Rejected by society
- Assalamualaikum everyone,
I'm new here. For the last couple of months I feel very depressed. I'm a 22 year old woman, and I don't have friends: not even 1 person. Since I was a child, people find me weird, strange, different, or extravagant. I got rejected many, many times by people: women, men, muslim, non-muslim. I never had a true friend. Well, sometimes I had, but after a while they don't want to be with me anymore. All friendships that I had in the past only lasted a couple of months. That's why I'm lonely now.
They say that you should always be yourself. But what if being yourself causes you to get rejected by everyone? It's killing me. Thats why I'm very afraid to meet new people or to get married. They may like me in the beginning, but eventually they will find me strange. I don't want to play someone else. I want to be me. But "being me" is hard, because I'm way too different. I can't help it, I was just born this way. Allah SWT made me this way.
Yes, I'm in therapy. They say that I suffer from a lot of different personality disorders. Thats why its so hard for me to change. But to be honest, therapy does not help much, only like 30%. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm possessed.
I want to die. I already know that I will never have friends or a husband. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts. The only thing that is stopping me is that you will be in hellfire for eternity. That's the only reason why I'm not comitting suicide.
Please someone, help me. I'm desperate. I'm afraid to meet new people. I'm afraid to go to university. I'm afraid to live. I feel like I don't belong in this world.
- Walaikum Salaam,
flowergirl5
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Aslaam
I said on a previous post of mine that I will never comment or contribute to this site again as I feel the editors of this website constantly delete my posts for no reason but after reading this I am compelled to post.
Sister, BE YOURSELF AND CONTINUE TO DO SO!!!!!
As long as it agrees with Islamic rules, and it doesnt hurt/harm another human being, you should act and live the way YOU want, NOT the way society wants.
So what if people reject you? You weren't created by Allah to please them so how does their opinion matter? Sister I barely have ANY friends left and I admit - I'm a weirdo and people think I'm weird. I EMBRACE IT!!!
Being normal is boring, everyone has a certain uniqueness and if people reject you for it then FORGET them! One should only change for Allah and themselves, NOT other people.
May Allah help you 🙂
P.s. ok website editors, remove my post, we all know you will anyway since you ALWAYS do.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Asim,
How do you know that the Editors deleted your previous comments intentionally? Rather than acting upon your suspicions, why not be nice and then ask the Editors why you do not see your comments being posted? Perhaps the fault might be from your side or from the system.
Assalaamualaikam
Firstly, let me start by saying I agree with Br Asim that you should be yourself - Allah has created us all differently and so long as we are all following Allah's guidance, we should celebrate our differences and learn from them. Life would be very boring if we were all the same.
It can be very difficult to cope with personality disorders day-to-day, but with Allah's guidance we have a structure on which to base our lives, and that security can be very helpful.
Make sure that you have a supportive network of people helping you - your therapist may be able to arrange additional support for you - eg in the UK, community mental health teams have specialist liaison nurses and crisis support teams... some places even have dedicated services for people with personality difficulties. Also, try to make some social contacts: they don't need to become your close friends, but maybe try to have a couple of acquaintances that you can meet for coffee or go to a study class with. That way, you can boost your confidence that you can have positive interactions with people.
Regarding marriage, don't write it off - I know many people with personality disorders who have gone on to have happy, stable marriages. Pray to Allah, and trust that things will be as He wills it.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
What you describe about your life sounds normal to me. Stop looking for perfection. What do you like in others? What attracts you to other people? I am sure there are lot of people who like you/ love you. Suicidal thoughts are just thoughts nothing more. You don't have to act on bad thoughts.
