Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Rejection made me feel hopeless

proposal,couple

Marriage Proposal

As-salamu-alaykum dear brothers and sisters

My English isn't really that good so please forgive me for the grammar mistakes.

I’m facing rejection from the last 6 years. I’m really hopeless now. I don't know where to start but I’m trying my best to describe my situation. I’m 30 years of age. My dad passed away 6 years ago. May ALLAH grant him the highest place in jannatul firdaus.

For last 6 years my family is looking for a suitable match for me. But every time any family comes to visit us they don't approve me even they don't like to tell us any valid reason of rejection. I belong to ma’sha’ALLAH a big family, some families have this issue they don't want a proposal from a big family (like we are) as they actually want small family.

I‘m graduated. I was interested in getting more education but I could not do so because of my family restrictions or you can say they couldn't afford my more study dues.

I think if I was highly qualified then maybe they (any guy's family) don't reject me. Sometimes I feel people reject other people just because of status differences. All are married (younger+older) in our relatives. Even though we’re living near our maternal grandparent’s home (we’re living in our own home) but no one is helping my mom to give any advice about this matter. We don’t have many resources to find a proposal by ourselves.

So, for this purpose my family has hired five or six match-makers. But they didn't do their job honestly. They bring those families to our home whom don't have any interest. This is really disturbing, feel like, I’m just a show piece.

Some of my relatives recommended me why not you go through any matrimonial site and find partner by yourself. So with my family's permission I decided to join 3 matrimonial sites for this purpose. But I didn't get any progress. No one is there for getting married. Everyone is there for time waste and chat etc (I don’t like such things).

What should I do? Please give me your kind suggestions/Duas. I did many wazaif with complete faith but nothing is happening and sometimes I fasted. I’m not a super pretty girl (I don't think I'm ugly though…) just an average girl. Now a day’s everyone wants a professional job holder girl but I’m not doing any job. I stay at home. Now I’m totally fed up from this routine. Is it my fault that I belong to a big family? We are eight members actually.

My mom is so much worried about me she can’t even sleep well because of me. People ask my mom about me that why don't you do anything for your daughter's marriage (Isn’t she getting older)? Everyone use to say to my mom that somebody has put obstacle (bandish) in your daughter’s way to prevent her from getting married.

Maybe this is the reason any family is not approving /liking me for their son. I want to know is there such kind of things exist? What Islam says about this? I try to offer salah five times daily. What can I do to please Allah?

Ma’sha'ALLAH my mom also offers salah regularly and recite Qur'an daily. My mom is praying for me all the time. Where should I go what to do I am not understanding what is going all the way. All I know I want to cry loud. Every day I don't want to wake up and don't want to sleep. I'm very heartbroken and confused at this time. Please guide me I’m so depressed. I’ve completely lost my patience.

Thank you for reading.

waiting for kind responses

JazakAllah

~ stardream61


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27 Responses »

  1. Assalamu allykum warahmatulah wabarakatuh my dearest sister;am realy sad for your situation.
    Everything hapening in life have a reason, Allah (s.w.t.) knows best,you said you try to pray five(5) time daily,pls you should'nt just but pray alot and even do nawafil.
    be like mum pray all the 5 daily prayers tahajjud,read qur'an, put all you trust in Allah (s.w.t) He Is the Giver and Taker...in your situation it might be a test,Allah s.w.t only knows.and may be its how patient you are!.its not because you are in big family that you have the problem, may be some thing else...increase your relationship with Allah..take things easy,look for a job even if its small,(i said that because you can make yourself busy instead of thinking) it might be that Allah(s.w.t) had to stored your husband for you in al-jannah and it can be those men might have made you or ur life misreable,say Alhamdulilah...
    and Allah knows best..i could have write more but my internate and battery is not good.pls do write again if you need more advise.
    hope i helped salam
    your sister aisha.

