through.
    I can totally relate to your concerns about your family not accepting your decision, I am from a catholic background not practicing but my mum didn’t speak to me, my grandmother also whom i was very close with, my family as a whole acted weirdly with me. By the will of Allah after some time, hearts soften and change becomes normal again so now I’m in a very good standing in my family. I have a family of my own and I believe this to be answered prayers that i’ve asked in my younger years when things seemed impossible. I pray you accept your gift from Allah, keep asking what you want from your lord and even if it won’t happen now it will come to you in the most unexpected way. Remember Allah never burdens someone with more than they can handle.

  4. In this world, we have been given free will by Allah SWT. It does not really matter if your love for him was true or not. You gave your heart to someone who was a stranger to you, he was not your husband. This is the reason why it is Haram to have love-dove talks with namehram. You should not be relying on him to come to Islam. Allah SWT alone is better than this man. What you should be focussing now is to know the reality of this universe. You should turn towards the one and only Allah SWT, the creator of this universe. This life is temporary, and youth also does not last forever.

    If you fear that your family won't be happy about your decision to come to Islam, then think about the day of judgment. On that day, would your family help you?. Everyone would be accountable for their own deeds.

  5. Sister, this world is a testing ground, until our past breath. All goodness and happiness we receive, all sadness, anxiety, torture we feel, all are tests. It’s a simple system: you are faced with a situation, you react, the two angels on your shoulders then recorded your reaction. It’s like that all the way until death.

    But Allah is Most-Forgiving, Most-Loving, The Most Competent Helper. He promises ease after hardships. My favourite chapter in the quran to read whenever I feel stressed out, is this Allah said, twice in that chapter “So, surely, after hardship comes ease. Indeed, after hardship comes ease.”

    Him now writing “heartless” messages with you is likely to obey Allah, for he forbids even coming close (approaching) anything that can lead to zina (unlawful sexual relations), which usually start with having “feelings” for those who aren’t our lawful spouse.

    Sister, this life is temporary and short. I feel your pain, sister, I was in a position too years ago where I have to let go of someone. It’s never easy, whether through death or separation while being alive.

    But once I realize only Allah is always there, and people will always come and go, I let go. Ask Allah to expand your chest so you will feel ease. Ask Allah to guide you, and to ease the heavy burden you feel in your shoulders and chest. Ask Allah to make your love Allah the greatest than your love towards anything. I promise you: Allah always listens. Ask Him tirelessly, with sureness in your heart that He will protect you from any harm, including emotionally.

    Our desires in this world will never ends, sister, until our death. Romance, food, money, luxury, etc. We get a little, then we want more. That is human nature, that is how Allah created us. He wants to see whether we will prefer to follow our desires, or, follow Allah’s command.

    “Do not lose hope, nor be sad” Quran 3:139.

    Always have hope, sister, that Allah will give something or someone much much better than the one you lost. I can guarantee that Allah never fails in His promise. It happened to me, so you have to have very strong hope it will happen to you too.

    I don’t think you are doomed. Because how can Allah let someone goes astray after He guides them? It’s not that man who has guided you, it’s Allah. Allah CHOSES you to be guided, as He finds your heart worthy of guidance. Which means, He finds goodness in you. Allah probably choses that man to be an example to show you, that there are goodness out there.

    Try not to pray asking Allah to return him to you, because sometimes what we like isn’t what’s best for us. Rather, pray for Allah for anything in this life you will ever receive is the BEST for you until you die.

    Be strong, sister. Don’t be sad. Try to shift your focus to be thankful in whatever you still have now, because you think you are miserable now, but wouldn’t you be even MORE miserable if Allah takes away what you possess right now? Be thankful to Allah. I will pray for you, may Allah sends many happiness your way and increase your guidance. Ameen.

  6. When I read your post, I couldn't help but feel as though the mentioning of your ex' religion is completely irrelevant to what you are asking for advice about. You're not even Muslim yourself either so, really, I don't quite understand why it is you're looking for Islamic advice. A person that wants to convert to Islam just does it (after having done their research, of course)...and their decision does not rely on a love interest. You seem to completely rely on a love say it yourself that islam was with your ex, and that it left with him. That's not how Islam works, my Dear. Islam should be with YOU, not the man you're with. In that way, Islam stays with you even when / if your man does not...

    The way I see it, you're just seriously overthinking a common breakup, and forcing yourself to feel a connection to islam when you really don't feel much or anything at all - which is fine, obviously. My advice to you is to just move on from this past relationship (like your ex has) and figure yourself out. When you have, maybe you'll be more sure about whether or not you believe in Allah. And maybe not view Islam as something people have to bring into your life like a borrowed gift they can take back anytime they want.

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