Ѕαℓαм αℓαукυм,yeah its hard when one needs some friends to joke and laugh with at spare times, to speak to about certain issues and so on. I wouldn't want to say your condition is normal like bro/sis SVS said because I believe you know yourself more than we do and there is hardly anyway you can explain or express how you truly feel more than you written and hardly anyway we can actually know what's up when we are not trained in that line. For the fact that suicide comes along with it shows that its really a serious issue, whatever difficulty that makes a person especially a muslim to think of suicide,then we should know there is fire on the mountain. May ALLAH out of His infinite mercy forgive u and us all and set right our affairs,Ameenn. What I would say is continue your treatment and do your best to get in contact with better medical practitioners who can be of good help and also if you think maybe you need some spiritual backup,then you could see a very very very reliable,trust worthy Imam/Ustadh(not those who would be telling you what's not,make sure they are not innovators) at the local mosque around you who could direct you on who to see or what to do. May Allah save us and all those in such conditions as yours,Ameen
Assalamwalaikum,
First most important thing, my dear sister, we love you and accept you as you are. 🙂 We are your brothers and sisters here! ^_^
Sister, I am no expert on psychology, but from the limited understanding I have, I can assure you that you are NOT possessed. I would say that you are having an "identity crisis". Your therapist might classify you into various categories of Personality Disorder and try different cognitive-based or drug-based approaches and monitor your behavior to see what might help you. In psychology, no two people are considered the same. Every person has a unique personality, yet experts try to bring out commonalities.
Please do not misunderstand me for what you are about to read next, I do not intend to disparage my sister in any way. Speaking from my own personal experience as I too have been in therapy myself for OCPD and been-at-verge-of suicide, what I see is that you are not able to recognize who you are, you have no confidence, you are really low on self-esteem, you are most-likely terrified... it is no surprise that you feel rejected by people as people appreciate and reciprocate to positivity, confidence, self-esteem, good humor ...some traits you lack! going ahead you will either become a liar and start making stories, become highly defensive about yourself as you will feel you have nothing good to share with people or you might start anticipating what other people want or suggest and start behaving more like them (it could be singing, dancing, partying, boozing, anything to be accepted by others and to not make yourself look strange) thus making your current "identity crisis" even worse and later on falling into self-pity and depression again. I have been there, done that!
You are not afraid of people, you are afraid of what they will see in you! The depression you feel right now is really a kind of a wake up call before things spiral into a chaos. There definitely is a reason as to how you have ended up this way and trust me, you know this reason better than any psychiatrist in the world. There is a way out of this mess, it is not going to be easy, nor will it happen over night. It will require you to be patient, it will take time, but it will help you overcome these feelings and make you confident and have good self-perception. Note here, I am not saying that people will accept you or want to be with you, rather, you will accept yourself, which I think is more important!
I suggest, that if you want to get out of this mess you have to undo the damages of the past and un-learn what you unconsciously and consciously are thinking of yourself. But how do you do that, right?
You need to think about what thoughts are coming into your mind, especially ones that become belief. Beliefs are there all around us. They are on TV, radio, magazines, billboards, novels, internet, the comments on this blog/forum, etc. Beliefs can also come from our knowledge, experiences, friends, parents, relatives, etc. Like for example, you believe, "you have to be yourself", where did you get that idea from? It certainly was not a revelation! Before you can even be yourself, you need to know who you are. Do you even know yourself? Do you even know who "you" are? The most powerful beliefs you can get on earth are from the Qur'an and Hadith. Therefore, one of the best ways to un-learn wrong beliefs and adopt the right ones is by "understanding", "reflecting" and "believing" in the Qur'an and Hadiths. The Qur'an has the power to crumble a mountain! Try it, read the Qur'an, understand its message, it will change you and you will be a person you will be proud of and you can accept! You will no longer be bothered by the rejection of others, for you would have rejected them!
It does not end here... you already know the starting point. As you mentioned being rejected by people since childhood. I encourage you to try this free self-help course:
http://sfhelp.org/site/intro.htm
This self-help course is really about discovering yourself, who you are, where you have come from (psychologically) becoming more self-aware and fostering better interaction with other people.
You are also too desperate to be accepted by the world... your focus needs to change from being accepted by the people of this world to our Creator Allah, it is better to be rejected for being a Muslim, cause Allah accepts you! I would also suggest watching some videos by one of a very inspiration sister, Yasmin Mogahed:
http://www.youtube.com/user/YasminMogahedOnline/
Now, let me share with you one of my perception I learned from Islam. You are right, we do not belong in this world. This world is not for us. This world is only a temporary place. We belong in another place, the Qur'an calls this place a "paradise", where there shall be no fear, only peace! Ofcourse, we are strange to those people who love this planet more than paradise, we are different from them. We walk, talk, dress and behave very differently. We are muslims and yes, we are strange to people who do not believe in the unseen. They might even think that we are crazy or have weird rituals. There is a hadith reported by Abu Huraira that the Messenger of Allah, (PBUH) said, “Islam began as a something strange and it will return to being strange, so blessed are the strangers.” ~ Sahih Muslim. When someone calls me strange or thinks Islam is weird, I remember this hadith and suddenly feel so amazing!