  2. Dear sister assaalamualikum.
    I would say that you ask Allah through salatul isteqara why arent you getting married you should repeat isteqara till you get clear answer to your question.
    Pray Tahajjud regularly and beg Allah for mercy ,forgiveness and solution to your problem.If you doubt effect of magic You can download an listen to ruqya (avilable free online)and also regularly recite manzil, 4 quls ayath al kursi sure Fatiha etc especially before sleeping and early morning. Do not sleep immediately after fajar salah .Dont stop any dua you start keep on reciting till you get your problem solved.
    Dont lose hope inshaallah your problems will be solved very soon by Al mighty Allah

  3. sister assaalamualikum if u doubt of magic u recit surati baqara evry day in morning

  4. Salaams sister,

    I really feel your pain as I'm also going through the marriage process and have been for about the same time as you have and it's now coming up to 6 years for me as well. From my own experiences, good and bad, I would recommend that you start doing other things rather than just focus on the marriage aspect. Keep praying salaah, reading etc but spend your time doing other things to keep yourself busy. I'm also from a big family and yep we kinda have it tough. Do voluntary work etc to keep yourself busy as well as open opportunities to meet new people. These days it's hard to get a job so voluntary is a good way of getting experience.

    Keep going. My thoughts are duas are with you. InshaAllah Allah (swt) tests those he loves.

    PS you are not the only person to go through this. I know it's no consolation but there are thousands of us out here facing the same dilemma. Please keep strong and remember that our time in this life is very short and marriage is not the final goal. Allah (swt) wants us to worship Him and he will test us through many hardships to see if we really do believe....

    Keep reading Surah Yasin for contentment and peace of heart (every morning and evening). x

  5. dont blame yourself for it. you not doing a job is not a problem, i know several girls that either dont get proposals or guys and their families dont want a career oriented, in the job girl.

    dear sis we are living in a time where its difficult to get married( specialy for girls ). it is a fact. see all the shaykh talks , all the imams who are involved in marriage making process, etc. this is due to different reasons ( let that discussion be for later time).

    we as muslims sincerely believe that everything happens by the will of Allah. . He is the controller of all affairs. i know getting married is important but let that not consume your life. it can be overwelming but keep your hope and trust in Allah . carry on with your efforts and Allah will make it happen for you when its the right one at the right time.

    married or not , our life is still purposeful, and that purpose is not marriage.

  6. Dear stardream,

    No one is going to magically appear on your doorstep with a proposal. Yes, it's unfortunate that average-looking girls in muslim cultures do not get married. My own suspicion is that somewhere along the way, the message about marriage became distorted. I myself come from a culture where it is expected that a girl's parents will wait for a proposal from a suitable family. The boy and his parents are expected to come to the girl's home for a "viewing", while the girl sits uncomfortably knowing everyone is sizing her up, and after the boy's departure the parents anxiously stare at the phone for days on end, waiting to hear if their daughter made the cut.

    Somehow, I have a hard time believing that this is what Islam intended. The humiliation and degradation! And if the parents aren't very proactive in terms of building networks, then a girl is totally out of luck. Many Muslim girls in the west, who are 1st generation in their country of birth, don't have extended families because the extended families still reside in the patents' home country. The situation becomes more troublesome if there are other factors at play, such as poverty, the girls father is not around, she has a physical disadvantage ("too dark", "too short" "too chubby", flat-chested, acne, over age 30, etc). And, in our cultures, a single girl or boy is often tainted by the misfortunes or misdemeanours of other family members. -- ie a sibling did something wrong, so now the whole family is "tainted".

    It is unfair. And, it is heartbreaking to watch non-Muslims meet and marry, and establsh families....while Muslim girls read their dua and hope someone will show up. It is very interesting that we are encouraged to work, become professionals, find good-paying and lucrative jobs, and go through interviews and all sorts of mixed-gender networking. But to obtain marriage and motherhood, we have almost no options but to sit back and wait for a proposal. I don't know why there are more single Muslim girls than non Muslim girls, but I'm guessing that the "system" has something to do with it.

