Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Regretting breaking my engagement

Self respect

Assalamu alaikum... I'm a 23 year old who's been fixed for the past one year, it's been arranged and recently got engaged.. in the one year of being fixed me the guy I been fixed with had communication through chatting sometimes calls and in the process we fell deeply in love... but as time went he started changing and started putting a lot of restrictions which I felt where baseless.

We started fighting every day and he would always put up things like "I'm going to end the relationship.. I don't want to marry you anymore.." Every time he said that it broke me and I would cry about it... many times when he said that I lost hope and told him to do as he wished but than he would go on with the relationship.. he often asked me to do things my heart didn't consent to but always added if I didn't do it he'd call off the relationship.

Until one day my mom caught me crying and I told her about it all and she told me that it can't work that way and we should call off the engagement and confronted him, he apologised for his actions and promised he wouldn't repeat it but this time my heart wouldn't agree and all I wanted was to end the relationship... And we called of the engagement..

And now I am regretting it with thoughts of no one will marry me... putting more problems for my parents having to find a new guy.. the whole future we planned together and despite everything he did he was perfect for me and is the only one I could be happy with... Yet I feel it's too late now as the engagement is broken and as I was the one that said I didn't want to go on anymore..

How will I convince my parents of feeling I took a wrong step and since than praying to Allah to bring him back or guide me on what to do ... in need of advice of what to do.. Jazakallah

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20 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    The reason for why you are unhappy has to do with your thinking. You believe no one will marry you and this is not true. You probably also think that if you married him, all would be fine. I can tell you based on him asking you to do things that you didn't want to and threatening a breakup in order to get his way is called manipulation. It is abusive and there is no other way to describe it. Also, looking at the future with rose-tinted glasses always looks great, but it isn't reality.

    Happiness in marriage isn't dependent on a specific person, but rather compatibility. There are other people out there.

    Your mother was right. Imagine if your mother found out and forced you to continue the engagement and married him when you didn't want to--then most likely you would be writing here about that. It is better to see the blessing in this and move on.

    May Allah swt help you to overcome this time in your life, Ameen.

  2. I agree you need to stop the way you think it is negative. If you have a negative mind you wont have the positive mind FACT. Let him go and look forward to the future and YES someone better will come and you will count your blessings. You are very lucky you didn't marry him which woman would want a man like this! You deserve better time. Your parents stood by you and only want the best for you. You will get a better rishta have faith and put faith into your prayers.

    Lastly I like to add is never ever let a man use you before marriage its not worth risking anything. May Allah bring happiness to you and your family inshAllah.

  3. SalamAlikum Sister,

    I am actually happy for you that you have a loving, caring and concerned mother who get you out of this engagement. You should be happy and said Alhumduallah that your mother caught it quick and Allah protects you from the possible future abuse.

    Your parents want the best for you, they won't feel trouble or bother to find another good proposal for you. Inshallah, under the care of your parents,they will find a good husband for you. (I am a parent and I know it, we want our daughters be treated respect and love. It is never a bother for a parent. No need to overburden yourself.)

    You haven't even married this guy but he puts restrictions on you and verbal threaten you. This is not a guy with character that you can spend your life with. No matter how sincere he apologized. Don't turn back.

    There is no need to hurry and don't be desperate, marriage is a serious matter and for life. You need to respect yourself and be confident in front of guys. I hope I am wrong, you sound like you will compromise and tolerate for unfair treatment. A good husband will respect and appreciate who you are. Be a proud confident muslimah!

    Praise to Allah for his protection and pray to Him for a better husband, inshallah.

  4. Because you had become attached to him as much as you did, it is natural for you to feel regret and doubts. I know it is hard but from experience the best thing you can do at this time is to observe sabar. It is important to remember that Allah loves us more than 70 mothers could love their child therefore he will only give is what is best for us. Though it doesn't seem like it yet perhaps there is some blessing in thos break up that only Allah knows of. Just remember if he is meant for u Allah will inshallah bring him back in your life somehow. In the meantime just pray 🙂

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  6. Sister im sorry to hear your feeling this way, I hope you have started feeling better.

    Obviously when you got engaged you must have had many expectations and thoughts of a life full of happiness when u would marry your husband to be, and all of this was shattered when the engagement broke. You now feel guilty and upset. Your self esteem has been affected too which is probably why you are doubtful of your future. These are all natural responses to the break up of any relationship. Your feeling this way because of your emotional attachment to him.

    But sister you shouldn't regret your decision. Judging by what you have written you made the absolute correct decision which was further supported by your parents. In a way you have actually made a very lucky escape. Based on what you have said it seemed your fiancé was quite controlling and manipulative. He was pressuring you to do things that you didn't agree with. And he was behaving this way even before you got married, when islamically he had no rights over you - can you imagine how difficult he would have made your life after the marriage.

    Having arguments during the 'honey moon' period even before the marriage is defintly a red flag. Marriage is a life long commitment - why risk your life marrying someone who doesn't make you happy and who manipulates you by threatening to end the relationship. I'm sure after the marriage he would have repeatedly threatened you with divorce to get his way.

    Alhamdulillah that the engagement broke, it's a blessing in disguise. Don't worry about putting your parents through the effort of finding another suitable spouse. I'm sure they are much happier now knowing that they can look for a more suitable spouse for you who will treat you with respect and keep you happy, rather than marrying you off with someone who was making you cry and manipulating you.

    So sister, be happy, your one of the lucky ones, it seems Allah swt had protected you from a miserable marriage, others aren't so lucky.
    Focus on yourself, inshaAllah soon enough you will forget the past and move onto a better future, and understand that what happened was for the best. Learn from the situation and move forward.