Sister, we are of nearly the same age. I could say that we are in the same boat, but the difference is that I have chosen to be in solitude. I find myself more comfortable being alone than around people. I have had friends in the past but only 1 or 2 today with whom I rarely speak. As children, we never really cared about religion or deen, it was just fun and games. But as we grew older, I saw them and some new friends getting into activities Islam did not approve of and I made the choice to part ways as I did not have much knowledge to convince them to change. The point I am trying to make is that, it is better to be alone, than in bad company!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2m5VULktY
My dear sister, you are right, suicide is a straight ticket to hell. To substantiate this, Abu Hurayrah (RA) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be in the Fire of Hell, throwing himself down therein for ever and ever. Whoever takes poison and kills himself, his poison will be in his hand and he will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron, that piece of iron will be in his hand and he will be stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell, for ever and ever.” ~ Bukhari.
If you feel overwhelmed and feel like dying, it is also known, from Anas bin Malik that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said, "None of you should wish for death because of a calamity befalling him; but if he has to wish for death, he should say: “O Allah! Keep me alive as long as life is better for me, and let me die if death is better for me'". ~ Sahih Bukhari, (Vol. 7, Bk. 70, No. 575). Suicide is NEVER an option for a believer!
If you find anything good from this comment, it is from Allah, if you find any errors or mistakes it is from my own self and my limited knowledge. May Allah protect all our Muslim brothers and sisters from insanity, depression and suicide, Ameen! 🙂
MASHALLAH , this is a very beneficial comment... Thank you so much for this post , and Jazakallah khayer
Masha Allah, thank you so much for your response. May Allah SWT bless you. Thank you.
Salaam aleikum sister,
I was reading this as I too was having a slight crisis. May the blessings of Allah be upon you for your insight and wisdom
I have been dealing with these feelings all my life. Thiugh before I converted I just did drugs and unlawful sexual relationships to fill the void and I didn't really care. But I converted and am forced to fave and deal with these feelings. Alhamdulillah I have been given the better option after years of searching for truth and for myself. But I cannot make friends either. I also am like you, I chose solitude over friends. Just me and my wife and that is enough. But when I notice that I am not accepted, or rejected it kills me. Like am I not good enough for Allah if muslims reject me as equal? I've always been nervous and edgy so I probably come off really strange. Rarely at ease when socializing. But I also don't care to be friends with most people. I donnot aspire for there materialism. I seem to have completely different ideals than most. But all that aside I feel I am not good enough for islam. Like I should go back to being a heathen because I fail all the time. I am so nervous speaking arabic I choose not to glorify and praise Allah in speach with other muslims because I feel like a fraud. But when I say it in English I feel Itbsounds forced. But if I say nothing and speak normally i am rebuked with mashallah and the like. So I hate speaking to muslims. its just me and Allah. And I'm ok with that but I had an opportunity to be intimately apart with a community of believers during ramadon. The only muslim I know offered me to study and pray with him at the masjid he foes too and sleep at his house and study all the like each night.. but after the last time hanging with him I felt like he finally realized I am weird and strange and has regretted the invite. If these were non believers I'd care less. But I had the chance to be part of a community of believers and my strangness blew it. I am awkward. I am weird. I am not fluent in speach or at ease. It makes me want to die whenever I get off the phone with him. I feel I try ro hard and when I try little I am not trying hard enough. Then I try hard to be good muslim and then I regret and feel shame that I am trying to be something I'm not. Just be yourself. Well i am uncomfterble. Me, I am a believer. But only when I'm alone I feel confident in that. When I'm speaking to believers I get sweaty and nervous and sound stupid and regret and shame after. Reading this over its funny because it sounds silly. Like why do I care? I've always been a loner. I got my woman. Allah. I don't need friends. What is it in me that wants friends? Just acceptance I guess. To feel apart of. Like this is Allahs Ummah. I should be apart. So I try and I get rejected. Am I still part of the Ummah even if I chose not to have friends with the people in it? Ugh
Asalamualaykum Brother Yusha,
I saw this and had to comment.