    But that is reality for many Muslim women. And you can't change that. Forget the wazifa's. We are Muslims, we don't believe in magic.

    So I have a question for you. Why don't you get a job? Pursue a career? Then you can save money and even go back to school for more education. You won't land a husband, but, you will have some security for yourself. Why are you sitting at home? Your life will never progress If you sit at home all day. There are some days when I am so tired and I don't want to get up and go to work. But I know that if I don't. I will be sitting at home alone, not exercising my brain, and with no one to talk to. So you need to get out into the world.

    Once you start working, you may feel that there are other activities that you wish to pursue as well. Trust me sister, the years will start to fly by! And no, a job des not replace a loving husband and children, I will never convince you of that (if anything, you get lonelier), but it moves life forward, it gives you something to do each day, it makes life purposeful. Sometimes, I get home from work, and I have to read all my missed salaats from the day, sometimes i exercise, and before you know it suddenly i am so tired it is almost bedtime! That is what makes time go by sister. You can't sit at home all day with your wazifas, mulling over your lack of prospects.

    • Salam all

      I think this has got more to do with culture than with being Muslim or non-Muslim girls. In South East Asia, as opposed to South Asia, eyeballing (I haven't got the statistics at hand), there are more single non-Muslim girls than single Muslim girls, mostly out of choice because some of these non-Muslim girls choose to be celibate for whatever reason, religious or otherwise. I used to have many non-Muslim female teachers in school (mostly Chinese) who choose not to marry. Some of them adopt baby girls to raise like their own daughters. I am not saying it is right or good to stay unmarried, but I do think one should not get obsessed with marriage as though it is THE ONLY goal of life. The goal of life must indeed be to worship Allah, as He has ordained.

      I have many unmarried Muslim female friends who are very comfortable with themselves. They do not oppose marriage, only that their time to settle down has not come. Quite a number would eventually settle down later in life, at the age of 40 or even 50 plus, and ma-shaa-Allah, mostly with good mature Muslim husbands who are either widowers or divorced, with a good clan of children who are already successful in their lives and do not need to be nurtured much any more. Thus is the reward for their patience with Allah's plans. At the same time, these women are themselves successful in their own professions. Most of them are involved in one way or other with social work (given the ample time that they had whilst being single) helping out the Muslim community around them or even the international Muslim community. They attend usrah and may even be directors in boards of trustees for charity work.

    • i posted a comment here, which appeared a while ago but now i cant see it? has it been deleted by the eidtors?

  7. Waalikumsalam to All of you

    May Allah bless you all brothers & sisters I appreciate all the solutions you have given to me.
    After getting kind replies from you now I have started to pray Tahajjud.

    Some of you said that you’ve to find a job so that you can remain busy in job. But how can I do job. I’m staying at home from the last 9 years. I’ve lost all my confidence and hope while sitting at home was not easy thing.

    I’m from South Asia. My family can’t afford my study dues because my other siblings are studying. You can say study is really so expensive in our country. How can one survive in this cruel world?
    One of my brothers had already left his study for my younger sibling’s expenditures.

    I’m graduate and not having a master's degree. School teaching job is also not easy for that purpose you must be masters. I had started a school job 7 years ago but I had to leave it lack of my confidence.

    It should be parent’s duty to raise their children with all the demanding aspects of life. Why parents bring children into this world while they can’t afford their child’s basic needs. Where should I go for asking because my dad has left us alone so early?

    Big Family is also a big issue in our world. Some stable families when they visit us they behave like as we are not humans. Their behavior like ohhh Ma Shaa Allah 8 members you are. Then completely silence in the room. They even don’t talk with me I’ve to sit quite like a table/chair.

    Whenever I got rejection I feel like totally broken inside. I want to fight for no reason. My body stops responding some times. At that time I often pray to Allah please I don’t want to stay anymore in this world.