    Your very young and I'm sure your also smart and beautiful so im sure you will find a more suitable spouse for yourself. Don't worry about your engagement breaking. I think it was the right decision.

  7. I think setting up rules before marriage never works. And it is childish to break an engagement based on something that would not mean much after marriage anyway.

    This happens frequently where the boy is silly enough to put restrictions and the girl silly enough to react and break things off.

    I think you should go back to the boy and ask him to stop doing this and get back together. I know most people would call these red flags, but to be honest these arent enough to decide fates.


    • What are you talking about ? He was manipulating her and asking her to do things she didn't consent to. She was miserable and crying - if this was happening before the marriage it would most likely get worse after marriage , that would be a whole lifetime of misery and manipulation! She did the right thing by breaking the engagement - she should stick to her decision and move forward.

  8. Bucks
    you will want this girl to "move on" without even asking what exactly he made her do?
    This relationship sounds like it was long distance and got prolonged due to issues from the girls side.
    if a guy and girl get engaged to be married...and it goes on and on with out converting to marriage...things start getting boring...guy and girl start fighting.

    best solution would have been for the parents to step in...fix a marriage date and stick to it. Not the girls mother encouraging her daughter to pull the trigger on the relationship.

    Bucks, do not judge a situation from one post of 20 lines and give people faulty broken advice to move on.
    if this girl is hurting it actually means there was something real between the guy and the girl and all their issues would have easily been resolved once they were married and started living together.

    I hope you will mind your comments next time before asking people to take steps they will regret even more than before they had come to this page for help.

    Thanks 🙂

    • Sr. Bucks should mind her comments but everything you inferred was not mentioned any more than the things that her fiancee asked her to do.

      He threatened her during a time when he is a non-Mehram to her. And since you know less the OP's mother who advised her daughter to not continue the engagement based on these incidences, I am not sure where you are getting the idea that the mother was wrong. We have no reason to believe that.

      And where does it say that the engagement was prolonged due to the girl's side? You have read way more into what she has written.

    • Wulk your entitled to your opinion but I don't think you have any right to judge me based on the advice I have given. If you think I'm wrong then fair enough - write your response without judging others opinions and find out more detailed facts if you believe this will help the sister. If you had the patience and sense you would read my responses to other people and you would realise that I don't advocate breaking a relationship and think carefully before I respond. As far as I can see, this sister was miserable during her engagement and being manipulated. I'm sure her mother would have known the full details and would not encourage her to take a big step such as breaking an engagement without a good reason. I suggest you stop judging me and actually write something that would be productive for the sister asking for help.

      Thanks 🙂

  9. Again.
    you ladies have no idea on the actual story...neither do i.
    having said that Bucks...quit insulting peoples" sense" it is very unbecoming of you as a member here who contributes so much to this forum.

    All i want to get across is that long distance rarely works...especially one that is prolonged.

    Maybe i have read too much into this...maybe i am spot on, but it goes with out saying the girl and guy did have something special. Atleast from the way the girl has described her feelings for the guy.

    why dont one of you ask the girl for the full story?

    • Exactly just like you don't like being judged about your 'sense' stop judging and insulting me too, especially since you don't know the facts either. I repeat my earlier point - Why don't u ask her and write something productive on here.

    • Even if you were spot on, you wrote: "best solution would have been ..." This isn't a competition about who was or wasn't spot on.

      Would have, could have, should have are now over. What should she do now?

  10. Lol im sorry bucks if i offended you.
    not going to respond further to your extremely respectful and " productive" responses.

    Saba: i suppose the girl should ask the guy if he is still interested?
    Even though she is the one who ended it all.But given the fact that she is second guessing her own may give her closure over the subject. It may help her to accept this as life and move on.

    Sadly we have to pick ourselves up no matter how hard it is because no one actually can, except the person him/herself.

    • Your clearly not sorry wulk - you seem to enjoy judging others. I'd appreciate it if you kept me out of your future responses, I find you very offensive.

  11. Munira Patel, if you dont mind, and if you would like more constructive suggestions from the readers here, you may want to share some more details about your problem.

    For example, the nature of what your ex fiance was asking of you that you did no agree with?
    If your mother had not given you the go, would you still have ended it?

    Others please feel free to ask sis Munira...depression takes a toll on people and ruins their lives, lets try and help her recover insha Allah.

  12. Assalamu alaikum.. Jazakallah for responding to my post by reading all the post it made me more sure of my decision and that I didn't take a wrong step.. with time I'm overcoming the grief and the regret and moving on Alhamdulillah..there are times the same thoughts get stuck in my head but I have accepted reality and that it wasn't meant to be and Allah has something better in store for me....... also would like to apologise for any inconvenience that was caused because I didn't put all the facts in as I felt they were a bit personal and should be kept to myself...

    • Salaam Sister,

      I went through the EXACT same ordeal. I just wanted to ask what happened. Did you eventually move on to someone better or did you go back to the same guy?

      Jazakallah Khair

  13. Unfortunately, I experienced a similar situation myself.

    I was engaged for over a year - and over the period of time my fiancée started acting in a way that I too was shocked - I.e. asking for her "autonomy", and the "freedom" to do what she wanted, when she wanted - I did get upset with the tone that were being used to set my and my family's stage for her arrival.

    In the end - she broke it off with the communication that I was restrictive and was overbearing - because I had communicated that it was not the right tone or communication.

    But yes, engagements over an excessive period of time tend to be very fragile, and hurt.

    I am still going through the healing process, as my engagement dissolved a month ago (a month before my wedding) - my nikkah would have been this Friday.

    iA, Allah knows best what lies ahead for me, iA.

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