First off, may Allah ease your pain and discomfort around people and social interactions. ameen. You are not "weird" at all. You are struggling to adapt to social interactions because Allah has made us social creatures, and we are not made to sit alone in a mosque (like monks in a Tibetan monestary) our whole life and pray. Allah guides us to moderation in all things, and being a hermit, while ideal for some, is not how a Muslim is instructed to live in this world. So you are struggling against your nature when being alone, which is why you are still "wanting friends."
It sounds to me like you are highly insightful, but on the self-critical side. This may have been imbedded into you by your parents, by early interactions, your time at school with peers...even just by overthinking. But you have a degree of social anxiety, because it is not recommended by Allah to stay away from the people of this world, but rather to engage with them and even invite them, through our actions, to Islam.
As narrated by Abu Huraira:
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "If Allah loves a person, He calls Angel Jibreel, saying, 'Allah loves so and so, O Jibreel love him.' So Jibreel would love him and then would make an announcement in the Heavens: 'Allah has loved so and-so therefore you should love him also.' So all the dwellers of the Heavens would love him, and then he is granted the pleasure of the people on the earth." (See Hadith No. 66, Sahih al-Bukhari)
You can see from this Hadith that people will automatically love us and see our light when Allah is pleased with us. You will not get strange reactions from people, and you will walk confidently upon the earth because you'll know you are a Muslim and therefore honored as such by Allah.
My suggestion would be to focus on your prayers and make dua to Allah asking explicitly for Him to grant you better integration into society. You of course also have to do your part. Just rationalizing your situation by saying you're "weird" is not really trying. You do not have to be all over the social media platforms and going to large parties, etc. Just being close to a tight knit group of people will suffice. You should focus on making real friendships where you share yourself and are genuinely interested in others. Take the focus off of yourself and ask people questions about themselves. People love talking about themselves! You will find that you are much loved by people, Inshallah.
Try it brother...you can't go wrong with Allah's help!!
Best to you,
Nor
IslamicAnswers
1. Please take out of your mind any thoughts of suicide. Life is a beautiful gift of the Almighty. Do not waste it.
2. Who is not lonely? Every one of the 6 billion humans on earth is alone.
3. All relationships are assumed relationships. None are real. If I die, will someone die because I am dead? Can I stop anyone from dying? NO each individual is born and dies alone.
4. We call someone friend because there is something we enjoy in that relationship. When the friend dies we mourn for the loss of that enjoyment. Not the person. This is the harsh truth.
5. You will not solve anything by killing yourself and will have a terrible day of judgement
6. People like one thing today another thing tomorrow. So are you going to keep changing to their likes / dislikes? No you cannot.
7. You need to be comfortable in your skin. This is the only challenge you have. To be comfortable you have to know the truth. The truth is simple and only one truth - Only the Almighty is a True Friend everyone else is selfish and fake.
8. The therapists are there to make money from you so will increase your problems.
9. So your solution is to remember a) that all relationships are assumed not real b) the only real relationship is with Almighty and c) if you really want to increase your relationships with people do it by doing charitable works, do charitable work that you like and enjoy and soon you will find both friends, internal peace and be closer to the Almighty.
10. Do charitable work genuinely, sincerely with a desire to help needy people and do something that you like. Be genuine about it and you will find peace and happiness.
@ben: I am struggling to understand some of the points you mentioned.
2. Just as much loneliness is real... closeness, feeling loved, to be able to identify oneself with a valuable purpose, meaning in life is also a real feeling. Yes, there are people who do feel alone in this ginormous world, but not everyone... not all of 6 billion feel this way. If what you say were true... the world would be one big depressed planet!