    Whenever I argue to my mum about why/why all this is happening to us she mostly starts crying and try to calm me down. My eyes often become watery for no apparent reason.

    It’s not easy to stay single as younger siblings are also getting older. If I were in the west then definitely I could stay single. Please just do dua for my heart comfort. I feel like I’m not Allah’s favorite person so that’s why I am facing this all.

    Thanks to all of you. May Allah reward all of you for the kind solutions.

    JazakAllah
    stardream61

    • Stardream, it is time for you to build your confidence. Your English s very good. My guess is that there are many organizations in southeast Asia that can use your skills. You have a bachelor's degree-- many women can barely afford to finish high school! The possibilities are endless, if you chose to explore them. But right now you are choosing to sit at home and cry.

      Sister, your parents have taken care of you. They paid for your education. You don't work, so presumably they are paying for your clothes, food, shelter, and anything else you might need.

      You are a grown-up adult woman over the age of 30. We all suffer from bouts of lack of confidence, but you are using that as a crutch. It is time for you to stop relying on your family so much and go out into the world. I recognize that it is difficult for women in south Asia. But you are above-average, you speak English and you have a good education. You obviously know how to use a computer. Do you like fashion? Maybe you can work in a women's boutique? How about a non-profit agency?

      I know this sounds harsh, but I'm not going to tell you that marriage is imminent. You need to face reality. What will you do at age 35, 45, or 55? Stay at home? You need to earn money for your own future security, Stardream. You need to build a life for yourself outside of the family home. At the moment, your lifestyle is destroying your confidence. Over time, you will feel more self assured, and with self assurance you will be able to accept your life as it is. You may remain sad about it, but I think that is perfectly normal.

      I truly hope this helps you move forward in life.

      • Assalam O Alaikum sister Precious star,
        Masha Allah that was a very beautiful and honest advice that you gave to this sister. We all will die when our time is right, so why not look at the positive side and stay positive, count our blessings and make the most of what we have rather than live a miserable life. We are all in this together, everyone has their test, young/small, men/women/children/old. So, pick up yourself sister "stardream" and make something of yourself and help others which will iA bring you peace of heart and mind by volunteering, doing charity or assisting someone financially if you can as much as possible.

        Muhammad1982,
        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

      • Thanks Precious-Star. I found your advice very helpful and positive too.
        I am now setting myself up to get a job i.e. a little one.
        I will find some job for myself (In Shaa Allah).
        English is not my native language though I studied it as a 4rth subject.
        I don't have any speaking power in English.
        But now I will work on it too (In Shaa Allah).
        You just do remember me in your dua's.
        Allah bless you all.
        stardream61

  8. Dearest sister...
    Everyone says life is always unfair,why is the world cruel? Thats what i always ask too but one think i have learnt is "when you put all your trust in Allah(s.w.t) and say that my Allah will ease my pain at the end" you will feel much relief ....how can someone survive in this cruel world? Be patient and worship Allah(s.w.t) day and night. my sister,why not sit down recite qur'an and then check their meaning when you are not doing anything(thats what eases my pain,you can try it also) . calm down my sister i know its hard to always sit and wait for proposals,dont you have friends? May be you can tell them to help you.
    Actually i dont know why some people get so many kids if they know they cant take care of them financialy but Allah knows best..dont mind them, you will get a husband who would accept you, with your family insha.Allah.
    Oh No NO! NO DONT EVER SAY YOU ARE NOT ALLAH(SWT) FAVOURITE...
    Ofcource Allah(s.w.t) loves you...remember what i told you in my last post"i said may be the men will make your life miserable OR Allah(s.w.t) have stored your husband for you in al-jannah!"
    Thank Allah(s.w.t). everyday is a blessing You are Alife my sister take care of yourself.
    They are some people who suffer more than you(sorry if am harsh).
    About the work,its best you do something to make you busy,even though its something very little, dearest sis,that way you would be too busy to even think for marraige.
    Remember dearest sister dont lose hope. Every hardship there is a relief.
    I will pray for you
    insha.Allah!
    Hope i helped out. Your sister aisha

    • Thanks my dearest sister Aisha for your kind and beautiful advice.
      I will do my level best to act upon your advice In Shaa Allah
      May Allah bless you my dearest sister Aisha.
      Stay Blessed always
      stardream61

  9. I like your reply precious star,i would'nt have said better:-)...sister stardream you should follow the advice.
    Allah knows best

  10. You are welcome dearest sister stardream! Am happy that you are looking forward to the future (brighter future insha.Allah) 😀 ;-)...you are realy strong! Keep going...
    My prayers for you!

  11. Dearest sister...

    The Almighty will not change the condition of one until you make an effort toward changing it and yourself.
    The first step is yours. Everything has its Waqt. I want you to think about something:
    What do you have to contribute to a marriage? Other than the same dependancy and lack of self esteem you have now? And how will that affect you and your marriage ultimately?

    You need to bring something positive to the table. You and are your husband will be each others complements - your strengths to compensate for his weaknesses, etc. You are to ocmplete each other - hence how can you get married when you are not whole yourself. Marriage is not a 'solution' my dear. Marriage in itself is hard and who you are now will determine the course it will take through the years.

    You do not need a man to complete yourself. This you can do by empowering yourself. If you are into teaching and can clearly use the internet - download ebooks, fine-tune your craft, read, read, read, self teach - do online courses paid for by the job you intend to get and build yourself. There's always a way even if the road is a little longer due to the reality of your circumstances.

    A little charity work on the side is always a plus indeed, it'll definitely build your confidence and then share your experiences here so that those in similar positions can learn from you, in so you may someday give inspiration to another in your predicament.

    Remember if you want to be loved (and this is not limited to the love of a man) then you need to become someone worth loving and your best assessment of attaining that goal, is when you've reached the point where you feel comfortable in your own skin and realise that you actually love the woman you've become.

    May the Almighty strengthen you on your path sister, it is not an easy one, the plague of our era is that of Apathy. It is up to you to fight it and be enthused by life and faith and hope. And you are never alone - it was Rumi who described that if the intelligence taken to move one finger is so close to that finger that it cannot be separated from it - then how close is the Creator of that intelligence.

  12. assalamaualaikum sister , u know i m in same situation as u are , and u know we are small family, i have done my masters , but still why am i not getting married , u know sister i dont have our dad with us , my mum is alone just think how difficult my situation would be , my 4 years of enagagement was broken for no reason , i went into deprission , but i did not give up as allah never leave us alone , he is always with us he has chosen best for us, i fought with my self came out of it, strictly read 5 times salah, and recite quran, today i am happy for that 4 years engagement broked because he is not good and lair and cheater thts why allah took him away before our marriage allah knows what is best for us . love urself and tkecare of urself , dont pray so that u will get married , but pray so that we win allah love and mercy . he is one who decides everything ask forgiveness from allah, and read max and be in dihkr “La Hawla Wa La Quwwata illa Billah” which means There is no power and strength except with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala “” and cry loud not for this worldy life but for life here aftr, when u start expecting only from allah and put ur full trust on allah , ALLAH WILL TAKE CARE OF UR MOTHER ALSO , .. today when i turn back i just smile at my self for time i wasted on this wordly things ALLAH IS MOST MERCIFUL , and never read salah with intention to fullfil a nees or want, but read namaz as it is our duty and we must thank allah for everything he blessed us with , keep ur mind calm and leave all ur worries to ALLAH 🙂

    jazakallah khair
    🙂

  13. Assalamualaykum Dear Brothers/ Sisters,

    Never ever despair with the mercy of Allah Subhanahu Watallah. He is capable of doing everything of whatever He wills. He says ' Be and it is'.
    "Allah [alone] is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs [for us]." [Qur'an 3:173]

    May Allah make things easy for us. forgive our sins and shortcomings. And grant us best of this duniya and the hereafter. May Allah give us patience and sabr. May Allah make us successfull in this world and the hereafter.