3. What do you mean when you say that "relationships are assumed" and that "none are real"? It seems very vague to me. I mean, the relationship and bond I share with my mother or father or brothers and sisters or even the Almighty is not something that is "assumed", it is real and true. I believe in them. Also, how does "assumed relations" relate to dying? Death is painful in itself and it is true that you will be by yourself in the grave, alone and this is a universal experience for every person. However, having someone around you during your last breaths is somewhat comforting that being alone.
4. Although, I do not have many friends but for the few, rare and real friends I have, I can certainly say that I do not think that I am their friends solely because of some pleasure or enjoyment they bring in my life. While we have good times, my friends share with me their experiences and problems they face in life and I try and help them to my capability and my friends reciprocate the same attitude and behavior with me which I appreciate and value. I certainly would not grieve at the loss of pleasure, rather the loss of a companion. Brother, I suspect "the harsh truth" is that you haven't had a real friend!
To understand the meaning of friendship simply look at the friendship between Abu Bakr As-Siddiq (RA) and Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_Fj-xNW2Uo
7. The suffering flowergirl5 is going through is not something normal nor is her problem as simple. It is not simply about being comfortable herself or around others. There are deeper and unresolved psychological issues. The challenge flowergirl5 has is to unlearn the negative, baseless, weak or inappropriate beliefs about herself and the world around her. Then work towards adopting the right, strong and true beliefs which I believe can be found in the Qur'an and the Hadith. Yes, the Almighty is a true friend, the strongest handhold you can ever get, but that does not mean everyone is selfish or fake! That is really absurd! The people you refer to as "selfish or fake" are real people too, but with their own perceptions that you may or may not agree with.
8. Dear brother, I do not think you have been in therapy to know if it works or not. The therapists are paid for their expertise on the subject matter. They are paid to take you through techniques or lessons that help to identify your problems and then work with you to resolve them. Therapy is much like medicine, when your body cannot heal itself, it needs extra support from external chemicals. Do you think it is a waste of money or that your problems increase by taking medicine when you feel sick? Certainly not! Therapy does help, the results are evident. Otherwise, it would not even be a recognized discipline of science. The difference is that, when it comes to psychological matters... while therapists are there to help you, you also have to work on making yourself better.
10. Brother, you speak much about genuineness and being sincere... yet in your point 4 you have mentioned that everyone is selfish and fake. For argument sake, lets say you are right, then wouldn't all charitable activities also be selfish and fake? So, in essence, even if you try to be genuine... you, yourself and everyone around you is going to be fake? I am confused!
May Allah bless you our dear sister flower girl! May the Allah Aza Wa Jal help you to cope with it! Sister, a few advices.
1. Make lots of duas
2. Give a lot of sadaqa in order for Allah to remove all the effects of sins. B/c it is our sins that deprive us of the blessings be it ourself, or be it with people.
You are struggling with loneliness. And loneliness destroys your psyche and morale. Stay busy constantly. There are awesome online courses. Get on several email lists from masjids near you, to inform you of events and lectures for you to attend. At first you will have extreme high anxiety when attending these events, but then it will be second nature to you. Volunteer at a Sunday school in your masjid and then invite them over to your house for tea or lunch. As long as your uniqueness is within the boundaries of Islam, embrace it and accept it, and everyone else will too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I have been feeling exactly the same for a very long time. I dont have friends either. I know that feeling of not feeling comfortable in social situations. I don't think its important to get married so don't worry about it. Just try to become content with being lonely. After a while it just becomes normal to have no one around. If you can find hobbies you can do on your own and excel in that will help keep you occupied.
I'm a few years older than you and I also know what suicidal ideation is all about.
I have a question for you. You didn't say or explain why is that that you have no friends. How do you talk or behave with people and what is so weird or different about you that people don't want to be friends with you? I would like to know.
I've never had many friends. I'm very honest person and always say what's in my mind. And if you don't like it, it's because you don't know how to deal either with the truth or you don't accept that someone else can have a different opinion.
When I was a teenager my "friends" didn't like that. They didn't like me. I had one or two friends who accepted me the way I was, but mostly my classmates didn't like me because I was being honest. I was being myself. I said what they didn't want to hear. The reality let's say?
And I still do it. I haven't changed. And I don't care about how many friends I have. It's not about how many friends you have.