    Jazakallah Khairun for sharing your advises.

  14. ASA. I came across this post today. I am in the same situation as you..no father, no brother and a mom who cant see. N marraige doesnt seem to be on the cards for me. I have prayee and did the wazifas but they havent helped. The problem is that while I knw I shud never feel hopeless in Allah, I subconciously do in terms of marraige. I fear this negetivity may act as an obstruction even if sumthing might be coming my way. Pls help me how I can keep myself happy and positive!

  15. Asalamoalaikum all of u, I read ur story this is really hard for a girl not to be married till 30 years I can understand your situation, because I am also on this same examination , am 29 years now and really no proposal came if some one liked me then they called and said istakhara was not good.actually I had a elder sister she was killed by someone though she was a good sis ever but I think this was what Allah destined for us, so when my sis was killed after that people started negative behavior with us, and this is the reason no one step to our home as they all consider themselves very respected people, but over all this situation I never loose hope, and now I really don't care for this but really people don't let us to live in comfort they keep on asking why u don't get marry u are getting old now, I really feel distress I have read every thing for the past 7 Years I read all duaa , wazifa but nothing happend, sometimes I just become depress that how n why life has stopped, to b an honest I really don't pray now, I have quite praying , sometimes I think what is my fault I have never ever destroyed someone's life I never hurted anyone, then why me. But l thank Allah for what he gave me but m a human I cannot resist with this situation any more ,

  16. Dear Heart broken,
    Please donot put so much importance on marriage and never give up praying. Do not care fir any proposals any more. You are sufficient for yourself.
    The person who is destined for you will meet you with out any trouble.
    So keep praying. Have a carefree life as possible. Just pray and enjoy.
    I will pray all of you sisters.
    May Allah bless you dear, take care of you and your mother. Go for some outing.

    • Asalamualaikom sister
      May Allah reward u immensely for the level of patience u keeping
      I suggest become constant in ur 5 daily Salah on time
      Flavour it with waking up for tahajjud.duas made at tahajjud r quickly accepted.make dua with conviction and faith and cry out to Allah all ur worries and grief.
      Make charity,help sum1 whicheva way u can and Allah's help will come.
      I hope I have been of some help to u.

      • Aswakm...

        Don't get frustrsted if things are not happening at rite time...Allah is de well know ..wen it has to hapn it ill definitely take place...meanwhile get involved in other activities .since ur prime focus is on marriage and ur concentrating more on it hence u might be missing lot of other thjngs in life ....world is too big zeal out...chill ...due you correspondence studies and make ur life...
        Plp who are married most of them r not successful n even if de r successful de ill be other disasters ... very few r happily married n lived everafter .

        Ur free bird now so chill do ur namaz ..discuss with Allah ur issues n concerns den common man like us.

        Allah hafiz

        • I m 36 yrs old ,did master and doing job but still single my younger sister nd brother are married i offers five times pray nd wazifa
          People come to my home with proposal but reject me making any reason and without reason now my family thinks I m responsible for all

  17. Dear sisters Salam.

    Late marriages is very common issue.We all facing this problem.I am also 36 year old.I am Doctor, Only sister of three brothers but still not married without any reason.
    I too read many wazaif throughout my life,Allah accept my prayers but i am helpless in this problem
    I think We only need to say Istaghfar ,leave all wazaif and pray for Allah rahmet. We all are lucky that we are not facing any health issues and we are still connected with Allah.

    Sisters this is Allah's will.We only can pray and wait .Be Careful do not say anything which may not liked by Allah pak.
    Even if you are hopeless, do not say it or write it anywhere.just say we are hopeful and waiting for Allah's mercy.

  18. Don't worry for Allah is aware of your worries, He doesn't quicken or delay anything May he grant you a perfect Match.

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